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Dinner at Mimi's by Mimi

Posted on: May 3, 2005 9:15 AM

So my first 'ultimate blogger' challenge has been assigned as writing about food. I protest. I survive largely on a diet of bagels purchased from Faidr at the Convenience Store, cigarettes and tea. Excessive cups of tea. Occasionally I'll break out and go for the bourgeois luxury of a can of beans, followed by the altogether risque option of stealing my roommate's Ben & Jerry's. I have become an expert at delicately scooping off the first initial inch of ice cream and reforming the layers below into an identical sculpture, so that one is totally unable to perceive the theft. Sometimes, if I'm really desperate, I'll munch on the kitty-kat treats set aside for our communal cat. I have found that combined with taste buds destroyed by nicotine, they have a taste and a texture akin to Japanese Rice Crackers.


In the grand scheme of things (illegality, poverty, lack of sex), a varying diet is the least of my concerns. Faced with the option of nutritious, tasty food or a pint of beer, I'll go the beer route. A constant hangover, I have discovered, has the pleasant and beneficial side effect of eliminating any kind of appetite I may once have entertained. Food for the soul baby. Oh yeah.

But all this talk of food leads me onto the altogether more flavorsome topic, How to Eat Someone Out, as opposed to Eating Out. I met Carlos from Queens last night, one time shag now become male best friend, for an in-depth analysis of this topic. Men, I have recently discovered, have been reading Cosmopolitan far too much recently, and their liberation is both a blessing and a curse. Having located the g-spot, their appetites have been whetted, and the taboo of rimming, once purely an arena for the adventurous, the Cuba of sexual destinations, has opened up and started a democratic fan base anyone can join. Rimming has become the Prime Rib on one's a la carte menu.

Every guy now wants to stick his tongue up one's derriere. What has McDonald's done to the nation's taste buds? Why is a packet of Cheeto's no longer sufficient? I have discussed this topic previously with my ex-roommate and honorary prick Raoul. Whilst a human bidet can be a useful attribute for any relationship, the thought of my nether regions being hoovered out with the gusto of an energetic tongue wielded like a lawn strimmer doesn't immediately make me wet and dripping with lust. Unlike, incidentally, the rather gorgeous picture of the delectable Lyova sporting an impressive boner, which I have placed for maximum effect above my bed, on my porn hall of fame, which also includes portraits of Chancellor Kohl (Hot!Hot!Hot!) and the little fat kid from The Goonies. No, I'm an old fashioned girl. Perhaps I would be more amenable to the idea if I cast off my repression and learned to love my anus with the same deep affection with which I regard my daily victuals of cigarettes and beer. To this end, I propose the inauguration of a 'Respect Your Anus' Day, which I hope will culminate in everyone throwing aside their prejudices, putting dinner on hold, and progressing from the first orifice (passe darling) onto that exciting, oily and rich pooper hole where few venture.

I'm not convincing myself. Indeed, the peanut butter crackers I ate for breakfast are in danger of a rapid reappearance, hastened on by my imminent hangover. I've found many things in life vomit-inducing recently. Stephanie Klein's repulsively onanistic blog, which has just been sold for a six figure sum, followed by the small child on the subway who excreted some really nasty boogers onto my bagel the other day, plus of course, Republicans, and Right Wing Christians, who keep sending me emails exhorting me to 'pray for them'. Well, who the fuck's praying for me? I want to know. Prioritise, for fuck's sake.

I'm going out for dinner with a man tonight. Divorced, rich, screwed up.


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Here it goes. An exercise in "free speech". Mimi, sweetheart, you gotta get fucked. You gotta get fucked hard. That way, you can eat all you want, including peanut butter crackers, inxs. (More on this theory later, for dat challenge). If you agree, I'm your guy. It's gonna take more than a pastey russkie to get the job done. Don't believe me? Ask my wife. Ask my girlfriend. My wife's name is Lisa, her email address is : My girlfriend's email is: Don't take my word for it.
Check Ya Later,
Joel Conrad Bechtolt

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 3, 2005 10:42 AM

Thanks to Ed, my friend in London for this -

Do you know Holy Moly and their Cunts Corner?

A brilliant cunt nomination appeared today:

Pandas. Fuck me, you're the size of a brick shithouse, but you're soft as fucking shite you black and white cunt. Can't get your tiny little cock up in public. What more do you want for Christ's sake, the fucking
zoo gives you a penthouse cage, a bint to fuck the arse off, an audience to watch, and what do you fucking do, eat fucking bamboo. Fucking soft cock.

Posted by: mimi at May 3, 2005 10:48 AM

That was fucking funny. Boy do I like you.
Joel Conrad Bechtolt

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 3, 2005 10:51 AM

Why is it that the first challenge of the ultimate blogger, you WASTE it by dissing the challenge. Why exactly did you apply for this contest?

Instead of protesting, why not be creative in the way you talk about bagels. Instead it turned into a little anal love?

Please let Mimi be the first to go.. stop wasting the time of these contest hosts, and angering the over 200 other people that apparently weren't good enough to throw around a few fucks and feel too important to participate.

The Dr is out.

Posted by: DrScoundrel99 at May 3, 2005 11:19 AM

am i really dumb? or have a load of people not posted their challenge in time?

i am on british time....

