It's been a while since we took a look at UHXFBL 3 - Still Fantaseain', and for all the fans out there I apologize. We're now in week seven and the rankings are looking more interesting:

Thanks to Swamp Champ manager Josh Berezin for the screenshot.

14 more weeks to go. Even if the Castle Doozers were to win all 14 of those matchups they would still fall behind Weird Beard. I don't think it's a stretch to predict that the bottom four in week 7 are all in serious trouble.

The middle four are all fighting it out for those bottom two playoff spots while the top four use their various strategies to lock in their dominant position. The top two spots have a real advantage in that they both get a bye in the first week (Mar 26 - Apr 1) of the Championship, so there is a lot at stake.

Speaking of strategies you can see that there is no clear advantage to making moves. The KellyJellyRolls are sitting in 2nd place and have made only a single change to their roster, while rising fast right below them is Loopahoopahs with an amazing 35 moves!

I suspect that the busy holiday season is going to keep some people away from their roster and that could really affect what happens after Sunday.

The Ultimate Fantasy has also been on a bit of hiatus, but if we go back and check the scores the result is that Curt's South by North team has a total of 154 points which is just barely above average. My own Meta Fantasy Inc. just barely have pulled ahead with 155 points, thanks to my record breaking Week 4 score of 31!

Have a hot tip or want to talk some trash? Email kmikeym@kmikeym.com.

"And we're baaaaaack!" And yes, we're Still Fantaseain'.

Week two of the UHXFBL3 season and things aren't looking good for the bottom half. It would be bad science to forecast a trend based only on two data points, but the numbers are showing the first sign of this season's story. Will we see a dominant group keep the lead all season? Will a scrappy underdog fight his (or her) way to the top?

Josh Berezin of the Swamp Champs believes "at least two of the teams in the bottom six are serious contenders." When pressed to name names, Berezin relented, "You have to think Loopahoopahs is going to improve, since he is coming off a strong second-place finish last year. Wilma Fingerdoo may well turn the corner, as well. The season is young."

In an unusual move, Manager Burr has changed his team name from TheHolyTrinities to The Robert Johnsons. While Burr could not be reached for comment, we did ask some of the other managers what they thought. "If you don't even trust yourself to name your team, and stick by that name, I think that says a lot about your style of play." said Berezin. "what he needs is more confidence," added Steve Schroeder, "I think he has a great core and could make a serious impact in the team."

Schroeder jumped up two places to claim 6th place, saying "I was down, and I came back as I knew I would and took an epic victory." That 7-3 victory over John Afryl's KellyJellyRolls puts Afryl's team at number 7 in the overall standings, the biggest drop we've seen.

The biggest jump in standings comes from Berezin's Swamp Champ team, who jumped three places to take third. Lacking his usual bravado*, Berezin says, "The first couple weeks can be really random, so I'm just happy to be in the top half of teams at this point." With three games being 7 - 3 and the all the rest 6 - 4, it means that the those on the losing end are falling even farther behind. But like Berezin said, "The season is young." and "The first couple weeks can be really random."

*Update: Berezin interjects, "Bullshit on you! Lacking bravado? I'm going to win the season. I'm saying the first couple of weeks don't make any god damn difference."

OFFICIAL RESULTS Week 2:

Jefferson Democrats (steve)..7
KellyJellyRolls (john).......3

roundmoundofrebounds (curt)..6
Castle Doozers (becca).......4

Swamp Champ (josh)...........7
the mo malones (morgan)......3

loopahoopahs (kevin).........6
wilma fingerdoo (ben)........4

the robert johnsons* (burr)..3
eli..........................7

california gold men (andrew).6
weird beard (chris)..........4


* formerly TheHolyTrinities

And let's see how that affects the standings:

1. Eli's Eli......................14 +1
2. Andrew's California Gold Men...13 same place
3. Chris' Weird Beard.............12 -2
3. Curt K.'s RoundMoundOfRebounds.12 +2
3. Josh's Swamp Champ.............12 +3
6. Steve's Jefferson Democrats....11 +2
7. J.John's KellyJellyRolls.......10 -5
8. Kevin's Loopahoopahs............9 +1
8. Ben's Wilma Fingerdoo...........9 -2
10. Becca's Castle Doozers.........7 -1
11. Morgan's The Mo Malones........6 -2
12. Burr's The Robert Johnsons.....5 same place

Meanwhile, THE ULTIMATE FANTASY continues...

