Team Krystal Killers Lives Up to Name
by LizandKrista
We really hope you were home glued to your ESPN2 (or at least to your TiVo later) for the Krystal Square Off on Saturday. The nation witnessed some real world class eating when Kobayashi polished off his 97th slider, with Joey only half a Sackful behind, slaying the world record by 30 burgers. Impressive.
Even more impressive was the total efforts of the Krystal Killers, who ended up beating the Squeezable Buns by over a hundred points. I know this might seem like a sound beating, and we guess it was, it was only because a lot of people performed even better than our expectations!
We broke down the score card into some hard numbers, tallying the amount of burgers each player ate, comparing it to their personal best, adding in points for the sign-toting fans, and giving players points for pulling into the lead. Points were deducted if players ate under their personal best or had any small reversals. Subjective points (1-5) were awarded for how well the players fulfilled the positions given to them by their coach (or how well they coached). Points were also given for how well the teams' bonus players seemed to add to the overall effectiveness of the team. A subjective one point deduction was taken away from any player who had a "look of defeat" and while we were going to originally deduct for prolonged dunking or general sloppiness, we thought it was too hard to judge based only on who the camera was focusing on. Although we will say that Kobayashi is very neat eater, while Joey had a bit of a burger buns facial.
Here's a look at the final score card (click to enlarge):
We thought by giving players points for how many over their personal best they did would really give an advantage to non-Koby players, but holy crap if Koby and Joey both ate about 30 over their personal best, making Pat's super achievement of doing the same look negligible on the score card. We would like to note that Pat (Squeezable Buns) made the best improvement, eating 58% better than his personal best. Joey rounds in second (he can't catch a break!) with a whopping 47% improvement, while Kobayashi held on to a 41% improvement. Those are some serious numbers. Almost every eater made an improvement on their personal best, except Seaver (ate one less), Justin (ate the same), and Sonya, who had a 15% falloff.
True Fan extends big congratulations to all the Krystal Square Off stars this year. The way things are going, we know we have group more powerful than ever heading into the winter eating season, and we can't wait to be there for it all.
Posted on October 29, 2006 | Comments (6)
Krystal Killers and Squeezable Buns
by LizandKrista
Here's a closer look at the two fantasy team that will face off at Saturday's Krystal Burger competition.
"Humble" Bob made a grab for Badlands Booker to take the final spot on the Team Krystal Killers, calling him a "personal hero and a first ballot Hall of Famer." While Badlands won't be able to add hamburgers to the team's final count, his overall (fantasy) effectiveness as coach will be taken into consideration. We think bringing in the retired eater was a smart move on Bob's part. Who wouldn't be inspired by Badlands?
As for the team positions, the captain broke them down like so:
Position Chew
Joey: He did not get the nickname Jaws for nothing. After Brats he
bit a piece of car tire right off of a Ford Mustang that was parked at
the event. I saw it with my own eyes.Position Stomach Capacity
Kobayashi: Best capacity in the business - to quote Eric on his first CD, "He ate 21 pounds of noodles in Japan."Position Swallow
Arturo Rios: at the ducks qualifier I think he was swallowing the dogs whole and it did not seem to faze him.Position Personality
Seaver: who else could this be - the guy has a custom made fire fighter outfit. The women will be flooding ESPN with marriage proposals when they get a look at him.Position Finesse
Chip: he has those Oakleys with the mp3. He looks like he is just chillin' while at the same time he is throwing down the food.Positions End, Guard, and Tackle
Boone: He will sit at the END of the bench, GUARD the Gatorade and TACKLE anyone that tries to take any.
Seaver "The Achiever" and Arturo "The Natural" Rios seemed pleased with the results, while Dale "Mouth of the South" Boone lashed back with a stronger opinion: "THE BENCH???????? LOL. [A]fter I beat JASON CONTI AND MILLER AND RIOS AND JUSTIN WE SEE WHO LAUGHING." Indeed, Boone. Although we're concerned about the fact that he seems to be trying to defeat members of his own team. However, we have to give Bob points for putting Boone in charge of defense and offense. Very clever.
You may hear Krystal Killer's team song echoing in the crowd on Saturday:
Taking care of business (every day)
Taking care of business (every way)
We be been taking care of business (it's all mine)
Taking care of business and working overtime
But how will they stack up against their rivals, Team Squeezable Buns?
Crazy Legs surprised us by picking competitive eater Paul Barlow to take up the extra spot on their team as mascot and coach. He added another nickname to Paul's growing list and had this to say about his choice, "We believe 'Super' Paul 'Bonebreaker' Barlow; 'The Krystal Ball' to not be the Nostrodamus of Noslowdunking, but rather a delusional Kreskin of Crunch. When 'Super' Paul 'Bonebreaker' Barlow; 'The Krystal Ball' gazes down at twenty Krystals he thinks he can eat them in two minutes, but then realizes it's much better to enjoy them over eight minutes. We think all his predictions will be wrong, but that his love of the game (the fantasy game particularly) is what will make us prevail."
But will Paul's love of the game trump Booker's skills? And will Carlene really step in as team cheerleader, as rumored? We'll just have to see!
