Soccer: November 2006 Archives

Like the proverbial rented mule, UrbanHonking AC was beaten soundly last night by a mercy-rule mitigated 12-5 (Portland Futsal house rules dictate that a team cannot lead the game by more than 7 goals). We were, for lack of a better word, dreadful. Physically dominated, unable to close down the midfield, marking with more holes than a cheese grater, and a hesitancy to ask any questions of the opponents' keeper whatsoever (ok, i'm exaggerating on the last point. Curt had several shots saved, and i had a weak shot while falling backward that was an easy save. w00t).

Yours truly gifted our Bayern-Munich-replica clad adversaries their very first goal, after an ill-advised attempt to dribble out of the backfield. Who knows what the hell I was thinking. The first half was pretty well summed up at the buzzer, when a last-ditch cross in front of our net—that probably would have sailed harmlessly past had I not been in front of it—hit my forearm and was redirected into our net. Had I not been there, or had we delayed him 2 seconds longer, the half would have ended poorly enough. A harsh mistress indeed.

There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth afterwards at the hospitable Brooklyn Park Pub, our Official Post-Game Public House And Tavern, and hopefully our surgically extracted humbling will see us "digging deep" and "finding strength in adversity" and recognizing we "got to want it." With the thanksgiving break next week, we have a double-edged sword. Having no game will give us more time to work out the defensive kinks, but as far as fitness is concerned, Thanksgiving is the worst holiday to be facing now. I fear for my muscles, for they will be trapped between the fire of physical exertion and the ice of our nationally shared lethargy. As the saying goes, they're going to be like lukewarm water.

But in the meantime, I'll be softly weeping while curled under my desk in a fetal position.

oh, True Fan, i'm sorry. I haven't been your best contributor. Remember those days of wine and roses, when i'd post warmed up leftovers from Eleven Devils and A Pretty Move? yeah, i didn't think so. It's been a while since we put any soccer at all up here. We even had the gall to leave you derelict during the World Cup.

Believe me, we were doing you a favor, True Fan. There were so many Portland-themed soccer blogs taking up that mantle, that posting whatever shoddily-analyzed dreck of a match report I could write would have actually lowered—nay, destroyed—your bloggy credibility. It would even have tarnished your rep in the competitive eating community, and that is one audience you Cannot Afford To Lose right now.

I can't even guarantee that this is the start of a comeback, either. Maybe the first of a series, but don't you see that if i promise you nothing, your heart won't be broken when those promises aren't kept? Let's just take it one baby step at a time.

First of all, there's this UrbanHonking AC thing. Yeah, i know, this is True Fan, not True Playa. But this is, literally, your team! a team playing for perpetual UrHo glory! a team to carry the impeccable style, verve, and other je ne sais quois of the Urbane Honkers onto the indoor pitch. We'll kick off our debutante season tonight at 6:20pm against some motley crew of obvious ne'er-do-well rapscallions named AC Felonious Kick. Whether this is some reference to Straight, No Chaser, or merely refers to the criminal underground that must fill out their roster, these felons will have a challenge before them tonight. They'll do well to be especially wary of my "Viper Attack", which, actually, only involves me shrieking like a little girl who just saw a viper.

Oh, and remember MLS? you remember, American soccer. No, no, they did away with the shootout. And the clock counts up now, just like the rest of the world. Come on, you haven't forgotten Shalrie Joseph, have you?

Well, he's back in the big game. MLS Cup 2006 features returning chumps New England against the San-Jose-of-the-Atlantic Houston Dynamo. You should watch, if only for the fact that if Clint Dempsey is healthy, it could be your last chance to watch him and Houston's Dwayne DeRosario languish in MLS before they go languish on some mid-Colaship squad next year. No, really, you should watch it. It's on ABC at 12:30 PST this Sunday.

So yeah, I agree, this post was both parts mildly familiar and awkward. Kind of like having sex with your cousin, or so i'm told. I'll try harder, True Fan, I really will. Can you forgive me?