August 2007 Archives

You could tell something was up as soon as you approached PGE Park last night. Traffic was in chaos. Throngs of people were pouring towards the gate. And once you got inside, it was apparent that this wasn't just an ordinary large Timbers crowd. I kept saying to anyone who would listen, it was the most I'd seen for the Timbers since the Sunderland friendly in 2005. Little did I know that it was going to top even that.

A record 15,833 people came to see a team regain its form and complete an entire season undefeated at home. Throughout the second half, as the boys in greenyellow created chances they just couldn't put away, that creeping feeling began to come over me that we just weren't going to break through. But finally, in the 79th minute, a rebound fell right to Justin Thompson, who didn't even need to think about it. The volley he struck was like a dagger through the air, beating the Charleston keeper and unleashing crazed, pent-up hysteria like a biblical flood.

Even now, I still can't figure out how the planets aligned for the Timbers. Sure, some good promotion and a Thirsty Thursday bring in an extra thousand or so, but we're talking almost double the attendance of the last match (also a Thirsty Thursday), which was pretty impressive itself. Was it something in the water? Something in the beer? Regardless, I don't want to probe too deep and break the spell. This is rightly Soccer City, U.S.A., in word and deed.

With Krystals season starting up strong, you'd think the last thing on people's minds would be the Nathan's hot dog competition, a full 11 months away. But apparently a little enthusiasm at the Saratoga Springs Race Course goes a long way because they hosted a qualifier for the 2008 competition on Monday (making this perhaps the only time the banner for this blog will make sense for competitive eating--history!). Crazy Legs Conti won the qualifier handily with 21.5 HDBs (the second place winner ate 10). Tim "Eater X" Janus accompanied his roommate and competitive eating collaborator, but only sat in on the neat eating competition, a contest usually reserved for the under 10 crowd.

Crazy Legs caught up with True Fan after the oddly-timed qualifier and gave us a run-down of the event, which amounts to a veritable who's who in competitive eating. I thought we'd go bold names for this one. Enjoy!

Seriously, what was the deal with this qualifier? Why so early?

I was a fan long before I turned pro so I have an appreciation for the archival history of the Saratoga Qualifier. (A quick tangent for pro eating historians - "A Hot Dog Program", the PBS Rick Seback documentary has the full 1998 Nathan's contest as a DVD extra). As you can read at MosesNews.com, Saratoga was Don Lerman's territory in the early 00s. He was known as the Saratoga's Secretariat. As carpetbagging became necessary to qualify we all went there and lost to Don (Subich, Janus, myself, many others), but the one year that Don suffered a reversal, the importance of the second and third place finish became very evident as a lot can happen in the ten months leading up to the big show. Some years it's not even scheduled, so it's special when it happens. I believe it was three or four years ago that I planned to exit the Kennebunkport Lobster Contest to traverse the dirt roads from Maine to Saratoga on a very tight schedule. The Saratoga Qualifier is like the NFL pro-bowl. The super bowl just happened and most guys don't want to put the pads back on and take the hits, but you do get to go to Hawaii...Or Saratoga, which I find to be just as lovely.

Usually, everyone has some time to get into "hot dog mode" before hitting the qualifier. How did you mentally spring into action when this opportunity came up?

I knew that Joey Chestnut would be closely following the Saratoga qualifier and I figured why tip my hand with seventy. Now he's got ten months of bedwetting fear when we meet on stage in '08.

I think it boils down to a mentality that doesn't really exist for most on today's circuit. It a notion that harkens back to the trophy era, pre-prize money when you showed up because you wanted to be there or be a part of something . You are somebody like Tim Janus, who is really the last eater to come from the trophy era, who says, "Eating hot dogs under a tent sounds good to me anytime, I'll go". I do see it in eaters today like Kevin Ross and Pat Bertoletti, who just seem glad to be at the table to have the opportunity to compete and continue on the strange and wonderful journey that pro-eating can provide. As for Nathan's there have always been non-qualifying contests and it's interesting to see who shows up. I've never made it to Kansas or the UMass Amherst contest (where Darren Rovell set the current all time journalist record with twelve hdbs in regulation time), but I went to Boston the year it was downgraded from an official qualifier. Cookie had crushed me the previous two years when it counted towards Coney and besides being a great charity run by the Andleman family to benefit Cystic Fibrosis and the Joey Fund. I just wanted to win the thing in my hometown. I ate eighteen, got a small plaque, and felt great about the day. The next year Peter Davekos and Justin Mih showed up just to see what eating too many hot dogs is all about and put up around the same numbers .

