Recently in 101 Ways Category

1. don't be an asshole.
2. stop stressing out over little things
3. stop stressing out over big things
4. stop stressing out over money
5. stop worrying about paying back your debts
6. stop worrying about what you look like
7. only eat organic fruits and vegetables
8. stop eating all animal products, especially those laced with hormones, anti-biotics and steroids.
9. tell everyone good things about you and about themselves.
10. stop talking to assholes
11. stop listening to assholes
12. stop going to work everyday
13. stop going to work all together
14. never be more than 20 feet away from a toilet at anytime, so you never hold in your excrament.
15. wash and skin your fruits and vegetables to avoid injesting pesticides and herbacides
16. only buy organic foods to avoid pesticides and herbacides
17. grow all your own foods to avoid other people's hands on your food
18. Go into the woods every day for at least one hour
19. Go into the woods for months at a time
20. stop eating canned foods
21. stop eating prepared foods of any nature
22. mill your own grains
23. do a fast every month
24. stop concerning yourself with society's imposed beauty standards
25. stop driving a car
26. stop being a passenger in any cars
27.stop taking the bus
28. stop taking airplanes
29. do not ride in any motor powered flying machines
30. stop taking trains
31. stop taking motorized boats
32. do not be in the air with flying machines
33. do not be on the road with cars, buses or any motorized vehicles
34. do not be on the water with motorized boats
35. don't wear tight pants
36. don't take medication
37. don't smoke any smoking product
38. don't chew tobacco
39. don't use nicorette or the patch
40. get a massage every week
41. have a psychotherapy appointment every week
42. immediately address your feelings at any given moment
43. physically fight if you have to
44. do not carry a gun or hang around people with guns (guns are stressful and you will get or give cancer via stress)
45. have dogs and cats
46. make sure your animals excrete solids outside of the home
47. dont' use any cleaning solutions
48. get away from anything plastic
49. get away from your, or anyone elses' microwave.
50. demand people dispose of their microwaves one week or more before you will come into their home.
51. get away from anything on fire
52. never eat anything burned
53. just don't eat anything cooked
54. only use blankets and sweaters for heat, no gas, no electric = potential agents of cancer.
55. do not eat any processed foods
56. do not eat in restaurants
57. do not go swimming in pools
58. do not go swimming in lakes next to populated areas
59. do not go swimming in anything other than glacial pools and hot springs
60. bathe in hotsprings as often as possible
61. don't sit for anymore than 30 min at a time.
62. do not use a computer (potential agent of cancer)
63. do not use a tv (potential agent of cancer via plastics/filament as well as stress)
64. do not use a waterbed
65. only sleep on straw - no manufactured fibers.
66. don't go on fiberglass water vessels
67. only ride in handmade, log canoes.
68. don't wear polyesther or fleece.
69. only wear hand crafted silk, wool and cotton produced with metal and wood tools
70. exercise each day.
71. do a wide variety of exercises to exercise every part of you
72. meditate for the better part of the day
73. hang around with other, non-toxic attired people in non-toxic environments
74. don't use paint
75. don't go into buildings
76. walk where you need to go, away from all machines.
77. sing in moderation every day
78. do not consume anything artificial
79. don't use paper you haven't made yourself from natural sources - not other paper.
80. don't use pens
81. dont' use pencils
82. don't use coal to write on shovels or handmade paper from papyrus or whatever you make it from.
83. breastfeed
84. stay 500-1000 miles away from powerplants, factories and medical facilities of any nature
85. do not swim in waters which run downstream of any powerplants, factories, medical facilities or papermills
86. do not drink water or eat anything out of any plastic containers, ever.
87. if you see a plastic container STAY AWAY.
88. stay 500-1000 miles away from papermills.
89. never go into a dr or dentist office.
90. don't let a doctor or dentist come to you with their own equipment. Make sure they're naked.
91. stay away from all manufactured "beauty" products.
92. stay away from all products that you do not handcraft yourself under extremely mellow conditions where you experience no stress.
93. have extremely low maintenance children
94. have extremely low maintenance relationships
95. be effortlessly wealthy
96. laugh every day as much as you can
97. smile every day as much as you can
98. cry whenever you need to.
99. don't use booze or drugs
100. get and give a lot of affection
101. think happy thoughts

In 2001, my roommate, Natalie, had a crush on a guy named Jesse Chow. Jesse Chow was in film production school with her. They did some sound work together and he worked on a short film w/ our other roommate.

