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PRIMO ANTHROPOLOGIST MAKES TAXIDERMIC IN PRIMO SLAVIC FOODSTUFFS by

Posted on: May 3, 2005 4:19 PM

Image hosted by Photobucket.comMost countries spread out above this Earth are considering digestion of solid foodstuffs as a primordial to the intake of liquids. When you investigate the preparations of dinners and lunches, you think customary to include the pork first and only thereafter to divert to what your guest will enjoy in drink. But this is not the truth in all places. Behind the Iron Curtains, has been developed a TOTAL revolution of anterior models of consumption ; here we oppose to the limitation of biological statistic and, in true Hegelian fashion, make nature subordinate to man, by putting vital ingestion of foodstuffs after the pleasure of the beverage. So it is also in my homeland of Byelorussia and my ancestral Poland that we see the food only as accompaniment to the totally massive and, dare I say, bloodthirsty consumption of our national liquids, which is called "vodka".

Image hosted by Photobucket.comWe even have specialistic nomenclature for this accessory foodstuffs; we call it "zakuski" which is maybe contiguous to your "snack". In the literal, it signifies to "make little prick at something", such as to put something under the tooth. As you can see, it only constitutes a fleeting moment, the time for absorbing the alcohols and maybe lining the stomach with premium fat, in order to make possible further drinking. A primo selection of zakuskis will make obligatory to include some of the following: salmons, vegetable salad, sprat, a diverse of herring (oftentimes made ready in its cloak of sour cream, onion and apple - I consider this one the king of herring, yes?) much saussage, blini, rye bread, salmon embryo, and likesuch. There are also various class of zakuski. The aristocratic or the industrial bourgeoisie make common the intake of caviar, which is exceeding incomes in my areas. In reverse, the penniless will enjoy with maybe only some peas. The mission is of collecting multifarious volumes of vodka, so one must always fight the overhung. This we also perform with total dexterity by devouring slices of pig fat in latter stages of overdose.

Still, the hero of the zakuska is not the zakuska itself, but the majestic and, I must state, heavyweight thing that is vodka. And so I compile for your gourmand desires, this gastronomical overview of my favorites:
stalin.jpg

Image hosted by Photobucket.comWe make lift-off with one who is maybe commonplace throughout the Former Soviet Union. The Stolichnaya variety, which you come to glimpse on your parents' tables when they make to entertain your decrepit relatives in the interminable feasts of the Holiday seasons (Christmas, Easter and name day is especially notorious). This variety is good, but in definitive not premium, as it wears itself without sex or style. It must not be glimpsed on the dance floor of the primo night clubs, and will not help guide your tongue into opposite orifice on first tryst. You will have more chance of utilizing this in full effect to subdue your grandmother, when she make boring your Sunday dinner by recalling ancient histories for whom you have no reverence (I overhaul this from my pubescence).Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Second to this list comes the multiples of the sweet vodka. These come in variable denominations of fruits, such is like apple, lemon or cherry. When you are overtaken an age so advanced as mine (30), these will make you harrow in much nausea, because they revive the childish introduction you forced upon vodka at the age of eleven, at what time the more heavyweight still make you wince (you slowly progressed from juice to hardcore, yes?) From personal judgment I must not include these diminutive beverages on this list, but it remains that they make still ultimate effectiveness on the womanfolk, who enjoy to guzzle upon the bottle for numerous hours, and thus make your offensive slight. For this reasons, I entitle it the vodka in disguise (and I am too sneaky, yes?)Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Now come the total warriors of vodka! First we apprehend the Zubrowka specimens, that can now make pride of world fame. It make me especially proud to announce its forthcoming, as it takes root in the same soils as myself: the impenetrable and, dare I say, savage prehistoric forestry of the Poland-Byelorussia borderzone. Here roams the great bison , who gives up his herbs for this premium vodka. If you investigate the picture at close hand you will witness the celebrity "bison grass". This drink you come to know well since first samplings in teen years. It has accompanied you on many quests and you consider it the "faithful dog"; and because it is perhaps the remnant vodka outside the Warsaw Pact nations, it is also the drink for nostalgia (I sometime come to glimpsing it here, in Japan, and it extends many teardrops from my eye). You hold it also in supreme reverence for reason of one absolute quality that is this: when you mix it with the apple juice, it make no alcohol taste on the tongue! This is why Zubrowka is king of romances and the total master of the first tryst. You fathom the possibilities of how far it can lead you, notwithstanding the ultimate penetrations! In our areas, it has also made big gossip as the "deflowerer of virgins", and muchImage hosted by Photobucket.com virgin must truly be expressing its gratitude, believe me! (I hasten to develop, that I am not a fan of the virgin, but you shall sample more from this at later dates). So, ultimately, this vodka, which has much sex and panache is surely a maximator!