The moment Saratoga was announced Janus and I wanted to attend. I'm thrilled it was an official qualifier, but I think we would have gone anyway. Janus is a big Tobey Maguire fan, and I didn't even know that Jeff Bridges was in "Seabiscuit". Nathan's more than any other circuit or contest is as cutthroat as it gets, but it's important to remember that you have to enjoy the sport or the event, otherwise what's the point? There are plenty of bitter foods, we don't need bitter eaters. If it's not a good time, then find some other activity to engage you...I hear remolding Victorian Era Bidets has its appeal, but I'm content with Pro-Eating for the time.
As for the week leading up to the contest, I prepared as I always do. Physiologically, no meat, lots of Japanese Ramen and mentally, I watch a lot of cheerleading films on VHS.

You were the only pro-ranked eater to compete at this qualifier (not including Tim Janus's participation in the neat eating competition). While this isn't unheard of--Chip and Juliet both took their qualifiers this year with no pro competition--it must be a little strange for you. Were you expecting other ranked eaters to show up? Were you glad when they didn't or did you miss the neck-and-neck?

With Krazy Kev and BB in hot dog retirement, I've eaten in more qualifiers than any other active MLE'r. I ate before the 3 qualifier limit and recall one season eating dogs five weekends in a row. It was maddening and grueling, but it gave me an appreciation for each one as its own wonderful strange entity. It made me savor both the wins and the losses. I believe the hot dogs gods make it all work out as it should. I was there to appreciate the nuances of Sonya's 18 at Molly Pitcher (I felt physically ill before the contest as I had been pulling all nighters cleaning the widows of the Kuwait consulate). Or Joey's rookie 21.5 in San Fran (vanity would lead me to mention Hungry Charles and my attendance at Mr. Ping's until 6 am the day of as a contributing factor, however, the hot dog gods knew we were better off with the Tiki umbrella drinks and Joey might have a future at Coney).

I can also truly appreciate that Stu Birdy would eat eight just for the fun of it or Hollow Hal Schimmel for the free lunch. If you are lucky enough to eat against Superpaul, you are a winner in more ways than one. I'm not belittling the importance of it all. The desire is obviously more than just fun. Some are concerned with totals, I've always cared more about making the final table. People that assume it's only worth it if you are eating stratospheric numbers in the center of the table, should talk to guys who paid their dues on the road like Humble Bob and Birthday Boy, The Shredder. Do you think it was easy for them to convince their families, to convince their bodies and minds to think, "I'm getting to that stage and when I do I'm going every year until I don't want to anymore". Long before Tim Janus stole everyone's groupies, he would throw down his buns in disgust at himself in places like Hartford and Belmont Race Track and think, "I'm going to get better because it's the most important thing to me." It's never an easy road to Nathan's and sometimes it can years.

That's where the intestinal fortitude comes in, and some have it, some don't. Or like Larry Bird diving out of bounds for a loose ball, some are willing to make the sacrifices. To eat hot dogs for twelve minutes straight, you've got to have a dive headfirst loose ball mentality. Most would disagree with me, but the most exciting hot dog minute in '07 wasn't Joey/Koby on the 4th, but the Shredder's 12th at Civil Service. With sixty seconds he had a seemingly impossible dog and 1/2 to reach a number that would make Coney. I truly believe it was the loud support of his wife Greta that willed him to the finish line.

