101 Ways to Break Up with Jesse Chow
Archived from May 31, 2005
After I wrote 101 ways to ask out Jesse Chow, Natalie still hadn't asked him out. So I said I bet I could write 101 ways to break up with Jesse Chow. I didn't actually finish before Natalie discovered Jesse had recently been asked out by a rival girl.
Many of the break-up options end with Jesse saying "Are We Breaking Up?" I've abbreviated this to "A.W.B.U."
Here are 101 Ways to Break Up with Jesse Chow.
1. Stop talking to him.
2. Stop responding when he talks to you.
3. Begin referring to him in conversation as “Jessie Chow, my ex-boyfriend”
4. At a restaurant wait until there’s a lull in conversations and throw wine in his face and say “That’s it, we’re over” then storm out.
5. Pray to god that he leaves you alone
6. Pray to god that he breaks up with you first
7. Write him a poem that goes “roses are red, violets are blue, this poem’s about me breaking up with you
8. Sleep with another guy
9. Sleep with his friend
10. Sleep with his brother
11. Sleep with his dad
12. Sleep with his mom
13. Kill his dog. With the blood write “this was not an accident”
14. Leave him a note made by mix-matched words and letters from magazines or newspapers that reads “Break up with your girlfriend or you and your family will be killed.
15. Key his car every time he picks you up and laugh after/before you do it.
16. Go tanning. Have a friend write in masking tape “I am single” on your back. Take off the masking tape when you’re dark enough so that the words remain. Wear a lot of backless garments when you’re together. AWBU?
17. Send back all the things he ever gave you. He’ll say “are we breaking up?” yes.
18. Invite him over. Put on a puppet show where the two characters have your names and do things you do and then at the end have a scene where you break up. AWBU?
19. When speaking to him, only condescend.
20. Go over to his house. Shit on the floor.
21. Call his mom. Tell her you cheated on her son and you’re really sorry and you respect her and then ask her to break it to Jesse for you.
22. Call him up. Say “Hey Jesse, we’ve had some great times, but I’m just not feeling it, you know?” AWBU?
23. Buy a new car, move to a new city. Don’t tell him
24. Offer to put his money into stocks. Put into bad stocks. Tell him you can’t date someone who can’t support you financially.
25. Tell him you’re gay.
26. Ask him if he’s gay. If he says yes-golden. If he says no, look confused and say, “Then why are you acting like this? Look, I’m tired of living a lie.” AWBU?
27. Tell him you “need a break (up).”
28. Get him drunk. Invite over some friends to seduce him. Next day, say “I know what happened last night, we’re over”
29. Buy a dress that is not flattering for you. Ask him if he thinks it makes you look fat. If he says no, accuse him of lying if he says yes tell him he’s a bastard. Then say “I’m tired of your lies/cruelty. We’re over”
30. Invite him over for a snack. Fill the snacks with glue. See what happens.
31. Invite him over. Give him a massage, a hot bath and a good lay. As you’re waking up the next day say “Thank you for the good times, Jesse. I care for you, but I need to move on.
32. Get a bucket of rocks. When he comes over stand in your doorway and throw the rocks at him saying “get off my land!”
33. Get a restraining order against him
34. Get a dog. Teach it to attack Jesse.
35. Join a cult. Tell Jesse you no longer need him, the cult is your everything.
36. Buy him a nice new pair of shoes. Give them to him and say “I got these for you to walk out my door on your new journey; the one without me.
37. Find a girl you know he is attracted to and is attracted to him. Invite them both over. Have them seated on the couch together. Say to Jesse, “I don’t want to be with you anymore. This girl is here to console you. I’m going to go out for an hour, I expect you guys out of here by the time I get back. Thanks.”
38. Start dressing as a man. Come up to him one day and say “Ya know, friend, I’m not into you anymore. I’m into me.”
39. Open your own business-as an escort.
40. Refuse sex unless it means a strap-on in his ass.
41. Tell him you’re joining a monastery.
42. Get a sex change.
43. Leave him a note in blood that says “We’re not together anymore”
44. Send him a singing telegram, have the singer sing “Breaking up is hard to do.”
45. Tell his co-worker to tell him that you’re having second thoughts.
46. Send him an email. Subject: you’re my ex-boyfriend now. Body: as of today.
47. Send him flowers at work with a note that says “act happy, we’re breaking up right now and you don’t want anyone to think anything is wrong.”
48. Call him up and say “so, asshole, I heard about everything. We’re over. Just forget it. I don’t want to hear your excuses, in fact, I don’t want to hear your ugly face again.
49. Buy a gun. Invite him over. Tell him you have something to show him. Point the gun at him and say “turn around and walk out my door and never come back in.”
50. Buy a gun. Invite him over. Tell him you want to show him something. Get the gun, point it at his face and say “turn around and walk out my door and never come back in.” Then laugh, put the gun down and say ‘I was just kidding. I’m not really threatening you with a gun. But seriously, we are breaking up.”