Curt's South by North pulled together 28 points this week, beating Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc.'s 26 points. This puts Curt in the lead by just two points.

Curt's South by North:....28 + 25 = 53
- Curt K...................6
- Steve....................7
- Ben......................4
- Eli .....................7
- Chris....................4

Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc.:.26 + 25 = 51
- Josh.....................7
- Kevin....................6
- J.John...................3
- Andrew...................6
- Becca....................4

Mike is dropping Becca this week and picking up Morgan.

And the battle begins! An exciting first week in UHXFBL3 - Still Fantaseain' where the fresh new faces are making quite a splash, as is the case for Chris' Weird Beard team coming out with a huge 8-2 victory over Burr's TheHolyTrinities. All we can do is slap our foreheads and ask, what happened!?

"It wasn't all that surprising to me." Burr said, "If you'll look back on my track record from last year, you'll see I had a lot of such losses." There are rumors that Season One Champion Kyle K. might be working with Burr to improve his lineup. Burr admits, "Kyle visited me on Friday and he was none too enthused about my lineup." The rules don't prohibit this kind of help, and we'll see if Week 2 shows any signs of Kyle's rumored "golden touch".

And in case you're wondering about the name of Burr's TheHolyTrinities, he adds, "I did win the three pointers category, which was what I was going for in terms of the name."

Weird Beard's Manager Chris doesn't have quite the bravado you'd expect from the team with the best record in week one. "I think that I got lucky this week," Chris says, "I did pick up a couple of new players. I have a feeling my work may be cut out for me this week."

OFFICIAL RESULTS Week 1:

Curt K.'s RoundMoundOfRebounds.6
Steve's Jefferson Democrats....4

J.John's KellyJellyRolls.......7
Morgan's The Mo Malones........3

Josh's Swamp Champ.............5
Ben's Wilma Fingerdoo..........5

Eli's Eli......................7
Kevin's Loopahoopahs...........3

Chris' Weird Beard.............8
Burr's TheHolyTrinities........2

Andrew's California Gold Men...7
Becca's Castle Doozers.........3

So an incredibly strong first week for Chris' Weird Beard and an excellent start to the season for J.John and his KellyJellyRolls, Eli's creatively named Eli and Andrew's theme team, the California Gold Men. Let's take a look at the overall standings:

1. Chris' Weird Beard.............8
2. Eli's Eli......................7
2. Andrew's California Gold Men...7
2. J.John's KellyJellyRolls.......7
5. Curt K.'s RoundMoundOfRebounds.6
6. Josh's Swamp Champ.............5
6. Ben's Wilma Fingerdoo..........5
8. Steve's Jefferson Democrats....4
9. Morgan's The Mo Malones........3
9. Kevin's Loopahoopahs...........3
9. Becca's Castle Doozers.........3
12. Burr's TheHolyTrinities.......2

But it's only week one, and we have a lot of Fantasy Basketball to go. It's easily anyone's game.

The Ultimate Fantasy

In the world of Fantasy Fantasy Basketball Curt's South by North collected 25 points, as did Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc. team. That's an average of five points per player, which is pretty poor.

Curt's South by North:....25
- Curt K...................6
- Steve....................4
- Ben......................5
- Burr.....................2
- Chris....................8
vs.
Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc.:.25
- Josh.....................5
- Kevin....................3
- J.John...................7
- Andrew...................7
- Becca....................3

Curt's North by South high scoring player (Chris) was playing another on his own team (Burr), thus the 8 points that Burrow scored were averaged to 5. This was also the case for Curt K. and Steve. This made Curt's North by South team's only chance of getting an above-average score rested on Ben, who ended up scoring 5 points.

Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc. faced a similar fate. Facing off against Ben was Josh, who scored the other 5 points. Becca scored 3 points, but played Andrew, bringing the average back to 5. And While both J.John and Kevin played against free agents, giving Mike the best opportunity to pull ahead, they scored 7 and 3 respectively, which brings us back to that 5 point average.

So a tie for week one in the ultimate fantasy. Curt is dropping Burr and picking up Eli. Mike is going to keep his lineup for another week and hope his luck improves.

The UrbanHonking Fantasy Basketball League, officially named "UHXFBL3 - Still Fantaseain'" has started its third season with a mix of veterans and fresh faces. Reprising his role as League Commissioner is Steve Schroeder, who is the manager of the Jefferson Democrats. Last season Schroeder's New Jersey Generals finished fifth, but he is more optimistic this season, "I think I have the opportunity to win it all. So much depends on early season developments. I've already made three free-agent pick ups."

Season two champion Josh Berezin is of course returning, and feeling entitled to take another play-off. "I can win back-to-back championships. I plan to." Berezin's confidence is backed by his draft picks

The new season features twelve teams. Nine have played in previous seasons, with three new managers entering, and a first for the league, one team is managed by a woman. Becca Uherbelau is the manager of the Castledoozers. Berezin, who brought her into the league says, "She is smart, but I'm still going to beat her."

Fantasy sports requires knowledge of the players beyond the superstars. "I think my late drafts were well researched and will show their payoffs early." says Curt Kentner, manager of the Round Mound of Rebounds team. Kenter suffered last season due to player injuries. He ended the season in a morale-shaking tenth place, but losing can be a powerful teacher, "I learned my lesson last year... Not to take risks on great players that get injured." J. John Afryl, managing the Kelly Jelly Rolls for his third straight season agrees that the strategy is to look farther down the list and choose players who can win those "less glamorous categories." Afryl is hoping to improve upon his third place finish from last season.

Of course it's not just a numbers game. Emotions are bound to come into play. Manager Burr says he would like to get "Darius Miles, [just] so I could bench him." Burr is heading the The Holy Trinities this season, and he "drafted the best talent available for the first seven rounds or so, then I tried to draft a few sleepers," in order to improve upon his 11th place finish last season.

The Ultimate Fantasy

Last season my team, the Cameroon Robusto's, placed a distant (but not humiliating) seventh. The worst team in the league belonged to my brother Curt Merrill, who was 12th for the second season in a row. This year we both opted to close up our virtual sporting franchises and much like Vince McMahon and his XFL, create a new fantasy sport, Fantasy Fantasy Basketball.

Curt and I have drafted the managers of the UHXFBL3 into two five-person teams, leaving two as "free agents". Curt won the coin toss and the first round pick and we did a little trading.

Curt's South By North: Curt K., Steve, Ben, Troy. and Chris K.

Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc.: Josh, Kevin, J.John, Andrew and Becca

So the way this will work is that we are pitting the total points against each other. In the UHXFBL3 each player is trying to win the best number in ten categories (FG%, FT%, 3PTM, PTS, OREB, DREB, AST, ST, BLK, TO). We'll take the points earned by each player and total them each week to look at who won and who lost.

Additionally, since we are only playing with five players on each team we have the two free agents, Morgan and Eli. Since I picked last in the draft, Curt will have the first opportunity to pick up a free agent after we see how everyone did (of course he'll also have to drop a player).

Let the Fantasy (and the Fantasy Fantasy) begin!

We really hope you were home glued to your ESPN2 (or at least to your TiVo later) for the Krystal Square Off on Saturday. The nation witnessed some real world class eating when Kobayashi polished off his 97th slider, with Joey only half a Sackful behind, slaying the world record by 30 burgers. Impressive.

Even more impressive was the total efforts of the Krystal Killers, who ended up beating the Squeezable Buns by over a hundred points. I know this might seem like a sound beating, and we guess it was, it was only because a lot of people performed even better than our expectations!

