Posted on: May 3, 2005 11:03 PM
The whole bathroom was pink and white. It looked like a cross between a Jackson Pollack painting, and a Rorschach test. I had just projectile vomited wine, everywhere. That day, was today. Right about 6 AM, but don't ask me, I'm a liar. I said: "Oh shit, Sara, I just puked everywhere." Now know this: In my mind, I put this poor girl through hell as it is. I wake the poor thing up at all hours of the night with stories, questions, rants, and raves. All this, and she has to be to school today at ten sharp.
Fast forward to right now: It is 9:30 PM on Tuesday, May the third, 2005, and I'm watching Dr. House on Fox, one of my favorites, while rubbing Sara's feet. I Iove Sara. I am drinking a beer, Sara is drinking wine out of a plastic cup. Our belly's are nice and full with pizza from across the street, pepperoni pizza. We love food.
I'm sorry, back to this morning. I was full of shit. And wine. And of myself. Here I was thinking: "poor Sara, she's getting up too early". Turns out she's a saint. Good thing, too, living with some one so full of shit. We're all full of shit.
Speaking of shit, Sara's got a story about shit. It goes like this: Sara worked in a group home for the mentally and physically handicapped. One of the folks she took care of was spending an awfully long amount of time in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet and laughing. The laughing stopped. Sara thought she ought to poke her head in, and see what was up. The woman had taken a shit in the toilet, used her fingers to take it out of the toilet and was eating her own shit. Smiling and drooling and eating her own shit. Sara put on her rubber glove, got a toothbrush and toothpaste, and did her best to reverse the shit eating process. As the blue toothpaste mixed with the brown shit in a sort of slurry that ran down the client's chin, Sara had to laugh at the fact that she had witnessed a literal shit eating grin.
How fucking funny is that. And how perfect of a story for a challenge regarding food and eating, as well as a contest full of people that are full of shit. Aren't we all?
I suppose I could have posted some recipes. I got lots of those. For instance, did you guys know that simply using a can of ordinary (not diet) soda for a marinade for beef, chicken, tofu, or whatever, totally works. Give it a shot and email me the results.
I suppose I could have told you about interesting dining experiences with cool and famous people. I got lots of those. Like the time I wasn't prepared for Portland's First Thursday monthly "art experience", but was also living in a loft/ gallery that required you to be open to the public once a month in order to retain your subsidized low rent, and I was stumped. So here's what I did. My soon later to be wife and I cleaned the place up, she set the table all swank, I cooked up some cool stuff, we invited a couple friends over, opened the shades exposing NW Broadway to our set-up. Put a sign on the window (well printed) that read: "Family Eating Dinner" as though the folks outside were witnessing a "live art project". Ha! Suckers. It was a hit.
I could tell you all that, and if you ask, I will tell you.
Just Remember, you are what you eat. I am birds, I am cows. I am a pig. I am a pussy. On certain days, I am a vegetable. On all days, I am Joel Conrad Bechtolt, The Utimate Blogger.
Love you guys, thanks for playing.