Challenge 01--Better Than Vanilla, by S.G. Pierce by SG Pierce

February 28, 2006 10:50 AM Permalink

     Oh, the Fun Center!! What words can describe the aroma of a fume so persistent, so smelly, so pervasive? To walk through a cavalcade of rides and pitches, ponies and pennies, bumpercars, tents, and navy, navy, navy, and see but not smell curly fries and popcorn, cotton candy nor a cob of corn, every molecule of acre after acre of air sucked through a funnel of industrial rot, sulfuric and breathy through nostrils that could not be forgot. NO!! I will not pitch sand to fix mud!! (Not sand from the bottom of the river, anyway)

       How big the smell was

    The Rose Festival!! Of course it rained. It was the first day of summer after all. The mud at the Fun Center was mashed into mush by thousands, back before the five dollar fee, when Made in Oregon had two big tents, not one, and the Budweiser Clydesdales were such a big draw. To stink it up with sand from the river took several days to decide, but when it was done, it was done, that smell was there to stay. And word of a smell gets out. It smelled!!

       They're smelling it!!

It rained so hard the supports on the Big Dipper went up and down at least a foot, only on the right side, sucking up mud and bumping up and down on plywood shims everytime the dipper went up. If the people in line would have
looked at that, soaking in the rain as they waited back when it took two tickets, maybe a dollar, no more to ride a big ride like the big dipper, would they have been so brave? But nobody looked, there was so much mystery in the air. WHAT IS THAT SMELL!! To put orange water on the sand to fix the smell of the sand that fixed the mud as well took several days to decide. A curious odor, not a better smell. No!! I will not pitch orange water to fix the sand that fixed the mud!!

A bedraggled, forlorn, slushy arena, where bears could be bought with a basket or two, knocked down or thrown by a ball through a hoop, "miss would you like to try", "three milk bottles, two darts, ten dimes", a goldfish in a bag, a red glass plate, BUT OH HOW IT SMELLED!! When the sun came out it steamed as it smelled, an aromatic, orange flavored stench, wafting against the will into any open orifice: It STUNK!!

Turned to stone from the smell

And that, dear reader, is
why, on day eight or so, right at the end, we walked in vanilla. Not just
to pass by a bakery or two--
this was ballfield after ballfield celestially caressed. To walk
in vanilla is rare and delightful!!

And let me tell you this, just like sand is better than mud, and orange
water is better than sand, MY IDEA IS BETTER THAN VANILLA!!

Better than country living!

The PROBLEM:

Dialtone, pulse, pulse, pulse, etc.etc.etc.etc., ringtone, ringtone (I think my machine is set to pick up at four) and then a tone, the likes of which cannot be replicated in words, except those used as a reminder of what one hopes is not a shared experience, that causes one to immediately delete the message, a sorry substitute for an understandable urge to commit what be would probably later be called a hate crime, because the toney target was a blonde (she sounded SO blonde and beehived!), and what now prevents me from telling you word for word
what the member of this despicable subset of so called human specie said: No one called you back before when you asked about a property because the landlord has made it clear that he will never permit your use in any of his spaces.

>

      Country Living                                                                                           Beehive

The TONE!! Coming from a beehive who works for the biggest owner of so called commercial spaces in this smelly so called city to ME: hostette and celebrity spokesmodel for a formerly famous and fifteen
year long fully rent paid commercial endeavor that this innuendoizing landlord should be so lucky to rent to, while space after space of what this unknown anonymous eater "owns" sits idle, each spot a piece of
brie and aritchoke quiche, swallowed too fast, all eggy and rich, to sit far too long in a stomach that savors Starbucks and Salons, burping out urban decay for years after the meal was so insatiably consumed, not for
a tasteful savor, but to save on taxes, a process that is as equally certain as death, and yet complicated and incomprehensible to anyone with an artistic palette like mine: How the heck can you afford
to let all that property sit unrented for so many years, and don't you ever long for proper digestion?

  Celebrity Spokesmodel/Minister:   http://www.24hourChurchofElvis.com

The SOLUTION:

There is a space, in the smelly city of "Portland", owned by a landlord who just wants to rent! Nothing fancy, no themes or pecadilloes, just RENT!! All I want is a little part of it--about 500 sqare feet--some windows and a door, one room, walled off and barricaded, so my store can be a store--AND YOU CAN HAVE THE REST!! There's 9500 square feet upstairsl that can be rented separately, and 4600 square feet on the ground floorl, with your own entrance, your own windows, in one of the most pedestrian-laden blocks in this whole smelly town--OREGON, land of dreamers!! Portland, city of ROSES!! On a street car stop!! One block from MAX!! Across the street from the Central Library!! For only $12.00 a foot, triple net!!

You need to move to Oregon and relocate your business in this incredible spot!! Oh sure, there's rain, there's mud, but where else can you WALK IN VANILLA?

If you need more than just location, location, location, rest assured that you will be sipping your lattes next to one of the most incredible, beloved, unbelievably famous landmarks in the history of this rainy mud-filled state!! You will be situated next to: THE WORLD'S FIRST 24 Hour Coin-Operated ART Gallery!! Better known as the beloved: Church of Elvis!! (See above)

Hey, bloggerreader--share this news!! Find somebody to rent this space so that you will have a place to go on a rainy night and put a quarter (or possibly more, due to inflation) in a coinslot, listen to a computer talk to you, answer questions by pressing a button, watch things spin around in the window while music plays, and get a hand
made prize when you're done!! Psychic counselling and a cure!! Photo Opportunity with the King!! Biosphere 6000!! Handy Horoscope and a Psychic Map of the Future!! Art in a Jar!! Gift suggestions and an ornament from Santa Barbara (don't call her Mrs. Santa)!! 3 Predictions and a 3-D Psychic Calendar from Dr. Justin D. Nikov-Time,
Psychic to the Stars!!

Sneak Preview of affected party to be revealed shortly

Please call the property manager, who spoke to me as a human would speak to another and knows of this world-wide plea, get the particulars and do not let this space become a missed opportunity for the likes of you,
concerned, forward-looking patriot and lover of the arts, for the likes of me, celebrityspokesmodel/minister, former biospherian, confirmed semi-finalist, and MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL, An American, for the likes of
this rose-filled, vanilla filled hometown city, or for the sea anenomae populated planet. His name is Paul Schramm, and his phone number is (503)222-5100. The space for lease is located at 822 S.W. 10th Portland, OR

  http://www.24hourchurchofelvis.com
All rights to the use of my logo reserved, copyright on all my stuff, some of the images used herein were obtained from IMSI's Master Clips/Master Photo Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd.East, San Rafael, Ca 94901-5506 USA

By: SG Pierce | Challenge 01 | February 28, 2006

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