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Eat Shit. by Joel

Posted on: May 3, 2005 11:03 PM

IMG_6453.jpg

The whole bathroom was pink and white. It looked like a cross between a Jackson Pollack painting, and a Rorschach test. I had just projectile vomited wine, everywhere. That day, was today. Right about 6 AM, but don't ask me, I'm a liar. I said: "Oh shit, Sara, I just puked everywhere." Now know this: In my mind, I put this poor girl through hell as it is. I wake the poor thing up at all hours of the night with stories, questions, rants, and raves. All this, and she has to be to school today at ten sharp.

Fast forward to right now: It is 9:30 PM on Tuesday, May the third, 2005, and I'm watching Dr. House on Fox, one of my favorites, while rubbing Sara's feet. I Iove Sara. I am drinking a beer, Sara is drinking wine out of a plastic cup. Our belly's are nice and full with pizza from across the street, pepperoni pizza. We love food.

I'm sorry, back to this morning. I was full of shit. And wine. And of myself. Here I was thinking: "poor Sara, she's getting up too early". Turns out she's a saint. Good thing, too, living with some one so full of shit. We're all full of shit.

Speaking of shit, Sara's got a story about shit. It goes like this: Sara worked in a group home for the mentally and physically handicapped. One of the folks she took care of was spending an awfully long amount of time in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet and laughing. The laughing stopped. Sara thought she ought to poke her head in, and see what was up. The woman had taken a shit in the toilet, used her fingers to take it out of the toilet and was eating her own shit. Smiling and drooling and eating her own shit. Sara put on her rubber glove, got a toothbrush and toothpaste, and did her best to reverse the shit eating process. As the blue toothpaste mixed with the brown shit in a sort of slurry that ran down the client's chin, Sara had to laugh at the fact that she had witnessed a literal shit eating grin.

How fucking funny is that. And how perfect of a story for a challenge regarding food and eating, as well as a contest full of people that are full of shit. Aren't we all?

I suppose I could have posted some recipes. I got lots of those. For instance, did you guys know that simply using a can of ordinary (not diet) soda for a marinade for beef, chicken, tofu, or whatever, totally works. Give it a shot and email me the results.

I suppose I could have told you about interesting dining experiences with cool and famous people. I got lots of those. Like the time I wasn't prepared for Portland's First Thursday monthly "art experience", but was also living in a loft/ gallery that required you to be open to the public once a month in order to retain your subsidized low rent, and I was stumped. So here's what I did. My soon later to be wife and I cleaned the place up, she set the table all swank, I cooked up some cool stuff, we invited a couple friends over, opened the shades exposing NW Broadway to our set-up. Put a sign on the window (well printed) that read: "Family Eating Dinner" as though the folks outside were witnessing a "live art project". Ha! Suckers. It was a hit.

I could tell you all that, and if you ask, I will tell you.

Just Remember, you are what you eat. I am birds, I am cows. I am a pig. I am a pussy. On certain days, I am a vegetable. On all days, I am Joel Conrad Bechtolt, The Utimate Blogger.

Love you guys, thanks for playing.

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Comments:

Totally worth the wait!

Posted by: TUBM at May 3, 2005 11:47 PM

I just arose out of abyss of sleep and this make me much overjoy.

Good mornings to you!

Lyova Lyubov

Posted by: Lyova Lyubov at May 3, 2005 11:59 PM

You're not shitless!!! But, you're an awfully neat guy for posting such a lovely comment so close to early in the AM. If this coming morning is a repeat of today's, it will be 6 AM and more wine puke sprayed about our bathroom. I'm in for a treat.

Posted by: Sara Nan Nokes at May 4, 2005 12:02 AM

Thanks Borat, Good morning!

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 12:04 AM

Alcoholism is funny!

Posted by: Jona at May 4, 2005 12:15 AM

Just what Steve and Mike meant... definitely not a boring food story. Good job, Dole Pineapple.