Next come the Nemiroff Honey-Pepper variety. This one you noticed on first contact because it carries with it the top class chili pepper! You take real enjoyment from the savour it make you experiment upon (at first you make astonished if such awesome and, dare I say, perverse thing as honey mix chili is possible, yes?) and perhaps you ordain it primo of all vodkas. However, this comes up for debate because it does not fare so swiftly with the opponent sex and you will struggle much if you take shelter in thinking that it must part her thighs, because - put your trust in my hands - it will not. You do, on other hands, make great Image hosted by Photobucket.comusage from it on your male-male power struggles, because the chili dubs it a violent amongst vodkas.It is liquid equivalent of the "wrestling arms", and must also become the closest you will ever attain to homo-erotic tensions. Nemiroff has much virtues and, if not for the womanfolk element, I might place it on throne.

Finally, we bow down in front of the Zoladkowa Gorzka variety! This Polish name becomes "Bitter Stomach" in English tongue, but make not afraid! it is not so bad as the sound it lets out. We only make reference to "stomach" because it was everyday medicine before wartime. In our era, you have sighted it in every night club, on everyone's palms. It is now the Mr Popularity, and all younger peoples will not be found dead with it, because it simply holds too much life! You find it is unique taste of sweet and sour and make ultimate use of the herb in subtle manner. Maybe not so pleasant for the virgin as Zubrowka, it must be the drink of fashionable disco dancers, deft masculinity and the pinnacles of sexy! I think this is your drink Mimi, because it will make vibrate the din of your inner female, that clamours but is made silent without it. I make import of this fine beverage at some time,Image hosted by Photobucket.com and so I can vouch for that even the Japanese will not die with it!

I add coda of two abnormal specimens: the Spirytus is king of total hardcore. It is illegal everywhere but in Slavic places, because it is 93-97% pure alcohol. You must not be a true man if you did not attempt this in your adolescence,Image hosted by Photobucket.com as it is modern rite for most all fifteen year olds. It contains one minuscule problem: if you make blundering and swallow it, it will destroy your vocals and throat muscles, so you always remember to pour it straight down without the swallow part. This requires training and great skill. This is not a drink for the featherweight! Also there is Denaturated Alkohol which is in veracity a poison, that the lower strata of the proletariat are making fond usage of. In order not to make blind, they must first make a sifting through the bread; thereafter it will become safe! You do not touch these. I hope you make not grudge against me when I affirm that I see you, Joel, with one of these two, because I take you on as a part of Dostoyevski, to be maybe with angst and poetry or suicide, yes?

So this is what food is the excuse for in the Slavic places. If some of you survive unto Ukraine, Poland, Byelorussia or Russian Federation, you will make much use of my guidelines! And, as we say in my tongue: "Davay!"

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Comments:

Lyova! The world, it was so empty without you! I thank you for presenting to us these vodkas so lovingly and expertly, and for redefining food as liquid...

Posted by: freddy at May 3, 2005 4:34 PM

I agree with Freddy. Man, I strongly am desirous of some vodka at this moment.

Posted by: ritchey at May 3, 2005 4:47 PM

This post makes me feel deliciously melancholy. Like when Roberto Benigni in "Down by Law" wanders around saying, "it's a sad and beautiful world." Yes, my friend, it is. Pass the vodka.

Posted by: freddy at May 3, 2005 4:51 PM

Vodka is definitely one of my favorite liquors (right there with bourbon). My favorite is Vox, which I guess is Dutch.

Anyway, the Nemiroff Honey-Pepper variety sounds interesting, but I don't think that one student of Crash's would enjoy it very much.

Posted by: Eddie D. at May 3, 2005 4:53 PM

Dear Eddie, it strikes at me that this is the first moment we speak, no? So I wish you a very warm welcome among us! I read you make the expert from horse races also, and so I will interrogate you about this later, as I am very enthusiastic about it. In America you must not have the working horse yet, but we still do and they are commo sight over the countryside areas...