It was magical, I was thrilled to be there, and Gravy Brown still made it on the 4th (but in 08 would be wise to not eat against Tim, Joey, or The Colonel). Only The Shredder was displeased, because he wanted an outright win. I can't blame him, what a roller coaster '07 was for him. With prize money never being a factor with Nathan's (and I believe never will) it has always been the greatest stage to ascend, even long before ESPN coverage. Ed Kratchie's sweat, Hungry Charles' pumping arms, Nakajima's calm presence, Kobayashi's joy, Joey's stenciled name on the board...these are indelible images in my mind, much like I would imagine today's fan's discover when they join the throngs at Stillwell and Surf. Sonya Thomas' wave, The Locust's trot...that's the electricity that powers competitive eating. They are eating to honor those who didn't make it, but tried, and off stage or at home, hopefully those watching are thinking, "I'll get my twelve minutes one day, whether its at Coney or Saratoga". Steakbellie, of course, is thinking, "I've got to stay focused otherwise I won't get to my next twelve pack". What most don't realize are the yearlong moments each eater has when they awake in the middle of the night wondering what they have to do to make it to high noon. As the current crop of eaters outpaces my improvements, I have to enjoy each noon as it comes.

As for other eaters at Saratoga. I knew that a Monday at 2 pm at a racetrack was going to be difficult for anyone who is gainfully employed or doesn't work in the strip club industry. I assumed up-and-coming eaters would see it as an opportunity to strut their peacock feathers, but I can't say I was disappointed with the turn-out. I'm not that cocky. I'm not a name caller. I take the victories where I can get them. I was channeling Jeff Leibowski, "Just take it easy man". I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the vitriolic resentment that seems prevalent by people who live life in front of their computer screens. I genuinely feel bad that Mike Landrich didn't make it. I've never met him, I don't know what he put up in Vegas, but if it's any consolation to him, I didn't get an email confirmation either. There is no grand IFOCE conspiracy afloat, I saw an event I wanted to go to so I picked up the phone and found out the info and showed up. In high school it took six calls before I got a girl to agree, but I made it to the prom. I arrived at Saratoga to learn that instead of the usual seventy people, only seven preregistered for the contest. I wasn't even the headliner. The Saratoga crowd crowned the guy they called, "The General" as the favorite. He put on one of the most entertaining qualifying performances ever. I think if the dogs were soaked in beer beforehand the General might have taken me. He did 9.5 while talking to the crowd the whole 12 minutes and he did beer tricks (which did not, despite the crowds urging, count towards his total).

As for Tim "Eater X" Janus' performance. I say it all the time, I believe in the camaraderie of the brotherhood and sisterhood of the stomach. I perceive his actions as one of great altruism, but the truth lies in his motivation. He only wanted a personal best, but didn't want to be locked into a number that ten months from now he could top (but wouldn't be allowed to if he already qualified with a paltry forty something). If he had gone for numbers that only two humans have ever achieved, I would have been as happy for him as he was for me. To me it was like he was hopping on an HDBs grenade and I'm grateful for my '08 livelihood, however he shrugs it off. He felt he wasn't going to achieve his goal that day and his chances were better in the neat eating contest. At first I thought he had a solid strategy (there were only three other ten year olds in the contest), but after his ninth packet of Heinz ketchup, I knew he was in trouble. As an avid follower of neat eating stats I believe Bailey Shoudt has notched the only single winner victory (Shea '05) and now Eater X will go down in annuls with the only single person loss in neat eating history. Those three ten year olds defeated the fourth ranked eating in hot dogs, and they defeated him soundly. And true to form, we couldn't find a single napkin after the contest.

Do you think you'll feel sad when hot dog season rolls around next year and you don't have a qualifier to look forward to. Or will you just show up with a beer in hand to the east coast ones and gloat?

I think we can all agree that 21.5 will be the lowest qualifying total in '08. Likely by four or five dogs. I believe Hot dogs and buns to be the hardest discipline and qualifying for Nathan's to be the most difficult. For an eater like me, who only improves a couple dogs a season, it can be terrifying. The Krystal format is more accessible for some because one eats against his/herself for a number. That's why a Krystal roadtrip is always worth it, it doesn't matter who shows up. Plus, you get to see some beautiful Southern cities. I didn't even attend the first Krystal Square Off circuit because every Northerner, like Don and El Wingador, who went down was sadly sent packing by Southerners who were weaned on the fluffy goodness and meaty square. Things have changed obviously and Krystals may not be nationwide, but hungering for them is. Sorry, I digress...it is lunch time.

