Competitive Eating: August 2007 Archives

With Krystals season starting up strong, you'd think the last thing on people's minds would be the Nathan's hot dog competition, a full 11 months away. But apparently a little enthusiasm at the Saratoga Springs Race Course goes a long way because they hosted a qualifier for the 2008 competition on Monday (making this perhaps the only time the banner for this blog will make sense for competitive eating--history!). Crazy Legs Conti won the qualifier handily with 21.5 HDBs (the second place winner ate 10). Tim "Eater X" Janus accompanied his roommate and competitive eating collaborator, but only sat in on the neat eating competition, a contest usually reserved for the under 10 crowd.

Crazy Legs caught up with True Fan after the oddly-timed qualifier and gave us a run-down of the event, which amounts to a veritable who's who in competitive eating. I thought we'd go bold names for this one. Enjoy!

Seriously, what was the deal with this qualifier? Why so early?

I was a fan long before I turned pro so I have an appreciation for the archival history of the Saratoga Qualifier. (A quick tangent for pro eating historians - "A Hot Dog Program", the PBS Rick Seback documentary has the full 1998 Nathan's contest as a DVD extra). As you can read at MosesNews.com, Saratoga was Don Lerman's territory in the early 00s. He was known as the Saratoga's Secretariat. As carpetbagging became necessary to qualify we all went there and lost to Don (Subich, Janus, myself, many others), but the one year that Don suffered a reversal, the importance of the second and third place finish became very evident as a lot can happen in the ten months leading up to the big show. Some years it's not even scheduled, so it's special when it happens. I believe it was three or four years ago that I planned to exit the Kennebunkport Lobster Contest to traverse the dirt roads from Maine to Saratoga on a very tight schedule. The Saratoga Qualifier is like the NFL pro-bowl. The super bowl just happened and most guys don't want to put the pads back on and take the hits, but you do get to go to Hawaii...Or Saratoga, which I find to be just as lovely.

Usually, everyone has some time to get into "hot dog mode" before hitting the qualifier. How did you mentally spring into action when this opportunity came up?

I knew that Joey Chestnut would be closely following the Saratoga qualifier and I figured why tip my hand with seventy. Now he's got ten months of bedwetting fear when we meet on stage in '08.

I think it boils down to a mentality that doesn't really exist for most on today's circuit. It a notion that harkens back to the trophy era, pre-prize money when you showed up because you wanted to be there or be a part of something . You are somebody like Tim Janus, who is really the last eater to come from the trophy era, who says, "Eating hot dogs under a tent sounds good to me anytime, I'll go". I do see it in eaters today like Kevin Ross and Pat Bertoletti, who just seem glad to be at the table to have the opportunity to compete and continue on the strange and wonderful journey that pro-eating can provide. As for Nathan's there have always been non-qualifying contests and it's interesting to see who shows up. I've never made it to Kansas or the UMass Amherst contest (where Darren Rovell set the current all time journalist record with twelve hdbs in regulation time), but I went to Boston the year it was downgraded from an official qualifier. Cookie had crushed me the previous two years when it counted towards Coney and besides being a great charity run by the Andleman family to benefit Cystic Fibrosis and the Joey Fund. I just wanted to win the thing in my hometown. I ate eighteen, got a small plaque, and felt great about the day. The next year Peter Davekos and Justin Mih showed up just to see what eating too many hot dogs is all about and put up around the same numbers .

The moment Saratoga was announced Janus and I wanted to attend. I'm thrilled it was an official qualifier, but I think we would have gone anyway. Janus is a big Tobey Maguire fan, and I didn't even know that Jeff Bridges was in "Seabiscuit". Nathan's more than any other circuit or contest is as cutthroat as it gets, but it's important to remember that you have to enjoy the sport or the event, otherwise what's the point? There are plenty of bitter foods, we don't need bitter eaters. If it's not a good time, then find some other activity to engage you...I hear remolding Victorian Era Bidets has its appeal, but I'm content with Pro-Eating for the time.
As for the week leading up to the contest, I prepared as I always do. Physiologically, no meat, lots of Japanese Ramen and mentally, I watch a lot of cheerleading films on VHS.

You were the only pro-ranked eater to compete at this qualifier (not including Tim Janus's participation in the neat eating competition). While this isn't unheard of--Chip and Juliet both took their qualifiers this year with no pro competition--it must be a little strange for you. Were you expecting other ranked eaters to show up? Were you glad when they didn't or did you miss the neck-and-neck?

