Ultimate Vibrance
May 17, 2005 11:24 PM
Like many of you, I grew up as a tomboy. This meant I had close-cropped hair, cut-off jean shorts, and that I ran around without a shirt on until well into my adolescence. The day I got my period, I wept with a true sorrow that has never yet left me. To be a grown woman was not something I had on my agenda, and yet become a grown woman I did. When this occurred, my mother taught me many things. She taught me about tampons, and condoms, and how if a boy is mean to you you should not continue "liking" him. She taught me about acne medication and which shampoos to use for my type of hair. She taught me never to wear white after Labor Day (she's from Texas). And, of course, she taught me about shaving.
By now, you probably have all realized that in order to be a Real Woman That Boys Will Want To Grab, there are certain rituals and rules a lady of good taste must always obey: One must weigh at least 35 pounds less than the doctor tells one is wise; One must get used to boys not laughing at one's jokes; one must withstand responses like "well, I guess you shouldn't play in bands, then," when one tells a man of the time the crowd screamed at one to "show" them one's "tits" while one was playing drums at the Crystal Ballroom; and, mostly importantly, one must shave roughly 75% of one's body area roughly 3 times a week. This takes time, effort, and money.
If you, like me, loathe the act of shaving and the political implications of women in their natural state being deemed "horrifically ugly and appalling," you have probably spent vast eras of your life not shaving at all. So how exactly does a razor company that tests on animals and is morally repugnant to me in every way cash in on my needs as a Real Woman? They'd have to try pretty hard, and come up with something pretty goddamn impressive. What on earth could that product be?
Well, let's take a look at Gillette's fabulously new contribution to the admittedly-lacking world of Women's Cosmetics--the Gillette Venus Vibrance for women:
That is one heck of a razor, am I right ladies? But what makes it special? Let's check the packaging. "Turn it on!" the copy reads, "Soothing Vibrations (tm)" shave you close...Gently sweeps away dull, dry skin."
Aside from the terrible grammar and the amazing fact that Gillette has apparently copyrighted the phrase "soothing vibrations," what do we notice about this product? Answer: IT VIBRATES. Let's take another look:
Wow! But why would you need a vibrating razor? Let's ask the Venus Vibrance For Women website. In the sidebar next to the smoothly thrusting graphic of the razor, we learn that the Venus Vibrance "sends little vibrations to the skin to raise the hair for a closer shave," thereby "exfoliat[ing] away dry skin." Hmm. That is certainly interesting. I remember my mother telling me that the best way to get rid of dry skin was by rubbing a razor blade very quickly back and forth over the affected area.
"'Women are very discerning shoppers, but they will pay more for something when it has some kind of benefit, tangible or intangible to them, that justifies paying more," says Denise Fedewa, co-founder of Leo Burnett USA's LeoShe unit, which specializes in marketing to women. "When these products are out in display in your bathroom, you want it to look nice, feel good in your hands or go over contours better." More questionable grammar aside, I think I'm beginning to understand.
Let's take another look at that picture:
Mmm. Smooth. Lovely shape. Slightly engorged at the tip. I admit it is one attractive razor. Well, let's try it out!
That IS a close shave!
Some of you probably thought this was a frivolous entry. Well it wasn't. It was about women's rights.
eight ban records
May 17, 2005 11:00 PM
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from Motorcycle harness to Setar optimizer
May 17, 2005 09:55 PM
Reflective safety harness/vests are designed to allow you to carry as a reflective pouch. The reflective pouch can be expanded becoming a reflective arm band. It can be expanded again becoming a reflective safety harness: more visible than reflective belts
Motorcycle Reflector safety harness is available in 4 sizes ( children teen adult s-m adult L-XL )
Harness retro-reflective gear are visible for greater distances than reflective belts and similar to reflective vests. Excellent visibility for motorcycle at dusk or night.
Evening visibility = added safety.
