Things Learned as a Bunnette

There is a time change from Nashville to Chattanooga.
I hadn't realized that there was a time difference between Nashville, where I flew in, and
Chattanooga, where I was headed for the fourth annual Krystal Square Off taking place the next day. But suddenly my cell phone's clock automatically updated and I was an hour late for the welcome reception for all the eaters. However, since the car rental agency gave me a little red Mustang--a surefire speeding ticket in the waiting--and I had already decided I couldn't risk more than five miles over the speed limit, I just settled in and accepted the fact that I'd get there when I'd get there.

The Krystal organizers are serious about putting on a good show.
Brad Wahl, the vice president of marketing for Krystal, welcomed everyone on Saturday night and went over the plan for the next day. I thought he was joking as he went down the list of pyrotechnics involved on stage-fireworks, 30-foot flames, confetti cannons-but they were all very real. The stage would be on the water and perfect for gathering a huge crowd.

Those Krystal people sure give out good swag.
It was like what I imagine going to a Hollywood award show would be like. All the eaters got bags filled with Krystal coasters, shirts, head and wrist bands, beach chairs, and a lifesize crystal Krystal. The headbands were a little on the small size, but Pat Bertoletti finally figured out they worked pretty well as throat warmers. Football jerseys without padding kinda look like pirate shirts. When Hall Hunt first put on the Krystal jersey, I have to admit the first thing I thought of was Seinfeld's puffy shirt.

It also turns out that there is a lot of thought that goes into competition jersey design. Kenny, of Krystal Lovers Blog fame, said they watched hours of competition footage to determine that the best logo placement on a shirt is on the front of the shirt sleeves, right below the shoulder. They tried to do that for these jerseys, but it would have required a special order that was just too expensive in the end. Except for the puffy sleeves, the jerseys looked great, with each eater's last name written across the back of their own shirt above a list of this year's competitors. It's good they focused on the last names, because poor Erik "The Red" Denmark is doomed to always have his first name spelled with a "c", as it was in tiny letters.

Even competitive eaters the night before a huge competition have a hard time turning down a free trip to Krystal.
Kenny took a big group of us out to a Krystal down the street after the welcoming reception. Last year, only a couple people took him up on the offer, but this year it was a full fieldtrip. Though a lot of eaters say they fast the night before a competition, I can attest to the fact that there were several burgers, a few orders of fries, some milkshakes, an apple turnover, and a couple gallons of diet soda consumed. Maybe they were thinking there was no way they'd eat as much as Tim "Eater X" Janus, Rich LeFevre, Crazy Legs Conti, and Allen Goldstein had eaten in any case. Those hardcore competitors couldn't turn down a ramen noodle competition that went down earlier that afternoon and would have to face their trays of Krystals with a bellyful of noodles a very recent memory.

Kenny can beat Joey in a Krystal competition.
But only if Joey doesn't know they're actually in competition until Kenny has finished his one Krystal and announced to Joey that he won. Even though Kenny is teasing, Joey will get a little defensive, but can be placated if you point out that by those rules, he beat Kenny in the apple turnover competition he didn't know they were having. Score's even, boys.

Two TVs in your room doesn't mean there's anything good on.
I watched "It", a couple episodes of "Law & Order" and a good 20 minutes of the making of that new bee movie. Then my brain tried to make an escape and I had to turn them off.

High heels are a poor footwear choice for being a Krystal Counter/Bunnette.
I knew I would be counting for Pat Bertoletti and wasn't sure how the stage would be set up. He's a tall dude, and I am but 5'4. I figured heels would be a must in this situation. I did not, however, really account for the fact that the entire competition would be outside and there would be a lot of walking around on grass and up and down giant stairs/seating arranged along the giant hill in front of the stage. I didn't think I'd be magically teleporting from the hotel room to the stage, but I sure didn't think this one through. I spent a lot of the pre-competition running around with heels sinking into the grass and tottering up and down those giant freaking stairs. The other Counters were looking particularly cute and practical in sneakers and flip flops.

Even if you are told there is a very specific schedule, sometimes you're just kinda thrown out there.
There was some rushed instructions about the eaters all arriving to the staging area in Corvettes and that we would each escort one eater to the autograph area. That sounded simple enough, but I'm the type of person that functions really well with numbered directions and colorful maps. But there was no time for that, because one minute we were all milling around, and the next minute Kitty-the head Krystal Counter-was lining us up and telling us to go. I got Allen Goldstein's car and bumbled around for a few seconds not knowing if I should open the door or hold his arm or what. And was this being filmed? It turned out not to matter much, as it all worked out. Allen was so pumped I don't think he realized he had a bunnette on his arm that he knew. He jogged ecstatically to the autograph tent. About ten minutes later, he turned to say hi to me.

George Shea loves Gwen Stefani's "Sweet Escape."
That song got played a lot. At one point, George Shea, who was announcing, brought all the
bunnettes on stage and everyone danced to it, including George. This was also when he announced I was the winner of the bunnette search and everyone cheered. That will probably be my only time being the recipient of cheers on a competitive eating stage, so I took it all in and shook my pompoms like no one's business.

You don't get a very good view of the competition from behind.
Even though I was right in the thick of it, I couldn't really watch the competition. My eyes were trained on the official judge parked in front of Pat who was feeding me totals so I could flip the right number up on my counter. I could catch Joey and Bob's numbers because their judges were also right in front of me, but the rest of the contest happened just outside my periphery. Obviously, I wasn't in a position to take any pictures or anything, so I was more amped up than usual with nowhere to put my excitement except into my cheering.

I really enjoyed cheerleading.
Like, maybe I should have been a cheerleader. I mean, if I hadn't gone to the hippie high school with no cheerleading. Or sports. And if I hadn't quit gymnastics in middle school after hitting my head trying to do a back handspring. And that I would never have been caught dead cheerleading when I was 16. I mean all that aside, I would have made a killer cheerleader.

An eating competition is a rollercoaster of emotions when you're part of it.
There's all the anticipatory build up, then there's the actual competition, then all the craziness
surrounding the theatrics of it all: the streamers flying around, the confetti raining down, the fireworks and flames shooting out. And while I'm not usually rooting for one particular eater over another, in this case, I had something invested in Pat. People pretty much thought this was Joey's competition to win, but I was really holding out for Pat. And I was there for every Krystal he ate and felt every one he didn't, and could tell where his closest competitors were edging him out. At the end, when Joey broke 100 and Bob beat Pat by a single burger, I knew how hard that third place finish would hit him. But then: holy fuck, 103 burgers! And where did Bob come from! Total excitement, disappointment, and exhilaration all rolled together.

Pic by Curt.

103 Krystals will make Joey one happy guy.
Eaters don't usually stop to smile in the last precious seconds of a competition, but there was no holding back the pure happiness that broke over Joey's face as he shattered the world record and went into triple digits.

It doesn't matter how many Krystals you ate; afterwards, there's always room for beer.
And in a few hours, fries and wings.