Natalie talked about Jesse ALL THE TIME for about 3 months and never asked him out. She claimed she would, but didn't. I bet her I could write 101 ways to ask out Jesse Chow before she actually did it.
I won the bet.

Here is my list of 101 ways to ask out Jesse Chow.

1. Call him and say “hey Jesse, this is Natalie. You might remember me from doing sound the other night. Hey, I heard they had Great Ham at Norm’s. Would you like to get some with me tomorrow night? Oh you’re busy tomorrow night? Ok, well, if there’s another night that would work better…

2.Wait until the crew party Becca is throwing. Get pretty drunk and hope he gets drunk and then hook up.

3. Find out his class schedule and “run into” him after class one day. Find out where he’s going and ask to walk him there. Once you’ve gotten where he’s going say, “boy, I had a really great time. I’d like to do this again sometime. How about tomorrow?”

4. Find out where he parks his car. Ride a bike around campus that day and when you see he’s getting ready to leave ride your bike into his car. This will be a good chance to see if he’s a good person too; if he stops to help you or just drives off. If he stops and helps, he’s golden. If he doesn’t stop and just runs over you, you may want to look elsewhere for love. Assuming he stops, say “thanks for the help, I feel so silly hey, are you in a hurry? Let me take you out.”

5.Come up from behind, grab his hands and whisper “look, fucker, I’ve got two tickets to the theatre tonight. Are you gonna go peaceful-like or do I have to take you there in a body bag?”

6. Bring a microphone and amp to school, stand outside one of his classrooms. Sing “I wish that I were Jesse’s girl”

7. Have your friend call him and say “Jesse, Natalie wants you to ask her out. I’ve got her right here, you can do it now.”

8. Leave a note in his mailbox that says “Jesse, I’ve seen you around and I’ve liked what I’ve seen. Come to my house tomorrow and I’ll show you a good time”

9. Leave a note in his mailbox that says “Jesse, call me ASAP. It’s an emergency!” leave your phone number

10. Leave a note in his mailbox that says “Jesse, I bet you never thought you’d get a letter from me. I bet you also never thought you’d get asked out by me-but you are getting both!” call me.

11. Leave a note that says “Dear Jesse, what’s ^? I totally miss you! I’m so sorry I haven’t written in such a long time I’ve been SUPER busy! But I will be available this week, if you want to hang out-which I DEFINITELY do! Write back soon, or better yet, CALL ME! 2friends + 2gether = 4ever! TLA, FF.

12. Come up to Jesse from behind. Cover his eyes and say “guess who-It’s me! Your new girlfriend!”

13. Come up from behind, grab his ears pull him toward your chest and say “go out with me right now.” If he doesn’t immediately say ‘yes’ say “I don’t want this to turn into a Tyson/Foreman situation, because I have a high voice and I’m a world class fighter.”

14. Sit down with him at a table and say “let’s arm wrestle. If you win, I’ll ask you out, if I win, you ask me out. Go.”

15. Come up from behind, put a choke hold on him, say “if you want to move or breathe, go out with me.”

16. Come up from behind and stick your tongue in his ear. Then say, “That’s the way lovers kiss, right, Lover.”

17. Call him up and say “who is this?” He’ll say “Jesse” then say “oh, I must have dialed the wrong number. How serendipitous! I guess this is fate for you to join me at this café for coffee and a small food item tonight, or another night at your leisure.

18. Get a Polaroid camera. Take a picture of two tickets to an event Write on the bottom of the picture, “one of these could be yours” Put it in his mailbox.

19. Order a pizza. Deliver it to his home with a bottle of wine. Tell him this is the way Italians ask each other out.

20. File for a joint bank account. Send him the notice in a pink envelope with hearts inside it, along with a note that says “let’s do it!”

21. Get an artist to draw a picture of you and Jesse together embracing. Have it framed and gift wrapped. Present it to him at a chance meeting or a gift exchange party. When he opens it say “isn’t it perfect?” He’ll say “yes” then say “I thought so too, I guess we’ll have to look like that as much as possible.