This is one of the world's smallest digital cameras. Its 1.3 million pixel CMOS captures images at 1280x1024. Its on-board 16mb RAM stores 50 1280x1024 or 99 640x512 low-res pictures. You can even capture a 90second movie (without sound). it is small enough to fit unobtrusively into your pocket. And, thanksto an aluminum alloy casing, it can also survive your pocket. This Cubik also works as a webcam.
the good thing about this camera is it has a FM radio that is good for when you got o mountains for 1-2 nights, so you can get the news and take photo as well , this Digital Mini Spy Camera , has been the best gift I have recived in my life ,I can go everywhere with and take photos without anybody knows ... I really love this camera , witohut it I feel my soul caged.
the other product that I want to introduce to you is an invention for for Setar (an Iranian Musical instroument which I play -the left picture-)
This tiny tool was made by Chinnese and it helps you to set your Setar strings to standard sound , before this tool be invented you had to put 1-2 hours of your time to set up your setar but now you can do it in 1-2 min ...these Chinnes make everything for everybodoy ...ha ha
Wonder Willow Takes the Plunge
May 17, 2005 09:50 PM
You've met Willow Wonder. You've met Miss Nancy Novak. Now meet Wonder Willow. That's right, I've commissioned another of my alter egos to help me with my product review. She was the natural choice, given that the product I selected was Oxygen Gum, manufactured by Bugayenko Laboratories, and distributed by the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co. (You may remember that Genius Jason Kellermeyer, from my Award Winning Interview, is a consultant at BSSCo.) Here is a photo of some popular BSSCo products, (including Oxygen Gum very blurry in the back row) and a transcription of the information found on the gum label:
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Directions for use:
Oxygen Gum may be consumed in individual units or in 1 part-to-2 parts
combination with Bugayenko Laboratories' Hydrogen Gum. This gum is
flavored to provide user feedback.
Note:
Not to be used with Helium Gum.
6% of the proceeds from the sale of this product will be donated on
your behalf to The Office of Human Radiation Experiments.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
I have been hesitant to try Bugayenko's Oxygen Gum for a couple of reasons. The first is simple product loyalty. I have used Kolyampo's detachable gills for all of my underwater escapades for going on fifteen years. Sure they are cumbersome, awkward, and unattractive. (YOU try seducing an evil titan into revealing his Ultimate Plan while your hospital-green gills heave and sputter all up under your armpits. Ha, good luck!) But cosmetic concerns are of course secondary to actual superhero functionality, and in that regard the detachable gills have never done me wrong. Boy, I can remember swimming across the entire Salt Lake wrestling a school of half-crazed octasquid, and those gills never quit on me. The straps stayed tight across my clavicle and the suction cups snug on my biceps even with all of that slimy poison ink those bastards kept dousing me with. I tell ya, I'd have been a goner a hundred times over if not for those babies! It's hard to imagine that a simple gumball could provide me with the same protection offered my time-tested gills.
But hey, a superhero's gotta move with the times, right? We have to stay on top of the new technology- lord knows the supervillians do! And this Oxygen Gum is all the buzz around the Ladies Rescue and Leisure Society. Those are tough gals, if you know what I mean, and they wouldn't lead me astray. When I heard about the UB challenge, I said to myself, "Fuck it. Now's the time to chew the gum." I had a bottle of the stuff sent over by lightning bolt messenger last night, and this morning I headed down to the east side esplanade on the Willamette River in Portland to test it out. There was no enemy to face, no plot for global domination to foil, no sensitive art-nerd to rescue. Just me, a gumball, and a filthy stretch of river. I judged the product using a 1-10 scale, where 1=' Hell No!', and 10= 'Full Throttle.' Here are my findings:
Flavor: 7
Heh, heh, someone at Superhero Supply must be trying to get in my leotard, because they sent me a bottle of my favorite flavor: Grape. Mmm buddy, is that Oxygen Gum ever tasty! My only complaint is that the flavor wore off around Mile 12, and then there was a slight tar-like aftertaste. But hey, we've all swum a few laps with a hunk of tar in our mouths, am I right? Not a major deterrent.
