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Spice by Crash

Posted on: May 03, 2005 04:37 PM

Having dinner with ten college students is not an unusual occurrence in my life. I graduated two years ago, but I can't seem to escape certain trappings of higher education. College is, like, my job now.

Last night I was able to treat my favorite kids to a meal at the Vermont Pub & Brewery. And we ate like kings.

Nachos Grande. Buffalo Tenders. Spud Skins. Sweet Potato Fries. Two orders of Cheese Sticks. All devoured in under four minutes.

After that carnage, we all learned that Marty (the one with major food issues) eats ketchup straight. Not out of the bottle, mind you -- but if there's some left on his plate? He'll scoop it up. He loves it.

But, Mr. Food Issues said, "Ketchup is the spiciest thing I can eat."

The table had the same reaction that anybody would. Ketchup isn't spicy. But Marty wouldn't concede. "Ketchup has a little bite," he said. "Not much of one -- but it's a little spicy."

We try to drop it and move on.

Our entrees took infinitely longer to arrive and eat. I got a tasty Tequila Lime Chicken -- tasty, if a bit dry. Came with a garden salad with Honey Chili Vinaigrette and Horseradish Mashed Potatoes. Their names were much more interesting than their flavor. I've had better.

It was around this time in the meal that Marty exclaimed, "Spice!"

He was eyeing the ingredients on the ketchup bottle, having just drowned his burger in the condiment. And, lo and behold, it was listed there, amongst the other stuff. Distilled vinegar. Sugar. Onion powder. Spice. The table erupted into laughter.

Now, being an end-of-the-year dinner, I had cards and gifts for everyone at the table. I got the seniors something nice and thoughtful, and for all the undergrads, various tiny stuffed animal things wearing school colors.

I was too full to really say anything thoughtful or profound to close out the year. I said whatever I said as we waited for the check, and I handed out the gifts.

While the table was quiet, everyone reading their cards (in front of me, which bothers me), one of my co-diners noted that two of the stuffed cats had fallen from my hands into a compromising position on the table. The head of one in the lap of the other. And, well, things went downhill from there.

Not the most original gag -- but still pretty funny.

I love my job.

Earlier: "PRIMO ANTHROPOLOGIST MAKES TAXIDERMIC IN PRIMO SLAVIC FOODSTUFFS" | Den Home | Ultimate Blogger Home | Later: "dinner..."


I like the narrative, and I think the ending is cute�funny, even.

I graduated from Denison University four years ago, and definitely some of my fonder memories of time on the hill was time spent with professors outside the classroom while eating foodstuffs. I never had a class of more than 25 with more than a few under ten, so I got know most of my professors rather well.

I should probably come clean and say that part of the reason I love the pictures at the end is because I am obsessed with mascots.

Posted by: Eddie D. at May 3, 2005 04:48 PM

Dear Crash,

I like your little story. It give me a very homely imagination of what is like on one evening in USA. I had also many enjoyments from the pictures, which are copiously humourous! :-)

But this text make me think of one problem: "horseradish" - I had become absent-minded of this for the past half-year, but now you remind me and it bring me to nostalgia, because everyone must know that my country make the most premium of these, and sometimes it makes troublesome to be without it.


Lyova Lyubov

Posted by: Lyova Lyubov at May 3, 2005 04:54 PM

you made my day :)

Posted by: anonymous at May 3, 2005 05:08 PM

hehe. isn't ketchup like the spiciest thing you can get in vermont?

hailing from the berkshires,

Posted by: kirsten at May 3, 2005 05:09 PM

It's a vegetable too!

Posted by: Jack K at May 3, 2005 06:37 PM

It's a fruit!

Also, I don't like it when people read my writing in front of me either.

Posted by: enjanerd at May 3, 2005 06:59 PM

Dear Crash,

Can you please write about an evening sitting in front of the TV while Mom makes dinner and Dad screws his secretary? I'm just feeling kind of homesick for my youth after reading all this and coming home to an empty apartment and no cigarettes. sigh.


Posted by: mimi at May 3, 2005 07:33 PM

Nice story but not your usual reparte, funny none the less.

Posted by: Craniac at May 3, 2005 09:26 PM

Hello Crash,
Nice to make your aquaintance. I wish you would have done a little more abouth the teddy bear sex. I suppose they say a picture is worth a thousand words, I just would have liked to hear them. You didn't get lazy, did you?

Joel Conrad Bechtolt

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 09:55 AM

Sorry, this is boring.

Posted by: Anonymous at May 4, 2005 11:19 AM

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