True Fan's Awkwardly Earnest Guide For The New Yank Fan Of The Premiership, Part 1 (of 4)

Basic League Info

The official name of England's highest level of soccer is Barclay's FA Premier League, but you'll probably always hear it referred to as either the Premiership, the Prem, or the EPL. British English speakers pronounce it PREM-ier-ship, and Europhiles may make fun of you if you say prem-EAR-ship, but then, they're already making fun of you for one thing or the other, so who really cares? Also, some tightwads will be sure to insist that "EPL" is A TOTALLY INCORRECT AND UNALLOWABLE TRANSGRESSION AGAINST THE HOLY PREMIERSHIP. OK, so i'm exaggerating, but it's created a ton of pointless flamewars on more than one message board, despite the fact that if you actually say EPL, everyone knows exactly what you're talking about.

The league season begins in mid-to-late August and runs through winter until May. The Premiership consists of 20 teams, and each team plays every other team exactly twice: once home, once away for a total of 38 games. Whoever sits at the top of the table (based on points, 3 for a win, 1 for a draw, 0 for loss) at the end of the season is that year's champion. This means that sometimes the winner is already known well before the league ends... other times, it comes down to a deciding contest, as it almost did year. Last year, Manchester United led Chelsea by a handful of points all season, and it came down to the final weeks before Chelsea were mathematically out of the running.

At the end of each season, the bottom three finishers are relegated to the Coca-Cola Championship (CCC), the league just below the Premiership, and three teams from the CCC are promoted up into the Premiership. the CCC uses a slight playoff format to decide the promoted clubs. I believe the top two go through automatically, and spots three through six have a playoff match to determine the third slot. Last year, Sunderland, Birmingham City, and Derby County were the three winners and will join the top flight this year.

The top four finishers in the league earn spots in the UEFA Champions League tournament (top two go directly to the group stages, third and fourth must play their way into the group stages from lower rounds), while the fifth, sixth, and seventh place finishers may qualify for the lower-tier UEFA Cup tournament (fifth place automatically earns a place, but sixth and seventh depend on the result of the FA Cup and League Cup tournaments).

Part of the romance of the English soccer pyramid for soccer players is the technically possible albeit highly unlikely chance that you could start your own amateur team in your local sunday pub league, win every division you play in, and get promoted all the way up through the ladder of leagues into the Premiership.

The Big Four

Manchester United
Backstory: Of course very storied and one of the most recognizable teams the world over, as well as last year's champion. Although their history is quite deep, each incarnation will probably now always be compared against the high-water mark of 1999, when they won the "treble": the league title, the FA Cup, and the UEFA Champions League all in the same season. The UEFA Champions League match was probably one of the biggest comebacks in sports history, as Bayern Munich led the game 1-0 into second half injury time, and United put away 2 goals in stoppage to win the game. United began a very successful strategy of developing local youth players back in the 40's, and David Beckham, Gary and Paul Neville, and Paul Scholes all came from this youth system. United also recently won the league title in 2000, 2001, and 2003.

Coach: Sir Alex Ferguson, a hard-nosed scotsman, has been at the helm for United just over 20 years. Very iconic presence in English soccer, sort of a Tom Landry/George Halas/Pat Riley kind of figure.

Famous Players: Back in the day, George Best. More recently, David Beckham, Eric Cantona, Ruud Van Nistlerooy, and Roy Keane. Currently, Ryan Giggs, Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo, Paul Scholes, Edwin Van Der Sar.

Ryan's Favorite United Player: probably Wayne Rooney or Ryan Giggs, but Rio Ferdinand gets a vote for sure.

Ownership Soap Opera: United were hostily taken over in 2005 by Tampa Bay Buccaneers' owner Malcolm Glazer, who financed hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of debt to buy the club, and delisted them from the stock exchange, despite huge fan opposition.

Any Yanks?: None at the moment. Tim Howard had a brief spell a few years ago in goal for United, and was probably the first American to get significant first team time for them, but a series of high-profile mistakes benched him, and this season he completed a move to Everton, where he did quite well. A similar story applies to defender Jon Spector, and Giuseppe Rossi, an Italian-American (Italian parents, not sure where he was born, but raised in New Jersey) striker, was loaned out to Parma, and has now moved on to Villareal. Rossi hasn't been "cap-tied" to a specific nation yet, so he still has the option of playing for Italy or the US. This leads to long-winded arguments on BigSoccer.com about whether he "owes" something to the USA for raising him or whether he'd just be a simple mercenary taking the US as his safety school after his almost inevitable failure to make the Italian World Cup squad.