With Krazy Kev and BB in hot dog retirement, I've eaten in more qualifiers than any other active MLE'r. I ate before the 3 qualifier limit and recall one season eating dogs five weekends in a row. It was maddening and grueling, but it gave me an appreciation for each one as its own wonderful strange entity. It made me savor both the wins and the losses. I believe the hot dogs gods make it all work out as it should. I was there to appreciate the nuances of Sonya's 18 at Molly Pitcher (I felt physically ill before the contest as I had been pulling all nighters cleaning the widows of the Kuwait consulate). Or Joey's rookie 21.5 in San Fran (vanity would lead me to mention Hungry Charles and my attendance at Mr. Ping's until 6 am the day of as a contributing factor, however, the hot dog gods knew we were better off with the Tiki umbrella drinks and Joey might have a future at Coney).

I can also truly appreciate that Stu Birdy would eat eight just for the fun of it or Hollow Hal Schimmel for the free lunch. If you are lucky enough to eat against Superpaul, you are a winner in more ways than one. I'm not belittling the importance of it all. The desire is obviously more than just fun. Some are concerned with totals, I've always cared more about making the final table. People that assume it's only worth it if you are eating stratospheric numbers in the center of the table, should talk to guys who paid their dues on the road like Humble Bob and Birthday Boy, The Shredder. Do you think it was easy for them to convince their families, to convince their bodies and minds to think, "I'm getting to that stage and when I do I'm going every year until I don't want to anymore". Long before Tim Janus stole everyone's groupies, he would throw down his buns in disgust at himself in places like Hartford and Belmont Race Track and think, "I'm going to get better because it's the most important thing to me." It's never an easy road to Nathan's and sometimes it can years.

That's where the intestinal fortitude comes in, and some have it, some don't. Or like Larry Bird diving out of bounds for a loose ball, some are willing to make the sacrifices. To eat hot dogs for twelve minutes straight, you've got to have a dive headfirst loose ball mentality. Most would disagree with me, but the most exciting hot dog minute in '07 wasn't Joey/Koby on the 4th, but the Shredder's 12th at Civil Service. With sixty seconds he had a seemingly impossible dog and 1/2 to reach a number that would make Coney. I truly believe it was the loud support of his wife Greta that willed him to the finish line.

It was magical, I was thrilled to be there, and Gravy Brown still made it on the 4th (but in 08 would be wise to not eat against Tim, Joey, or The Colonel). Only The Shredder was displeased, because he wanted an outright win. I can't blame him, what a roller coaster '07 was for him. With prize money never being a factor with Nathan's (and I believe never will) it has always been the greatest stage to ascend, even long before ESPN coverage. Ed Kratchie's sweat, Hungry Charles' pumping arms, Nakajima's calm presence, Kobayashi's joy, Joey's stenciled name on the board...these are indelible images in my mind, much like I would imagine today's fan's discover when they join the throngs at Stillwell and Surf. Sonya Thomas' wave, The Locust's trot...that's the electricity that powers competitive eating. They are eating to honor those who didn't make it, but tried, and off stage or at home, hopefully those watching are thinking, "I'll get my twelve minutes one day, whether its at Coney or Saratoga". Steakbellie, of course, is thinking, "I've got to stay focused otherwise I won't get to my next twelve pack". What most don't realize are the yearlong moments each eater has when they awake in the middle of the night wondering what they have to do to make it to high noon. As the current crop of eaters outpaces my improvements, I have to enjoy each noon as it comes.

As for other eaters at Saratoga. I knew that a Monday at 2 pm at a racetrack was going to be difficult for anyone who is gainfully employed or doesn't work in the strip club industry. I assumed up-and-coming eaters would see it as an opportunity to strut their peacock feathers, but I can't say I was disappointed with the turn-out. I'm not that cocky. I'm not a name caller. I take the victories where I can get them. I was channeling Jeff Leibowski, "Just take it easy man". I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the vitriolic resentment that seems prevalent by people who live life in front of their computer screens. I genuinely feel bad that Mike Landrich didn't make it. I've never met him, I don't know what he put up in Vegas, but if it's any consolation to him, I didn't get an email confirmation either. There is no grand IFOCE conspiracy afloat, I saw an event I wanted to go to so I picked up the phone and found out the info and showed up. In high school it took six calls before I got a girl to agree, but I made it to the prom. I arrived at Saratoga to learn that instead of the usual seventy people, only seven preregistered for the contest. I wasn't even the headliner. The Saratoga crowd crowned the guy they called, "The General" as the favorite. He put on one of the most entertaining qualifying performances ever. I think if the dogs were soaked in beer beforehand the General might have taken me. He did 9.5 while talking to the crowd the whole 12 minutes and he did beer tricks (which did not, despite the crowds urging, count towards his total).

