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Portland allergies

Archived from December 03, 2005

Whoa. I couldn't BELIEVE how bad my allergies were in Portland. I lived in Portland four YEARS and I never had allergies - I NEVER HAD ALLERGIES. Now all of a sudden I go back there for 2 weeks and it's like I have a fat man hitting me in the back of the head all the time. Jesus H. I don't even know what caused it. I can only assume it's psychosomatic.
Psychosomatic?
Psychosomatic.
I had the most difficult time leaving at the end of this visit. I was surprised. There was no boy drama this time. I didn't even get to adequately hang out with all the people I know. Yet for some reason, this was the visit where I cried the day I left.

Maybe I was just tired. That's totally feasible. I'd been sleeping on people's couches, cushions on the floor, fold out beds or futons in meat lockers for 2 weeks - all the while staying out or up until 2am. Meanwhile everyday I would wake up thinking "crap, I'm wasting precious hang out time by sleeping." I'd venture to say I didn't get a decent night's sleep for 2 weeks. I must've been pretty tired. Hence the last day cry.

I'd missed it, though. I'd missed it so much. I loved hanging out with all these sweet looking scenesters, these beautiful young people, everyone reads, they all are in or went to college, everyone wants to recycle and be an active part of their community. People live there because they love living there, everyone is handsome and wears cute clothing, they consume locally manufactured goods and support their friends' art, work and services.
Friends. I missed my friends. I missed my friends' friends. I missed seeing strangers seeing their friends. I missed the pungent smell of patchouli. I missed people being curious about new ideas. I missed intellectuals. I missed "local" I missed "artists" I missed knowing someone who knows someone. I missed not having to have a car, I missed carpooling, I missed tall men. I missed "locally owned" I missed "independent". I missed everyone being cheap and not feeling guilty about it. I missed being around people who are a lot like I am. I missed being around women. I missed feminists. I missed people who don't care about body hair; I missed white people playing African music and black people reading Chinese. I missed coats and hats, I missed middle class. I missed getting by, I missed cooking, I missed moving slowly and not feeling like I'm getting run over.
We moved slowly together. I missed those things so much. And then I cried.

I got home and I didn't feel happy to be there. That was so surprising to me. Every time I come home I'm glad to be there.
I felt like something was missing. I felt like I needed to do something, like I needed to call someone or check my mail, but I didn't. All that was there were credit card letters.

So, what is up with the allergies?
I think I'm feeling lonely. Lonely and pinned down. Lonely, pinned down and burned out.
I'm doing stuff. I've been performing regularly, but it's not that fun right now. I need to make a change. How easy it would be to go back to pdx. I'd fit right in. It's so easy - or at least it feels that way. But I'm going to give it some more time.

That's why my allergies were there, to remind me that I needed to go home, that it's not perfect in PDX, and that I have a lot to learn and do in LA.

I didn't feel like going to Portland before I left. I even wrote to my friend that I didn't want to go but felt somewhat obligated. A trip to PDX "made sense" with my vacation time. I didn't want to leave LA.
I didn't want to leave LA.

Thank you, allergies, for keeping me on task.

<< | Posted by Starr at 2:11 PM | >>

Comments:

Hi Starr-
This is Sarah - we met briefly ages ago - (I am Reed's main squeeze)
I just wanted to say that your show here in PDX was so absolutely wonderful and I am oh so happy that I was able to be there. It was one of those cold rainy nights - I almost stayed home - but you were just what I needed.
You are amazing.

Posted by: sarah marcus at December 3, 2005 07:01 PM

Portland is the bomb. Whenever I go back to the Northwest I think, this is where I belong. Until I realize that I don't. Not yet. Did you catch the blue sun today? I was running on the beach with my shirt off. Snap.

Posted by: oso at December 4, 2005 12:16 AM

My friend Scott just said to me that I'm making it out like there's no one worth while in LA. He went on to remind me that there are "hicks in portland and people like you in LA". I of course know this, but I like to be reminded of my values, which are a-plenty in ye olde PDX.
He also was making fun of me for how dramatic this entry was, I'm like "kiss it, dick. There's more to me than just my good-time-gal joviality. There's a soul inside this caloused, dense flesh. Behold! Say I." Then he backed off, because you know what's mightier than the sword? Ren fairs.

Posted by: Starr at December 4, 2005 01:15 PM

Starr, this entry just made me swell right up. I love Portland so much, and when I left this city for two long years I experienced a constant feeling of vague unease. I felt like there was no common denominator with the people I met in New York and Dublin- I had to work from the ground up with every friendship and even aquaintanceship. I couldn't expect that people would take my lifelong vegetarianism calmly, say, or understand me when I talked about "Indie Rock." I felt like I was always working a little bit harder than I wanted to. Of course, I think it toughened me up, made me examine my beliefs and desires with more scrutiny, forced me to be a louder advocate for them. But in the end I just wanted to come home- to friends and tofu scrambles, and music every night of the week, and free events, and cheap beer, and ocean over here, mountains over there, earnest politics, bikes everywhere, curiosity and kindness abounding. In other words, I feel you, girl. I'm going to link to this entry on my blog, if that's okay. I think you perfectly stated what I tried to explain so many times when I was an ex-pat myself.

I loved seeing you, albeit briefly. I wish I could see you more.

Posted by: willow at December 4, 2005 08:26 PM

Oso - No, I didn't see the blue sun, but I did dream that I was watching the news and just before they cut to commercial, they mentioned something about the sun. The clip they showed before the break was really beautiful. I would've stayed tune, but it was a dream, so by switching stations at the commerical, I was at a pool without a swimming suit, only a terrycloth tank top and shorts.

Posted by: Starr at December 5, 2005 11:34 AM

Though the grass may be greener, it doesn't mean it's got all the vitamins and minerals for growth. While PDX feeds and fulfills the likes of many rennaissonic types, it maintains a strong far-from-rainbow-toffuti-cutie-land actuality. Check out the cover story of last week's Willamette Week. A revealing tale of latino human-and-drug-trafficking-slave-drivers in our own sweet City of Roses. It made me really sad and angry. I love Portland too, for many of the same reasons, but also think community, culture, and right livelihood can (must) be found (or created) anywhere. LA suprised the shit outta me with its friendly folks and flowering shrubs. Funny how perspectives are always different when one "visits". Another reason Portland's la shiz?: pastured beef EVERYWHERE. BTW, I was gardening in a t-shirt just last month.

Posted by: Ap (aka Portland Hippy) at December 12, 2005 04:22 PM

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