51. Invite him over for a movie. Instead of a couch, watch the move on two wooden kitchen chairs. After the movie (or during) he may want to cuddle or have sex. Simply say “You stay on your chair, and I’ll stay on mine.” Then tell him that this is a metaphor for your lives right now. They are separate, wooden, and fine on their own. Then offer him the chair as a token of your appreciation on his way out.
52. Stop having sex or being affectionate with him. AWBU?
53. Get someone to mess up his house i.e. steal all his stuff, so he doesn’t feel safe. When he asks to stay with you say “You’re on your own, buddy. C’mon, be a man. I don’t think I can be with someone so weak.
54. Put pests in his house so it has to get fumigated. When he asks to stay at your place, say “Eeww, I don’t want you in my house. You’re filled with pests.”
55. Go out with his family. Stand on the table and pee. Then skip out. He won’t call you.
56. Don’t like anything he does and make sure you tell him every time. AWBU?
57. Use his toothbrush to clean your toilet.
58. Exclusively rent movies about unrequited love, breaking up and death of a significant other. Watch one or more movies every night for a week to a month. Always say “great movie” at the end. He’ll say “depressing.” You say “freeing.” AWBU?
59. Call him up and say “We have to talk” he’ll say “What’s up” you say “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”
60. Tell him you had a dream last night where the two of you broke up and it felt so good and relieving. Mention you were friends afterward and you occasionally (once every 2-4 weeks) hung out. Then say I think it was an omen. He’ll say “Do you want to break-up?” you say “yes.”
61. Find a new guy to have a crush on. Ask the new guy out on a date. Tell Jesse how much of a crush you have on this guy and how excited you are for the date you asked him out on. AWBU? Yes. He may say “I’m not comfortable with this.” you say “Get comfortable.”
62. Tell Jesse you’re been doing a lot of thinking lately and you feel like it’s time for you to start seeing other people and stop seeing each other.
63. Ask Jesse if he enjoys being with you. Ask him how much it’s worth to him. Offer to buy him out.
64. Start seeing a counselor. Invite Jesse into a session. Tell the counselor you want to break up with Jesse but you aren’t sure how to do it. AWBU?
65. Ask Jesse if he were you, how would he go about breaking up with himself.
66. Go to an out of town biker bar with Jesse. When inside tell him you forgot your bag/purse/money/tampons in the car. Send him to the abandoned parking lot to get the item. Have the bikers go out to the parking lot and rough him up a little. When he comes back in and wants to leave, tell him you want to stay - these are your people.
67. Invite him over for a make-out session. Turn out the lights, shut the door and tell him “we have to talk.” sigh and say “God this is hard. I don’t know how to tell you this…” AWBU?
68. Ask him to write a sad melody and when he’s done it, you’ll add the lyrics. The chorus should go something like, “I’m sorry, Jesse Chow, but it’s just not working out.” the verses should be about specific events/qualities that added up to this break-up. The bridge should contain the word “inevitable.”
69. Buy a fake glass of brandy that looks like it has brandy in it, but it’s fake. Trick him into saying something offensive about your weight for example then throw the brandy in his face. When he realizes what happened and starts laughing scream “Stop laughing at me!” storm out. When he calls after you, tell him you’re tired of his abuse and you’re breaking free.
70. After a date say “Phew, I’m exhausted. I’m going to turn in early.” when he calls the next day, don’t have time to talk to him. After a little while of not picking up when he calls pick up and say “Yeah, I’ve been pretty busy doing stuff, you know. So, I need a little more me time in my day for stuff - stuff that doesn't include you.
71. Tell him you learned how to make soft pretzels. Form one into a sentence that reads “I’m leaving you.”
72. One day casually say “You look like you’ve put on some weight.” mention his huge ass at least once a week. During missionary positioned sex, complain of not being able to breathe due to his girth. When he suggests going out to dinner, laugh or get really nervous and suggest you stay in again. While you destroy his self image and esteem, pass out pictures of him to women you meet at bars or friends of friends and ask if they think he’s attractive. Begin regularly calling him “fat man Caruthers” “fat jacks” and “barge.” If he hasn’t broken up with you at this point, set up a light lunch with one of the women who thought he was attractive. 15 minutes or so before the lunch tell them you can’t make it, but to go ahead without you. Tell the woman he’s your single friend and is sort of insecure, so she should mention how attractive he is. Suggest she ask him out if she’s interested. He’ll break up with you.
73. Steal all his laundry detergent so he has to wash his clothes in water only. Complain of the stench. Stop coming over to his house (except to steal/contaminate detergent) begin calling him “stink nack paddy wack” “stink bug” “pew grant” or “pew heffner” “sir stinks lot” “princess dipewna” call his decorating style “stinkadelic” suggest his favorite color is “pewce” after a week, tell him you just can’t stand the smell and you have to move on to greener, fresher, lemon scented pastures with no cow shit in them.