I am sorry if today I appear maybe a bit more serious and nostalgic but the past is become very present today and this hurts me...

I verify your Vox site (this one is alien to me) and, whereas I oftentimes have shunned the Western vodka, this one is maybe not terrible, because it has the 40%. Vodka must always have 40% for us. If it has less, then it is not worthy of her title! (Bear this in mind next time, even if it say 39%: it is not so good!)

Lyova Lyubov

Posted by: Lyova Lyubov at May 3, 2005 5:05 PM

A dear friend of mine is Polish and she keeps me supplied with Polmos Wodka Wyborowa. Lip smacking good.

Posted by: Lois at May 3, 2005 5:12 PM

*Applause*

Lyova, I was sceptical, but you are now on my radar. I was rapt by your post. Not only did you have me intrigued by your own tales to tell, you sent me on a sweet journey of reminiscence...

To the train that took me (when I was 16) between Moscow and what was then called Leningrad. A young English"man" plied me with lemon "wod-ka" in my tea. I had my first sexual experience on that night train almost 20 years ago when my breasts look like this.

Then, your prose whisked me away to more recent times....

Be careful my friend. You may soon have Joel moving in with you.

-kirsten

Posted by: kirsten at May 3, 2005 5:24 PM

very supreme lyova! please alert me if you were to ever teach the class... i'd certainly like to attend!

Posted by: james at May 3, 2005 6:17 PM

Lyova, I enjoyed your tails of vodka, I have enjoyed Zubrowka many times, also with apple juice as you suggest (but never with virgins).

I love your attitude, so embracive!

Posted by: Flex at May 3, 2005 7:23 PM

You are superlative darling.

xx

Posted by: mimi at May 3, 2005 7:27 PM

I'm really enjoying your writing style and am looking forward to future ultimate blogger entires. Carry on, sir!

Posted by: jude at May 3, 2005 8:21 PM

na zdorovye, lyova! (do they say that in belarus, too?) vodka is both the bullet and the firearm of love that goes straight to your heart. iz rossii c lyuboviu. mmmmmmmm....

Posted by: wise at May 3, 2005 9:06 PM

Darogi Wise!

Kak rodosno, shto ti pishyesh' pa ruski :-)
I enjoy your Kalashnikov, this is one that is truly bombastic, yes? The bullet variety I think as more commonplace. We must sample these imminently!

Yous,

Lyova Lyubov

Posted by: Lyova Lyubov at May 4, 2005 12:36 AM

I enjoy vodka. Congrats, again.
Your Friend,
Joel

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 1:33 AM

The New Yorker: The Borat Doctrine: Roman Vassilenko, the press secretary for the Embassy of Kazakhstan, wants to clear up a few misconceptions about his country. Women are not kept in cages. The national sport is not shooting a dog and then having a party. You cannot earn a living being a Gypsy catcher. Wine is not made from fermented horse urine. It is not customary for a man to grab another man’s khrum. “Khrum” is not the word for testicles.

It was partly Borat’s casual but relentless anti-Semitism that led Vassilenko to object publicly, in a letter to The Hill, a Washington weekly. (In real life, Borat's creator, Sacha Baron Cohen is an observant Jew, but the Anti-Defamation League also condemned him, arguing that “the irony may have been lost on some of the audience.”) “He says things that make people think that Kazakhstan really is a backward country,” Vassilenko said last week from his office in Washington. In Borat’s Kazakhstan, Jews attack people with their claws, and “Dirty Jew” is a popular film. [ more ]

The Roanoke Times: Rodeo in Salem gets unexpected song rendition: A man purportedly from Kazakhstan launched into a diatribe instead of "The Star-Spangled Banner." No one knows for sure who he was, that Middle Eastern man in an American flag shirt and a cowboy hat who was supposed to sing the national anthem at a rodeo Friday night in the Salem Civic Center. But he sure shook up this town before leaving in a hurry. He was said to be an immigrant touring America. A film crew was with him, doing some sort of documentary.

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 1:57 AM

El neoyorquino: La Doctrina de Borat: Vassilenko romano, el secretario de prensa para la Embajada de Kazajstán, las necesidades para aclarar unas pocas equivocaciones acerca de su país. Las mujeres no son mantenidas en jaulas. El deporte nacional no dispara un perro y entonces tiene un partido. Usted no puede ganarse la vida es un receptor gitano. El vino no se hace de la orina fermentada de caballo. No es de costumbre para un hombre para asir otro khrum de hombre. “Khrum” no es la palabra para testículos.

