Making Krammerhead Eat His Hat

When we last left our heroes and villains, the last playoff spot hung in the balance, and cracks were beginning to show in the normally united front the Timbers Army (which is not to downplay the many subcultures and groups already within the Army). The question hung in the air like an overcast Portland sky. What would the last two home games of the regular season bring?

Thursday's matchup against the Atlanta Silverbacks did see the stepped up security and police presence as expected. But despite the fear that most Army members would be ignorant of the "boycott" of the Shed and PGE concessions, 107 stood empty, parted like the Red Sea, save for a handful of fans. Most of the dispersal went to neighboring sections 106 and 108, but a medium-sized crowd gathered at the eastern gate waving flags and banners.

Tension was high as the Timbers took the field. Coach Bobby Howe decided to line up with Antoniuk and Conway pressing forward, saving Byron Alvarez for the moment. The game's first 15 minutes saw Hugo Alcaraz-Cuellar in typical form, slicing and dicing the right wing and putting up crosses reliably. A free kick from Hugo to Antoniuk went just over the bar, and then Dizzy tried a beautiful bicycle kick that missed by inches.

The Timbers were certainly knocking on the door, but it wasn't until minute 43 that Dizzy turned a chest trap from Scot Thompson and rocketed it into the net. First blood, Timbers! Smoke poured out from the east gate, reportedly enraging the blueshirt security while PPD officers merely smiled and looked on. In fact, most of the police presence seemed more interested in watching the game than the fans, quite probably having a keener perspective on the absurdity of their position than PGE Park management. On the Army side, it was evident a slow change in chant wording was underway, but with half the members shouting the original words and the other half shouting something completely different, it was hard for anyone to make out anything, much less who was swearing. Hmmm, a new tactic in the language wars?

Unfortunately, two minutes after the goal, the veteran Paul Conway slid into a shot that hit the side netting, and in the fall dislocated his right elbow. Conway went straight to the locker room for treatment, and the Timbers played the rest of stoppage time a man short while Byron warmed up.

The Silverbacks had a few chances throughout the first half, but standout keeping from Josh Saunders would deny them all. One only needed to glance at the halftime stats to see the foreshadowing. The Timbers were outshooting Atlanta 12-1. Then, only six minutes into the second half, Alvarez would once again display his finess by poking the ball through Atlanta's back line and slipping one past keeper Joe Barton (mpg video courtesy of Allison Andrews' always excellent match report). Barton was able to get a deflection on the ball, slowing it enough that defender Machel Millwood could attempt to clear it off the line, but it was too late, as the linesman judged it to have already crossed the line. 2-0, Timbers.

The Silverbacks were able to get some semblance of their shit together for about 5 minutes, when after moving the ball down the right wing and crossing it into space with a dummy, Alex Pineda-Chacon found himself unmarked from 12 yards out and beat Saunders to the upper corner. A small melee ensued when the Tarnishedbacks rushed in to grab the ball, presumably for the quick restart, but Scot Thompson had already grabbed it. Thompson got a shoulder to the face for his trouble, and Edwin Miranda picked up a puzzling yellow card for what appeared to be an attempt to keep the peace. But the more important question on the lips of Timbers fans everywhere: was it a fluke, or would we see yet another late-game breakdown for the Timbers?

It hung in the balance as Milwood would get a header requiring another save from Saunders, and at the other end, Miranda's stiff shot nearly broke Barton's nose.

The white board in 106 went up: At the 75th minute, it commanded, flood 107.

But the flood gates on the field were opened in the 72nd minute. Dizzy. Miranda. Miranda again! Dizzy for the hat trick! 6-1 Timbers!! Unfortunately denied in the goal run was a brilliant step up by Scot-with-one-T Thompson, who after defending a ball and beating a man, saw no one in front of him and decided to break forward with his patented blistering speed. Apparantly dispensing with conventional defending, Silverback Kristopher Stone bulldozed Thompson to the ground just outside the box, earning a flat-out red card. Stone's thuggish style would be indicative of how Atlanta coped with their slow-motion meltdown.

By the end, 107 was more lively than it had ever been, drumming, singing, and trumpeting the team to victory (okay, i know that photo's from the richmond game, but he totally was at the Atlanta game, OK?). It seemed the Army was one big happy family again. Awwwwww.

Well, it was one down, and one to go. There was a chance Portland could make the playoffs regardless if Puerto Rico were to lose to Toronto the following day, but when PR stuffed the bottom-feeding Lynx 3-0, the Timbers' task was all the more clearer: Beat Richmond.

And beat them they did. Although Richmond, sporting their Arby's chef uniforms, looked a much more menacing team than Atlanta, the Timbers' boost of confidence and home field advantage proved too much in the end. Some early back line mistakes saw Richmond getting shots in that Saunders, Thompson, and crew had to work doubletime to save, and most of the first 15 minutes were wasted as Portland tried to find their rhythm again.

It wasn't until the 35th minute that the Timbers' Defending Poet Scot Thompson stepped up to a Hugo free kick and headed it through to the waiting net. In fact, the Timbers proceeded to give the crowd a clinic on proper heading, getting all three goals on headed crosses. Dizzy's height was no match for his marker at the 84th minute, and Byron closed the game out in the 88th, receiving beautiful service from Hugo, and marching straight to the beer garden to receive his accolades.

Hugo's exemplary play throughout the year was recognized both by the Timbers fans voting him as Timbers Supporters Player of the Year, and by the league itself as the year's Assist Leader.

So with a 3-0 sweep of the Kickers, the Timbers took full control of 5th place, and earned their spot among Montreal, Rochester, Vancouver, Seattle, and Richmond in the first playoff leg. First up, a home-and-away series against archenemy Seattle, starting this Friday, Sept. 16th at PGE Park. The return leg will be Sunday the 18th in Tukwila, and will be televised live on Fox Soccer Channel. Viva Los Timbers! Vaya con Timber Jim!