Underwater Breathability: 6.5
Maybe I'm being a little harsh with my scoring here. I could breathe fine once I got used to the routine of 'chop, inhale; chomp chomp, exhale,' but I swallowed an awful lot of nasty-ass river water before I got the hang of it. Man, you gotta keep that jaw workin' if you wanna keep the fish-slime out of your belly!
Pollution Control: 3
Now this is the area where the Oxygen Gum really falls short. With your detachable gills, you know those puppies are filtering as they're pumping. They don't hold off all the toxins, but 95% ain't bad, at least not in my book! The gum gets maybe 40-45% of that crap, max. I know this is a new product, but come on! Who wants all that methane and nuclear run-off coursing through their bods? Not me! I'm hoping that when H20 2.0 is released they address this crucial issue.
Convenience: 10
Man oh man, does this little gumball have the gills beat in the convenience department! No pulleys, no movable parts, no bi-annual fittings at BSSCo. Just a small purple ball. I don't even need to carry a handbag! It fits right in my inside cape pocket! No fuss, no muss. And is it ever discreet.
Overall: 7
Okay, so there are some kinks to work out. The pollution filtration system needs to be tweaked, and the water-to-air transference method could definitely be simplified. But looks and convenience make Oxygen Gum a real winner in my book. Hell, I swam all the way to Wilsonville and back on one gumball, and looked great doing it! I'll probably alternate between the gum and the gills until Bugayenko takes care of it's issues, but then boy howdy, I'll be an Oxygen Gum girl all the way. You can't cling to the past, you know what I mean? A superhero always has to keep her eyes on the horizon.
God Games that Comes From The Automatic Egg
May 17, 2005 06:10 PM
"Boris Alexandrovich Tarkov, I will not oblige you in the consumption of alcoholic beverages", Iliona said when her new man arrived in 'Sportman' bar for this illicit encouter.
"I will respect your wish like always", said Boris Alexandrovich. After all, he was in the knowledge of how to manipulate these womanfolks... (remember what I teach you all about masquerading the vodka under apple juice!). So it happens that three hours following this, Iliona Kotovna Lutski is lying on grand sofa of Boris Alexandrovich's apartment in state of total destroy, and Boris is preparing her for further manipulations:
"Come, darling Iliona, you must have one more maybe..."
This is the example for the type of God-playing that is afforded to me by this new Japanese product, entitled "Otokonotashinami Collection". It is a serial of toys that put into graphic illustration the days and especially nights of this yellow character that I identify with as Boris (he has a Japanese name, but I am ignorant of Japanese). The serial illustrates Boris in such delightful and, dare I say, outspoken situations such is like: being biznesmen in workplace, seducing womanfolk, imbuing his conquests with vodka and helping her to make vomiting actions in toilet. It is a personal favourite of mine to improvise dramatic narratives and unfold the bold tales of Boris Alexandrovich's evenings. In some way, he is myself. In some different ways, he is what I want to be. Sometimes, he is what I do not dare be. He enriches my existence by extending my egos. Like I say: he affords me the status of God.
This serial is one of many such things that is here dispensed from street egg vending apparatus. This is total crazy for me and also great luxury: to unfurl myself upon the city at 5 am and obtain this mysterious 'egg' in which lies my new toy. There are multifarious varieties: Hello Cats, the Cinomorol pudding dogs, miniature foodstuffs, diminutive game console and even tiny reproduction of egg vending apparatus! But my personal choice is always for the sexy girl series, where you manipulate her limbs to reveal some rough actions and you have the power to place her in many embarrassing configurations. Once again, it gives you a glimpse of God and even if this is only the glimpse, it is perhaps the closest you will come to any true total primo revelation.
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To give it a lustrous coat use Luster Wash on your cat today
May 17, 2005 05:53 PM
Welcome to Amazing Products. I'm your host Lois and today we are looking at a miracle new product designed to clean, and beautify your cat's fur. Luster Wash also removed allergens that can make your family sick by reducing the air quality in your home.
