Terms of Psychic Warfare

Oh god. I think Fulham's finally decided to out and out corner the market on Yanks abroad:

Chris Coleman is on the verge of beefing up Fulham's defence by signing rugged USA centre back Oguchi Onyewu from Standard Liege in a deal worth £1million. Onyewu, 24, who played in all three USA games at the World Cup, was attracting interest from Manchester City as well but is keen to link up with international team-mate Clint Dempsey, who is due to sign for Fulham this week. They will be joined by another forward, Roma's former Italy striker Vincenzo Montella.

Look, Chris... can I call you Cookie? Thanks. Cookie, you have this thing in your hands right now. It's called my heart. Now I know Fulham and I have been seeing each other for a while now, and I think we both feel there could be something special here. You've brought quite a bit to the relationship, I admit. I know it's not your fault your best assets get plucked by the prettier belles of the ball, but you always manage to find those charismatic diamonds in the rough (with perhaps a bit of the rough brought in with it for show, that's ok).

But here you go promising the moon and the goddamned stars too. Gooch and Boca on the backline? Dempsey providing service to McBride? Are you trying to make me cream my pants?! Even the mere rumor has reduced me to a gibbering idiot, concocting lineups in my head all day.

Cookie, if you're playing fast and loose with my heart, you're tempting fate. Dempsey's still got that war crimes tribunal to get through, and for all I know, this Gooch rumor is some intern at the Evening Standard yanking my chain. When the window closes, if they're both at Craven Cottage, well then, you could say our relationship might get a bit... closer. Perhaps even .... exclusive? Who knows?

All I know is that that very nice Manchester City team had Damarcus Beasley score a game-winner and get an assist in the following game. They seem very welcoming to us Yanks. And Timmy Howard's such a clutch player for Everton isn't he? Wasn't David Moyes the first to sign McBride? Heck, those literary lyricists at A Pretty Move seem to want some company in the West Ham camp, don't they? And West Ham has Jon Spector....

Well, all these clubs could certainly be warm, inviting shelter for us, Cookie. I don't think you want that, and frankly, I'm not sure I do either. But if you play fast and loose with my heart, Coleman, I might even forget you beat Chelsea last season.