True Fan

Tim Does the Double Deuce in Hartford
by Liz

As Steakbellie put it in a recent EatFeats.com comment, when it comes to hot dogs, 40 is the new 20. Just last year, Tim "Eater X" Janus took his hometown qualifier in Hartford with 27.5 HDB. He went on to the big table to eat his personal best on the 4th: 34 HDB. His success with the food seems only to have accelerated and he won his qualifier this year with 41.5, an amazing number to join Pat's 46 and Chip's 39.5. This year may include the highest total of winning qualifier dogs yet.

Just two days after his stunning feat, Tim went on to compete in a chicken wing competition held in Grand Central and co-hosted by SNL's Kenan Thompson. Having not competed in a wings competition since 2005, Tim's performance was all the more amazing. Though he placed third behind Joey and Sonya, he managed not only to eat a pound over his personal best, but to surpass the world record.

True Fan caught up with Tim to ask a few burning questions.

Three short years ago, Don Lerman won the Hartford qualifier with 20 HDBs and you finished a question marky 4th; this year you took it with 41.5, and the second and third place finishers both did the deuce. Do you feel like competitive eaters' abilities will always improve exponentially or do you think eaters' abilities are reaching an inevitable plateau?

I feel pretty confident there's a ceiling.

At-home physical training isn't endorsed by the IFOCE/MLE, but what about mental training? Have you considered the lucrative business of competitive eating meditation retreats? Who would you hire to run the seminars?

Sometimes I think it would be fun to coach other eaters myself. But not right now. I don't want to help anyone beat me. So I'd probably hire my brother Cheeky because he needs the work and doesn't really know anything. Cheeky, if you're reading this, GET A JOB! I don't want you bringing me down no more.

Over the years, the crowd has grown and the Bus of Champions has shrunk. How much does the anticipated awesomeness of the Bus of Champions factor into your desire to make it to the big table? Like, if you knew they were talking sweet reclining seats and a live orchestra and hand massages would you eat more hot dogs than if you knew for sure it was just going to be a rented U-Haul van with no ventilation?

I'm pretty happy riding in any vehicle that's called The Bus of Champions. It doesn't have to be a bus, and it doesn't have to be for champions. I like the name, the romance of it. You know you don't sell the steak; you sell the sizzle.

Who are we going to see at the Nathan's table this year that we didn't see last year?

God willing, Beautiful Brian Seiken.

Your glorious return to wings was marked not only by surpassing the world record and by beating your personal best by over a pound, but also by being joined by Kenan. Tyra, Kenan...which celebrity would you most like to see emceeing a competition next?

Tyra talks too much, and Kenan doesn't say enough. I'm partial to George and Rich. Can't we just stick with them.

Posted on May 23, 2007 | Comments (0)

Think I'll Buy Me A Football Team
by wise

Start the morning with everything on the up and up, looking forward to this week's matches, and end the day being four degrees separated from geedub hisself.

Totally True Rumor: Paulson is going to move the Beavers to Reno and sell the Timbers to Mike Keston, who then enters them as the Columbia Gorge SalmonRunnerz in MLS 2008. No, wait, make that... FC Troutdale Albion.

Also: This week! Hot Playoff Action at Portland Futsal! Tuesday! Argentina Conference Champion Albina Going against Brazil Conference runners-up Sofa Kings! Thursday! My beloved UrbanHonking AC take on the Brazilian (Conference) champions Kiss My Pass! So much at stake!

Posted on May 21, 2007 | Comments (1)

Raising the Bar (Then Hitting the Bar) With 46 HDBs
by Liz

On May 3rd, while most of us were gearing up for Cinco de Mayo, Pat Bertoletti, now the 3rd ranked competitive eater in the world, ate 46 HDBs at the Vegas Nathan's Qualifier. That number makes him the only other person besides Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi to eat over 40 HDBs. It was at the Vegas competition last year that Joey ate a groundbreaking 50, so maybe the second qualifier of the year is a charmed one (though not so much for local Rich LeFevre, who for a second year in a row ate over 30 HDBs in his home state and was powered out of a win). But Pat didn't stop there, he went on to celebrate Cinco de Mayo properly on the 5th with a tamale eating competition outside Houston, eating 51 of the hefty treats and coming in second place to Joey's 53.5. After being disqualified at last year's tamale eating competition for a reversal of fortune, this marks a strong return to a difficult food.

True Fan caught up with Pat on during his recent trip to Mexico. And though he was kind enough to answer some questions for us, due to some technical difficulties involving pina coladas, we had to run Pat's answers through our patented Beer-terpreter.