Last Year's Finish: First

Significant Offseason Changes: United will add, in one of the most drawn out soap opera transfers, Argentinian Carlos Tevez, who is sure to be on the short list for most goals this year. Also, defensive midfielder Owen Hargreaves will come in from Bayern Munich, and singly-named midfielders Nani and Anderson (Portugese and Brazilian, respectively) should spice up United's attack quite a bit, unless the chemistry isn't there.

Liverpool
Backstory: In terms of trophies, the most successful team in English soccer history. 18 League titles, according to wikipedia, and a slew of FA Cups and UEFA Cups under those tournament's various incarnations over the years. Liverpool haven't won a league title since 1990, but have appeared in many UEFA Champions League tournaments and FA Cups since then. Most notably, the 2005 Champions League final against AC Milan saw Milan go up 3-0 in the first half, only to have Liverpool score 3 in the second half, send it to penalties, and then win the shootout. Liverpool then returned to last year's Champions League final in a rematch of the 2005 final with AC Milan, but Milan were too much for Liverpool this time, and the match was lost 2-1.

Coach: Rafael Benitez (Rafa), a Spaniard who has only recently joined the club, and has begun to build a squad with more and more of his countrymen. This may be why Liverpool recently have shown better in European competition than in the Premeirship. Since the club was struggling before and during his tenure it's really unknown how long he'll be given before results are demanded.

Famous Players: Steven Gerrard, Xabi Alonso, Peter Crouch (for varying degrees of "famous"), Robbie Fowler (whose contract was not renewed this year).

Ryan's Favorite Liverpool Player: quite possibly John Arne Riise for his outside shots. He'll take a 30-yard laser-guided volley, and the ball never lifts more than two feet off the ground.

Ownership Soap Opera: the Dubai International Capital investment group, headed by Sheikh Mohammed, the Prime Minister and Vice President(!) of the United Arab Emirates, emerged in talks to takeover Liverpool for somewhere north of 479 million pounds... that's over $900 million. But American businessmen George Gillett and Tom Hicks eventually won ownership for 470 million pounds. Gillett is also owner of the Montreal Canadiens, and Hicks counts the Texas Rangers and Dallas Stars in his holdings.

Any Yanks?: Not a one, as far as I know. Brad Friedel had a short tenure here, but coach Gerard Houllier was hired after he came on, who had a notorious habit of throwing his keepers under the bus when they made mistakes. since Brad was the previous coach's pick, he was shown the door soon after some bad performances.

Last Year's Finish: Third

Significant Offseason Changes: Liverpool's biggest signing this summer was Spaniard Fernando Torres, who will hopefully solve Liverpool's striking woes. Agile Israeli Yossi Benayoon was pried away from West Ham United, and Andriy Voronin will come over from Bayer Leverkusen.

Arsenal
Backstory: Founded by workers at the Royal Woolwich Arsenal in London in 1886, Arsenal has had mixed success over the years, but has managed to win the league thirteen times and the FA Cup ten times. Arsenal played Barcelona in the 2006 Champions League final, which saw Jens Lehmann red carded, Emmanuel Eboue take a dive for which Arsenal scored on the following free kick, and then two unanswered goals for Barcelona to win. Since current coach Arsene Wenger has been in charge, Arsenal have radically revamped their style into a free-flowing pass-and-move outfit, and at the peak of their ability are really a beautiful team to watch (although recently in games with everything on the line they have played deep in a defensive shell hoping to outlast the opponents' siege). If there's any team of the Big Four that most consistently and reliably play "beautiful football" it would be Arsenal. Arsenal have the unique distinction of having gone completely undefeated in the 2004 season, going ultimately 49 games before finally losing, a feat not done since 1889, if i remember the on-screen graphic correctly.

Coach: Arsene Wenger (pronounced VEN-ger), a frenchman who also brought continental players over, eventually having not a single English player in their ranks for the aforementioned Champions League final. He's been with the club for ten years, and has taken much of the credit for building quality sides over the years, as well as bringing phenomenal players such as Dennis Bergkamp and Thierry Henry to Arsenal.