We broke down the score card into some hard numbers, tallying the amount of burgers each player ate, comparing it to their personal best, adding in points for the sign-toting fans, and giving players points for pulling into the lead. Points were deducted if players ate under their personal best or had any small reversals. Subjective points (1-5) were awarded for how well the players fulfilled the positions given to them by their coach (or how well they coached). Points were also given for how well the teams' bonus players seemed to add to the overall effectiveness of the team. A subjective one point deduction was taken away from any player who had a "look of defeat" and while we were going to originally deduct for prolonged dunking or general sloppiness, we thought it was too hard to judge based only on who the camera was focusing on. Although we will say that Kobayashi is very neat eater, while Joey had a bit of a burger buns facial.

Here's a look at the final score card (click to enlarge):

We thought by giving players points for how many over their personal best they did would really give an advantage to non-Koby players, but holy crap if Koby and Joey both ate about 30 over their personal best, making Pat's super achievement of doing the same look negligible on the score card. We would like to note that Pat (Squeezable Buns) made the best improvement, eating 58% better than his personal best. Joey rounds in second (he can't catch a break!) with a whopping 47% improvement, while Kobayashi held on to a 41% improvement. Those are some serious numbers. Almost every eater made an improvement on their personal best, except Seaver (ate one less), Justin (ate the same), and Sonya, who had a 15% falloff.

True Fan extends big congratulations to all the Krystal Square Off stars this year. The way things are going, we know we have group more powerful than ever heading into the winter eating season, and we can't wait to be there for it all.

Here's a closer look at the two fantasy team that will face off at Saturday's Krystal Burger competition.

"Humble" Bob made a grab for Badlands Booker to take the final spot on the Team Krystal Killers, calling him a "personal hero and a first ballot Hall of Famer." While Badlands won't be able to add hamburgers to the team's final count, his overall (fantasy) effectiveness as coach will be taken into consideration. We think bringing in the retired eater was a smart move on Bob's part. Who wouldn't be inspired by Badlands?

As for the team positions, the captain broke them down like so:

Position Chew
Joey: He did not get the nickname Jaws for nothing. After Brats he
bit a piece of car tire right off of a Ford Mustang that was parked at
the event. I saw it with my own eyes.

Position Stomach Capacity
Kobayashi: Best capacity in the business - to quote Eric on his first CD, "He ate 21 pounds of noodles in Japan."

Position Swallow
Arturo Rios: at the ducks qualifier I think he was swallowing the dogs whole and it did not seem to faze him.

Position Personality
Seaver: who else could this be - the guy has a custom made fire fighter outfit. The women will be flooding ESPN with marriage proposals when they get a look at him.

Position Finesse
Chip: he has those Oakleys with the mp3. He looks like he is just chillin' while at the same time he is throwing down the food.

Positions End, Guard, and Tackle
Boone: He will sit at the END of the bench, GUARD the Gatorade and TACKLE anyone that tries to take any.

Seaver "The Achiever" and Arturo "The Natural" Rios seemed pleased with the results, while Dale "Mouth of the South" Boone lashed back with a stronger opinion: "THE BENCH???????? LOL. [A]fter I beat JASON CONTI AND MILLER AND RIOS AND JUSTIN WE SEE WHO LAUGHING." Indeed, Boone. Although we're concerned about the fact that he seems to be trying to defeat members of his own team. However, we have to give Bob points for putting Boone in charge of defense and offense. Very clever.

You may hear Krystal Killer's team song echoing in the crowd on Saturday:

Taking care of business (every day)
Taking care of business (every way)
We be been taking care of business (it's all mine)
Taking care of business and working overtime

But how will they stack up against their rivals, Team Squeezable Buns?

