Medical Poop Investigations

by fiona garlich

Please do not ever watch the show Medical Investigations. It is stupid and ridiculous and is clearly only capitalizing on the nation's current obsession with medical crime dramas. But this time its not just one crime, or one patient; the safety of the entire nation is at stake, and the show will not let us forget it.

It mades it debut last night after the season premier of The Apprentice, which I unfortunately misssed. Instead, I caught the opening scene of M.I., which featured a very intense and angry looking blond man who was watching his son suck at little league baseball. Then the man got a phone call, then the man gave some very intense advice to his son at the plate, then a helicopter picked the man up practically in the baseball field, and then his son hit a home run.

Who is this man? Apparently he is the leader of an elite team of doctors who work for the government. He is also a domineering asshole controller who looks like a complete psycho even though maybe he is supposed to look ruggedly handsome and who is in charge of making split second decisions and giving orders to his team-mates, also very smart doctors, without saying anything nice or positive to them, because "someone needs to make the call." But I think he's supposed to be a compelling, complex, human character, as evidenced by his touching (and vaguley creepy) interaction with his son.

Who are these people working for? I guess the government? The NIH? I think they must have said it, but everything was happening at ultra-action speed, so the reasons anybody was doing anything was too difficult to follow. The only thing we the audience knew, was that there were blue people turning up everywhere. And that was bad. Very bad. Bad enough to panic and yell at people and make a lot of cell phone calls and fly around in a helicopter and sick your sassy PR lady on the press to illegally block any investigation by locking a reporter in the hospital basement.

This show is going to bomb. Somebody somewhere combined all of the marketable features of shows like CSI and Cold Case - aka the fast decsion making, problem solving, fancy medical/criminal technology, and eerie reinactments with wavy ghost people, and forgot to add any compelling reason why anyone should care about any of the characters. I guess they figured that if they make the plot seem important enough, we won't notice the ridiculous and destracting side-plot, the fact that the main character is an evil robot, and their inability to even attempt to rationally explain the case at the end. Why were the people blue? Why were the people fucking blue, you morons? They threw out a lot of fancy medical talk that amounted to sheer babble because IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.

I hate that show.