22. Come up to him and grab the skin under his chin and say “hey fatty, no one will ever love you but me”

23. Come up to him and give him a noogie and say “hey baldy, no one will ever love you but me.”

24. Come up to him and say “hey, do you like wrestling? C’mon, I’ll take you right here, let’s go.”

25. Come up to him and say “Do you like professional wrestling? I hope so, because I’m a professional.”

26. Call him up and say “hey do you want to eat out, or we could stay in and YOU could eat out.”

27. Call him and say “Do you want to get down and boogie or you could just go down on me.”

28. Break into his house and put a pink towel that says “hers” in the bathroom. Call him the next day and say “hey, I think I left my towel over there”

29. Steal his car. In its place leave a note that says “I stole your car, but you stole my heart”

30. When you’re doing foley work and he’s in the sound booth, whip open the door and say “look, I’m sick of this shit, ok? We’re over. I’m leaving you, deal with it!” Slam the door and walk away. Then turn around and come back and say “baby, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean it. I want to be with you always. I miss ‘us’”

31. Put up flyers that say “seeking young, nice guy named Jesse Chow. Leave perforated phone numbers to tear off.

32. Call him up and say “Jesse, I can’t fight this feeling any longer. I just have to tell you that I’m interested in you and I really think it would work out between us, so I’d like to start dating as soon as possible.”

33. Call him up and say “Jesse, we had a meeting today at 3:30 - where were you? I think I can reschedule for tonight at 8pm at Norm’s - I’ll see you there!”

34. Get a hospital to call Jesse’s house and say “Jesse, we have a Natalie here who is courting death and the only way we can find to revive her is for you to ask her out. Then she’ll be courting you instead.”

35. Get a pharmacy to call him and say “Jesse, we have a woman here who needs her heart medication and you’re the only one who can administer it, so if you could go to her house with at least a night’s dosage.”

36. Follow him until he goes to K-mart or another Mart or large shopping establishment and have them say this page: “we have for a limited time only, a special on love in isle 4 if your name is Jesse Chow. That’s love for Jesse Chow, isle 4.”

37. Have the hospital call him and ask him to come in for some tests. Follow him there, as he goes in have them page “Chow, Dr. Jesse Chow, ICU to see a case of heartache.” Wait for him in the ICU.

38. Have the airport call him and ask him to come down. Follow him there, once he’s in, page him to a white phone and have the message be “go out with Natalie.”

39. Ask your friend to ask his friend to ask him if he’ll go out with you.

40. Take a pregnancy test that turns out negative. Send the results to Jesse with a note that says, “It could’ve been positive and it could’ve been yours.”

41. Call the exterminator and have them go to Jesse’s house. When he gets home he won’t be able to go inside for at least 24 hours. Be there waiting and tell him he’s welcome to stay at your house and keep warm tonight. Tell him you have a lot to keep him warm with (indicate your crotch).

42. Go to his Catholic church when he’s going to confession. Tell the priest to tell him to ask you out in order to be forgiven for his sins.

43. Go to his Catholic church when he’s going to confession. When he’s done and he leaves ask the priest if Jesse is good to go out with, or if in his professional opinion, should you stay away. If the priest gives you the thumbs up, ask him to pray with you for Jesse to ask you out.

43. Spell in silly string on his car “Jesse, go out with me. Love, Natalie”

44. Call him up and say “who is this?” he’ll say “Jesse” then say “I just *69’d you. Did you call me because you wanted to ask me out and then you got scared? Well don’t worry, I’ll go out with you.”

45. Punch him in the balls, then say “If you go out with me, that will never happen again.”

46. Come up from behind. Turn him around so that you are face to face with your foreheads touching. Start singing, “When I Look Into Your Eyes” by Guns & Roses (I think. Maybe it’s Bon Jovi or something)

47. Dress up as a Newsie and print a paper. Stand on the street near where you know he’ll be and start shouting the headline story, “Natalie to ask out crush, Jesse Chow”

48. When he’s not looking, put a cat in his bag and zip it up. Put a note on the cat that says, “Someone let the cat out of the bag--Natalie wants to go out with you!”

49. Next time he goes to a football game, get the cheerleaders to do this cheer: J-E-S-S-E CHOW! Just ask Natalie OUT! You should do it right NOW! YAY!

50. Put a personal ad in the classifieds that says “hey Jesse Chow, go out with Natalie. Call her tonight”

51. Leave a coupon in his mailbox that says “buy one dinner, get one free, when you go out with Natalie.”

52. Leave a coupon in his mailbox that says “good for one date with Natalie”

53. Bake a cake and put as many candles as he is old in it. Light them. Open the door of one of the classes he’s in and start singing happy birthday. When he blows out the candles say “yes! I will go out with you. See, wishes do come true!”

54. Get some trained dogs to stand in front of his car or house and growl so he can’t get in. Come up from behind him and say “I’ll handle this” and shoo the dogs away. He’ll be grateful and probably offer money. Don’t take the money, instead say, all the payment I need is to have you join me for dinner tonight.