As for Tim "Eater X" Janus' performance. I say it all the time, I believe in the camaraderie of the brotherhood and sisterhood of the stomach. I perceive his actions as one of great altruism, but the truth lies in his motivation. He only wanted a personal best, but didn't want to be locked into a number that ten months from now he could top (but wouldn't be allowed to if he already qualified with a paltry forty something). If he had gone for numbers that only two humans have ever achieved, I would have been as happy for him as he was for me. To me it was like he was hopping on an HDBs grenade and I'm grateful for my '08 livelihood, however he shrugs it off. He felt he wasn't going to achieve his goal that day and his chances were better in the neat eating contest. At first I thought he had a solid strategy (there were only three other ten year olds in the contest), but after his ninth packet of Heinz ketchup, I knew he was in trouble. As an avid follower of neat eating stats I believe Bailey Shoudt has notched the only single winner victory (Shea '05) and now Eater X will go down in annuls with the only single person loss in neat eating history. Those three ten year olds defeated the fourth ranked eating in hot dogs, and they defeated him soundly. And true to form, we couldn't find a single napkin after the contest.

Do you think you'll feel sad when hot dog season rolls around next year and you don't have a qualifier to look forward to. Or will you just show up with a beer in hand to the east coast ones and gloat?

I think we can all agree that 21.5 will be the lowest qualifying total in '08. Likely by four or five dogs. I believe Hot dogs and buns to be the hardest discipline and qualifying for Nathan's to be the most difficult. For an eater like me, who only improves a couple dogs a season, it can be terrifying. The Krystal format is more accessible for some because one eats against his/herself for a number. That's why a Krystal roadtrip is always worth it, it doesn't matter who shows up. Plus, you get to see some beautiful Southern cities. I didn't even attend the first Krystal Square Off circuit because every Northerner, like Don and El Wingador, who went down was sadly sent packing by Southerners who were weaned on the fluffy goodness and meaty square. Things have changed obviously and Krystals may not be nationwide, but hungering for them is. Sorry, I digress...it is lunch time.

At the 08 Nathan's qualifying circuit, I'll be at every qualifier I can make, as a fan. I loved this year's Badlands "Hungry and Focused" Tour. Plus I got to eat cheese steaks in Philly and New Haven Pizza after Hartford. And I'll show up with a beer in hand for everyone who competes (and joins me at the afterparty). If you can't do karaoke with Wild Bill Meyers, a couple of cheap beers with Wing Kong and Steakbellie ranks a close second. The Dude abides.

I look guys like Pete Davekos and Steakbellie and want to see them get their first deuce because I believe it will really make them happy. Davekos needs to hone in on his focus and Steakbellie needs to stop rubbernecking so much and clear his mouth more. Those are the things I look forward to seeing on the '08 Nathan's circuit. I also think it's going to be tough to wait ten months for another edition of TrueFan's HDQM. It has become the definitive post-qualifier interview, despite not have a glossy print edition; Joey's goofy grin on the cover with the quote below, "Hot Dog Qualifier Magazine? Not only do I read it, I'm a subscriber!" - Joseph Chestnut.

C'mon, you can tell us: was the guy in the alligator costume really Jed Donahue?

He introduced himself as James, but I actually think he was a Florida Gator emissary sent by Colonel Hall Hunt to deliver the message that I should never ever come to Florida again for hot dogs or Krystal burgers. He was firm, but eloquent when he mentioned that Hunt is going to own Florida in '08. I agreed with him and will head his warning. As for his performance, he had the greatest chipmunking potential in history, he could fit a lot in the bill, but he had trouble chewing.

Did your luck extend to the tracks afterwards?

Saratoga Dogs are boiled so they tend to go down a little easier, but sit a little heavier. I staggered over to the track like Bukowski and bet my usual, the three horse to show. I then got cute with the exotics and boxed a few trifecas. Two of the last three races were run on the grass, but the one on the dirt was the photo finish. It was a wet day at the track and I couldn't see anything through the dark sunglasses. Not one of my horses came in, but based on the soggy bun detritus in one of my dreadlocks, I'd say I'm more of a mudder at the hot dog contest.

Tell me a little about this year supply of hot dogs you win. Is there a Nathan's delivery guy who shows up to your apartment with the supply and some balloons, or is it more of an unmarked frozen pallet thing? Didn't you and Tim each just win a year supply a couple months ago, making it so you have three years of hot dogs in one apartment? Isn't that, like, A LOT of hot dogs?

