101 Ways to ask out Jesse Chow
Archived from May 31, 2005
In 2001, my roommate, Natalie, had a crush on a guy named Jesse Chow. Jesse Chow was in film production school with her. They did some sound work together and he worked on a short film w/ our other roommate.
Natalie talked about Jesse ALL THE TIME for about 3 months and never asked him out. She claimed she would, but didn't. I bet her I could write 101 ways to ask out Jesse Chow before she actually did it.
I won the bet.
Here is my list of 101 ways to ask out Jesse Chow.
1. Call him and say “hey Jesse, this is Natalie. You might remember me from doing sound the other night. Hey, I heard they had Great Ham at Norm’s. Would you like to get some with me tomorrow night? Oh you’re busy tomorrow night? Ok, well, if there’s another night that would work better…
2.Wait until the crew party Becca is throwing. Get pretty drunk and hope he gets drunk and then hook up.
3. Find out his class schedule and “run into” him after class one day. Find out where he’s going and ask to walk him there. Once you’ve gotten where he’s going say, “boy, I had a really great time. I’d like to do this again sometime. How about tomorrow?”
4. Find out where he parks his car. Ride a bike around campus that day and when you see he’s getting ready to leave ride your bike into his car. This will be a good chance to see if he’s a good person too; if he stops to help you or just drives off. If he stops and helps, he’s golden. If he doesn’t stop and just runs over you, you may want to look elsewhere for love. Assuming he stops, say “thanks for the help, I feel so silly hey, are you in a hurry? Let me take you out.”
5.Come up from behind, grab his hands and whisper “look, fucker, I’ve got two tickets to the theatre tonight. Are you gonna go peaceful-like or do I have to take you there in a body bag?”
6. Bring a microphone and amp to school, stand outside one of his classrooms. Sing “I wish that I were Jesse’s girl”
7. Have your friend call him and say “Jesse, Natalie wants you to ask her out. I’ve got her right here, you can do it now.”
8. Leave a note in his mailbox that says “Jesse, I’ve seen you around and I’ve liked what I’ve seen. Come to my house tomorrow and I’ll show you a good time”
9. Leave a note in his mailbox that says “Jesse, call me ASAP. It’s an emergency!” leave your phone number
10. Leave a note in his mailbox that says “Jesse, I bet you never thought you’d get a letter from me. I bet you also never thought you’d get asked out by me-but you are getting both!” call me.
11. Leave a note that says “Dear Jesse, what’s ^? I totally miss you! I’m so sorry I haven’t written in such a long time I’ve been SUPER busy! But I will be available this week, if you want to hang out-which I DEFINITELY do! Write back soon, or better yet, CALL ME! 2friends + 2gether = 4ever! TLA, FF.
12. Come up to Jesse from behind. Cover his eyes and say “guess who-It’s me! Your new girlfriend!”
13. Come up from behind, grab his ears pull him toward your chest and say “go out with me right now.” If he doesn’t immediately say ‘yes’ say “I don’t want this to turn into a Tyson/Foreman situation, because I have a high voice and I’m a world class fighter.”
14. Sit down with him at a table and say “let’s arm wrestle. If you win, I’ll ask you out, if I win, you ask me out. Go.”
15. Come up from behind, put a choke hold on him, say “if you want to move or breathe, go out with me.”
16. Come up from behind and stick your tongue in his ear. Then say, “That’s the way lovers kiss, right, Lover.”
17. Call him up and say “who is this?” He’ll say “Jesse” then say “oh, I must have dialed the wrong number. How serendipitous! I guess this is fate for you to join me at this café for coffee and a small food item tonight, or another night at your leisure.
18. Get a Polaroid camera. Take a picture of two tickets to an event Write on the bottom of the picture, “one of these could be yours” Put it in his mailbox.
19. Order a pizza. Deliver it to his home with a bottle of wine. Tell him this is the way Italians ask each other out.
20. File for a joint bank account. Send him the notice in a pink envelope with hearts inside it, along with a note that says “let’s do it!”
21. Get an artist to draw a picture of you and Jesse together embracing. Have it framed and gift wrapped. Present it to him at a chance meeting or a gift exchange party. When he opens it say “isn’t it perfect?” He’ll say “yes” then say “I thought so too, I guess we’ll have to look like that as much as possible.