54. Take a Polaroid of your naked body. At the bottom write “one day, all of this could be yours”

55. Break your arm. Get him to sign your cast. When he’s done, say “I’d like you to go out with me, but I’m afraid you’ll discriminate against me because I’m disabled.”

55. Break your arm. Get him to sign your cast. When he’s done say, “you forgot your phone number. I’m going to need that when I ask you out”

56. Put 2 razorblades in an envelope with a note that says “I’ve got plenty more just like these if you won’t go out with me”

57. Put a dagger in an envelope with a note that says “I’m asking you out, either call me and say yes, or just jab this into my heart.”

58. Carve his name into your arm and make a print of it onto paper. Put it into an envelope along with a photo of your arm and a note that says “I like you so much it’s SCAR-RY”

59. Bump into him and faint into his arms then say “I need you to give me mouth to mouth”

60. Come up to him and say “I’m going to a movie on Friday, would you like to join me?”

61. Follow him to a clothing store. Steal a nametag and ask him “hey, can I help you find anything? I’ve got something right here that I’m pretty sure will fit you” (point to vagina)

62. Run into him and ask if he has any math homework. Then say “because I could really help you; first with addition and later, if you’re interested, with multiplication. Let’s go someplace a little more comfortable and discuss angles and positions.”

63. See him from across the street and say “Hey Jesse!” to get his attention. Then run across the street to him and say “hey Jesse, why did the chicken cross the road? Because she finally got up the courage to ask you out.”

64. Get a set of encyclopedias. Go to Jesse’s house and say “I’m prepared to sell you this set of encyclopedias for _____ (the cost of the encyclopedias or just a little less) plus a date with me. If he says he doesn’t want the encyclopedias, try a harder sell.

65. Get dressed up in a sexy negligee. Go to his house with a boom box and say “Jesse, you have been given a strip gift from anonymous” Give him a strip show and at the end say “Hey Jesse, I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m anonymous”

66. Steal his planner and replace it with an identical planner that only says “ask out Natalie” don’t forget to include your phone number and other personal information on the “emergency numbers” page.

67. Get some big guys to blindfold, tie-up and kidnap Jesse in the trunk of their car. Have them take the car to the beach or another romantic spot. Stage the following: The guys grunting and talking in a manner that suggests drug ties and mob action. Come over to them and say “Hey guys, what’s in the trunk?” they they’ll say “get her” make some karate-type sounds (Hai-ya! For example) and some punching and kicking sounds. Then say “get out of here or I’ll kill you” They’ll stagger off swearing because you hurt them. Open the trunk and say “let’s get you out of here.” Then, while he’s collecting himself suggest you two take a walk to calm down. While waking say “hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Will you go out with me?”

68. Around dinner time say “Hey Jesse, want to get some chow?”

69. Call him and say “Hey Jesse, I just called to Chow the fat. I’m just kidding, you’re not actually fat. In fact you’re really attractive. Would you like to go on a date?”

70. Send flowers with a note that says “Jesse, thanks for everything. I’ll call you later and we can go out.”

71. The next time you’re at a football game and Jesse is there, get the marching band to play “I wish that I had Jesse’s Girl” Then have them all sing the chorus, “She wishes she were Jesse’s girl” then come up form behind him and say “I’m the ‘she’”

72. Make a sizable donation to a charity in his name. Have the organization send him a note that says “a donation has been made in your name to our charity. Now return the charitable deed and ask out Natalie.”

73. Call his dad and ask for Jesse’s hand in marriage.

74. Contact a guy in Vegas who does marriages. Have him send Jesse a note that says “Congratulations on your marriage to Natalie! Don’t forget to tell your friends about our organization!”

75. Wait for Jesse to throw a party. Dress up as a cop and knock at the door. Have Jesse come out “to talk about the noise” then handcuff him and tell him he has a right to remain silent until you finish asking him out. When he says “yes” he’s free to go.

76. Get an acoustic guitar or a small grunge-style band together. Wait outside one of his classes and when you see him begin singing “date me” to Nirvana’s “rape me” song.

77. Find out what he likes better-whipped cream, cool whip, sour cream or mayonnaise. Cover your naked body with it and knock on his door.

78, Find out what grocery store he frequents. On a day when you know he’ll be shopping, get all of the check-out people to wear stickers/pins on their fronts that say “have you asked out Natalie today?”

79. Make friends with the guy who stocks vending machines on campus. Have him stock Jesse’s favorite beverage, only put a little sticker on each can/bottle that says “hey Jesse Chow, will you go out with Natalie?” Then serve potato chips and popcorn to his classes.