Luster Wash is designed to clean the fur of light colored cats by gently removing even the toughest dirt from their coats and restoring the beauty of their pale fur. Unlike those inexpensive animal shampoos you find at the discount pet stores, Luster Wash is specially formulated just for cats, dogs will have to find their own beauty products. Luster Wash cleans and fluffs the fur without stripping away the natural oils that protects it from the environment and which help to control dander. This is a concentrated, lathering wash enriched with coconut extract, lanolin, citrus, and aloe. It also removes dandruff, dirt, and scales. Even though Luster Wash cleans the dirtiest fur by no less then 90%, it leaves the coat soft and shining, and their skin has a healthy glow. But don't take my word for it, let's do a test and you can compare the results between a pet store shampoo brand and Luster Wash.
Meet Snowdrop. Snowdrop is an white American Shorthair cat who has been coated with a mixture of soy sauce, grape juice, garden soil, and ketchup* to achieve a uniform black coloring in her fur. First we rubbed the mixture into her fur and then dried it with a hair drier. You know how much harder it can be to remove baked-on stains. Then we repeated the process just to make sure she was really really dirty. Here she is resting in her favorite location while we wait to make sure her coat is dry and really dirty. Enjoy your break Snowdrop!
Then we washed Snowdrop in a pet store shampoo, following label directions. And followed up with a towel rub and natural air drying. You can see that some of the dirt was removed but not enough to return her fur to its white loveliness. 
Hints of the soy sauce remain making her fur look as though she has darker strips along her sides. The ketchup has also discolored patches into a shade of buff.
Most striking is the static in her fur our pet store shampoo was unable to control. Look at the way her fur stands out around her face giving her that less-than-desirable John Quincy Adams mutton-chop sideburns appearance. All the hair standing away from her body makes her look like a much larger cat. What women would want to appear to have added 10 pounds to her lean frame by just washing her hair? Do you think cats enjoy it any more then we do? This will just never do.
Next we repeated the washing process, again following label instructions. This time we were able to clean her fur to a more consistent color but not to the point that her white fur was again glowing. The second round of washing, towel rubbing, and air drying did seem to diminish the static that is shown in our previous picture. Now Snowdrop appears to be a sleeker though very gray cat. She is seen here sharpening her claws so she will be looking her best when this test is completed.
So what are we to do to get Snowdrop back to her beautiful white fur? Enter Luster Wash. The chemists behind Luster Wash are cat owners themselves. They know the kind of dirt a cat can get embedded in their fur, and they know the best ways to clean it right out.
Finally we washed Snowdrop in Luster Wash, per package instructions we lather once and rinse thoroughly. The product is concentrated to save you money, you use less in each wash then with the pet store brand and since only one lathering is required you save twice. After a towel rub and air drying you can clearly see that over 90% of the dirt and discoloration has been removed from Snowdrop's fur. 
She is almost back to that beautiful white glow she had before our test took place. We wanted to show you this picture because the makers of Luster Wash have worked to balance the products cleaning abilities and the health of your cat. No bleaching agent are used in the product to protect your cats delicate skin. Of course without bleaching some of the discoloration, particularly around fragile ears and eyes and the difficult to clean tail and paws, remains. But even with those slight buff stains from the ketchup, our Snowdrop is a beautiful girl. And since those stains will fade without additional help we can expect Snowdrop to be herself again in only a few short weeks of her regular cleaning routine.
Goodnight Snowdrop you deserve a clean rest after your tough dirty day.
We hope you found our demonstration of the power of Luster Wash to clean even the dirtiest cat enough for you to try a bottle on your little feline friend. Remember Luster Wash can be found at any grooming salon or from our website http://lusterwash.com . Remember to keep your light colored friend's fur clean use Luster Wash.
* Do not attempt at home. Trained stunt cat used in closed house.
CAST (in order of appearance):
Nix as the "dirty cat."
