Zoe's New York: The Friendly And The Absurd by Zoe

March 5, 2006 9:15 AM Permalink

This is the Statue of Zoerty, which you can see (naturally) at the port to my neighborhood. Because anyone can give you a tour of New York's basic wonders. But only I can show you my neighborhood the way it deserves to be shown, with the love and affection of one of the neighbors. Here's the only thing: My area of Manhattan is one of the few without a name. I live in a bit of a nowhere's land between the East Village and Gramercy Park. Our main attraction? Union Square. For that reason, I have named my neighborhood USA, or Union Square Area. So this tour? Was made in the USA. (Cue marching band with drums and tubas.)

First, let's see why there won't be exciting video footage, but rather endearing and wonderful photographs:

View this clip on Vimeo

Like a true hostess, I'll be giving up my bed to Mike and Steve.

Which leads to the first topic on our tour: Real Estate. My Manhattan apartment, although comfortable and adorable, is 350 square feet--and yet still considered a great catch. However, during my illustrious guests' stay in Zoe's New York, I will have to sleep here, in Union Square, where there will be actual room for me. (I will hope the remnants of last month's blizzard have melted by now. Because...brrrrr.)

And of course, every tour given by a true New Yorker must include their piece of dream real estate. Because we all know which building we'd live in if we had the money. For me, it's this pre-War beauty just down the block:

As we travel west of Zoe's Dream Building, we find Union Square, which first opened to the public on July 19th, 1839, and since then has been a prime gathering place for political demonstrations, residential wonders, and every imaginable type of commerce. In April, the daffodils bloom, and everything is cheery yellow and green. In early March? You get this:

But don't go telling us New Yorkers that this isn't a park. Because it so totally is. And so I present the beautiful Union Square Park. (Remember, we are getting daffodils, people.)

Here, too, is the public art that most New Yorkers associate with Union Square. We all know it was created by Someone at Some Date. Also? The numbers mean Something. And at Some Point in the day, smoke blows out of that hole in the center of the goldness. If any New Yorker tells you they know more about this art? They are lying.

Still, any old person can show you Union Square. What they can't show you? Is the people in our environs--and that's what makes my neighborhood special. See, although USA is one of the more commercial neighborhoods in Manhattan, we have no giant Wal-Mart. No malls to speak of. In fact, even the chains become like Mom and Pop stores because the people there? That's who your neighbors are. So let's meet a few of mine, shall we?

You think we don't have farmers here? Mmm, think again homey. The Union Square Greenmarket is the city's most famous. You can find the Sprout Guys here every Saturday:

My local Sephora? It's like a girls-only slumber party every time you cross the threshold. See, Mike and Steve? Without me, you'd be kicked to the curb. But my girls will let you in:

Buying a refrigerator is a cold and impersonal process for you? Not in the USA! My local PC Richards appliance expert, Nathan, was thrilled to be photographed for this here tour--after he found out I wasn't from America's Most Wanted.

While you may have your CVS, your Rite-Aid, or your Walgreens, here in the City, Duane Reade is the king of all drugstores. At last count, there were 5,480,639 Duane Reades in NYC. This is my local branch. See? Even buying toothpaste is a neighborhood activity. Couldn't leave the 'Reade without saying hi to Assistant Manager Hipolito.

See how friendly we are? Why wouldn't you want to come visit? But folks? You ain't seen nothing yet. Because Zoe's New York is also the center of all things fantastic and absurd. For instance, does your town have a Ukranian Sport Club? And how do you spell Wrapp? I bet it's with one p, unlike us savvy New Yorkers.

But for the best absurdity, we'll have to travel to my work neighborhood, in midtown--just above the renowned Theater District. Anyone can show you the famous Stage or Carnegie Delis. But only I can lead you to the only cafe in America owned by a cat:

Now, my friends, we head to Zoe's New York Tour's piece de resistance. Turn on the TV or go to the movies, and odds are you'll see New York's famous sky-scraping office buildings rising like weird and wonderful statues in the background. But do the cameras take you inside? I'm gonna think not. And so here, I'll let you in on the secrets of New York office life. You didn't know our offices were enchanted, did you? But they are. Ohhhh, but they are. For instance--as you'll see here--in a New York office building, money becomes bigger. Like, super big. We hire little copper imps to move it around for us.

But look closer, upstairs on the 22nd floor, and you'll see our office workers. In my office neighborhood? All the work is done by little magical gnomes. Don't believe me? Here's Elbert, getting ready to help us move offices (one floor up) next week:

And meet Gus, our mailroom gnome. He's all over that Interoffice & Outgoing Mail inbox like white on rice.

Finally, don't forget Chester, the gnome manager. Nothing escapes his steely gnome gaze.

Now, boys, to end the tour, I'll show you the greatest secret of New York. Nobody knows this but my work colleagues. You can't create these kind of secrets even in fiction. My New York office? Is the home of Moses's famous staff. Yes, THAT staff. We're getting biblical on your ass. About to miss a deadline? One zap with the staff and it's pushed back. No more coffee in the office kitchen? Now there is! Need to turn your boss into a flying squirrel? Easy peasy as long as you've got the staff.

Did you enjoy your tour? I'm hoping you learned something and that you're itching to return. Because Zoe's New York welcomes all visitors, and I can't wait to see you come round again. Wait, did you feel that? Did you just shift in your seat? Because baby, you've just been parted like the Red Sea. New York style.

The End!

By: Zoe | Challenge 02 | March 5, 2006

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