80. Get a lawn gnome and put a little note on it that says “Natalie wants to go digging in the dirt with you” put the gnome on his car.

81. Go to one of his classes and act like you’re in it. Write a note that says “Jesse, would you go out with Natalie? Check the appropriate box (have a yes box and a no box) Please return to sender.” Fold it up “football-style” and pass it to him.

82. Work it out with a friend that when you see Jesse in the cafeteria, you’ll stand in the path that Jesse walks. The friend will trip him and say “hey, looks like Jesse’s FALLING for Natalie.” Then say “Jesse, I’m so flattered, yes! I will go out with you!”

83. Forget your headphones at the sound department where he works. Go back in and say “Hey Jesse, when do you get off work? I’ll pick you up.”

84. Have your housemate call him and say “Jesse? You know Natalie? I was wondering if you could do me a favor. We need to get Natalie out of the house for a little while, we were wondering if you could swing by and pick her up and take her out for a little while. Thanks.

85. Call Jesse and say “Have you read the news today? Did you catch the article that said there’s an ensuing Asian Invasion into Natalie’s heart. Go out with me.”

86. Rent a billboard near where Jesse lives/drives past and write on it “Jesse, go out with Natalie”

87. Make friends with an FBI agent. Have the FBI tap Jesse’s phone and give you a print out of all his calls. If he makes any calls to escort services or party/phone sex lines, have them redirected to your house. Develop a phone sex relationship with him and escalate it so eventually you go over to his house to help out.

88. Push Jesse down a steep hill and say “oh my sweet Jesse, what have I done?” Then throw yourself down the hill after him. At the bottom, when he asks you if you can move, say to him “you’re alive! If you want, I can fly!” Then say “go out with me”

89. Go into the boys bathroom. Ball up wet toilet paper and throw it so it sticks onto the ceiling in a formation that reads “Jesse, go out with Natalie”

90. Break into Jesse’s house. Find where he keeps a “to do” list or where he hangs his post-it notes. On the “to do” list, or a post-it note, write “Call Natalie for a date” and put it with the others.

91. Break into Jesse’s house. Lick the rims of all his glasses. Leave a note on his computer that says “hey Jesse, I licked all your cups so that when you take a drink it’s like we’re kissing. I’d like to kiss you for real. Call me.”

92. Break into his house. Change his answering machine’s outgoing message to say “Jesse’s not here, he’s most likely making love to his new girlfriend, Natalie. You might want to try her house” leave your phone number.

93. Call his parents and explain the situation, then say how great you are and give all your references. Then ask them if they’ll tell their son to go out with you.

94. Make him a love song mix tape using subliminal message recording technology. Have the subliminal message be “ask Natalie out, love her, make love to her.” leave it in his mailbox with a note that says, “From, anonymous.” See what happens.

95. Try reverse psychology. Buy him a care bear with a note that reads “I ‘bear’ly care for you, so you better not ask me out-got it? Just get that idea out of your head right now. You are NOT going to ask me out, because I am not interested. Love, Natalie”

96. Go to his apartment in the middle of the night. Buzz his room. When he answers, say “Jesse, I’m having an emergency. I need your help. It’s not life and death, but I need your assistance.” Make up a story about how you need him to drive with you to get your friend’s car and drive with it back to your apartment. Invite him in. Try to make love to him.

97. Go up to Jesse. Ask if he’s gay. If he says “no” say “great, when can we go out?”

98. Go up to Jesse. Ask if he’s married. If he says “no” say “are you gay?” if he says “no” say “great, when can we go out?”

99. Get really drunk, go up to Jesse and tell him how you feel. Tell him you need him to take you home. To his home.

100. Get your friend to write 101 ways to ask out Jesse Chow. Send him the book.

101. Punch him in the balls, and then say “I can fix that with kisses.”

After I wrote 101 ways to ask out Jesse Chow, Natalie still hadn't asked him out. So I said I bet I could write 101 ways to break up with Jesse Chow. I didn't actually finish before Natalie discovered Jesse had recently been asked out by a rival girl.
Many of the break-up options end with Jesse saying "Are We Breaking Up?" I've abbreviated this to "A.W.B.U."

Here are 101 Ways to Break Up with Jesse Chow.

1. Stop talking to him.

2. Stop responding when he talks to you.

3. Begin referring to him in conversation as “Jessie Chow, my ex-boyfriend”

4. At a restaurant wait until there’s a lull in conversations and throw wine in his face and say “That’s it, we’re over” then storm out.