Era en parte Borat casual pero implacable antisemitismo que Vassilenko dirigido a oponerse públicamente, en una carta a La Colina, un Washington semanal. (En la vida diaria, creador de Borat, Barón de Sacha Cohen es un judío atento, pero la Liga Anti Difamación también lo condenó, discutiendo eso “la ironía se puede haber perdido en la parte de la audiencia. ”) “El dice que las cosas que hacen a personas piensan que Kazajstán es realmente un país atrasado,” Vassilenko dijo la semana pasada de su oficina en Washington. En el Borat Kazajstán, judíos atacan a personas con sus garras, y “Mancha a judío” es una película popular. [más]

Los Tiempos de Roanoke: Rodeo en Salem obtiene la interpretación inesperada de la canción: UN hombre supuestamente de Kazajstán emprendió una diatriba en vez de "La Bandera Estrella-Salpicado." Nadie sabe seguramente que él era, ese hombre Medio-oriental en una camisa Americana de la bandera y un sombrero de vaquero que se supuso de cantar el himno nacional en un rodeo la noche del viernes en el Salem el Centro Cívico. Pero él seguro agitó este pueblo antes de salir apurado. El fue dicho ser un inmigrante que viaja América. Un equipo cinematográfico estaba con él, haciendo algún tipo de documental.

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 2:02 AM

Le New-yorkais : La Doctrine de Borat : Vassilenko romain, l'attaché de presse pour l'Ambassade de Kazakhstan, les besoins pour éclaircir en haut quelques idées fausses de son pays. Les femmes ne sont pas gardées dans les cages. Le sport national ne tire pas un chien et ayant alors un parti. Vous ne pouvez pas gagner la vie êtes un preneur de Gitan. Le vin n'est pas fait de l'urine de cheval fermentée. Ce n'est pas coutumier pour un homme pour s'emparer d'un autre khrum de l'homme. “Khrum” n'est pas le mot pour les testicules.

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 2:04 AM

Porque estas escribiendo en español pelotudo? No entiendo nada de este competición, ustedes todos son locos, y yo incluido. Huh. Cansado. Voy a dormir.

Posted by: Mimi at May 4, 2005 3:52 AM

Lyova,

Does May 23rd, 2007 mean anything to you? Something about the depth of witt...maybe I'm just a conspiracy theorist.

Posted by: Don at May 4, 2005 4:21 AM

Because these writing in spanish pelotudo? I do not understand anything of this competition, you all they are lunatics, and I included. Huh. Tired. I am going to sleep.

Aww, sweetie!

Posted by: Mimi at May 4, 2005 6:39 AM

That's a very bad translation whoever did that, but thanks anyway.

Congrats my darling Lyova. I just hope that we don't get parted by the politics of the competition after so short a time together.

The date was crap.

mimix

Posted by: mimi at May 4, 2005 8:55 AM

Hey Don,
I think May 23d is the day of my community's
buisness ethics lunch discussion. Even my rebe wanted me to attend... It's a conspiracy !

Posted by: boggart at May 4, 2005 9:47 AM

may 23rd 2007 is my girlfriends 28th birthday

Posted by: james at May 4, 2005 9:51 AM

may 23rd 2007 is my girlfriends 28th birthday, and the day before my 25th...

Posted by: james at May 4, 2005 9:51 AM

Lyova, I sincerely congratulate you. Your entry was truly the best one. At least now we know we can trust the judges' judgment. Well played, my friend. I think you and Mimi and I should form an alliance, and I swear to god if you don't email me at senatorritchey@gmail.com you'll live to regret it.

Posted by: ritchey at May 4, 2005 9:56 AM

this is the most amazing blog entry i have ever read. well done.

Posted by: audrey f. at May 4, 2005 10:04 AM

may 23rd, 2007 will be my 22nd birthday!

Posted by: anders at May 4, 2005 11:48 AM

Anyone who compares me to, as Lyova says "Dostoyevski" can be my comrade. Just to clear it up for you, though, I am a poet, but never suicidal, or angry.

Love,
Joel Conrad Bechtolt

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 12:01 PM