So, holy shit: 46 HDB. Were you gunning to break Joey's Vegas record specifically?

start this interview off right I must say that I just won the cancun taco eating contest followed by the pina colada drinking contest. I'm pretty sure I drank like 20+ pinas in 2-3 hours. I think that my typing ,spelling and grammar will justify this. 46 was a good number but I trully wanted to break joeys vegas record of 50. There is no bs here, I am certainaly not happy with 46 and hope to improve on it on the 4th, 50 or bust, that is all I say.

Beer-terpretation: Always glad to talk with you, True Fan. I just returned from a lovely dinner. While my score of 46 was certainly noteworthy, no real competitor can ever truly be satisfied knowing he didn't live up to the potential he set forth for himself. Thusly, having not met my goal of defeating Joey's Vegas record, my quest continues unsated.

Last year, when Joey busted out his 50 HDB, some people wondered if he should have kept his talent quiet until the big day, so as not to tip off Kobayashi that he'd improved so much. Obviously he felt differently, and it seems you're in the same camp. Why blow your cover now? Or is it that you are unable to eat below what your talent allows?

I dont think that joey blew his hand too early last year because I think that kobey was a better eater last year. I think that joey has a better chance this year and really could be kobey this year. Joey has awaken the sleeping giant inside of kobey, look at krystals, 97, are you kidding me, I am still in awe of that. I only did 76 my grandmother could eat 76, well when comparing it to joey and kobey is seems possible, not shite against anyone else but they put on a f****** great showl. I hope to break that 20 unit barrier because they normally beat be by 20+ units of food I e nathans and krystal last year. I'm drunk by the way. Speaking of joey, he sets goals for himself and will not rest until be accompishes them. He is by far the best eater america has ever seen. I am not even in the same paragrasph as him, he is a god. Last year he wanted to set a presedent and to prove all the haters and ne sayers.

Beer-terpretation: It is not a matter of tipping one's hand, but a question of whom is the better eater. Last year, Kobayashi demonstrated that he was the superior gurgitator, though he appears to be fueled by Joey's rising capabilities. One clear result of this competitive nature is Kobayashi eating 97 Krystal burgers. My grandmother, from whence my competitive eating skills came, can eat an impressive 76 Krystals, which is coincidentally the same number I was able to consume in the same contest. I hope to break free of the genetic restraints and close the gap between myself and Joey and Koby. I keep a poster of Joey in my room for inspiration.

Do you feel any more pressure with the slick new MLE website, knowing that your audience is growing? Is there any downside to the extra press?

I think the audience is growing and it making us all better eaters. Rios, seaver, and juliet, along with denmark, mongo, and numerous others are all nipping at our heels. This makes us and pushes us to improve. If there wasn't more talent we would settle for mediacrety and less then our best, fresh talent is ideal to keep it interested and to challenge us. More press equals more press, notoriety, contests, and prize money.

Beer-terpretation: I love pina coladas. With the coconut? And the pineapple? And the rum. The rum is totally the best part.

Last year, you had a rather unfortunate time with the Baja Grill tamale competition. Did it feel good to rebound from that so successfully this year?

The tamales is a sore subject. I am not happy with 51, not throwing up yes, but not eating our projected 55-60 really let me down becuase it's only logical that we would all jump to 55-60. I am happy for not puking but not happy that I didn't win or eat up to my potential. That's how I feel for all contests, I cannot and will not eat up to my potential. I know it's stupid but I take this very seriously and anytime i don't eat up to my percieved potential I become unhappy and want to redeem myself. I think all eaters that are serious are only happy with there totals for 20 minutes but are then questioning why they didn;t jump to 80 krystals instead of 76. At least that is how i feal usually a day after all contests. That must be what drives all eaters, a percieve improvement and a lack of content with usual totals. The future of mle and competitive eating should be quite exiting, i'm exited to see how it all plays out.

Beer-terpretation: To quote Theodore Roosevelt, "It is only through work and strife that either nation or individual moves on to greatness. The great man is always the man of mighty effort, and usually the man whom grinding need has trained to mighty effort."

Posted on May 15, 2007 | Comments (0)

A Cracking Shot in Three Parts
by wise

Timbers vs. Rochester, May 13th:

Holy. Who was that?

Oh. Thanks.

Posted on May 15, 2007 | Comments (0)

Reconnecting with Old Friends
by wise

May is such a lovely transition month, don't you agree? Aside from all that prattle about showers and flowers, the Euro leagues wind down and we unabashed US footie fans can finally enjoy the action in the flesh. With Fulham safely out of the drop zone thanks to our boy Dempsey, I can finally put aside the secondary distraction of the London goings-on and revel in the quest for redemption from my beloved Timbers of Portland.

As mentioned before, a Chinese excursion (planned well before the USL schedule was released, of course) prevented me from attending the home opener. And although I did catch a couple of Chinese Super League games on Guangxi Sports, and caught a glimpse of the bird's nest stadium that will be the centerpiece of the 2008 Olympics, I had to accept that spectacles of a sporting nature were not why I had come, and that the Timbers unfortunately would have to wait.

