Trumpington Lives Again
May 25, 2005 11:25 PM
It's inconceivable to believe that one could possibly be unfamiliar with the infamous Trumpington, the anonymous gossip columnist of Cambridge University, but one must face the facts, and realize that perhaps one's fame did not extend outside the lonely Fens, or even outside East Anglia, and thus a little introduction may be desirable...
Yes, in a former life I was one amongst a long line of gossip columnists for Varsity, one of those tawdry student rags headlining drunken idiots and privileged boaty types who spent their students days idling away life on the River Cam, drinking Pimms and fucking skinny rich girls with obsolete titles. After thirty years of gleeful rumor-monging, the treasured column passed on secretly from writer to writer, Trumpington was mercilessly killed by a fat editor called Jane who now writes for the Guardian, and whom I despise. I should find nothing more satisfying than revealing to you all Jane's little obsession with small mammals and plastic tubes, but alas the photographic evidence was destroyed by her fearsome breath. But Trumpington lives on in his many guises, of which I was one. And Trumpington, like the Phoenix, shall be reborn from the ashes of Jane's tindered celluloids, to give you the latest hot gossip from New York.
Oh where to begin dearest readers?
It has come to Trumpington's increasing attention the rather alarming obsession one prominent U.N. diplomat and former Bill Gates consort has with a small, Brazilian stripper in a seedy Midtown bar named after an appalling eighties movie. Said diplomat was seen escorting the young lady to a local wine bar in a state of heady intoxication several evenings ago, only for the young lady to cause rather a raucous by her youthful looks, lack of I.D., and habit of falling off chairs onto nearby customers. Could the Irish charmer be losing his touch in his attempts to touch-up the young slut? Or perhaps he's merely thinking of moving deeper into politics, and is consequently researching the darker side of Manhattan in an attempt to bond with his illustrious counterparts at the U.N. You can't hide from Trumpington children. You're rather big, but you're certainly not clever after that amount of tequila.
A prestigious Manhattan firm is facing rather a crisis at the present time due to an anonymous blog found on one of the company computers. After a quick scurry through the online archives, it was discovered that all fifty employees of the company were addicted to the blog - which detailed one employee's successful perpetration of the company despite her lack of a valid working permit for the U.S. The company is in a flurry of panic in its attempts to locate the brazen hussy and assuage the company fears of imminent bad press. Hmm. Who on earth could this be? One message for you all a little Mimi whispered in my ear... Catch me if you can!
It seems blogging and work certainly don't go together, after another New Yorker was recently hauled up before his company executives after foolishly revealing the name of his network station on his blog, with rather too many details regarding a certain right-wing talk show host. The poor little blogger is now facing rather a large law-suit - similar to that launched by STAR magazine against the delightful Stephanie, a former employee of theirs who just happened to pitch the draft of her novel to a relative of STAR magazine at a major publishing house. Poor Stephanie forgot to omit a few lairy details in the novel which centred around working for a celebrity obsessed publication... but news just in! Stephanie has just won the court case against STAR, rendering them liable for damages. Tut tut. It seems writers and the workplace just do not get along. When will the world realize there should really be a separate place designated for all the wordsmiths of this world - I suggest New York. Move the Republicans out to Afghanistan, and the writers in, and we could all get along...
Well, that's Trumpington for you. Short, sweet, and rather exhausted after 16 hours of dancing in six-inch heels. But from that lofty height, one gains a perfect view of New York sleaze...
Mama I am not gossip
May 25, 2005 10:15 PM
lyova lyubov?
May 25, 2005 10:11 PM
of all the fabulous and interesting people that have been featured on the 'ultimate blogger reality contest', there hasn't been one nearly as mysterious and intriguing as the man we call 'Lyova Lyubov'. but what do we really know about this belorussian? in the past month many rumors have been circulating concerning lyova; some questioning his identity, some his language abilities, and others about his father. i've taken it upon myself to have some of his post examined by native speakers and peoples more familiar with the region, to see if we can shed any light on such gossip or possibly learn more about lyova. while i wasn't able to find much, i did discover a few things i'd like to share...
THE MYSTERIOUS COMMENTS: (courteous of my latin dance coach... she's polish)
THE PAGER CODE RE-EXAMINED: (courtesy of dance coaches roommates... sorry, i forgot their names)
THE CONFRONTATION: (courtesy of ichat... lyova has a mac!)
the rumor mill
May 25, 2005 09:39 AM
It's early morning here in Portland Oregon, but already the gossip is hot, hot, hot! I sent a request out on the gossip mill, asking my friends and associates to share their juiciest first-hand celebrity rumors. These tidbits may not be new, but man are they HOT! These are exclusive stories that you won't find on any website or newsstand! Ladies and gentlemen, flex your scrolling digits and prepare to have your mind BLOWN! It's all true baby, and you'll read it here first!
Activist Amy wrote in with this Liv Tyler gem:
Apparently Liv and Amy both had their hearts broken by the same playground playboy back in Portland, Maine! Liv still sites this man, a Mr. Galen Murton, as the "the only man who ever rejected me" in interviews. Amy's reaction? "Boo freakin' hoo. I, too, have been rejected by Galen Murton since second grade, but you don’t see me running to major tabloid press to feel prettier about it." Yeouch! Amy also reports that in 2000 Liv refused to buy a ticket or donate any money at a benefit for a former classmate. She tried to breeze by Amy at the front desk, claiming she 'knew the people throwing this party." Amy shot back, “Yeah, so do I and I can tell you none of them are pulling in a million a movie.” Liv quivered, trembled, and disappeared into into her entourage. Yowza, Amy! What a comeback!