Here's how Captain Conti set up his team:
Position Chew: Tim "Eater X" Janus. What a lot of eating fans don't know is that Tim is a candy nut. He would love to work in the product think tank of a major candy producing company. Because of his lifelong pursuit of esoteric sweets (recently he sampled Economy Candy's Turkish Delight ala Narnia) his teeth have thinned and become brittle. To compensate for this he has been working his jaw with two 1/3 pound dumbbells that attach via straps around his ears. If only technology would catch up to competitive eating, then you could see the X Jaw X ray box on your TV and computer screen. And what you would see, would astound! Tim would also like to consult on the team logo...he's felt a lot of buns.Position Stomach:
We don't believe in water training and as for your diaper comment. Team Bertoletti (aka Team Spacedock) will be resplendent in diapers in Chatty. They wear Adult Depends mostly for post-contest party issues, but they wear them well. The deadly Black Widow is our Stomachgirl and if Rich Shea doesn't say during the broadcast that, "Sonya has the stomach capacity of the Grand Coolee Dam" I'll eat my hat. Her stomach is a bottomless sinkhole of destruction. Because of the coin toss that gave the Krystal Killjoys Kobayashi, we have asked Sonya to open up her rarely used west wing of her stomach to accommodate the plus sixty Krystals she will throw down.Position Swallow:
Pat Bertoletti. Rumor has it that Disney has optioned the life rights to, "The 48th Tamale." This amazing tamale will be featured in an animated movie of the same name. It is the story of a little tamale that gets separated from its parents and is raised in a Habanero Chili filled volcano. From the molten ash combined with the hot peppers, a little bland tamale grew into a spicy tamale adult; hotter than the sun. This tamales place in history was cemented when it made the unflappable Spacedocker reverse in 2006. It gave Whitebread Simpson his first win and set him on a path of confidence. At the same time, the little tamale left some of its magical spice dust on the inside of Pat Bertoletti. It has allowed him to compete in hot peppers with no ill effects and is like a built in Keep-Elvis-In-The-Building safeguard. Look to the other side for your reversal...Standing near Dale Bufoone is like trying to get Shamu's autograph at Sea World, watch the spray. My only advice for Hubris Bob is to keep The Mess from The South on the bench where he can only make so much of a mess.
Position Personality:
There was only one true star of, "The smaller screen" - the webcast internet Krystalcam. And in this contest there will be one true star of the small screen on ESPN. Know what every drunk Philly fan realized when they watched the Jumbotron at Wing Bowl, when the retired accountant throws off his falling glasses and works the mandibles that he calls hands, Women swoon and men break down in tears. He is a cross between Hugh Hefner and Mr. Magoo...and the future constellation that will burn so bright this week-end is Rich "The Las Vegas Locust" LaFevre.
Position Finesse:
The webcams don't lie, armchair eating critics who post on eatfeats do. Go back and watch Atlanta. Watch Perry. Watch Jackson...Bustin' Justin Mih is, as George Shea would say, "Poetry in Motion". He is the Linda Blair of pro-eating and will be performing a Krystal exorcism on Saturday; possessed, his stomach will spin 360 degrees. You asked, "Ease and Beauty" I answer Bustin' Justin!
Some interesting choices for Squeezable Buns! Will Bertoletti be able to avoid a tamale-esque return for Position Swallow? Will Tim be able to come up with a better logo ("I want our logo to be a pair of pink butt cheeks. And I want them to have a little brown smear on them.")? Will Justin be step up now that he finally has a nickname?
Maybe their motto, a quote from Bill Murray's Tripper Harrison, says it all:
"More important than the score of this game is to score at the big social at our place tonight."
Posted on October 26, 2006 | Comments (1)
Announcing Fantasy Eating!
by LizandKrista
We would like to announce the launch of Fantasy Eating to commence during the Krystal Burger competition on October 28th in Chattanooga Tennessee.
Two teams will face each other for a head-to-head fantasy eating battle. This idea is based on the Fantasy Football idea (Krista would like to thank her new job at the NFL for the inspiration), but we are modifying it to fit the sport of competitive eating...because that's how we roll. However, there is a twist, unlike Fantasy Football, the actual eaters will be participating in our fantasy contest.
The two team captains will be "Humble" Bob Shoudt and Crazy Legs Conti. Each team captain was randomly given an equal number of people (with one exception because of the uneven number of contestants) and will select which person will be in what eating position. The positions are as follows:
Position Chew (good jaw strength)
Position Stomach Capacity (they have been water training since they were in diapers)
Position Swallow (not one to ever have a reversal)
Position Personality (someone who looks good in front of the camera and/or knows how to use their God-given charisma)
Position Finesse (an ease and beauty when eating)
Each team can also choose one person, not competing at Krystal Burger Finals, to serve as the team mascot or coach. The captain not only gets to decide what position each person will play, but they also got to name their team.
The two teams are as follows:
Team Krystal Killers
Captain "Humble" Bob
Joey Chestnut
Chip Simpson
Seaver Miller
Dale Boone
Arthur Rios
Kobayashi
Team Squeezable Buns
Captain Crazy Legs Conti
Pat Bertoletti
Sonja Thomas
Tim Janus
Rich LeFevre
Justin Mih
The winning team will be chosen using normal fantasy sport scoring. Players earn points based on their performance during the competition. Criteria for each point earned will be revealed during the close of competition.
Lots more to come. We have fight songs being selected, logos being designed, and team captains ready to come to fantasy blows for their fantasy team.
Posted on October 26, 2006 | Comments (2)
Barista Champion!
by kmikeym
The 2006 Northwest Regional Barista Competition is over and Portland did very well. The six finalists were written on a white board: Billy, Kyle, Lindsey, Jon, Maki, and Kevin. Klaus Thomson, the reigning World Barista Champion, was the MC and after what seemed like a never-ending run of "thank yous" and mentions of sponsors, he finally announced the winners!
We here at UrbanHonking congratulate Albina Press for taking home two of the top three spots and cementing Portland's reputation as the home of coffee-culture in the northwest! (the specific winners are announced in the video below)
Posted on October 22, 2006 | Comments (2)
