Queer Eye for the Lost Guy by Zoe

February 27, 2006 8:40 PM Permalink

Lost things just keep getting better.

In what would be a revolutionary union between two networks, I’d like to pitch to you an idea for the ultimate Queer Eye challenge: Take a group of men who have been trapped on a deserted, monster-terrorized island—where fierce bearded men might snatch them up at any second!—and clean them up with a Fab Five makeover so they can be rescued (or eaten) in style.

Carson: "Sawyer seems like a job for me! Look at him, all rough and tumble, like a pirate. Careful, Sawyer, or I might just steal your booty!" For Sawyer, Carson will need to go dark, like the heart of a scoundrel. He'll custom make 4 black t-shirts to go with a pair of vintage-wash jeans and some sturdy, steel-toe boots. Perfect for kicking boar ass...and for charming a certain Freckles.

Kyan: "We've got some major island feet here. But if I mash up these guava seeds with some boar fat, it'll make a perfect exfoliant!" Kyan will tend to Sayid. Although he won't cut his hair Republican-Guard-short, he'll make sure to trim away all those dead ends that split with grief when Shannon died. Also? That boy needs a manicure! Torture tools do nothing for the nails. I bet 8 of Sayid's are already cracked.

Ted: "Locke, you have got some great knives here. Perfect for slicing fruit thin enough to garnish a drink or a fruit cocktail." Under Ted's auspices, Locke will prepare a romantic dinner for Sun and Jin, so she can practice disobeying him as she wantonly opens her top shirt button. Those two love birds haven't had 15 minutes alone together in over a month!

Thom: "I'm liking this hatch thing, but I'm thinking it looks a bit dated. Let's get rid of these bookcases and install decorative, freestanding shelves where you can display your artwork. And while we're at it, let's transfer this spliced film here to video." With the help of Jack and Charlie, Thom will create a hatch aesthetic comfortable enough for both high-flying surgeons and hobbitesque smack addicts. Although he'll be a bit disappointed when he finds out "Driveshaft" is just a band name, he'll make sure to frame one of their posters for a personal touch. The all-new doomsday-machine iMac will be surrounded by 16 votive candles.

Jai: "Hurley, you're a big guy, but anyone who knows you can see the warmth in your eyes. That's why you've got to make eye contact with Libby. Make sure you look into her eyes so she knows you're paying attention only to her." With Jai's help, Hurley will find the perfect gift for Tailaway Libby. He'll offer her a lush polar bear rug upon which they can lie on the beach and watch the sunset. Or, at least, Libby can watch the sunset, and Hurley can look into her eyes. They'll feel like young 23-year-olds again.

Finally, Jai will choreograph a traditional island dance for the featured Lostaways, leading them in a 42-minute native extravaganza that reenacts the fleeing from a tree-rattling mystery monster. And as Carson would say, "not the one in my pants!"

By: Zoe | Challenge 01 | February 27, 2006

Comments: