CHALLENGE 1: ERIC FILIPKOWSKI'S PITCH by Eric

February 27, 2006 5:40 PM Permalink

Well since I’m from Hollywood and I know famous people, unlike you rubes (just kidding!), I know that the first rule of pitching anything is that you bring 9 other pitches with you because nobody is gonna like the first one. Not only that, the one they’ll probably end up liking is the stupid one you threw in as a joke and thought nobody would like in a million years. So, that said, here are ten wicked stupid pitches.

Jesus Watch 2006 (TV) – Jesus can come back at any minute. It’s in the Bible, I’m not making this shit up. So why not put a video camera in the coffin of everyone who dies and each week you show a “best of” highlight reel to see if any of the corpses come back to life. That way, if someone does come back to life, we’ll know it’s Jesus and we’ll have proof. That way, all those whiny Jews and Muslims will shut the hell up.

Ultimate Archaeology Pranks Gone Wild! (TV) – The first ever archaeology-based prank show, where we go out in the desert and bury some walrus bones so that thousands of years from now, scientists will dig them up and make all sorts of faulty theories about the oceans receding or whatever. Also, there will be robots.

Kids Get the Darndest Head Injuries (TV) – Pretty self-explanatory. Video of kids getting hurt, set to a comical soundtrack. This shit just writes itself.

The Smells Like Shit Candle (PRODUCT) – A candle that smells like shit. You might say, “Why would I want a candle that smells like shit, candles are supposed to smell nice?” Exactly. You can stick this candle in your bathroom and then when people take a shit and try to cover up the smell with the candle, it will just make it smell worse. This would be aimed at people who hate people who are dishonest. Plus, it would be orange and say “Orange Blossom Summer” on the label or something like that to trick people. Also, it would be one of those “trick candles” that won’t go out ever, so they couldn’t just blow it out.

The National Haiku Championships (TV) – I don’t know if these actually exist. That’s not what my pitch is about. If there is no National Haiku Championship, disregard this entry. That’s not what I’m pitching. What I’m pitching is that if this does exist, it should be televised. Like you could show all the contestants and send video crews out to their houses to interview their friends and family before the competition and then maybe even follow some of the more colorful characters on their journey. This could be interspersed with the heated competition, which I guess would be like the entrants getting a topic and having to come up with a haiku based on that topic in a certain, set amount of time? I’m not sure. Like I said, I’m not pitching that so it’s really no concern of mine.

The Fake Cheesy Car Stereo Decoy Invention (PRODUCT) – Everyone nowadays has high-end, removable face plate cassette decks in their cars, right? Well, you can remove the faceplate, but that leaves the whole guts of the cassette deck just sitting there in plain view for criminals to see. A smart criminal would go, “Hmm, if they removed the face plate from that cassette deck, it must be a really nice one. I should steal it and then just get a face plate from somewhere else and I’ll have an awesome car stereo to sell or use myself. You know what? It’s probably so awesome, I’ll want to keep it for myself. Yes, that’s what I’ll do.” Of course, this is all based on the assumption that this is even possible, who knows. So ANYWAY, my invention is a fake cheesy AM radio faceplate that you slip onto the empty slot so it looks like your radio is a piece of shit that nobody would want to steal unless they were really into irony and criminals don’t have time for that.

Jody Bennett: Mediocre Street Magician (TV) – If you’re like me, you hate magic. And more than hating magic, you hate magicians. Magicians are all lonely, sociopathic rejects who are unable to deal with reality and human beings. They have basically taken their disorder and used it to their advantage in the form of this “skill” which they employ to win friends and impress women. Some might applaud them for taking lemons and making lemonaid, but I do not. If you’ve ever watched that David Blaine bullshit on TV, you probably sat there, stewing with anger and hoping he would get beaten up by one of the spectators. He probably didn’t get beaten up because he’s actually a good magician, but if he sucked, or was just “OK”, things might be different. Enter Jody Bennett: Mediocre Street Magician. He’s my friend and I honestly have no clue if he even knows any magic tricks. All I know is, you put him in a top hat and give him a cape and a magic wand and people will beat him up.

Time Travel Game Show (TV) – Invent a time machine so that you can bring back people from the past who have the same name as awful celebrities from today. Then the contestants vote on which time traveler is going to feel worse when they find out what their namesake has been up to. For example: DeForrest Kelley vs. Paris Hilton.

Date My Gay Dad (TV) – Just like “Date My Mom”, except the guy has to go on a date with the girl’s gay dad. The dates will be very “gay-oriented”. As a special treat, the guys who are on the show won’t be aware they are going on a date with the girl’s gay father until the actual date starts.

Der Monkees (TV) – A show that asks the question, “What if the Nazis had won the war and 21 years later an enterprising producer decided to create a television show based around a fake band to appeal to teenage girls?” The answer? It would pretty much be the exact same thing as the regular show, except all the band members would be blonde.

Well, those are my ideas, I hope you like them. And if you’re a big shot Hollywood producer, remember: I’m 30, but I can play 25.

By: Eric | Challenge 01 | February 27, 2006

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