22. Come up to him and grab the skin under his chin and say “hey fatty, no one will ever love you but me”
23. Come up to him and give him a noogie and say “hey baldy, no one will ever love you but me.”
24. Come up to him and say “hey, do you like wrestling? C’mon, I’ll take you right here, let’s go.”
25. Come up to him and say “Do you like professional wrestling? I hope so, because I’m a professional.”
26. Call him up and say “hey do you want to eat out, or we could stay in and YOU could eat out.”
27. Call him and say “Do you want to get down and boogie or you could just go down on me.”
28. Break into his house and put a pink towel that says “hers” in the bathroom. Call him the next day and say “hey, I think I left my towel over there”
29. Steal his car. In its place leave a note that says “I stole your car, but you stole my heart”
30. When you’re doing foley work and he’s in the sound booth, whip open the door and say “look, I’m sick of this shit, ok? We’re over. I’m leaving you, deal with it!” Slam the door and walk away. Then turn around and come back and say “baby, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean it. I want to be with you always. I miss ‘us’”
31. Put up flyers that say “seeking young, nice guy named Jesse Chow. Leave perforated phone numbers to tear off.
32. Call him up and say “Jesse, I can’t fight this feeling any longer. I just have to tell you that I’m interested in you and I really think it would work out between us, so I’d like to start dating as soon as possible.”
33. Call him up and say “Jesse, we had a meeting today at 3:30 - where were you? I think I can reschedule for tonight at 8pm at Norm’s - I’ll see you there!”
34. Get a hospital to call Jesse’s house and say “Jesse, we have a Natalie here who is courting death and the only way we can find to revive her is for you to ask her out. Then she’ll be courting you instead.”
35. Get a pharmacy to call him and say “Jesse, we have a woman here who needs her heart medication and you’re the only one who can administer it, so if you could go to her house with at least a night’s dosage.”
36. Follow him until he goes to K-mart or another Mart or large shopping establishment and have them say this page: “we have for a limited time only, a special on love in isle 4 if your name is Jesse Chow. That’s love for Jesse Chow, isle 4.”
37. Have the hospital call him and ask him to come in for some tests. Follow him there, as he goes in have them page “Chow, Dr. Jesse Chow, ICU to see a case of heartache.” Wait for him in the ICU.
38. Have the airport call him and ask him to come down. Follow him there, once he’s in, page him to a white phone and have the message be “go out with Natalie.”
39. Ask your friend to ask his friend to ask him if he’ll go out with you.
40. Take a pregnancy test that turns out negative. Send the results to Jesse with a note that says, “It could’ve been positive and it could’ve been yours.”
41. Call the exterminator and have them go to Jesse’s house. When he gets home he won’t be able to go inside for at least 24 hours. Be there waiting and tell him he’s welcome to stay at your house and keep warm tonight. Tell him you have a lot to keep him warm with (indicate your crotch).
42. Go to his Catholic church when he’s going to confession. Tell the priest to tell him to ask you out in order to be forgiven for his sins.
43. Go to his Catholic church when he’s going to confession. When he’s done and he leaves ask the priest if Jesse is good to go out with, or if in his professional opinion, should you stay away. If the priest gives you the thumbs up, ask him to pray with you for Jesse to ask you out.
43. Spell in silly string on his car “Jesse, go out with me. Love, Natalie”
44. Call him up and say “who is this?” he’ll say “Jesse” then say “I just *69’d you. Did you call me because you wanted to ask me out and then you got scared? Well don’t worry, I’ll go out with you.”
45. Punch him in the balls, then say “If you go out with me, that will never happen again.”
46. Come up from behind. Turn him around so that you are face to face with your foreheads touching. Start singing, “When I Look Into Your Eyes” by Guns & Roses (I think. Maybe it’s Bon Jovi or something)
47. Dress up as a Newsie and print a paper. Stand on the street near where you know he’ll be and start shouting the headline story, “Natalie to ask out crush, Jesse Chow”
48. When he’s not looking, put a cat in his bag and zip it up. Put a note on the cat that says, “Someone let the cat out of the bag--Natalie wants to go out with you!”
49. Next time he goes to a football game, get the cheerleaders to do this cheer: J-E-S-S-E CHOW! Just ask Natalie OUT! You should do it right NOW! YAY!
50. Put a personal ad in the classifieds that says “hey Jesse Chow, go out with Natalie. Call her tonight”
51. Leave a coupon in his mailbox that says “buy one dinner, get one free, when you go out with Natalie.”
52. Leave a coupon in his mailbox that says “good for one date with Natalie”
53. Bake a cake and put as many candles as he is old in it. Light them. Open the door of one of the classes he’s in and start singing happy birthday. When he blows out the candles say “yes! I will go out with you. See, wishes do come true!”