Famous Players: Thierry Henry left the club in a not-so-shocking move to Barcelona this summer, and now the list of who could take up the mantle is quite long with no front runner: Cesc Fabregas, Robbie van Persie, Gilberto Silva, and Tomas Rosicky would probably be one short list. Previous standouts who have since left the club include Patrick Viera (now with Inter Milan) and Sol Campbell (now with Portsmouth).

Ryan's Favorite Arsenal Player: Thierry Henry was their best, no question about it. Now that he's gone, there's no one who quite fills those shoes, although i do like Alexander Hleb, maybe because he's a Belorussian with some fancy moves, and Rosicky on form is a great player.

Ownership Soap Opera: actually, i've never heard anything about Arsenal's owners.

Any Yanks?: Nope. They'd have to be something really special to break into this lineup.

Last Year's Finish: Fourth

Significant Offseason Changes: Arsenal perplexed me this offseason by losing Henry and not really signing anyone of similar stature. Wenger chose to only sign four new players unproven in anything matching the Premiership (Lujasz Fabianski, Eduardo da Silva, Havard Nordtveit, and Bacary Sagna, if you must know), and definitely not on many people's radar. Unless Arsene gets this squad to be more than the sum of their parts, a top four finish may be at risk.


Chelsea
Backstory: Chelsea are relative newcomers to the group of elite clubs, but they've spent most of their time in the top divisions and did have a good spell in the 60s and early 70s, apparently. When Roman Abramovich bought the club in 2003, they began splashing money around like cannery workers with their permanent fund check (that's an Alaska fishing reference for you lower-48ers). Huge numbers of players were brought in for massive amounts of money, whether properly valued or not. Soon they had a championship team, and a bench that would place pretty high in the Premiership by itself. The reason i hate this club more than any other is twofold: their bench is, as mentioned, stocked with great players (although some of those players have wised up and left in recent seasons), and since those players don't get regular game time, their skills begin to regress relative to their peers, all in the name of buying a championship. Secondly, when Chelsea were at the height of their championship run (and began to find that form again when John Terry returned from injury), each game was quite predictable. Teams couldn't go forward against them (VERY strict defense, and they'd get killed on the counter), and if they bunkered in, Chelsea would pin them down and pummel them into submission. They are the advancing zombie throng of the Premiership.

Chelsea's recent rise to the top also parallel's the Chelsea neighborhood revamping from a somewhat run-down, very un-luxurious working class enclave into a well-monied newly swank area of town.

Coach: Jose Mourinho, a Portugese coach who took over in 2004 after the previous coach failed to win the title despite 100 million pounds of Roman's money. The year before, he led FC Porto to win the Champions League, and so because of his current run and arrogant demeanor has created somewhat of a Steve-Jobs-reality-distortion-field effect on his prowess. He is usually spotted wearing a signature black wool trenchcoat and scarf, giving his best impression of steely resolve.

Famous Players: a bunch of gad-abouts and lay-abouts, I'm sure. also, John Terry.

Ryan's Most Hated Chelsea Player: Didier "Diving Handballer" Drogba (YouTube hilarity). I will give grudging respect to John Terry though, who actually worked his way up through the Chelsea youth academy, and unlike most of his team, plays with heart and class. I think it's quite interesting that when he went out for back surgery, their defense went to complete shambles. Mourinho actually had to play Michael Essien as center back! As Zach has aptly noted, "Can't stand Chelsea. Can't get enough John Terry."

Ownership Soap Opera: Roman Abramovich is his own soap opera, as most of his billions come from the completely rigged auction of Soviet assets during the transition to capitalism.

Any Yanks?: Thank god for once that Americans have failed to pierce a Premiership squad.

Last Year's Finish: Second

Significant Offseason Changes: Striker Claudio Pizarro made the move from Bayern Munich, and picking up Steve Sidwell, probably Reading's midfield linchpin, was a mini-coup. Sturdy defender Israeli Tal Ben-Haim transferred from Bolton, and French international Florent Malouda will surely be tearing holes through back lines this year.

Well, that does it for Part 1 of the Awkwardly Earnest Guide. Join us next time for Part 2: DAHR-bees!