Meet Mimi - The walking, talking English chick
Posted on: May 17, 2005 4:00 PM
Press the right buttons and she even cusses at you.
I'm a slob-out-in-combats, don't-wash-your-hair, never-wear-make-up kind of girl, which means that my present employment, in which you become the product, has introduced me to a whole realm of creams, dyes, waxes and preening of which I have previously been unaware.
My beauty initiation began when one of the dancers took me discreetly aside the other day and handed me a business card of a certain midtown salon. What better way to spend a Sunday than with legs splayed and arms akimbo, whilst a 300 pound Russian lady called Olga expertly rips out the hairs from your entire pubic region, simultaneously peppering the whimpers of pain by grunting, "Come Mammie, be brave Mammie, I no wanna hear crying from you Mammie." Whether Mammie was me, or she was referring to herself in the third person I was unable to ascertain, and our conversation never reached a level at which I felt comfortable enough to enquire. Ten minutes of pain for a smooth, hair-free pussy just ripe for Pimping Pussies, the club where I work. It hurts like hell when I pee. But damn it looks good, albeit a tad pre-pubescent. After the Brazilian, I ventured forth into the 'Mystic Tan' booth, which involved standing in a cubicle for thirty seconds and being sprayed with some kind of venomous chemical produce which takes about 6 hours to develop into a bronzed, golden glow. For the first-timer, an informative ten minute video was provided, which was only enhanced by Olga's conjunctive narrative. "You see Mammie, must hold fingers loose by sides. I go drink the vodka. You good Mammie?"
By the time I turned up for work at the office, I was an elegant sun-kissed brown. By the time I left work at 2am, I noticed a few strange glances from people on the subway, which culminated, by the time I reach 14 Street Union Square, with out-and-out hysterical laughter and finger pointing. When I reached home, I realised this was because my Mystic Tan had moved on from elegant sun-kissed brown, to lurid dayglo satsuma. A worrying phenomenon. I was later informed by a wise friend that one is intended to halt the bronzing process at the desired shade by showering immediately. Olga, perhaps absent-minded through excessive vodka consumption, had failed to inform me of this fact. Hair free and satsuma-ed, the next step was the prevention of ingrowing hairs. Every woman who has dabbled with waxing knows that the real test of a good wax commences when hair grows back, and your smooth pubic region develops into sore, volcanic eruptions. Reminiscent of a bad venereal disease, this is hardly conducive to seducing clients into the Champagne Room. For the small fee of $20, Olga introduced me to the dancer's secret weapon - Tend Skin Solution. Dab on with some cotton wool once a day for five days, and voila, hair regrows in its intended path. What Olga failed to mention to me is that Tend Skin Solution is comprised of a vehement acidic solution which attacks your already tender pubic region with the ferocity of a flame-thrower. So now I'm primped and preened, and ready for the Strip-Club, $100 poorer and with several new products lining my bathroom shelves.
Once in the strip club, the frame of your body is plied with more products as if you've become a paint-by-numbers board. Baby oil for that erotic, glistening look. Clinique Moisturiser. Clinique foundation. Heavy Powder to combat shine under the stage lights. Fake eyelashes applied with ominous looking pincers. Smoky eyeshadow. Concealer on any stray bruises or dark shadows, or for the fake-tittied, to hide their op scars from roving male eyes. Hair is straightened, or fluffed up into a slutty, just-tumbled-out-of-bed look. Next a slinky polyester number is slipped on - dancers' dresses are not renowned for their quality or taste. The most desirable designs are those which favor ease of removal and cheap thrills. Sore, city-stained feet are hastily pedicured and squeezed into punishing six-inch heels, preferably transparent. Your personality is hidden beneath a veneer of false aesthetics, and to complete the transformation into a working, marketable product, you take on a new name.
Mine was 'Mimi'.
I don't know what to say, but I've been described as talkative.
So you're personnally the new product of your own entry... Scary. Or no, sorry. Rather : you've been disembodied into a new product, and some other half of you got incarnated into 21st century wildest writer. Terrifying. Terrific.
Hey people, ever told you about the time I drank some white spirit? A few drops actually, but it felt strong.
Just like this little text of yours.
Posted by: boggart at May 17, 2005 5:04 PM
Are you purposedly experimenting chemicals on yourself? Granma Boggart's advice : Any drastic steps within the boundaries of your own body should be matched by equal care for it some other time.
Posted by: boggart at May 17, 2005 5:05 PM
I got the Mystic Tan last weekend myself, as a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding
I felt like I now have some inkling of what a gas chamber may be like, except (unfortunately) one is still alive after the Mystic Tan. My mistake was taking a surprised gasp as soon as the machine started hosing down my face.
