The Ways My Trip Sucked 3: Minneapolis Pt. 1
Archived from October 27, 2007
MINNEAPOLIS
I did not want to go to Minneapolis. I was having fun in Wisconsin, I was feeling relaxed, the baby was starting to warm up to me and I was no longer in Des Moines. But as it happens, one must follow through on commitments, so that is what I did. I drove for 16 hours, first to pick up my boyfriend in Chicago’s south side where we got taken hostage by mid-day Chicago traffic for the better part of 4 hours in my dad’s boat-like SUV with no air-conditioning. By the time we rolled into Minneapolis it was 2am and I thought the long drive would be the worst of it. Oh how Wrongy McWrongdog I was.
Internet.
My first clue that things could get less peachy was when I set my boyfriend up to do a bunch of myspace postings about my Minneapolis performances. I taught him how to deal with HTML codes, and he was really rearing to go. Just as he was starting this project the damn internet went out, it was out until the job was no longer reasonable. It seemed that god didn’t want me using myspace to promote my show (which could be a comment on Rupert Murdock and Satan, but that’s totally speculation).
Impound.
By the second night in Minneapolis the geniuses running the city towed my dad’s car because the stickers had been stolen. THE CAR WAS REGISTERED. Everything was up to date, and yet the city of Minneapolis, apparently in an effort to stand-out from every other municipality in the nation couldn’t just issue a ticket and call it a day. The bastards towed the car and would not release it until I presented them with updated stickers. I repeat – they knew the car’s registration was up to date.
Presenting the Impound with 2007 stickers became a week long process. According to the WI DMV website, you can simply email them and they will send you replacement stickers. That is apparently a lie. So I called and was told “the stickers will be sent out right away”. Like a dense rock I believed that the DMV would follow through on this.
Bridge.
The next day I had TWO 3-hour tech-rehearsals for the shows I was in, a rehearsal with the boys for the sketch show and two showcase performances. This was obviously a nightmare since I no longer had a car. Taking the bus and/or walking everywhere made it impossible to do anything but the scheduled tasks at hand. Luckily, Bill, of Starr, Scott and Bill, had a car and gave me a ride to our group tech rehearsal.
THEN THE BRIDGE COLLAPSED.
When the stage technicians at our tech rehearsal told us “the bridge collapsed” I assumed they meant the oldest bridge in town which probably had major construction going on, right? Nope. IT WAS AN INTERSTATE HIGHWAY GOING OVER THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER. An interstate hwy going over the Mississippi River that WE HAD BEEN ON 15 MINUTES BEFORE IT COLLAPSED. And which we were scheduled to be on again, to get to our showcase performances. As we exited the theatre headed to said showcase, the streets were teaming with people and cars. It was hushed chaos. People were respectful of the tragedy but had places to go and collapsed bridges to see. Traffic was an insane nightmare. We missed the showcase and barely made it home. Fiona, my friend we were staying with, is in her residency so she was called in for something ridiculous like a 16 hour shift at Hennepin Co. Hospital that night.
Bill.
The following day was the opening performance of my solo show. Still no stickers, still no car. What could I do, I had a show to put on. I asked Bill, who had nothing scheduled and no plans, if he would give me a ride to my opening night. “No. Sorry, you’ll have to find another ride” to my opening night, thank you asshole.
At this point, Bill was REALLY pissing me off. He had a solo show in the festival as well as our sketch comedy show. He used his solo show as an excuse to 1. Not have his lines memorized (which is amazing considering A.) we’d done this show in Portland and B.) he didn’t have lines memorized for sketches that HE HAD WRITTEN HIMSELF) 2. Be completely spaced out on stage 3. Miss all or most of his cues 4. Be a total dick when I asked for a ride somewhere. As you may recall I HAD A SOLO SHOW IN THE FESTIVAL ALSO. So I felt well within my rights confronting him about his complete lack of focus, presence and line memorization. He told me “It’ll be ok when I’m on stage for our opening night. My life is spinning out of control.” The phrase “my life is spinning out of control” seems to be code for “I am in no way willing to prioritize anyone other than myself.”
Starr, Scott and Bill.
My solo show went fine. The DMV stickers didn’t arrive and I ended up taking the bus or getting rides from Fiona all weekend. Our sketch show, on the other hand was being lambasted in the online audience reviews. If you want to see some of the reviews, just go to fringefestival.org. We were the second lowest rated show in the entire festival. It seemed to anger some people. This was puzzling because we did the show in Portland and were really well received, and we did Starr, Scott and Ed (mostly the same show) and it was well received in Fresno. So having these deeply harsh reviews was disheartening.
Eau Claire, WI.
Finally a week had passed and no stickers, I was 2 days off schedule and I somehow had to make my way to Eau Claire Wisconsin to the DMV to pick up the stickers myself. I was SO livid at the lumberjack woman at the Minneapolis Impound at this point I could taste blood. Bill was of course said no when I asked about a ride to Eau Claire. He had no shows, nowhere to be. He simply said “I only have four more days of vacation, so no, I’m not going to help you get to Eau Claire”. (It is notable that I drove this guy all over Des Moines when we were doing our shows there AND let him stay with me when otherwise he would’ve had to get a hotel room.) Luckily I have an amazing friend in Fiona and that special gal let me use her car to get to WI, which of course took multiple hours because I had to wait in line at the DMV. Then I got lost on the way back to Minnesota, making it even nightmarishly longer. That also forced me to call my friend Scott (who, although totally chummy with Bill-the-jerk the whole time, DID offer to help me rent a car if I needed to) and ask him to help me get the car out of Impound. During the call I started uncontrollably sobbing to the point where I had to hang up because I couldn’t control my words/anger and needed to get it together for driving.
At the impound the woman at the window said “you only have 1 sticker?” to which I shouted “THAT’S WHAT THEY GAVE ME AT THE WISCONSIN DMV WHEN I HAD TO DRIVE TO EAU CLAIRE TO PICK THEM UP. THE CAR IS REGISTERED!”
Finally, FINALLY I could drive my own dad’s car back to Madison. So at 10pm I started my 5 hour sojourn back to my dad’s.
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