Wonder Willow Takes the Plunge by Willow

Posted on: May 17, 2005 9:50 PM

You've met Willow Wonder. You've met Miss Nancy Novak. Now meet Wonder Willow. That's right, I've commissioned another of my alter egos to help me with my product review. She was the natural choice, given that the product I selected was Oxygen Gum, manufactured by Bugayenko Laboratories, and distributed by the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co. (You may remember that Genius Jason Kellermeyer, from my Award Winning Interview, is a consultant at BSSCo.) Here is a photo of some popular BSSCo products, (including Oxygen Gum very blurry in the back row) and a transcription of the information found on the gum label:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Directions for use:
Oxygen Gum may be consumed in individual units or in 1 part-to-2 parts
combination with Bugayenko Laboratories' Hydrogen Gum. This gum is
flavored to provide user feedback.

Note:
Not to be used with Helium Gum.

6% of the proceeds from the sale of this product will be donated on
your behalf to The Office of Human Radiation Experiments.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I have been hesitant to try Bugayenko's Oxygen Gum for a couple of reasons. The first is simple product loyalty. I have used Kolyampo's detachable gills for all of my underwater escapades for going on fifteen years. Sure they are cumbersome, awkward, and unattractive. (YOU try seducing an evil titan into revealing his Ultimate Plan while your hospital-green gills heave and sputter all up under your armpits. Ha, good luck!) But cosmetic concerns are of course secondary to actual superhero functionality, and in that regard the detachable gills have never done me wrong. Boy, I can remember swimming across the entire Salt Lake wrestling a school of half-crazed octasquid, and those gills never quit on me. The straps stayed tight across my clavicle and the suction cups snug on my biceps even with all of that slimy poison ink those bastards kept dousing me with. I tell ya, I'd have been a goner a hundred times over if not for those babies! It's hard to imagine that a simple gumball could provide me with the same protection offered my time-tested gills.

But hey, a superhero's gotta move with the times, right? We have to stay on top of the new technology- lord knows the supervillians do! And this Oxygen Gum is all the buzz around the Ladies Rescue and Leisure Society. Those are tough gals, if you know what I mean, and they wouldn't lead me astray. When I heard about the UB challenge, I said to myself, "Fuck it. Now's the time to chew the gum." I had a bottle of the stuff sent over by lightning bolt messenger last night, and this morning I headed down to the east side esplanade on the Willamette River in Portland to test it out. There was no enemy to face, no plot for global domination to foil, no sensitive art-nerd to rescue. Just me, a gumball, and a filthy stretch of river. I judged the product using a 1-10 scale, where 1=' Hell No!', and 10= 'Full Throttle.' Here are my findings:

Flavor: 7
Heh, heh, someone at Superhero Supply must be trying to get in my leotard, because they sent me a bottle of my favorite flavor: Grape. Mmm buddy, is that Oxygen Gum ever tasty! My only complaint is that the flavor wore off around Mile 12, and then there was a slight tar-like aftertaste. But hey, we've all swum a few laps with a hunk of tar in our mouths, am I right? Not a major deterrent.

Underwater Breathability: 6.5
Maybe I'm being a little harsh with my scoring here. I could breathe fine once I got used to the routine of 'chop, inhale; chomp chomp, exhale,' but I swallowed an awful lot of nasty-ass river water before I got the hang of it. Man, you gotta keep that jaw workin' if you wanna keep the fish-slime out of your belly!

Pollution Control: 3
Now this is the area where the Oxygen Gum really falls short. With your detachable gills, you know those puppies are filtering as they're pumping. They don't hold off all the toxins, but 95% ain't bad, at least not in my book! The gum gets maybe 40-45% of that crap, max. I know this is a new product, but come on! Who wants all that methane and nuclear run-off coursing through their bods? Not me! I'm hoping that when H20 2.0 is released they address this crucial issue.

Convenience: 10
Man oh man, does this little gumball have the gills beat in the convenience department! No pulleys, no movable parts, no bi-annual fittings at BSSCo. Just a small purple ball. I don't even need to carry a handbag! It fits right in my inside cape pocket! No fuss, no muss. And is it ever discreet.

Overall: 7
Okay, so there are some kinks to work out. The pollution filtration system needs to be tweaked, and the water-to-air transference method could definitely be simplified. But looks and convenience make Oxygen Gum a real winner in my book. Hell, I swam all the way to Wilsonville and back on one gumball, and looked great doing it! I'll probably alternate between the gum and the gills until Bugayenko takes care of it's issues, but then boy howdy, I'll be an Oxygen Gum girl all the way. You can't cling to the past, you know what I mean? A superhero always has to keep her eyes on the horizon.

Previous: God Games that Comes From The Automatic Egg | Den Home | Ultimate Blogger Home | Next: from Motorcycle harness to Setar optimizer

Comments:

© 2005 URBN*HNKG | Design by YACHT | Using MT 3.33 | DEN RSS 2.0 W/O COMMENTS: DEN RSS 1.0