5. Pray to god that he leaves you alone

6. Pray to god that he breaks up with you first

7. Write him a poem that goes “roses are red, violets are blue, this poem’s about me breaking up with you

8. Sleep with another guy

9. Sleep with his friend

10. Sleep with his brother

11. Sleep with his dad

12. Sleep with his mom

13. Kill his dog. With the blood write “this was not an accident”

14. Leave him a note made by mix-matched words and letters from magazines or newspapers that reads “Break up with your girlfriend or you and your family will be killed.

15. Key his car every time he picks you up and laugh after/before you do it.

16. Go tanning. Have a friend write in masking tape “I am single” on your back. Take off the masking tape when you’re dark enough so that the words remain. Wear a lot of backless garments when you’re together. AWBU?

17. Send back all the things he ever gave you. He’ll say “are we breaking up?” yes.

18. Invite him over. Put on a puppet show where the two characters have your names and do things you do and then at the end have a scene where you break up. AWBU?

19. When speaking to him, only condescend.

20. Go over to his house. Shit on the floor.

21. Call his mom. Tell her you cheated on her son and you’re really sorry and you respect her and then ask her to break it to Jesse for you.

22. Call him up. Say “Hey Jesse, we’ve had some great times, but I’m just not feeling it, you know?” AWBU?

23. Buy a new car, move to a new city. Don’t tell him

24. Offer to put his money into stocks. Put into bad stocks. Tell him you can’t date someone who can’t support you financially.

25. Tell him you’re gay.

26. Ask him if he’s gay. If he says yes-golden. If he says no, look confused and say, “Then why are you acting like this? Look, I’m tired of living a lie.” AWBU?

27. Tell him you “need a break (up).”

28. Get him drunk. Invite over some friends to seduce him. Next day, say “I know what happened last night, we’re over”

29. Buy a dress that is not flattering for you. Ask him if he thinks it makes you look fat. If he says no, accuse him of lying if he says yes tell him he’s a bastard. Then say “I’m tired of your lies/cruelty. We’re over”

30. Invite him over for a snack. Fill the snacks with glue. See what happens.

31. Invite him over. Give him a massage, a hot bath and a good lay. As you’re waking up the next day say “Thank you for the good times, Jesse. I care for you, but I need to move on.

32. Get a bucket of rocks. When he comes over stand in your doorway and throw the rocks at him saying “get off my land!”

33. Get a restraining order against him

34. Get a dog. Teach it to attack Jesse.

35. Join a cult. Tell Jesse you no longer need him, the cult is your everything.

36. Buy him a nice new pair of shoes. Give them to him and say “I got these for you to walk out my door on your new journey; the one without me.

37. Find a girl you know he is attracted to and is attracted to him. Invite them both over. Have them seated on the couch together. Say to Jesse, “I don’t want to be with you anymore. This girl is here to console you. I’m going to go out for an hour, I expect you guys out of here by the time I get back. Thanks.”

38. Start dressing as a man. Come up to him one day and say “Ya know, friend, I’m not into you anymore. I’m into me.”

39. Open your own business-as an escort.

40. Refuse sex unless it means a strap-on in his ass.

41. Tell him you’re joining a monastery.

42. Get a sex change.

43. Leave him a note in blood that says “We’re not together anymore”

44. Send him a singing telegram, have the singer sing “Breaking up is hard to do.”

45. Tell his co-worker to tell him that you’re having second thoughts.

46. Send him an email. Subject: you’re my ex-boyfriend now. Body: as of today.

47. Send him flowers at work with a note that says “act happy, we’re breaking up right now and you don’t want anyone to think anything is wrong.”

48. Call him up and say “so, asshole, I heard about everything. We’re over. Just forget it. I don’t want to hear your excuses, in fact, I don’t want to hear your ugly face again.

49. Buy a gun. Invite him over. Tell him you have something to show him. Point the gun at him and say “turn around and walk out my door and never come back in.”

50. Buy a gun. Invite him over. Tell him you want to show him something. Get the gun, point it at his face and say “turn around and walk out my door and never come back in.” Then laugh, put the gun down and say ‘I was just kidding. I’m not really threatening you with a gun. But seriously, we are breaking up.”

51. Invite him over for a movie. Instead of a couch, watch the move on two wooden kitchen chairs. After the movie (or during) he may want to cuddle or have sex. Simply say “You stay on your chair, and I’ll stay on mine.” Then tell him that this is a metaphor for your lives right now. They are separate, wooden, and fine on their own. Then offer him the chair as a token of your appreciation on his way out.