Ever wonder how Patrick Stewart spends his evenings? My source Alana knows! She saw him drive by in a limousine in the middle of the night. His bald head was sticking out of the sunroof, and he was shouting, "I'm Jean-Luc Picard, Who wants to FUCK ME?" Thanks Alana, that is sizzling!
Sam reports that her friend Erin dated Steve-O (of Jackass fame) when they were students at an American high school in London. They were planning to go to the junior prom together, but Steve-O refused to ditch his giant stash of marijuana before boarding the prom boat (it was a floating prom.) He got searched, and the night was over. Drugs ruin lives, and Steve-O ruins proms. It's a sad and universal truth.
My dad dropped out of college on the same day as Bill Murray. They were standing in the parking lot together, saying thier goodbyes. Bill asked my dad what his plan was. "Well, I think I'll head up to Boulder, give it a go as a mime." Bill reported that he was headed to Chicago to try and make it doing stand up. They shook hands and went their seperate ways. A few months later my dad heard a rumor that Bill was freaking out. He was holed up in a Chicago apartment with just a hangman's noose, a crown, and a wooden chair. My dad and his buddies rallied. They decided to drive to Chicago in the middle of the night and "save Bill!" But they were too stoned. Good effort though, Dad!
But wait! I have more hot Bill Murray action! A certain Mercedes roadside repairman I know once got a call from Bill. His car was parked in a public garage, and a sewer pipe had burst just above it. There was literally shit all over the car! When they opened the door Bill's dog jumped inside, tracking it all over the interior! The mechanic said, "Oh man. That sucks." Bill's reply? "Shit happens!" Talk about grace under pressure!
This just in!! Jennie's coworker's best friends' sister (this is literally the source chain) is currently having a phone sex relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio! They met at a movie premier in New York last year and Leo invited her to enjoy a wild weekend with him and his posse in Atlantic City. We can only guess what happened in the hotel room that night, but the next day Leo had his limo drive her back to the city. He was smitten. He invited her to the Oceans 12 premiere in Los Angeles. She demurred, siting a final exam that conflicted. Leo generously offered to write a note to her professor on Leonardo DiCaprio letterhead, but again the lady declined. Apparently this road-bump didn't stop the pair from engaging in hot, hot phone sex, well into Leo's relationship with Giselle! Uh-oh! Jennie and Liz saw the vixen at a party, and overheard her say, "I watched the Academy Awards and just cried and cried!" I'm just waiting for ET to get wind of this. I predict it will blow up David Beckham/Posh Spice style. Remember, folks, you read it here first!
Now here's the news that will get Ritchey swooning. My roomate's best friend used to have a sexual relationship with Michael Showalter. He visited her here in Portland, and they all went to the zoo together. FACT: Michael Showalter likes the zoo. FACT: Michael Showalter eats Pirate's Booty while watching movies. FACT: Michael Showalter loves The Monkees.
Other hot tips? My future brother-in-law Marty once saw Michael Stipe give some lady the finger. Joey gave Wesley Willis a ride from Denver to Fort Collins; he tried in vain to talk to him about Otis Redding while Willis listened to Public Enemy on his head phones. My dad was friends with Rosanne in the 1970's. Her nickname was Chunky. A certain friend who works at a certain five-star hotel in New York was present when P-Diddy nearly walked in on Marc Anthony boning Diddy's then wife Jennifer Lopez. The hotel staff helped Anthony sneak out the service elevator while J Lo rushed to the lobby in her nighty to greet Puff Daddy. Rose McGowan showed up at a party when she was 15 with a much older man. She got wasted and was found under a table surrounded by empty wine-coolers oinking like a little piggy. And finally, I, Willow Wonder, rubbed elbows with cyber-celebrity Joel Conrad Bechtolt at the Holocene on Tuesday night. He is, in person, exactly as he seems on the Internet; charming, chatty, and mildly offensive. Here's the evidence:
This entry...IS gossip.
May 24, 2005 09:19 PM
As we all know, the best part about gossip is partaking in it. To hear gossip with one's own ears, or to see gossip with one's own eyes, is truly the King of Kings when it comes to dirty and shameful pass-times. I myself know hardly any gossip, because I live a sequestered life in a small fishing village and have few outlets/inlets to the outside world.
For my entry, I determined that I would go directly to the source of all gossip in my life. Her name is Madam X, and she lives a sequestered life in a large city teeming with people (and not fish) which shall remain unnamed. She has seen many celebrities at their best and worst. She is friends with them. She goes to weird parties with them. Her friends are sleeping with them. She stays in their homes and rifles through their belongings. She is truly an asset to the gossiping community and I am honored to have reached her tonight in light of her busy schedule.
Madam X was gracious enough to bestow her "wicked hot traxx" on my lucky eyes via the modern miracle known as i-chat. You may now experience gossip along with us in all its glory--sometimes boring, sometimes confusing, always scandalous-- as we are whisked down a magical gilded road lined with talking chokecherry bushes that tell us the way to our destination:
Gossipville: Population: Ultimate Blogger
Discussion of what we are drinking is here eliminated: also a great story about a friend of hers who got dissed by a guy in a band--but for brevity's sake (if you call this "brief" (I have been chastened by negative comments regarding my voluminous output)), I cut it.
Special Thanks To:
Tara Reid
the Curves franchise
Nicole Richie
DJ AM
certain dark brooding star of a recent cult hit
that dude in the punk band
Famous Gay Singer
Tom Cruise
Bruce Willis
Paul Newman
Robert Redford
Neil Hamburger
The actress/model/clothing designer who also starred in a hit sci-fi film
Audrey Hepburn (not featured)
singer friend of mine who talks about speedos and who also helped me with Photoshop today
The Loveable George W. Bush Family
and special guest star Owen Wilson