Crazy Legs surprised us by picking competitive eater Paul Barlow to take up the extra spot on their team as mascot and coach. He added another nickname to Paul's growing list and had this to say about his choice, "We believe 'Super' Paul 'Bonebreaker' Barlow; 'The Krystal Ball' to not be the Nostrodamus of Noslowdunking, but rather a delusional Kreskin of Crunch. When 'Super' Paul 'Bonebreaker' Barlow; 'The Krystal Ball' gazes down at twenty Krystals he thinks he can eat them in two minutes, but then realizes it's much better to enjoy them over eight minutes. We think all his predictions will be wrong, but that his love of the game (the fantasy game particularly) is what will make us prevail."

But will Paul's love of the game trump Booker's skills? And will Carlene really step in as team cheerleader, as rumored? We'll just have to see!

Here's how Captain Conti set up his team:

Position Chew: Tim "Eater X" Janus. What a lot of eating fans don't know is that Tim is a candy nut. He would love to work in the product think tank of a major candy producing company. Because of his lifelong pursuit of esoteric sweets (recently he sampled Economy Candy's Turkish Delight ala Narnia) his teeth have thinned and become brittle. To compensate for this he has been working his jaw with two 1/3 pound dumbbells that attach via straps around his ears. If only technology would catch up to competitive eating, then you could see the X Jaw X ray box on your TV and computer screen. And what you would see, would astound! Tim would also like to consult on the team logo...he's felt a lot of buns.

Position Stomach:
We don't believe in water training and as for your diaper comment. Team Bertoletti (aka Team Spacedock) will be resplendent in diapers in Chatty. They wear Adult Depends mostly for post-contest party issues, but they wear them well. The deadly Black Widow is our Stomachgirl and if Rich Shea doesn't say during the broadcast that, "Sonya has the stomach capacity of the Grand Coolee Dam" I'll eat my hat. Her stomach is a bottomless sinkhole of destruction. Because of the coin toss that gave the Krystal Killjoys Kobayashi, we have asked Sonya to open up her rarely used west wing of her stomach to accommodate the plus sixty Krystals she will throw down.

Position Swallow:
Pat Bertoletti. Rumor has it that Disney has optioned the life rights to, "The 48th Tamale." This amazing tamale will be featured in an animated movie of the same name. It is the story of a little tamale that gets separated from its parents and is raised in a Habanero Chili filled volcano. From the molten ash combined with the hot peppers, a little bland tamale grew into a spicy tamale adult; hotter than the sun. This tamales place in history was cemented when it made the unflappable Spacedocker reverse in 2006. It gave Whitebread Simpson his first win and set him on a path of confidence. At the same time, the little tamale left some of its magical spice dust on the inside of Pat Bertoletti. It has allowed him to compete in hot peppers with no ill effects and is like a built in Keep-Elvis-In-The-Building safeguard. Look to the other side for your reversal...Standing near Dale Bufoone is like trying to get Shamu's autograph at Sea World, watch the spray. My only advice for Hubris Bob is to keep The Mess from The South on the bench where he can only make so much of a mess.

Position Personality:
There was only one true star of, "The smaller screen" - the webcast internet Krystalcam. And in this contest there will be one true star of the small screen on ESPN. Know what every drunk Philly fan realized when they watched the Jumbotron at Wing Bowl, when the retired accountant throws off his falling glasses and works the mandibles that he calls hands, Women swoon and men break down in tears. He is a cross between Hugh Hefner and Mr. Magoo...and the future constellation that will burn so bright this week-end is Rich "The Las Vegas Locust" LaFevre.

Position Finesse:
The webcams don't lie, armchair eating critics who post on eatfeats do. Go back and watch Atlanta. Watch Perry. Watch Jackson...Bustin' Justin Mih is, as George Shea would say, "Poetry in Motion". He is the Linda Blair of pro-eating and will be performing a Krystal exorcism on Saturday; possessed, his stomach will spin 360 degrees. You asked, "Ease and Beauty" I answer Bustin' Justin!

Some interesting choices for Squeezable Buns! Will Bertoletti be able to avoid a tamale-esque return for Position Swallow? Will Tim be able to come up with a better logo ("I want our logo to be a pair of pink butt cheeks. And I want them to have a little brown smear on them.")? Will Justin be step up now that he finally has a nickname?