China as John Quincy Adams-cat
Persephone as the sharp clawed car
Hemera as Snowdrop the "clean cat"
Lois as her weirdly human self
Meet Mimi - The walking, talking English chick
May 17, 2005 04:00 PM
Press the right buttons and she even cusses at you.
I'm a slob-out-in-combats, don't-wash-your-hair, never-wear-make-up kind of girl, which means that my present employment, in which you become the product, has introduced me to a whole realm of creams, dyes, waxes and preening of which I have previously been unaware.
My beauty initiation began when one of the dancers took me discreetly aside the other day and handed me a business card of a certain midtown salon. What better way to spend a Sunday than with legs splayed and arms akimbo, whilst a 300 pound Russian lady called Olga expertly rips out the hairs from your entire pubic region, simultaneously peppering the whimpers of pain by grunting, "Come Mammie, be brave Mammie, I no wanna hear crying from you Mammie." Whether Mammie was me, or she was referring to herself in the third person I was unable to ascertain, and our conversation never reached a level at which I felt comfortable enough to enquire. Ten minutes of pain for a smooth, hair-free pussy just ripe for Pimping Pussies, the club where I work. It hurts like hell when I pee. But damn it looks good, albeit a tad pre-pubescent. After the Brazilian, I ventured forth into the 'Mystic Tan' booth, which involved standing in a cubicle for thirty seconds and being sprayed with some kind of venomous chemical produce which takes about 6 hours to develop into a bronzed, golden glow. For the first-timer, an informative ten minute video was provided, which was only enhanced by Olga's conjunctive narrative. "You see Mammie, must hold fingers loose by sides. I go drink the vodka. You good Mammie?"
By the time I turned up for work at the office, I was an elegant sun-kissed brown. By the time I left work at 2am, I noticed a few strange glances from people on the subway, which culminated, by the time I reach 14 Street Union Square, with out-and-out hysterical laughter and finger pointing. When I reached home, I realised this was because my Mystic Tan had moved on from elegant sun-kissed brown, to lurid dayglo satsuma. A worrying phenomenon. I was later informed by a wise friend that one is intended to halt the bronzing process at the desired shade by showering immediately. Olga, perhaps absent-minded through excessive vodka consumption, had failed to inform me of this fact. Hair free and satsuma-ed, the next step was the prevention of ingrowing hairs. Every woman who has dabbled with waxing knows that the real test of a good wax commences when hair grows back, and your smooth pubic region develops into sore, volcanic eruptions. Reminiscent of a bad venereal disease, this is hardly conducive to seducing clients into the Champagne Room. For the small fee of $20, Olga introduced me to the dancer's secret weapon - Tend Skin Solution. Dab on with some cotton wool once a day for five days, and voila, hair regrows in its intended path. What Olga failed to mention to me is that Tend Skin Solution is comprised of a vehement acidic solution which attacks your already tender pubic region with the ferocity of a flame-thrower. So now I'm primped and preened, and ready for the Strip-Club, $100 poorer and with several new products lining my bathroom shelves.
Once in the strip club, the frame of your body is plied with more products as if you've become a paint-by-numbers board. Baby oil for that erotic, glistening look. Clinique Moisturiser. Clinique foundation. Heavy Powder to combat shine under the stage lights. Fake eyelashes applied with ominous looking pincers. Smoky eyeshadow. Concealer on any stray bruises or dark shadows, or for the fake-tittied, to hide their op scars from roving male eyes. Hair is straightened, or fluffed up into a slutty, just-tumbled-out-of-bed look. Next a slinky polyester number is slipped on - dancers' dresses are not renowned for their quality or taste. The most desirable designs are those which favor ease of removal and cheap thrills. Sore, city-stained feet are hastily pedicured and squeezed into punishing six-inch heels, preferably transparent. Your personality is hidden beneath a veneer of false aesthetics, and to complete the transformation into a working, marketable product, you take on a new name.
Mine was 'Mimi'.