Which makes me very happy to report the wait was worth it. Despite the wrenching heartbreak and backstabbery of seeing Hugo depart to the northern bastards, and losing Byron, Mamba, and Guti (who despite the real lack of minutes was one of the few high points of last season for me), I'm forced to admit that Gavin's rebuilt squad has good potential, if presently unrealized.

Oh wait, I write something like this every year, don't I?

last year, you could almost taste the desperation and yearning, the frustration of a stilted system, questionable substitutions, and no creativity in the midfield. ... They might not be screaming out of the gate, but there's a fertile scent on the wind. The days ahead are full of promise, and undefeated at home is not a bad way to start.

Such tortured prose! That first sentence was originally about Bob Howe's last season, and ended up being even more applicable to the terrible Agnello experiment. OK, patience, must have patience and tempered enthusiasm.

Yesterday's match against Mexico's Club Necaxa, while really not a comparison of similar fruits owing that both squads fielded mostly reserves, showed some second half spark that was promising for the Timbers fan who perennially starts spring with boundless enthusiasm and ends autumn in alcohol-soaked tears of disappointment. After a middling first half that saw Necaxa deep in their shell and no creativity from the Timbers forwards, Necaxa began to push forward around the 40th minute, and forced new keeper Josh Wicks to dive low and fast to save their best chance of the game so far. Things began to get a bit more physical, and the yellow cards referee Brian Hall produced might have reminded the players that there was an actual contest of athleticism going on.

But really, i think Gavin put some horse adrenaline in the Gatorade at halftime, because 30 seconds into the second half, Bryan Jordan stormed out of the gate, slipped between two defenders on a give-and-go, and buried his shot in the lower left corner. Ah, what a welcoming feeling it was, to be engulfed by the sound of 107 erupting in pure bliss. I imagine seeing a video of oneself in these ecstatic moments would be even more off-putting than seeing yourself during sex. Less awkward moaning and head tossing, and more cackling and I-just-killed-a-wild-boar screaming. Or perhaps vice versa. Whichever, it was good to be in that sweet embrace in the afterglow.

Wicks was called on to make a few more saves in the second half, as the Timbers' Scot-Thompson-less defense blundered more than once to give Necaxa breakaways. Good to know that central defense and striker will continue to be problem spots for this club, so I can be prepared when it costs us something bigger. I should also mention that there were sparks of inspiration in the Portland midfield, matched pretty evenly with blasé passes and poor trapping. Having left both my telephoto lens and binoculars at home, I didn't get to see who our left winger was in the second half, but he provided some of the Timbers' few pretty moves to break into space, usually cut off by a foul or errant shot.

And on the ensuing free kicks, it slammed home the unfortunate fact that there was a Hugo-sized hole in our midfield. Hugo's free kicks were a thing of beauty at times, and the thought of those Seattle rat bastards using that against us makes me want to puke. Having not really kept track of Gregor's track record on free kicks (although, two missed penalties in the first game? oh dear), I suppose there's the possibility that we'll do okay in this department, but I'll need some proof this weekend.

Er, tomorrow! Sweet Lord, it's already tomorrow that those pig fuckers make the trip down I-5 to tarnish us with their presence. Well, the Verdiblancos (totally gonna steal that from Zach, no shame... but should it maybe be the Amarilloblancos now?) held on to that one goal lead, the moment of initiative from Jordan winning out on the night as the play descended more and more into gruff displays of physicality. It's a great feeling to have some confidence in your bench going into a two-game weekend and meeting your bitter rivals. Tempered enthusiasm, tempered enthusiasm.

(psst. kickoff's at 8pm on Friday, hour later than usual. kickoff's at 6pm on Sunday, hour earlier than usual)

Posted on May 10, 2007 | Comments (0)

Rock Paper Scissors Tournament
by kmikeym

Last night was the Rock Paper Scissors (RPS) tournament at The Florida Room, a whirlwind double-elimination tournament of 28 competitors that was over in under an hour! Competing for Team UrHo was Josh "The Rock" Berezin and "Paper" Willow.

The prize was a Rainier cooler full of beer schwag, but it seemed that most everyone was really playing for pride. I tried to broker a deal between the people we knew to play The Infinite Draw* but the competitive spirit was too strong.

The rounds were fast. While the judges had the final say and did put in place a "No Weird Bullshit" rule, it was difficult to tell who was moving on and who was being regulated to the loser's bracket. With no breaks and little explanation, it wasn't long before we were watching the final rounds.

*The Infinite Draw is when two players get locked into throwing the same thing over and over and over again for fear that the other person will anticipate their next move.

Posted on May 9, 2007 | Comments (3)