Krystal Killers and Squeezable Buns

Here's a closer look at the two fantasy team that will face off at Saturday's Krystal Burger competition.

"Humble" Bob made a grab for Badlands Booker to take the final spot on the Team Krystal Killers, calling him a "personal hero and a first ballot Hall of Famer." While Badlands won't be able to add hamburgers to the team's final count, his overall (fantasy) effectiveness as coach will be taken into consideration. We think bringing in the retired eater was a smart move on Bob's part. Who wouldn't be inspired by Badlands?

As for the team positions, the captain broke them down like so:

Position Chew
Joey: He did not get the nickname Jaws for nothing. After Brats he
bit a piece of car tire right off of a Ford Mustang that was parked at
the event. I saw it with my own eyes.

Position Stomach Capacity
Kobayashi: Best capacity in the business - to quote Eric on his first CD, "He ate 21 pounds of noodles in Japan."

Position Swallow
Arturo Rios: at the ducks qualifier I think he was swallowing the dogs whole and it did not seem to faze him.

Position Personality
Seaver: who else could this be - the guy has a custom made fire fighter outfit. The women will be flooding ESPN with marriage proposals when they get a look at him.

Position Finesse
Chip: he has those Oakleys with the mp3. He looks like he is just chillin' while at the same time he is throwing down the food.

Positions End, Guard, and Tackle
Boone: He will sit at the END of the bench, GUARD the Gatorade and TACKLE anyone that tries to take any.

Seaver "The Achiever" and Arturo "The Natural" Rios seemed pleased with the results, while Dale "Mouth of the South" Boone lashed back with a stronger opinion: "THE BENCH???????? LOL. [A]fter I beat JASON CONTI AND MILLER AND RIOS AND JUSTIN WE SEE WHO LAUGHING." Indeed, Boone. Although we're concerned about the fact that he seems to be trying to defeat members of his own team. However, we have to give Bob points for putting Boone in charge of defense and offense. Very clever.

You may hear Krystal Killer's team song echoing in the crowd on Saturday:

Taking care of business (every day)
Taking care of business (every way)
We be been taking care of business (it's all mine)
Taking care of business and working overtime

But how will they stack up against their rivals, Team Squeezable Buns?

Crazy Legs surprised us by picking competitive eater Paul Barlow to take up the extra spot on their team as mascot and coach. He added another nickname to Paul's growing list and had this to say about his choice, "We believe 'Super' Paul 'Bonebreaker' Barlow; 'The Krystal Ball' to not be the Nostrodamus of Noslowdunking, but rather a delusional Kreskin of Crunch. When 'Super' Paul 'Bonebreaker' Barlow; 'The Krystal Ball' gazes down at twenty Krystals he thinks he can eat them in two minutes, but then realizes it's much better to enjoy them over eight minutes. We think all his predictions will be wrong, but that his love of the game (the fantasy game particularly) is what will make us prevail."

But will Paul's love of the game trump Booker's skills? And will Carlene really step in as team cheerleader, as rumored? We'll just have to see!

Here's how Captain Conti set up his team:

Position Chew: Tim "Eater X" Janus. What a lot of eating fans don't know is that Tim is a candy nut. He would love to work in the product think tank of a major candy producing company. Because of his lifelong pursuit of esoteric sweets (recently he sampled Economy Candy's Turkish Delight ala Narnia) his teeth have thinned and become brittle. To compensate for this he has been working his jaw with two 1/3 pound dumbbells that attach via straps around his ears. If only technology would catch up to competitive eating, then you could see the X Jaw X ray box on your TV and computer screen. And what you would see, would astound! Tim would also like to consult on the team logo...he's felt a lot of buns.

Position Stomach:
We don't believe in water training and as for your diaper comment. Team Bertoletti (aka Team Spacedock) will be resplendent in diapers in Chatty. They wear Adult Depends mostly for post-contest party issues, but they wear them well. The deadly Black Widow is our Stomachgirl and if Rich Shea doesn't say during the broadcast that, "Sonya has the stomach capacity of the Grand Coolee Dam" I'll eat my hat. Her stomach is a bottomless sinkhole of destruction. Because of the coin toss that gave the Krystal Killjoys Kobayashi, we have asked Sonya to open up her rarely used west wing of her stomach to accommodate the plus sixty Krystals she will throw down.

Position Swallow:
Pat Bertoletti. Rumor has it that Disney has optioned the life rights to, "The 48th Tamale." This amazing tamale will be featured in an animated movie of the same name. It is the story of a little tamale that gets separated from its parents and is raised in a Habanero Chili filled volcano. From the molten ash combined with the hot peppers, a little bland tamale grew into a spicy tamale adult; hotter than the sun. This tamales place in history was cemented when it made the unflappable Spacedocker reverse in 2006. It gave Whitebread Simpson his first win and set him on a path of confidence. At the same time, the little tamale left some of its magical spice dust on the inside of Pat Bertoletti. It has allowed him to compete in hot peppers with no ill effects and is like a built in Keep-Elvis-In-The-Building safeguard. Look to the other side for your reversal...Standing near Dale Bufoone is like trying to get Shamu's autograph at Sea World, watch the spray. My only advice for Hubris Bob is to keep The Mess from The South on the bench where he can only make so much of a mess.

Position Personality:
There was only one true star of, "The smaller screen" - the webcast internet Krystalcam. And in this contest there will be one true star of the small screen on ESPN. Know what every drunk Philly fan realized when they watched the Jumbotron at Wing Bowl, when the retired accountant throws off his falling glasses and works the mandibles that he calls hands, Women swoon and men break down in tears. He is a cross between Hugh Hefner and Mr. Magoo...and the future constellation that will burn so bright this week-end is Rich "The Las Vegas Locust" LaFevre.

Position Finesse:
The webcams don't lie, armchair eating critics who post on eatfeats do. Go back and watch Atlanta. Watch Perry. Watch Jackson...Bustin' Justin Mih is, as George Shea would say, "Poetry in Motion". He is the Linda Blair of pro-eating and will be performing a Krystal exorcism on Saturday; possessed, his stomach will spin 360 degrees. You asked, "Ease and Beauty" I answer Bustin' Justin!

Some interesting choices for Squeezable Buns! Will Bertoletti be able to avoid a tamale-esque return for Position Swallow? Will Tim be able to come up with a better logo ("I want our logo to be a pair of pink butt cheeks. And I want them to have a little brown smear on them.")? Will Justin be step up now that he finally has a nickname?

Maybe their motto, a quote from Bill Murray's Tripper Harrison, says it all:

"More important than the score of this game is to score at the big social at our place tonight."