Ultimate Vibrance
Posted on: May 17, 2005 11:24 PM
Like many of you, I grew up as a tomboy. This meant I had close-cropped hair, cut-off jean shorts, and that I ran around without a shirt on until well into my adolescence. The day I got my period, I wept with a true sorrow that has never yet left me. To be a grown woman was not something I had on my agenda, and yet become a grown woman I did. When this occurred, my mother taught me many things. She taught me about tampons, and condoms, and how if a boy is mean to you you should not continue "liking" him. She taught me about acne medication and which shampoos to use for my type of hair. She taught me never to wear white after Labor Day (she's from Texas). And, of course, she taught me about shaving.
By now, you probably have all realized that in order to be a Real Woman That Boys Will Want To Grab, there are certain rituals and rules a lady of good taste must always obey: One must weigh at least 35 pounds less than the doctor tells one is wise; One must get used to boys not laughing at one's jokes; one must withstand responses like "well, I guess you shouldn't play in bands, then," when one tells a man of the time the crowd screamed at one to "show" them one's "tits" while one was playing drums at the Crystal Ballroom; and, mostly importantly, one must shave roughly 75% of one's body area roughly 3 times a week. This takes time, effort, and money.
If you, like me, loathe the act of shaving and the political implications of women in their natural state being deemed "horrifically ugly and appalling," you have probably spent vast eras of your life not shaving at all. So how exactly does a razor company that tests on animals and is morally repugnant to me in every way cash in on my needs as a Real Woman? They'd have to try pretty hard, and come up with something pretty goddamn impressive. What on earth could that product be?
Well, let's take a look at Gillette's fabulously new contribution to the admittedly-lacking world of Women's Cosmetics--the Gillette Venus Vibrance for women:
That is one heck of a razor, am I right ladies? But what makes it special? Let's check the packaging. "Turn it on!" the copy reads, "Soothing Vibrations (tm)" shave you close...Gently sweeps away dull, dry skin."
Aside from the terrible grammar and the amazing fact that Gillette has apparently copyrighted the phrase "soothing vibrations," what do we notice about this product? Answer: IT VIBRATES. Let's take another look:
Wow! But why would you need a vibrating razor? Let's ask the Venus Vibrance For Women website. In the sidebar next to the smoothly thrusting graphic of the razor, we learn that the Venus Vibrance "sends little vibrations to the skin to raise the hair for a closer shave," thereby "exfoliat[ing] away dry skin." Hmm. That is certainly interesting. I remember my mother telling me that the best way to get rid of dry skin was by rubbing a razor blade very quickly back and forth over the affected area.
"'Women are very discerning shoppers, but they will pay more for something when it has some kind of benefit, tangible or intangible to them, that justifies paying more," says Denise Fedewa, co-founder of Leo Burnett USA's LeoShe unit, which specializes in marketing to women. "When these products are out in display in your bathroom, you want it to look nice, feel good in your hands or go over contours better." More questionable grammar aside, I think I'm beginning to understand.
Let's take another look at that picture:
Mmm. Smooth. Lovely shape. Slightly engorged at the tip. I admit it is one attractive razor. Well, let's try it out!
That IS a close shave!
Some of you probably thought this was a frivolous entry. Well it wasn't. It was about women's rights.
i guess most the other dudes completed the assignment too. i don't know what my deal is tonight, other than being all hopped up on corn pops. but! this was funny!
Posted by: Kevin Erickson at May 18, 2005 12:35 AM
That was excellent! Love it! I had a male friend who used one of those damned things on his girlfriend as a makeshift vibrator (ugh).... never touch one in someone else's home... congrats on immunity... email me, let's talk! Gotta go to work now but on email tonight.xx
Posted by: mimi at May 18, 2005 5:17 AM
Oh man, Ritchey, this is so good! The movie is amazing and the review is solid gold. I haven't shaved my legs in five years, but I still feel a tinge of shame when I wear a skirt with flip-flops- like I might offend someone. And I'm too vain to take the hippie thing all the way- I still shave my pits and trim my you-know-where. My leg hair is really light and fine- pretty unnoticible if you're further than 2 feet away. I wonder how long I would have remained unshaven if I had the Amazon legs of some of my sisters... Sigh. The personal is political, but it's also, well, personal. Thanks for the sexy reminder! You totally deserve this immunity!
Posted by: willow at May 18, 2005 11:27 AM
This is the second post that had me literally crying with laughter and punching the keyboard. The video is so good.. Like SO good. I've totally wanted to do the out-of-sync voice over bit in the UB videos! YOU BEAT ME TO IT!
Good job.. you wear the headgear well!
Posted by: Jona at May 18, 2005 11:47 AM
thanks, Bonus, Willer and Korvin! We had fun making the video (which andrew correctly dubbed "computer low-fi"). A little TOO much fun if you know what I mean (drinking too much). I would like to thank Andrew, Fiona, and Cabel for helping make this entry possible. And, for the record, the Venus Vibrance is a totally weak vibrator. PEACE
Posted by: ritchey at May 18, 2005 12:12 PM
I love you and think they should use this as a real commercial.
LOVE IT.
LV
KS
Posted by: ksouth at May 18, 2005 2:13 PM
Awesome entry Ritchey. Did anyone else go to the fantastic website and get their vibe? Thanks for the link! My vibe is telling me that hairy legs aren't working for me anymore. How else would I have ever known?
Posted by: Jenny at May 18, 2005 11:15 PM
ritchey- i'm mimi's twin sister. this is the first post that really made me warm to u. well done on immunity!
piu piu x
Posted by: piu piu (unemployed) at May 19, 2005 2:11 AM
they sell a lot of 'neck massagers' in the convenience stores here. of course, maybe they really are neck massagers, but they certainly had me fooled with their phallic shape and water resistant design....
Posted by: james at May 19, 2005 2:35 AM
You killed my friend Alison with your amazing entry amazing! It didn't kill me, but it did give me food poisoning! You should be made permanently immune to all things!
Posted by: Adam Kline at May 19, 2005 10:31 PM
I loved your video. However, if you want to see what they are really selling take a close look at the Vibrance commercial. There is a segment which lasts about 1/2 second which shows a woman riding a horse along the beach. I paused it with my DVR and she is actually riding the horse *completely* bareback and you get a good idea of how well the Vibrance razor works.
Posted by: Albert York at August 26, 2005 7:29 PM
I have no idea who you are but im doing a design folio on razors for uni*sigh* and this made my day. I loved yur wink at the end but i think everyone in this library thinks im watching porn!
Posted by: Korin at November 20, 2005 4:56 AM
I am shocked, simply SHOCKED!
Can't we somehow protect the children from the vibrator peddlers? Where is the outrage on the Right? Especially the God-N-Country religious extremists?
Posted by: Joey Daytona at October 13, 2006 9:50 AM
Excellent post! VIDEO! plus you actually completed the assignment!
Posted by: Kevin Erickson at May 18, 2005 12:11 AM