Maybe their motto, a quote from Bill Murray's Tripper Harrison, says it all:

"More important than the score of this game is to score at the big social at our place tonight."

Congratulations to Kyle Kiang and his team The Memphis Pros for their recent victory in the UHX Fantastic Basketball Challenge. Many of you might remember Kiang from the early UrbanHonking days when he was an advisor to the Online Magazine aspect of the site and served in the CIO position.

But beyond just being an early UrHo figurehead, Kiang also has previous experience coaching. He took the Jackson Middle School Patriots to a 7th place finish in their inaugural 2000-2001 season. In the 2001-2002 season the Patriots changed their name to the Clippers and finished second in the league.

Before coaching Kiang had a prolific intramural career on Palatine Hill where he earned a record 8 shirts, in Volleyball, Softball, Mixed Doubles Tennis, Badminton, Pickle Ball, Table Tennis, 3 x 3 basketball and inter tube water polo.

Now with a Fantasy League Championship under his belt it will be very exciting to see what comes next for the talented Kiang. We wish him the best of luck!

The Olympics game officially begin tomorrow in Athens, the birthplace of the Modern Olympics. With much more focus on terror threats, doping scandals, and Athens deep struggles in getting things prepared in time, I'm trying to get really excited about how special the Olympics are, even in these times of sponsors being able to control what people eat, drink, wear at the games and when there have been scandals about payouts and fixing the determining the cities for the last few Olympics. The Olympics really are special, so many sports that rarely get coverage, so many countries, and most of the athletes are there for the love of it and competition instead of money.

So, I thought, what is the best way I can honor the specialness of the Olympics and get myself excited about the games....WAGERING, of course! Some good old fashion betting always makes something more special. I have bet Josh Berezin a solid 20 bucks that the good ole USA will take the gold in basketabll, which should be interesting considering the NBA all star laden Americans underachieving in the last few years (including a dismal 6th place finish in the 2002 World Basketball Championships). Needing even more excitement I turned to ESPN.com for some good old fashioned Fantasy Olympics!!! Fantasy Olympics, dudes. How deep is that?


The Olympics soccer competition actually started yesterday (because it takes a long time to play a soccer tournament) with the US women taking out the host Greeks, but the big news was today when the Iraqi soccer team pulled off a huge upset and beat the Portuguese 4-2. Iraq who was not expected to even be in the Olympic competition were huge underdogs to the Euro 2004 runner-up Portuguese, who had maybe the biggest young soccer star in the world on the pitch in Manchester United's Christiano Ronaldo. Finally something to celebrate for the Iraqi people. Iraq becomes my sentimental favorites to win the soccer competition in Athens. I mean, how amazing is it that they even were able to send a team.

Go Olympics!

First, I would like to say thank you to Andrew Peterson for introducing me into the world of fantasy baseball and fantasy sports. As a life long sports fan I always looked down on fantasy sports as taking away interest from the real important stuff (team play, competition) and focused too much on nerdy stats that don't equal wins and losses. In my first season of fantasy baseball I have found that to be both true and false. There is a strong emphasis on stats of single players but it also raises your interest in every game by leaps and bounds. I am paying more attention to baseball this year and it is pumping me up. MLB has had quite a resurgence in the last year plus and it really presenting and fun and exciting product these days and fantasy baseball has made me pay more and closer attention.

The man who introduced me to fantasy baseball, Andrew Peterson, is an experienced and crafty fantasy veteran. He has made this clear in his Yahoo Public league by storming to the top of the standings after a month of play. He has taken a commanding league by maximizing every position he has. If a player isn't producing for him, he makes a move (as shown by his league leading 44 transactions already this season). Andrew has provided me with extraordinary insight and advice and I owe him. If you want to see a fantasy baseball star in action check out his league(his team is The Bees) and if you want to see a fantasy rookie learning the ropes check out my league(my team is Uncle Green Lazers).