74. Call him and say “Buddy, I don’t know what I was thinking asking you out. This is so obviously not working.”
75. Put his money into bad stocks. Tell him you can’t be with someone who can’t handle his fiscal affairs himself.
76. Put his money into bad stocks. Tell him he never should have trusted you
77. Beg him to tell you his deepest secret. Right in the middle of him telling you say that you can’t be trusted and he should just stop right there because you’ll write letters to his family and friends and include that piece of information. Then get your coat and say “we need to stop this charade.” Pronounce it “shar-aad”.
78. Beg him to tell you his most embarrassing moment, then say “boy you ARE embarrassing. I’m out of here, bozo.”
79. Send him flowers at work with a note that says “Sorry to hear about your recent break-up. These things happen for a reason, like that you aren‘t meant to be together.”
80. Buy a gun. Invite him over. Answer the door wearing an old nightgown with a bear on the front and old cheerios stuck in it. Have make-up running down your face. Have the gun on a string around your neck. Say “Jesse, (be crying) you don’t want to have a crazy girlfriend, right? Because that’s what I am - crazy, and I’m going to kill you and/or me if you don’t break up with me right now.” Then shriek “I’M NOT SHITTING YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I KILL US BOTH!! I‘M NOT HAPPY!! I‘M NOT HAPPY!!”
81. Break your spine. While in the hospital tell Jesse that he did this to you and no amount of apologizing will ever make it go away. The best thing he can do is leave the room and let you heal in peace.
82. Break your spine. While in the hospital say to Jesse that he deserves more than someone who might end up a paraplegic and that you are setting him free.
83. Stand outside his window with a boom box over your head playing “If you love someone set them free.” by the Police.
84. Put roofies in Jesse’s alcoholic beverage. Leave him at the bar. See what happens. He'll probably break up with you.
85. Throw yourself a birthday party, but don’t tell him about it. Then when he finds out and asks you about it say “I just need some time with my other friends. By the way, we’re just friends.”
86. Invite him over. Tell him to take off his shoes. Rub his feet. While you rub his feet say “I bet this feels good, doesn’t it, just takes a load off, right? If we were to break up it would be like you giving me the best food rub ever.”
87. When he tries to kiss you say “Ewww, I don’t kiss relatives.”
88. Give him a lifejacket. When he asks what's the occasion, say "Well, it's pretty obvious this boat is sinking."
89. Put a personal ad in the newspaper for him that reads “newly dumped guy seeking nice girl for LTR or fling. Contact Jesse Chow.” Include his phone #
90. Call him up, say “This is the break-up call” then hang up immediately.
91. Wait until he has a dental appointment. Arrange with the DDS’s hygienist to let you do the cleaning. Put on a mask and dark goggles so he doesn’t know it’s you. Disguise your voice. As he’s sitting in the chair and you’re examining his teeth, say to him “so, I heard your girlfriend wants to break up with you.” Because his mouth is full of your fingers, you’ll have ample opportunity to go into a long third person monologue about the reasons to break up, and if you’re feeling guilty etc etc.
92. Wait until he has a dental appointment. While in the role of the hygienist, start trash talking his “girlfriend”. As he tries to defend “her” let him know all the reasons “she” wants to break up with him. Tell him that he should just break up with her first, and don’t give her the satisfaction of being the one calling the shots. Then tell him which of the hygienists in the office are single and ask if you can give them his number.
93. Get some red paint. Paint on the side of his house “SINGLE GUY LIVES HERE”.
94. Get some shaving cream or spray snow. Spray on his windshield “for sale, so to speak, not the car, the guy. I’m single and looking!” include his phone number.
95. Put an ad on craigslist. Leave the phone number to his house so the guys will call there looking for you. AWBU?
96. Shave your head, get dressed up in a camouflage outfit, include face paint. Do a reconnaissance mission to get your stuff back
97. Everytime you see him kick him in the balls. If he asks why, just say “felt like it.” He’ll break up with you.
98. Tell him you’re pregnant with another man’s child. When he offers to help you raise it tell him it was a lie and you just want out.
99. Next time he leaves town for the weekend, have a big party at his house, even though he told you not to. Have the guests break all the neighbor’s windows. He’ll break up with you.
100. Start stealing from him. When he asks for things back, say “Those things are mine. You took part of my life away, the least you can do is give me your microwave.”
101. Give him a hug. While you’re embracing start to cry. When he asks what’s wrong say “We had some good times. I really respect you and like you, and this is really difficult, but I’ve decided I need to stop seeing you. I am crying because I’m afraid you’ll hate me.” He may hate you, but he’ll have to accept that it’s over.
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