We run an unaccredited hot dog savings and loan union. From the days when Hungry Charles (who installed a restaurant deep storage freezer to allow for all his hot dog winnings) and Badlands would loan us a few forty packs, we return the favors. Mostly their kids are now the beneficiaries. I also give as many as appropriate to the Bowery Mission which is around the corner from us it's a pretty amazing place and I've spent some Thanksgivings there (followed by hedonistic activities at the Village Idiot Bar so that my karma always ended up at the equator). Because the freezer at Coleman's Bar and Grill didn't have a door for the last five years, like Joe Gould's secret we have dogs stashed all over the five boroughs including an undisclosed bunker location. Tim has a phenomenal idea that ESPN should cover July 3rd and the Hot Dog Draft. The twenty eaters would be allowed to draft numbered lots of hot dogs for the following day. Obviously the dogs are precooked, but not grilled yet, so the tension wouldn't be in the snap of the natural casing, but the folly of ended up drafting too many misshapen ones or the evil errant hanging nub. If you've ever lined up a bag of forty you realize the lengths vary from cigar stubs to widowmakers. Liz for you, I suppose the prom analogy would work here too.

Dirty!

If the fading whiff of grilled hot dogs means the height of summer is passing, then the scent of tiny square hamburgers can only mean the start of the autumn competitive eating season with the inimitable Krystal Square Off. Here are the stops the tour will make for qualifying rounds. The date ranges represent how long they will be in the particular city doing several mini-qualifiers. The winners of those mini-qualifiers head to the main qualifier on the last day and the winner of that qualifier goes on to the finals (um, got that?). Anyway, who lives in the south and wants to do some on-the-scene reporting/eating!

Krystal Square Off IV

Aug. 22 – 25: Chattanooga, TN

Aug. 31 – Sept. 3: Jacksonville, FL

Sept. 7 – 9: Nashville, TN

Sept. 14 – 16: Knoxville, TN

Sept. 21 – 23: Atlanta, GA

Sept. 28 – 30: Memphis, TN

Oct. 5 – 7: Perry, GA

Oct. 12 – 14: Jackson, MS

Oct. 19 – 21: Birmingham, AL

TBA: Chattanooga, TN (Nationally Televised on ESPN)

In a press release Brad Wahl, vice president of marketing for the Krystal Company, kept the boxing analogies going strong:

“Like following the ‘Fight of the Century’ between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, the world is craving a rematch between Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut. Before that can happen though, Chestnut still has to qualify for the World Championship at one of our nine regional qualifiers. And it won’t be easy for the new number one ranked eater in the world. We anticipate more than 2,000 hopefuls to compete in our circuit events, including all of the top eaters in the world, and the competition will be fiercer than ever as guys like Patrick Bertoletti and Tim “Eater X’ Janus are out to prove that this is more than a two man contest.”

Though the eaters all aspire to be at the big Nathan's table, the Krystle Square Off still stands as one of the favorite competitions among the gurgitating elite. This is in no doubt due to the company's unwavering enthusiasm for the contest and for the eaters. What other eating competition can boast webcams airing all the qualifiers, a website that profiles all the eaters, and--new this year, my friends--the ability to pick your own fantasy eating team for the finals? (You might remember the True Fan's fantasy eating idea was born for last year's Krystal Square Off finals, though we were assured that the Krystal PR peeps were brewing a similar plan around the same time and needed a year to get it in working order.)

The site will be live Friday, so log on to www.KrystalSquareOff.com and click on the "Fantasy League" section. (Even if you are already on one of True Fan's fantasy eating teams, go ahead and join another! Mix it up a little. Since when are we in the business of moderation here?) From there, you'll be able to draft your own team of competitive eaters. If you have lots of buddies into this, go ahead and create a league--we aren't fancy here!. In fact, who wants to be in my league?

Some rules:

Leagues can have a maximum of seven teams but no fewer than four. Once teams have been drafted, owners can drop, add or trade their competitive eaters up until midnight on the day before the regional qualifier final. Eaters cannot be dropped, traded or added once they've competed. Points will be accumulated based on the average number of Krystal Hamburgers that each eater consumes in the local qualifier finals and their total at the Krystal Square Off IV World Championship.

Back in the real world, Kobayashi seems to be committed to participating, but will his jaw allow it? Furthermore, after his hard-won victory in hot dogs, will our new American hero, Joey Chestnut, allow himself to beaten by the reigning champ? Questions to ponder over tiny square burgers in the months to come.