52. Stop having sex or being affectionate with him. AWBU?

53. Get someone to mess up his house i.e. steal all his stuff, so he doesn’t feel safe. When he asks to stay with you say “You’re on your own, buddy. C’mon, be a man. I don’t think I can be with someone so weak.

54. Put pests in his house so it has to get fumigated. When he asks to stay at your place, say “Eeww, I don’t want you in my house. You’re filled with pests.”

55. Go out with his family. Stand on the table and pee. Then skip out. He won’t call you.

56. Don’t like anything he does and make sure you tell him every time. AWBU?

57. Use his toothbrush to clean your toilet.

58. Exclusively rent movies about unrequited love, breaking up and death of a significant other. Watch one or more movies every night for a week to a month. Always say “great movie” at the end. He’ll say “depressing.” You say “freeing.” AWBU?

59. Call him up and say “We have to talk” he’ll say “What’s up” you say “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

60. Tell him you had a dream last night where the two of you broke up and it felt so good and relieving. Mention you were friends afterward and you occasionally (once every 2-4 weeks) hung out. Then say I think it was an omen. He’ll say “Do you want to break-up?” you say “yes.”

61. Find a new guy to have a crush on. Ask the new guy out on a date. Tell Jesse how much of a crush you have on this guy and how excited you are for the date you asked him out on. AWBU? Yes. He may say “I’m not comfortable with this.” you say “Get comfortable.”

62. Tell Jesse you’re been doing a lot of thinking lately and you feel like it’s time for you to start seeing other people and stop seeing each other.

63. Ask Jesse if he enjoys being with you. Ask him how much it’s worth to him. Offer to buy him out.

64. Start seeing a counselor. Invite Jesse into a session. Tell the counselor you want to break up with Jesse but you aren’t sure how to do it. AWBU?

65. Ask Jesse if he were you, how would he go about breaking up with himself.

66. Go to an out of town biker bar with Jesse. When inside tell him you forgot your bag/purse/money/tampons in the car. Send him to the abandoned parking lot to get the item. Have the bikers go out to the parking lot and rough him up a little. When he comes back in and wants to leave, tell him you want to stay - these are your people.

67. Invite him over for a make-out session. Turn out the lights, shut the door and tell him “we have to talk.” sigh and say “God this is hard. I don’t know how to tell you this…” AWBU?

68. Ask him to write a sad melody and when he’s done it, you’ll add the lyrics. The chorus should go something like, “I’m sorry, Jesse Chow, but it’s just not working out.” the verses should be about specific events/qualities that added up to this break-up. The bridge should contain the word “inevitable.”

69. Buy a fake glass of brandy that looks like it has brandy in it, but it’s fake. Trick him into saying something offensive about your weight for example then throw the brandy in his face. When he realizes what happened and starts laughing scream “Stop laughing at me!” storm out. When he calls after you, tell him you’re tired of his abuse and you’re breaking free.

70. After a date say “Phew, I’m exhausted. I’m going to turn in early.” when he calls the next day, don’t have time to talk to him. After a little while of not picking up when he calls pick up and say “Yeah, I’ve been pretty busy doing stuff, you know. So, I need a little more me time in my day for stuff - stuff that doesn't include you.

71. Tell him you learned how to make soft pretzels. Form one into a sentence that reads “I’m leaving you.”

72. One day casually say “You look like you’ve put on some weight.” mention his huge ass at least once a week. During missionary positioned sex, complain of not being able to breathe due to his girth. When he suggests going out to dinner, laugh or get really nervous and suggest you stay in again. While you destroy his self image and esteem, pass out pictures of him to women you meet at bars or friends of friends and ask if they think he’s attractive. Begin regularly calling him “fat man Caruthers” “fat jacks” and “barge.” If he hasn’t broken up with you at this point, set up a light lunch with one of the women who thought he was attractive. 15 minutes or so before the lunch tell them you can’t make it, but to go ahead without you. Tell the woman he’s your single friend and is sort of insecure, so she should mention how attractive he is. Suggest she ask him out if she’s interested. He’ll break up with you.

73. Steal all his laundry detergent so he has to wash his clothes in water only. Complain of the stench. Stop coming over to his house (except to steal/contaminate detergent) begin calling him “stink nack paddy wack” “stink bug” “pew grant” or “pew heffner” “sir stinks lot” “princess dipewna” call his decorating style “stinkadelic” suggest his favorite color is “pewce” after a week, tell him you just can’t stand the smell and you have to move on to greener, fresher, lemon scented pastures with no cow shit in them.