54. Get some trained dogs to stand in front of his car or house and growl so he can’t get in. Come up from behind him and say “I’ll handle this” and shoo the dogs away. He’ll be grateful and probably offer money. Don’t take the money, instead say, all the payment I need is to have you join me for dinner tonight.
54. Take a Polaroid of your naked body. At the bottom write “one day, all of this could be yours”
55. Break your arm. Get him to sign your cast. When he’s done, say “I’d like you to go out with me, but I’m afraid you’ll discriminate against me because I’m disabled.”
55. Break your arm. Get him to sign your cast. When he’s done say, “you forgot your phone number. I’m going to need that when I ask you out”
56. Put 2 razorblades in an envelope with a note that says “I’ve got plenty more just like these if you won’t go out with me”
57. Put a dagger in an envelope with a note that says “I’m asking you out, either call me and say yes, or just jab this into my heart.”
58. Carve his name into your arm and make a print of it onto paper. Put it into an envelope along with a photo of your arm and a note that says “I like you so much it’s SCAR-RY”
59. Bump into him and faint into his arms then say “I need you to give me mouth to mouth”
60. Come up to him and say “I’m going to a movie on Friday, would you like to join me?”
61. Follow him to a clothing store. Steal a nametag and ask him “hey, can I help you find anything? I’ve got something right here that I’m pretty sure will fit you” (point to vagina)
62. Run into him and ask if he has any math homework. Then say “because I could really help you; first with addition and later, if you’re interested, with multiplication. Let’s go someplace a little more comfortable and discuss angles and positions.”
63. See him from across the street and say “Hey Jesse!” to get his attention. Then run across the street to him and say “hey Jesse, why did the chicken cross the road? Because she finally got up the courage to ask you out.”
64. Get a set of encyclopedias. Go to Jesse’s house and say “I’m prepared to sell you this set of encyclopedias for _____ (the cost of the encyclopedias or just a little less) plus a date with me. If he says he doesn’t want the encyclopedias, try a harder sell.
65. Get dressed up in a sexy negligee. Go to his house with a boom box and say “Jesse, you have been given a strip gift from anonymous” Give him a strip show and at the end say “Hey Jesse, I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m anonymous”
66. Steal his planner and replace it with an identical planner that only says “ask out Natalie” don’t forget to include your phone number and other personal information on the “emergency numbers” page.
67. Get some big guys to blindfold, tie-up and kidnap Jesse in the trunk of their car. Have them take the car to the beach or another romantic spot. Stage the following: The guys grunting and talking in a manner that suggests drug ties and mob action. Come over to them and say “Hey guys, what’s in the trunk?” they they’ll say “get her” make some karate-type sounds (Hai-ya! For example) and some punching and kicking sounds. Then say “get out of here or I’ll kill you” They’ll stagger off swearing because you hurt them. Open the trunk and say “let’s get you out of here.” Then, while he’s collecting himself suggest you two take a walk to calm down. While waking say “hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Will you go out with me?”
68. Around dinner time say “Hey Jesse, want to get some chow?”
69. Call him and say “Hey Jesse, I just called to Chow the fat. I’m just kidding, you’re not actually fat. In fact you’re really attractive. Would you like to go on a date?”
70. Send flowers with a note that says “Jesse, thanks for everything. I’ll call you later and we can go out.”
71. The next time you’re at a football game and Jesse is there, get the marching band to play “I wish that I had Jesse’s Girl” Then have them all sing the chorus, “She wishes she were Jesse’s girl” then come up form behind him and say “I’m the ‘she’”
72. Make a sizable donation to a charity in his name. Have the organization send him a note that says “a donation has been made in your name to our charity. Now return the charitable deed and ask out Natalie.”
73. Call his dad and ask for Jesse’s hand in marriage.
74. Contact a guy in Vegas who does marriages. Have him send Jesse a note that says “Congratulations on your marriage to Natalie! Don’t forget to tell your friends about our organization!”
75. Wait for Jesse to throw a party. Dress up as a cop and knock at the door. Have Jesse come out “to talk about the noise” then handcuff him and tell him he has a right to remain silent until you finish asking him out. When he says “yes” he’s free to go.
