My mother and contraception.
Archived from October 30, 2005
One day when I was a teen, I went to visit my half sister at college. She encouraged me to have sex with my boyfriend, yet wouldn't buy me any condoms. Because I couldn't drive and didn't want to get pregnant, I said to my mom,
"Hey mom, will you buy me some contraception?"
To which she replied
"Have you ever heard of mutual masturbation?"
"Damnit mom, just buy me some condoms."
"Mutual masturbation is a great way to enjoy genital stimulation w/o risk of STDs or pregnancy."
"Mom, our genitals have been stimulated already. Now we're going to have intercourse."
"Mutual masturbation can be performed on yourself with your partner present, or you can 'masturbate' your partner."
"Mom, we will continue to explore mutual masturbation, but we're also going to explore heterosexual intercourse. Please buy me some contraception."
"We don't need a pregnant girl on our hands. Mutual masturbation would prevent risk of pregnancy."
"So will condoms."
"Not as well as mutual masturbation."
"Mom, seriously. Contraception. Please buy it for me."
Then my dad came in and my mom said to him;
"We have a girl here who wants to become sexually active."
Dad: "Has she ever heard of mutual masturbation?"
Me: "yes"
Dad: "Mutual masturbation is a great tool to prevent pregnancy and STDs."
Me: "I know".
Dad: "Mutual masturbation enhances intimacy between partners."
Mom: "And opens up the lines of sexual communication."
Dad: "Mutual masturbation helps a couple learn more about what they want..."
Mom: "Sexually."
Me: "We want sex... sexually. That's why I need the condoms."
Dad: "Mutual masturbation is a non-invasive way to achieve orgasm."
Mom: "you've had orgasms, right?"
Me: "yes, and now I would like some via intercourse."
Mom&Dad: (laughter)
Me: "What?"
Dad: "Mutual masturbation is a non-invasive, risk-free way to achieve orgasm."
Me: "So is oral sex."
Mom: "Although oral sex can lead to STDs of the mouth and genitals, it is a 100% effective method for preventing pregnancy."
Me: "We don't have STDs."
Dad: "Mutual masturbation can be done in a car or under bleachers.
Mom: "below a table away from teachers"
Dad: "On a blanket in the sun"
Mom: "mutual masturbation is for everyone."
Dad: "Mutual masturbation can be done in a bed."
Me: "So can sexual intercourse and giving head."
Mom: "Mutual masturbation can be done among the trees."
Dad: "Mutual masturbation is for you and me."
Mom: "Mutual masturbation can be performed in a well.
Dad: "Mutual masturbation will not send you to hell."
Mom: "Mutual masturbation is an orgasmic skill."
Me: "If I don't get some condoms there might be a baby we'll have to kill.
Dad: "Everyone in the world can do mutual masturbation.
Mom: "It would help a lot in over crowded nations.
Me: "I'll grant you, mutual masturbation is fun. And mutual masturbation is for absolutely everyone. But my boyfriend and I want to have a go. I think you should be thankful that we're not exploring blow. I do not want to have unprotected sex, because I don't want to have to break little fetal necks. So please quit your preaching, get off your soapbox, so that I can get a rubber for my boyfriend's cox.
Then my mom took me to the store and bought me $50 worth of condoms and spermicidal jams and jellies.
THANKS MOM!
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