Posted by: Mazzo at May 4, 2005 12:17 AM

i saw jona drunk once

Posted by: Adam Forkner at May 4, 2005 12:44 AM

Jona is just trying to be funny. We all suffer from arrested development, in one way or another. Thanks for sticikn' up, though, Mr Forkner. I appreciate you, and your music.

-Joel

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 12:55 AM

My boys drink??

Posted by: Karen at May 4, 2005 12:56 AM

UT OH.

Posted by: Jona at May 4, 2005 1:03 AM

Tis true Mama. Sorry bout dat. But Tupac said it better. Here goes:

When I was young, me and my mama had beef
17 years old kicked out on tha streets
though back in tha time, I never thought I'd see her face
ain't a woman alive that can take my momma's place
suspended from school, scared ta go home
I was a fool with tha big boys breaking all tha rules
shed tears with my baby sister
over tha years we wuz poorer than tha other little kids
and even though we had different daddies
tha same drama when things went wrong we blamed mama
I reminised on tha stress I caused, it wuz hell
hugg'en on my mama from a jail cell
and who'ed think in elementary, heeeey i'd see tha penitentiary
One day
running from tha Police, that's right
Momma catch me--put a whoop'en to my backside
and even as a crack fiend mama,
ya always was a black queen mama
I finally understand for a woman
it ain't easy--trying ta raise a man
ya always wuz commited, a poor single mother on welfare,
tell me how ya did it
there's no way I can pay ya back
but tha plan is ta show ya that I understand.
you are appreciated......

Chorus
Laaaaady, don't cha know we luv ya
Sweeeet Laaaady, place no one above ya
Sweeeet Laaaady, don't cha know we luv ya

Ain't nobody tell us it wuz fair
no luv for my daddy, cause tha coward wuzn't there
he passed away and I didn't cry
cause my anger, wouldn't let me feel for a stranger
they say i'm wrong and i'm heartless
but all along I wuz looking for a father--he wuz gone
I hung around with tha thug's and even though they sold drugs
they showed a young brother luv
I moved out and started really hang'in
I needed money of my own so I started slang'in
I ain't guilty cause, even though I sell rocks
It feels good, putting money in your mailbox
I love paying rent when tha rents due
I hope ya got tha diamond necklace that I sent to you
cause when I wuz low, you was there for me
ya never left me alone, cause ya cared for me
and I can see ya coming home after work late
ya in tha kitchen trying ta fix us a hot plate
just working with tha scraps you wuz given
and mama made miracles every Thanksgiving
but now tha road got rough, your alone
trying ta raise two bad kids on your own
and there's no way I can pay ya back
but my plan is ta show ya that I understand
you are appreciated.....

Chorus
Laaaaady, don't cha know we luv ya
Sweeeet Laaaady, place no one above ya
Sweeeet Laaaady, don't cha know we luv ya

pour out some liquor and I reminisce
cause through tha drama, I can always depend on my mama
and when it seems that i'm hopeless
you say tha words that can get me back in focus
when I wuz sick as a little kid
ta keep me happy theres no limit to tha things ya did
and all my childhood memories
are full of all tha sweet things ya did for me
and even though I act craaaazy
I gottta thank tha Lord that ya maaaade me
There are no words that can express how I feel
Ya never kept a secret, always stayed real
and I appreciate how ya raised me
and all tha extra love that ya gave me
I wish I could take tha pain away
If you can make it through tha night, there's a brighter day
everything'll be alright if ya hold on
it's a struggle
everyday gotta roll on
and there's no way I can pay ya back
but my plan is ta show ya that I understand
you are appreciated.......

Chorus
Laaaaady, don't cha know we luv ya
Sweeeet Laaaady, place no one above ya
Sweeeet Laaaady, don't cha know we luv ya, Sweeeet Laaaady

Laaaady...[fades]...Laaaady

Dear Mama, by the late, great Tupac Shakur. R.I.P.

Good Stuff.