76. Get an acoustic guitar or a small grunge-style band together. Wait outside one of his classes and when you see him begin singing “date me” to Nirvana’s “rape me” song.
77. Find out what he likes better-whipped cream, cool whip, sour cream or mayonnaise. Cover your naked body with it and knock on his door.
78, Find out what grocery store he frequents. On a day when you know he’ll be shopping, get all of the check-out people to wear stickers/pins on their fronts that say “have you asked out Natalie today?”
79. Make friends with the guy who stocks vending machines on campus. Have him stock Jesse’s favorite beverage, only put a little sticker on each can/bottle that says “hey Jesse Chow, will you go out with Natalie?” Then serve potato chips and popcorn to his classes.
80. Get a lawn gnome and put a little note on it that says “Natalie wants to go digging in the dirt with you” put the gnome on his car.
81. Go to one of his classes and act like you’re in it. Write a note that says “Jesse, would you go out with Natalie? Check the appropriate box (have a yes box and a no box) Please return to sender.” Fold it up “football-style” and pass it to him.
82. Work it out with a friend that when you see Jesse in the cafeteria, you’ll stand in the path that Jesse walks. The friend will trip him and say “hey, looks like Jesse’s FALLING for Natalie.” Then say “Jesse, I’m so flattered, yes! I will go out with you!”
83. Forget your headphones at the sound department where he works. Go back in and say “Hey Jesse, when do you get off work? I’ll pick you up.”
84. Have your housemate call him and say “Jesse? You know Natalie? I was wondering if you could do me a favor. We need to get Natalie out of the house for a little while, we were wondering if you could swing by and pick her up and take her out for a little while. Thanks.
85. Call Jesse and say “Have you read the news today? Did you catch the article that said there’s an ensuing Asian Invasion into Natalie’s heart. Go out with me.”
86. Rent a billboard near where Jesse lives/drives past and write on it “Jesse, go out with Natalie”
87. Make friends with an FBI agent. Have the FBI tap Jesse’s phone and give you a print out of all his calls. If he makes any calls to escort services or party/phone sex lines, have them redirected to your house. Develop a phone sex relationship with him and escalate it so eventually you go over to his house to help out.
88. Push Jesse down a steep hill and say “oh my sweet Jesse, what have I done?” Then throw yourself down the hill after him. At the bottom, when he asks you if you can move, say to him “you’re alive! If you want, I can fly!” Then say “go out with me”
89. Go into the boys bathroom. Ball up wet toilet paper and throw it so it sticks onto the ceiling in a formation that reads “Jesse, go out with Natalie”
90. Break into Jesse’s house. Find where he keeps a “to do” list or where he hangs his post-it notes. On the “to do” list, or a post-it note, write “Call Natalie for a date” and put it with the others.
91. Break into Jesse’s house. Lick the rims of all his glasses. Leave a note on his computer that says “hey Jesse, I licked all your cups so that when you take a drink it’s like we’re kissing. I’d like to kiss you for real. Call me.”
92. Break into his house. Change his answering machine’s outgoing message to say “Jesse’s not here, he’s most likely making love to his new girlfriend, Natalie. You might want to try her house” leave your phone number.
93. Call his parents and explain the situation, then say how great you are and give all your references. Then ask them if they’ll tell their son to go out with you.
94. Make him a love song mix tape using subliminal message recording technology. Have the subliminal message be “ask Natalie out, love her, make love to her.” leave it in his mailbox with a note that says, “From, anonymous.” See what happens.
95. Try reverse psychology. Buy him a care bear with a note that reads “I ‘bear’ly care for you, so you better not ask me out-got it? Just get that idea out of your head right now. You are NOT going to ask me out, because I am not interested. Love, Natalie”
96. Go to his apartment in the middle of the night. Buzz his room. When he answers, say “Jesse, I’m having an emergency. I need your help. It’s not life and death, but I need your assistance.” Make up a story about how you need him to drive with you to get your friend’s car and drive with it back to your apartment. Invite him in. Try to make love to him.
97. Go up to Jesse. Ask if he’s gay. If he says “no” say “great, when can we go out?”
98. Go up to Jesse. Ask if he’s married. If he says “no” say “are you gay?” if he says “no” say “great, when can we go out?”
99. Get really drunk, go up to Jesse and tell him how you feel. Tell him you need him to take you home. To his home.
100. Get your friend to write 101 ways to ask out Jesse Chow. Send him the book.
101. Punch him in the balls, and then say “I can fix that with kisses.”
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