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So Hungry for Sun
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Another night, another Wife Swap. These shows fascinate me, probably for all they illuminate about what is NOT wrong with my life. It is hard to walk away from watching one of these shows and not feel like you and your friends are the most organized, fair, easy-going, non-judgmental people ever. Because honestly? Where do they get these families?

Let’s just take last night’s show, for instance. They make it seem like it’s a quaint set-up: vegan family’s wife swaps with big hunting family’s wife = ensuing hilarity. The actual formula for the show is a little more like: crazy family’s wife [with defining characteristic] swaps with crazy family’s wife [with opposite defining characteristic] = ensuing hilarity. It doesn’t matter what the defining characteristic is as long as someone in the family, preferably the swapping one, is a few noodles short of a happy bowl.

Let’s meet mom #1, Jackie:

She is a raw foodist and is married to Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. She is very concerned about animals and the earth’s well-being and partakes in “sun-gazing,” which is essentially staring at the sun for 10 minutes a day with the thought that you can derive energy from the sun instead of food and thus deplete the earth’s resources less. This would work a lot better if she were equipped to, oh say, photosynthesize instead of digest. It also might help if humans didn’t have eyeballs that go blind when you stare at a burning sun. On Jackie’s daily to-do list: campaign for PETA, do yoga, meditate, nude sunbathe. She makes dinner for her daughter and her and waits for Kip to come home from his FIFTEEN HOUR shift at work. Though she is intent on the care for animals, she doesn’t seem too concerned about the care for Kip, who prepares his own dinner and cleans the house.

Mom #2, Bobbie

Dude, they live in a half trailer, half house. A “trouse.” They made that word up. They are big hunters, but this fact disturbs me WAY LESS than the fact that they have confederate flags draped all over their, er, trouse. A fact that the producers and editors decide to ignore. Who cares about racism when you can focus on hunting! Bobbie’s kids eat Corn Pops with a pound of sugar poured on top, and various animals. She alludes to the fact that they don’t have enough money to buy food for the family and that hunting is actually the way they feed their family. They can, however, afford horses.

After the introductions, it’s mostly a battle of Who is Most Crazy. As a vegetarian, I am always hoping that they will someday cast a sensible, respectful non-meat-eater in the roll of Less Crazy. But for some reason it is much more fun to play with gross stereotypes and Jackie goes down like a lead balloon. Yes, Bobbie tries to make Kip and Daughter eat meat and throw away their PETA posters, but this is only after she actually did the one-woman protest herself and handed out fliers to passerbyers, which is at least a big of breach of personal ethics. Jackie on the other hand, plays a graphic PETA video (while weeping) to the boys and forces them to eat handfuls of raw hemp seeds for breakfast and join her in picketing. She tries to make them stare at the sun, too, but it snows.

And unfortunately, Jackie’s unrelenting fanaticism backfires and causes Bobbie to grow very concerned that their hunting way of life is truly threatened, and she vows to hunt more now than ever before. Kip’s manhood feels rejuvenated and he finally puts his foot down and introduces cooked foods back into their lives. He celebrates his victory with two pieces of toast.

I can’t help but think this would be a fun show to be on. Hmm. Liz’s day: wake up, sit at desk for 8 hours, come home, make or get dinner, watch reality shows, go to bed. I may have to work a few more “kill dinner with bare hands” or “emasculate husband” tasks in there.

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