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 1:07 AM

Even better than that:

Sometimes I just feel like
Quitting I still might
Why do I put up this fight?
Why do I still write?
Sometimes it's hard enough just dealing with real life
Sometimes I wanna jump on stage and just kill mics
And show these people what my level of skill's like
But I'm still white
Sometimes I just hate life
Something ain't right
Hit the brake lights
Case of the stage fright
Drawing a blank like
(blabbering)
It ain't my fault
Great big eye balls
My insides crawl
And I clam up
I just slam shut
I just can't do it
My whole manhood's just been stripped
I have just been ripped
So I must then get
Off the bus then split
Man fuck this shit
Yo, I'm going the fuck home
Rolling my shoulders as I run back to this 8 Mile Road

I'm a man
I'ma make a new plan
Time for me to just stand up and travel new land
Time for me to just take matters into my own hands
Once I'm over these tracks, man I'ma never look back
And I'm gone
I know right where I'm going
Sorry, momma, I'm grown
I must travel alone
Ain't gon' follow no footsteps I'm making my own
Only way that I know how to escape from this 8 Mile Road

Walking these train tracks
Tryin to regain back
The spirit I had 'fore I go back to the same crap
To the same plant
And the same pants
Tryin to chase rap
Gotta move ASAP
Get a new plan
Momma's got a new man
Poor little baby sister, she don't understand
Sits in front of the TV buries her nose in her pad
And just colors until the crayon gets dull in her hand
While she colors a big brother, a mother and dad
Ain't no telling what really goes on in her little head
Wish I could be the daddy that neither one of us had
But I keep running from something I never wanted so bad
Sometimes I get upset cuz I ain't blew up yet
It's like a grew up but I ain't grow me two nuts yet
Don't got a rep, my step
Don't got enough pep
The pressure's too much, man I'm just tryin to do what's best
And I try
Sit alone and I cry
Yo I won't tell no lie
Not a moment goes by
That I don't pray to the sky
Please, I'm beggin you God
Please don't let me be pigeon holed in no regular job
Yo I hope you can hear me homie wherever you are
Yo, I'm telling you dog I'm bailing this trailer tomorrow
Tell my mother I love her, kiss baby sister goodbye
Say whenever you need me, baby, I'm never too far
But yo I gotta get out there the only way I know
And I'ma be back for you the second that I blow
On everything I own
I'll make it on my own
Off to work I go
Back to this 8 Mile Road

-Eminem, "I'm Sorry Momma"

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 1:16 AM

I am happy to be alive. Good Morning, all!
Joel

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 3:03 AM

this is an amazing entry.

Posted by: ritchey at May 4, 2005 8:54 AM

LEGIT.

LV
KS

Posted by: ksouth at May 4, 2005 8:56 AM

Nice post, Joel. Good story. I like stories about things most people don't experience, but are not infrequent experiences. Having been a nurse's aide at one point, a lot of people don't realize that jobs actually involving excrement are so much worse than ones involving metaphorical crap.

Thanks for the story, Sara!

-k

Posted by: kirsten at May 4, 2005 9:59 AM

This blog is not funny enough to be that gross. This entry was like: "Gross gross gross, funny right?" Tacky.

Posted by: Kelly at May 4, 2005 11:14 AM

Kelly,
I'm sorry you didn't like it. I'm guessing you might be stupid, and often miss points. That's ok, we can still be friends, I just can't put my dick into you until you shape up.

Your Pal,
Joel

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 11:38 AM

aw..i'm hurt, but I respect your thoughtful response. Can't wait for round 2!

Posted by: Kelly at May 4, 2005 11:45 AM

Kelly,
I never mean to be mean, just a little scathing. It has always worked for me. My intention was to tell a story about life, love, and most importantly, honesty. Sometimes that means being gross. Plus, if you watch the video challenge from this round, I did what they told me. And the first part of winning a game, is following the rules. I can't wait for round two, either. Should be great, the dudes putting it on are pretty damn smart.