74. Call him and say “Buddy, I don’t know what I was thinking asking you out. This is so obviously not working.”

75. Put his money into bad stocks. Tell him you can’t be with someone who can’t handle his fiscal affairs himself.

76. Put his money into bad stocks. Tell him he never should have trusted you

77. Beg him to tell you his deepest secret. Right in the middle of him telling you say that you can’t be trusted and he should just stop right there because you’ll write letters to his family and friends and include that piece of information. Then get your coat and say “we need to stop this charade.” Pronounce it “shar-aad”.

78. Beg him to tell you his most embarrassing moment, then say “boy you ARE embarrassing. I’m out of here, bozo.”

79. Send him flowers at work with a note that says “Sorry to hear about your recent break-up. These things happen for a reason, like that you aren‘t meant to be together.”

80. Buy a gun. Invite him over. Answer the door wearing an old nightgown with a bear on the front and old cheerios stuck in it. Have make-up running down your face. Have the gun on a string around your neck. Say “Jesse, (be crying) you don’t want to have a crazy girlfriend, right? Because that’s what I am - crazy, and I’m going to kill you and/or me if you don’t break up with me right now.” Then shriek “I’M NOT SHITTING YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I KILL US BOTH!! I‘M NOT HAPPY!! I‘M NOT HAPPY!!”

81. Break your spine. While in the hospital tell Jesse that he did this to you and no amount of apologizing will ever make it go away. The best thing he can do is leave the room and let you heal in peace.

82. Break your spine. While in the hospital say to Jesse that he deserves more than someone who might end up a paraplegic and that you are setting him free.

83. Stand outside his window with a boom box over your head playing “If you love someone set them free.” by the Police.

84. Put roofies in Jesse’s alcoholic beverage. Leave him at the bar. See what happens. He'll probably break up with you.

85. Throw yourself a birthday party, but don’t tell him about it. Then when he finds out and asks you about it say “I just need some time with my other friends. By the way, we’re just friends.”

86. Invite him over. Tell him to take off his shoes. Rub his feet. While you rub his feet say “I bet this feels good, doesn’t it, just takes a load off, right? If we were to break up it would be like you giving me the best food rub ever.”

87. When he tries to kiss you say “Ewww, I don’t kiss relatives.”

88. Give him a lifejacket. When he asks what's the occasion, say "Well, it's pretty obvious this boat is sinking."

89. Put a personal ad in the newspaper for him that reads “newly dumped guy seeking nice girl for LTR or fling. Contact Jesse Chow.” Include his phone #

90. Call him up, say “This is the break-up call” then hang up immediately.

91. Wait until he has a dental appointment. Arrange with the DDS’s hygienist to let you do the cleaning. Put on a mask and dark goggles so he doesn’t know it’s you. Disguise your voice. As he’s sitting in the chair and you’re examining his teeth, say to him “so, I heard your girlfriend wants to break up with you.” Because his mouth is full of your fingers, you’ll have ample opportunity to go into a long third person monologue about the reasons to break up, and if you’re feeling guilty etc etc.

92. Wait until he has a dental appointment. While in the role of the hygienist, start trash talking his “girlfriend”. As he tries to defend “her” let him know all the reasons “she” wants to break up with him. Tell him that he should just break up with her first, and don’t give her the satisfaction of being the one calling the shots. Then tell him which of the hygienists in the office are single and ask if you can give them his number.

93. Get some red paint. Paint on the side of his house “SINGLE GUY LIVES HERE”.

94. Get some shaving cream or spray snow. Spray on his windshield “for sale, so to speak, not the car, the guy. I’m single and looking!” include his phone number.

95. Put an ad on craigslist. Leave the phone number to his house so the guys will call there looking for you. AWBU?

96. Shave your head, get dressed up in a camouflage outfit, include face paint. Do a reconnaissance mission to get your stuff back

97. Everytime you see him kick him in the balls. If he asks why, just say “felt like it.” He’ll break up with you.

98. Tell him you’re pregnant with another man’s child. When he offers to help you raise it tell him it was a lie and you just want out.

99. Next time he leaves town for the weekend, have a big party at his house, even though he told you not to. Have the guests break all the neighbor’s windows. He’ll break up with you.

100. Start stealing from him. When he asks for things back, say “Those things are mine. You took part of my life away, the least you can do is give me your microwave.”

101. Give him a hug. While you’re embracing start to cry. When he asks what’s wrong say “We had some good times. I really respect you and like you, and this is really difficult, but I’ve decided I need to stop seeing you. I am crying because I’m afraid you’ll hate me.” He may hate you, but he’ll have to accept that it’s over.