Oh Vancouvertown, so fair and so lovely! by Thom

March 5, 2006 1:52 AM Permalink

Vancouver! Say it loud it's bells ringing, say it quiet it's angels singing. Jewel of the Pacific Northwest we call it, and then click our heels at the great fortune which brought us here!

In Vancouvertown, the children laugh and play with gay abandon! No one ever grows old! We bake our cakes in ovens and fling them into the streets so immense is our joy!

- excerpted from "Vancouver: Our Perfect Home, 1912"

Most people living in the English-speaking world know something about Vancouver. Its world-class ski resorts. Its incredible variety of ethnic cuisine. That it has more Starbucks per capita than even Seattle - including two directly opposite each other.

But there are probably many things you don't know about Vancouver.

Vancouver: A Brief History

Vancouver was named after Captain George Vancouver, who did not set foot in the area which now bears his name. Instead he sailed past it on a search for the legendary antarctic continent and ended up somewhere in California where he retired to raise emus.

In the late 1800's many Chinese people, or Chinamen as they were then called, were brought into the area to complete the railroad. Once here they were blown up to make the foundation for the tracks, although some were kept as part of a secret government assassin project.

In 1922, having completed the railroad many years before, the government of Canada passed the Chinese Exclusion Act restricting Chinese immigration to martial artists. Eventually more had to be let in as the nation's laundromats fell into disrepair.

This colourful part of our history can still be experienced in Chinatown, a theme park maintained in the poorest neighbourhood in Canada as a social welfare project. Many of the areas homeless people are employed to act as homeless people, giving the park its authentic character. Korean students on language exchange often find work in Chinatown as storekeepers - they are usually indistinguishable from the real thing! Most tourists are shocked when they find out entrance to the park is absolutely free.

Vancouver: Here and Beyond

The eggs of Vancouver's future have all been placed in one basket - the 2010 Olympic Winter Games. Apparently this city was on the brink of complete disaster before we landed them.

As the world prepares to arrive on our doorstep--this from the official literature--one Vancouver attraction will quickly take centre stage. For those who come to Vancouver looking for cheap sushi and clean air, you will certainly find them. But if you come to Vancouvertown and are caught, as the British say, short, then this helpful guide will carry you through.

Public Toilets

This is the only public toilet in all of downtown Vancouver. That is to say, it is the only one not on private property. It is located at a memorial for First and Second World War veterans, where presumably people will congregate to go to the bathroom. It is a block away from what is statistically the poorest block in Canada - 100 West Hastings.

I thought it was odd that there would only be one public toilet, so I set out to find an answer at the Ministry of Public Toilets. After several phone calls and one Vietnamese sub I was quietly but firmly informed that there was no Ministry for Public Toilets, a rather startling oversight on the part of my city. I did manage to talk to a lawyer for the Attorney General's Office, who agreed to go on record if I bought her a coffee - which should tell you what public servants make in Canada.

View this clip on Vimeo

So what is a tourist to do? If you don't want to purchase something or sit down to eat, your options are a little limited.

Vancouver Art Gallery

The Vancouver Art Gallery is home to the world's largest collection of forgettable art. It once housed a million pennies scattered on the floor. It also has a very nice washroom in which people sometimes bathe. It's central location in the heart of downtown makes it a favourite with the locals.

Art + Soul Gallery

If it wasn't for art galleries I'd probably never venture downtown, so fearful would I be of an imminent bladder emergency. This gallery is attached to a hotel, so it's bathroom is especially nice. The art's not bad either.

Of course, if you're really in trouble simply hail a cab and have him drive you to 288 East 8th. Buzz our number and I'll let you use mine. For a nominal fee. (Hey, toilet paper is expensive).

By: Thom | Challenge 02 | March 5, 2006

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