first of all, i really need to apologize to those who put their faith in me. it hurt that i had to betray them, especially willow. i have lived my whole life full of merit and according to the scout oath... and until now, have done rather well. but the moment i was accepted to this contest, i questioned how far 'honest & trustworthy' would get me. but what happens when i make a promise to be dishonest and untrustworthy? this is a dilemma i toyed with. my conclusion was STALIN. its important to note, however, that part of this pact was to act completely independently of each other until the very end... thus my feeble attempt to rationalize "honestly lying" (something i would only dare do with my mothers age; shes 37). so... i think its absolutely necessary to write this post as such, completely independent of STALIN.

the merit badgers begin with one single comment. i knew right away that this would lead to something special, but lo... it was too late. my alliance had been made, and i had to stick with it. of course, that wasn't going to stop me from making sure 'the merit badgers' would get as far as possible without breaking the STALIN pact. my only fear was that i would have to one day make that fateful decision between the two; the pact built on love, or the pact built on fear and deceit. i'm thankful i never had to make that decision as lyova did, i know that it was hard for him. and of course it was awful for me to see willow go, knowing there was nothing STALIN could do to help her (that lyova hadn't already done once... sorry mimi). but... see... already im talking about STALIN. enough of him, the badgers are what's important here.

so, as the name suggests, 'the merit badgers' was built off of merit. our quest was to insure that the game was not swallowed by strategy, and encourage votes to be cast according to those that were making the 'least ultimate' posts. but in order to do this and simultaneously guard 'the merit badgers' hides... willow and i still had to utilize strategy (i don't think i have to point out the double irony here). we needed to insure that RM-39 (better known as 'ritchey, mimi, lyova and crew') were well aware that we were honest in our intentions, and that they could trust we would tell them before voting a member off. this meant that while they did intend to vote us off, they would wait until we were the two remaining 'non RM-39ers', because we posed no threat and were a predictable opposing force. of course, it helped that i knew lyova would never vote for me, but there was nothing in our pact that would prevent him from voting off my dearest ally willow.

so. willow and I were very careful to remain in contact with the other alliance, and make sure that they understood our intentions were genuine. unfortunately, my poker face wasn't good enough to fool the others, lyova made the first tactful STALIN move and tipped me off that word of 'JAMES' votes were in the air. this also meant that lyova was in a position where if he had to defend me, it might expose our meta-alliance so, i had to become myself as likable as possible. in the event that voting me off came into question, there had to be enough people reluctant to vote me off that lyova wouldn't be in danger of being the only one opposed. now, i don't necessarily think im that charming, but rather i believe i have a tendency to be overwhelming with my desire to please.. this simply gave me an excuse not to excersize restraint. so, i offered help were i thought it was needed, complemented (a little too much... as always), and even kissed ritchey's toes when i learned she was a member of 'dear nora' and 'the badger king' (no relation to the badgers of the merit kingdom).

but... its also important to note that i was completely honost in such flatteries. i do indeed love ritchey's music (she ranks even higher than kim hiorthoy and david sedaris!!), and i was more than happy to help mimi with her photo's... and of course i do absolutely love mimi's weblog (which deserves this). of course... i did agree to give medya my ipod (something he made requests for from each contestant) if the two of us made it to the top three... that was sort of dishonest of me. but wow, was that ever a weird situation. i don't know how to communicate with him anymore. im too shy for confrontation, so i've been pretending to be completely ignorant of the whole phenomenon. naturally, thats only because i am at a complete loss as to what to say to him about all this. maybe i'll share some of those MSN chats later, to show what i mean. but what do you say to someone you liked and trusted, when they turn out to be a total loose cannon? god, he was a challenge away from being an honorary merit badger! oh, and lois! i feel awful! she contacted me about joining the merit badgers right before leaving. i had hoped that our honesty would cause the other alliance to crumble and defect, but i had no idea what to say when i knew she was getting voted off with medya in the next round! sorry lois, you would have been an awesome addition to our team. and medya... well... im not really sorry about anything. no... i am. im sorry you think ipod shuffles are really that great; in taiwan people get them just so they can look rich wearing those little white earplugs.

on another note, i've been thinking a lot about a class i almost took a few years back in college. it was a require theme course called 'strategic games' that was suppose to analyze strategy and the use of it in history. there were no papers or test in that class, only games. our entire grade came from our performance in these games... one in each lesson. for the very first class we played an old war game that was invented by... well, i forgot... but i think it had something to do with 'the art of war'. anyhow, it is a two person game where each person writes down on a sheet of paper A or B (and in some versions 'something hard' or 'something soft', aggressive/passive ect). if both players put A, each would get 1 point. if both players put B, they each lost 2 points. if one put A, and the other B, the A would lose 6 points, and the B would gain 6. the idea being that it simulated old battles; back when there were rules against germ warefare, fighting before dawn, straight battle formations, ect ect, and the game assumes that both sides are equally strong. picking A means fighting with merit and obeying these rules, B means guerilla warfare... A and B results in the A getting demolished, and the B gaining a distinct advantage for the rest of the battle, and two B's result in massive losses for both sides.

so... the first day of class we were instructed to pick someone we had never met before. naturally, i picked the next most harmless person in the room (being the incredibly shy dolt that i am). we were then explained the rules of the game, asked not to discuss them with our opponents, then told that the highest scores would get passing grades while everyone else failed. the catch was that our scores would be the result of only the very first round. so... we all played, and it turned out that the battle between my partner and i was the only one in the class that resulted in two A's. unfortunately, that also resulted in two F's, for passing grades for that assignment were only granted to those who had chosen B while their opponent had chosen A. i became really excited by all this, and was determined to prove to this class (mostly business majors) that pacifism was the only true winning strategy in the long run. but... this never happened. the next day i switched into a creative writing class.

the idea remains though, and i've continued thinking about this experience all throughout the ultimate blogger competition. on one hand, i had planned on dealing straight A's throughout the entire game, but somehow, in a rather large step out-of-character, i agreed with lyova to deal out that one final B that would give the advantage to us for the remainder of the game. i sold out on pacifism. i still hope, however, that history will one day reveal how the ghandi's of the world will always win in the long run. if this is truly the case, my one ultimate B will become my ultimate demise, while willow's straight A's will send her to a whole other ultimate victory somewhere well beyond this urban(honking) battlefield.

so... there you have it. my cards are on the table, i have no more secrets to hide... and dealt my one and only B. naturally this puts me in a rather awkward position as far as STALIN is concerned. im rather vulnerable at this moment... should lyova win this challenge (his post is likely to blow mine out of the water, i know this because i've helped with a few pieces already), he could just as easily pick mimi as he could me. and no, i haven't prepared anything in the event that that happens. at this point, no amount of faith will reassure me that an alliance built on B's is beyond turning its back on one of its two founding members. so, i guess thats the hole i've dug with my lies, and i wouldn't dare beg lyova for mercy. im pretty proud of what i've done actually, its a new leaf turned. i've certainly worked hard enough for it.

so, im really very exhausted. please, let me know if there was anything i wasn't clear on, or anything else you'd like to hear more about. i know there are plenty of questions... please ask, im an open book(blog?).