Love,
Joel

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 11:53 AM

No, shit, it's gross. People do stuff like that in group homes and other people get paid shit to deal with it. Thanks again for posting about it Joel.

It's not funny, Kelly. Get a grip.

-kirsten

Posted by: kirsten at May 4, 2005 12:49 PM

oh man, i think you'll win the ULTIMATE JACKASS contest for sure!

Posted by: james at May 4, 2005 3:50 PM

Joel,
You sure like the sound of your own voice, don't you? If the contest is judged on how many times one tries to be intelligent but at the same time witty about one's own post, or even ion how to be as sleazy as possible each time a female posts a comment, you're a sure fire winner. Otherwise, you're an ass.

Posted by: Ron at May 4, 2005 6:54 PM

Ron,
Eat my shorts. I don't speak unfairly to women, do you? Uneducated dickhead, you, "Ron". Did I say "Eat my shorts?"
Bite me.
-Joel

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 9:05 PM

different james... again... don't want to confuse you joel. but i do agree with him as far as your comment to Sonny is concerned.

Posted by: james at May 4, 2005 10:36 PM

Thank you, James. I need all the support I can get.
Love,
Joel

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 4, 2005 10:53 PM

Holy shit. How did I miss this comment?

I've always had a special place in my heart for dear mama." The part where Tupac sings, "even when ya was a crack fiend/ya always was a black queen" hits me right there, ya know what I'm sayin'.

Anyone who would sing that to his mother, even on the Interweb, deserves to stay in the game. You rock, for reals.

Posted by: Don at May 5, 2005 5:20 AM

Yeah, man. I totally agree, that's why I posted those lyrics. My Mom and I were having problems over the last 48hrs, and, as good of a writer as I am, I think those two guys, Tupac and Eminem, currently can say it better than me. Thank god for them. I love my mom. Communication based on honesty will solve everything. I hope we all will do the best we can at all times. Thanks for the comment.

-Joel

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 5, 2005 5:33 AM

28 years ago, today, the love of my life was born. Sara Nan Nokes. It's my girlfriend's birthday. If anyone out there knows Tom Nokes, or Nancy Taranoff, please tell them thanks for me because they made a beautiful girl. A girl beautiful in each, and every way.

Currently Crying With Joy,
Joel Conrad Bechtolt

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 5, 2005 5:45 AM

One o f the cool things, besides the line "even when ya was a crack fiend/ya always was a black queen" is the fact that Tupac Shakur's Mom was a Black Panther, who gave birth to him in prison. Wow. I guess that's one way legends are born.

Love to All Ladies, All The Time,
Joel Conrad Bechtolt

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 5, 2005 6:07 AM

One of the cool things, besides the line "even when ya was a crack fiend/ya always was a black queen" is the fact that Tupac Shakur's Mom was a Black Panther, who gave birth to him in prison. Wow. I guess that's one way legends are born.

Love to All Ladies, All The Time,
Joel Conrad Bechtolt

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 5, 2005 6:07 AM

One of the cool things, besides the line "even when ya was a crack fiend/ya always was a black queen", is the fact that Tupac Shakur's Mom was a Black Panther, who gave birth to him in prison. Wow. I guess that's one way legends are born.

Love to All Ladies, All The Time,
Joel Conrad Bechtolt

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 5, 2005 6:09 AM

I'm not sure who said :

"In an effort to curb malicious comment posting by abusive users, I've enabled a feature that requires a weblog commenter to wait a short amount of time before being able to post again. Please try to post your comment again in a short while. Thanks for your patience."

But I gotta say: How dare you? Spontaneity and variety are the spice of any happy life. If you're gonna be a cop, up in this piece, integrate a simple spell checker into your posting shizz. Till then, dig on your censorship.

Not Mad, Or In Need Of A "Time Out",
Joel Conrad Bechtolt

PS: Very disappointed, gentleman.
PPS: "Think before you speak" is calling everyone out here dummies. Nice guys don't call people dummies. Good try, though.

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 5, 2005 6:21 AM