Posted by: unemployed at May 3, 2005 11:27 AM

....i'm guessing that its 11.38 right now from the time of my comment.....? yeh i'm dumb....

Posted by: unemployed at May 3, 2005 11:30 AM

They have 12 more hours. 12 hours and 22 minutes, actually.

Posted by: Azure at May 3, 2005 11:30 AM

Yo Dr.Scoundrel, she didn't really diss the challenge. She talked a ton about eating, and then a little bit about butt-cunnelingus, which she made fit into the topic.
Come on.

Posted by: DCS at May 3, 2005 11:34 AM

DCS... is that diggity-dog david s.? how have you been? its been ages... and i still haven't heard your latest stuff...

mimi... i really admire your post. i've already been reading it out-loud to friends on the phone. i'm looking forward to many more in the future.


(what tea do you drink? i admire the british and their affinity for tea, but for some reason english tea is close to the bottom of my favorites list. maybe i've been spoiled by the taiwanese and their dong ding oolong.)

Posted by: james at May 3, 2005 11:53 AM

I like this post. It is about eating (ass). its creative and entertaining. I look forward to future posts.

Posted by: argumentix at May 3, 2005 12:41 PM

I'm with argumentix and DCS. Mimi didn't diss shit. Mimi is a great writer, but will lose to me tonight, (right before the stroke of twelve, PDT, to help you out "unemployed") when I post, the ultimate cooking story. Wait and see.

Love Ya,
Joel Conrad Bechtolt

Posted by: Joel Conrad Bechtolt at May 3, 2005 1:19 PM

....the best so far methinks. Joel, pull yer pants up.

Posted by: prega at May 3, 2005 2:09 PM

i am really into this!i think you did a great job! i learned a lot about that rim job stuff, because i didn't really know exactly what it was before.

your posts are juicy and i like that!

Posted by: anders at May 3, 2005 2:18 PM

mimi, i absolutely love your blog and was very sad when i had to wait all day yesterday while it was having troubles being down. you are a great writer, and a wonderful activist. i hate it that you dumb it down and tart it up for this contest.

Posted by: kirsten at May 3, 2005 3:21 PM

Come on, talking about your butthole? The last resort of the blogger who has nothing to say. "I'll talk about some 'controversial' topic like rimming and I'll seem wordly and clever, not to metion freak out all the squares." Please. It's been done before, done to death. Come up with a less cliched persona than "Self-important slutbag".

Posted by: Craig at May 3, 2005 3:32 PM


I find your writing extremely efficacious and took vast pleasure in reading it! (Also because you speak of me, and this is very good for you, because I am primo, and can only make you receive more approbation from the masses).
Food is always correlative to sex, and these others who say opposite are perhaps nothing more than donkey-fuckers, yes?

So, there is no time now, but I will speak with you tomorrow maybe!


Posted by: Lyova Lyubov at May 3, 2005 4:27 PM


She's on a date. She's not thinking about you.


Posted by: kirsten at May 3, 2005 5:36 PM


You splinter into my hearts...

(today is indeed supremely sad day)

Posted by: Lyova Lyubov at May 3, 2005 5:47 PM

Kirsten, everything in time. I oscillate between politics and schlock on a regular basis depending on what issues come up and what mood I find myself in... it'll come soon, I promise!

The rest of you - please. Stop the applause. I can't take all the love. Slutbag? You're too, too kind.


Posted by: mimi at May 3, 2005 7:47 PM

I aims to please.

Posted by: Craig at May 3, 2005 7:48 PM

Yeah, maybe throwing down the sex card's kind of an easy card to play, but she plays it with vigour.

Besides, I think it's hilarious that she changed food to eating out.

C'mon, I think that's fairly original, because the rest of these people got stuck writing about food.

You're probably some literalist bean-counter with no sense of adventure.

If you think people are into blogging for just more random "Wow, there was this time..." bullshit, you're wrong.

We're in it for personalities. It's a cult of personality. People with edge, style, pizzazz.

Honestly, I could give a fuck for more of the boring auto-bio blogging about silly days spent silly ways.

Mimi may be sensationalistic, but she's sensational. That's what it all comes down to.

But you're getting off to the wrong start if you're gonna dismiss her as being another self-involved slutbag.

Because she's a smart, witty, and funny self-involved slutbag.

I'm crashing this competition. Every time there's a challenge? I'm writing on it too. Whee!

Posted by: scribe called steff at May 3, 2005 11:05 PM

hmm. that looks silly... double-spaced like. oh, well.

Posted by: scribe called steff at May 3, 2005 11:07 PM

Mimi, girl, do you want to have some unilateral talks with me? Want to form some possible alliances? I am serious. Let's talk some fucking shop, girl.

Posted by: ritchey at May 4, 2005 9:13 AM

goddamnit, Mimi, where are you, girl? We've got voting to do. I AM SERIOUS.

Posted by: ritchey at May 4, 2005 10:16 AM

So here I am just getting in from covering an event and frantically reading all the entries so I can make an informed vote. Mimi, your prose is spectacular, my dear. Brava.

Posted by: karsh at May 4, 2005 7:39 PM


It make good for us if you telegraph me.

Always yours, my Cat,

Lyova Lyubov

Posted by: Lyova Lyubov at May 4, 2005 10:39 PM