I didn't have the satsuma problem though, probably because I went for the "medium" setting. Some of the other girls wound up with orange hands though.
I'm still scared of Brazilian waxes.
Posted by: karina at May 17, 2005 6:18 PM
So Mimi....this is what is awaiting me if I come forth to USA?
It is really awesome primo post, even withstanding the photos. I much enjoyed these comic interractions with Olga and am once again happy you are in these circles of Slavic peoples.
But it does however pinch me more and more that this life that you engage yourself in is not a whimsical or for the delicates... Tell me, how do you envisage the future eras? Will you pursue these trends for long? Is it the passing experiment? Is it only for lack of currencies? I would take interest from you if you tell me these things.
Love,
Lyova Lyubov
Posted by: Lyova Lyubov at May 17, 2005 8:16 PM
Also these tanning fakes. In my regions the rich biznesmans dispense their currencies in Solarium, where they lay under ultra violets every week. But it is mostly the peasant classes that would-be biznessmans that use these creams. And they look orange also. And it is poor taste I think. It is all top class fashion in present era but I still think it looks like peasant (not like solarium, which is primo, yes?)
Posted by: Lyova Lyubov at May 17, 2005 8:20 PM
Ah, the joys of waxing and regrowth.
Tend Skin is truly a wonderful solution to ingrowns though one must never get it to close to your, ahem, product as it stings like the dickens.
Cheers for the laughs...
Beauty is pain!
Posted by: J at May 17, 2005 8:33 PM
at least your ass didn't come out too orange in that photo. i love awesome body parts! yow!
Posted by: j bomb at May 18, 2005 12:06 PM
Hmm, more mimi talking about herself. BIG surprise. Also, some of us are at work here...coulda done without the ass shot.
Posted by: Carin G at May 18, 2005 2:45 PM
hey carin
go fuck yourself you middle class privileged white bitch. work? ha. Did mummy and daddy set that up for you? when you've worked 70 hour weeks then feel free to crtiicise. until that time, fuck off and watch Fox news baby.
Posted by: mimi at May 18, 2005 9:25 PM
hey Carin- do u only read Mimi's post? did u fail to notice at least 2 of the other girls making themselves an integral part of their offering? Willow and Ritchey WITHOUT FAIL include pictures of themselves in their posts. Nothing wrong with that, its nice to see women being bold and imaginative, and a blog is after all, an online diary. Its basically a site one can dedicate to oneself.
Before being such a bitter creature perhaps u should have a little think about what a blog is, its power and attraction to others, and also think about why YOU log on and read Mimi's and everyone else's posts each day. And if its such an issue, perhaps u could restrain the overwhelming desire to log on in work, and save it for playtime.
And if youre still being a grumpy old sod, then I suggest prozac AND A LIFE.
Posted by: piu piu (unemployed) at May 19, 2005 2:08 AM
i disagree with yawn and carin. i am glad mimi talks about herself, because she is a very interesting person, and your own life and experiences are the best source of material. also, i think mikey, steve, and jona make the call on what is except-able for this website. if they didn't like the photo, they would have made the work-safe link as they did with lyova's post. plus, i hardly expect mimi feels compelled to prove her intellect on a blog. id much rather read her post again then open a latin dictionary to find clever ways to prove mine.
Posted by: james at May 19, 2005 2:51 AM
Yawn- youre making ME yawn. Anyone who has enough time to preach bitterness and hatred quite so vehemently on the net MUST be a sad case. Mimi has abviously shaken u up enough to repeatedly log on and form an opinion. If youre half as bored as u claim to be, I doubt you'd even muster the energy to keep updated, let alone reading on and attacking Mimi's work.
And anyone who has to resort to a dead language in a vain attempt to prove their intellectual superiority over someone in the public eye they are quite clearly jealous of, is a very ridiculous figure. You want an intellect competition? audition for mastermind. Or go ask your parents to reassure you, 'cause i can't believe anyone else would.
You remind me very much of someone else I have encountered recently on Mimi's own site. A retard by the name of 'Mark' , who often goes by the witty and brave pseudo-name, 'anonymous'.....
Posted by: piu piu (unemployed) at May 19, 2005 4:11 AM
ps. 'yawn'- i believe it should be 'your entry' not 'you're'.
so before u start attempting to wrestle with a dead language, maybe try get a grip on a live one. yeh?
Posted by: piu piu (unemployed) at May 19, 2005 4:14 AM
just so dudes know, i deleted a comment by yawn which everyone is talking about. the ultimate blogger is not going to be another venue for someone to stalk and verbally berate any of our contestants.
Posted by: Steve Schroeder at May 19, 2005 4:38 AM
Hey Mimi, maybe you shouldn't make assumptions about my race (Latina) what I do for a living (non-profit children's organization) or how hard I worked to get here (I've had my share of 70 hour weeks, too). I'm not putting down what you do, I'm merely offering the opinion that the ass shot was used for shock value and I don't think it adds much to the post.
Posted by: Carin G at May 19, 2005 6:44 AM
mimi, you could question mr. mark for you next challenge.
sorry... bad pun.
Posted by: james at May 19, 2005 7:10 AM
so it is not acceptable for the audience to
'verbally berate any of our contestants'
but it is okay for contestants to verbally berate the audience, make racial slurs and gross misassumptions:
'hey carin
go fuck yourself you middle class privileged white bitch....'
?
seems a bit off.
Posted by: frank at May 19, 2005 7:44 AM
frank- hhmm. maybe. but carin's initial comment was pretty rude, and i'd say unnecessary. i think the post deleted was from mimi's virtual stalker who is out and out unpleasant. she has had more than her share of weird 'anon' assuming different identities in order to nastily deride her...she probly drunkenly assumed it was the same person...
Posted by: piu piu at May 19, 2005 8:56 AM
Steve, thanks for explaining that you deleted a comment, because now it looks like Mimi is responding way over the top to a bitchy but not out of line comment. I was really confused.
Posted by: freddy at May 19, 2005 9:15 AM
I just want to second or third all the supportive comments (even though i'm days behind).... since apparently not everyone totally dug it. I thought this post was amazing because it did just what it was supposed to, that is described mimi's experience with a new-to-her-and-also-to-me product, while at the same time being completely in the same style and subject as her blog (namely, an introspective picture of her life trying to make ends meet in new york).
What's wrong with that? that's what bloggers do; that's why we like blogs.
Posted by: robin at May 19, 2005 9:51 AM
Piu Piu, I admit I'm forming opinions without all the information because I didn't see the other message before it got deleted. But having said that, I agree with Frank here. Carin's initial comment wasn't near the same level of rudeness as Mimi's response. Carin made an (albeit snide) observation on a trend in Mimi's posts, not about her character. Mimi responded with profanity and racial slurs.
Posted by: enjanerd at May 19, 2005 9:52 AM
I think Piu Piu is very right--it's extremely unfair that Mimi gets this rap for talking about herself all the time, when many other people in this contest also do this (most notably: myself). It's a blog! you talk about your life! Mimi's life is very different than mine, and this is why I like to read her writing. Plus, why is Mimi berated for writing about sex so much, when someone like Lyova is universally adored? They BOTH deserve universal adulation, and I think the only reason they don't get it is because Mimi is a girl, and people secretly think that girls shouldn't write like this. If I am wrong, I will be open to suggestion, but this is what I am thinking.
Posted by: ritchey at May 19, 2005 9:56 AM
Hey
A new morning, a hangover, lots of shame. Sorry guys. That was rude of me. Sorry Carin. Log onto my 'real' blog and check out the freak throwing shit at me there. I always try not to respond, but sometimes, especially when your defences are weakened by alcohol, it gets to you. I lost control and it was unnecessary and mean of me to make those assumptions about you. I can't help thinking if there's a mean comment it's from virtual stalker in another of his different guises, and I should have checked and didn't. Please accept my apologies.
Posted by: mimi at May 19, 2005 10:02 AM
Ritchey -- I agree that it's unfair Mimi's getting singled out for talking about herself when that's what blogs are built on. But as far as the focus on sex, I'm more put off by Lyova's posts than Mimi's (at least Mimi objectifies herself, whereas Lyova objectifies others). Still, they can write about whatever they feel like. I understand how a mouse works and keep scrolling along if I'm not interested.
Pictures are a little different though. A thumbnail or a cut-tag for some of the pictures would be considerate for the people following along at work or who aren't interested in looking at porn first thing in the morning. But that's just a request. I can see why her picture was an integral part of her entry though. I'm just careful to turn off images on my browser before loading up this site now.
Mimi -- Just took a look over at your blog... I can understand now why your anger got misdirected. What a jerk.
Posted by: enjanerd at May 19, 2005 10:32 AM
I love this post. I think it is BOLD.
The Ultimate Blogger is no PG-13, prime-time reality show! No bleeping out swear words like in Britney Spears' new show!
Honestly, what's the big deal with Mimi posting her ass? Nothing like a bronzed booty to get people all riled up..
Posted by: Sarah at May 19, 2005 12:20 PM
can i just say that "white" is not a racial slur.
and yes, the contestants are more protected than the commenters. the contestants have put themselves out there and our giving us so much hard work.
the majority of the mean commenters are just bored jerks with nothing better to do than to rip on people who are trying hard at something.
Posted by: Steve Schroeder at May 19, 2005 12:24 PM
WHOA!
Posted by: ritchey at May 17, 2005 4:55 PM