At the 08 Nathan's qualifying circuit, I'll be at every qualifier I can make, as a fan. I loved this year's Badlands "Hungry and Focused" Tour. Plus I got to eat cheese steaks in Philly and New Haven Pizza after Hartford. And I'll show up with a beer in hand for everyone who competes (and joins me at the afterparty). If you can't do karaoke with Wild Bill Meyers, a couple of cheap beers with Wing Kong and Steakbellie ranks a close second. The Dude abides.

I look guys like Pete Davekos and Steakbellie and want to see them get their first deuce because I believe it will really make them happy. Davekos needs to hone in on his focus and Steakbellie needs to stop rubbernecking so much and clear his mouth more. Those are the things I look forward to seeing on the '08 Nathan's circuit. I also think it's going to be tough to wait ten months for another edition of TrueFan's HDQM. It has become the definitive post-qualifier interview, despite not have a glossy print edition; Joey's goofy grin on the cover with the quote below, "Hot Dog Qualifier Magazine? Not only do I read it, I'm a subscriber!" - Joseph Chestnut.

C'mon, you can tell us: was the guy in the alligator costume really Jed Donahue?

He introduced himself as James, but I actually think he was a Florida Gator emissary sent by Colonel Hall Hunt to deliver the message that I should never ever come to Florida again for hot dogs or Krystal burgers. He was firm, but eloquent when he mentioned that Hunt is going to own Florida in '08. I agreed with him and will head his warning. As for his performance, he had the greatest chipmunking potential in history, he could fit a lot in the bill, but he had trouble chewing.

Did your luck extend to the tracks afterwards?

Saratoga Dogs are boiled so they tend to go down a little easier, but sit a little heavier. I staggered over to the track like Bukowski and bet my usual, the three horse to show. I then got cute with the exotics and boxed a few trifecas. Two of the last three races were run on the grass, but the one on the dirt was the photo finish. It was a wet day at the track and I couldn't see anything through the dark sunglasses. Not one of my horses came in, but based on the soggy bun detritus in one of my dreadlocks, I'd say I'm more of a mudder at the hot dog contest.

Tell me a little about this year supply of hot dogs you win. Is there a Nathan's delivery guy who shows up to your apartment with the supply and some balloons, or is it more of an unmarked frozen pallet thing? Didn't you and Tim each just win a year supply a couple months ago, making it so you have three years of hot dogs in one apartment? Isn't that, like, A LOT of hot dogs?

We run an unaccredited hot dog savings and loan union. From the days when Hungry Charles (who installed a restaurant deep storage freezer to allow for all his hot dog winnings) and Badlands would loan us a few forty packs, we return the favors. Mostly their kids are now the beneficiaries. I also give as many as appropriate to the Bowery Mission which is around the corner from us it's a pretty amazing place and I've spent some Thanksgivings there (followed by hedonistic activities at the Village Idiot Bar so that my karma always ended up at the equator). Because the freezer at Coleman's Bar and Grill didn't have a door for the last five years, like Joe Gould's secret we have dogs stashed all over the five boroughs including an undisclosed bunker location. Tim has a phenomenal idea that ESPN should cover July 3rd and the Hot Dog Draft. The twenty eaters would be allowed to draft numbered lots of hot dogs for the following day. Obviously the dogs are precooked, but not grilled yet, so the tension wouldn't be in the snap of the natural casing, but the folly of ended up drafting too many misshapen ones or the evil errant hanging nub. If you've ever lined up a bag of forty you realize the lengths vary from cigar stubs to widowmakers. Liz for you, I suppose the prom analogy would work here too.

Dirty!

Just as I was starting to wonder if the Yanks' time was running out at Fulham, along comes this news chunk. Kasey Keller! At Fulham! That hopefully is the first of many mentions of Portland Timbers in Premiership team press releases (albeit incorrect in this case... we'll let it pass because Keller is a U of P boy).

Of course, this deal does carry a bit of risk. Fulham boss Laurie Sanchez is practically betting the farm on many mid-tier players, rather than a few standouts. Keller has also slid in form from his amazing display in the WC qualifiers, so we have to hope that his best days aren't behind him.

Unfortunately, though, one wishing to see all four Fulham Yanks on the field at once will have to wait. McBride had to be stretchered off the field last week against Middlesboro, when he dislocated his kneecap while scoring Fulham's only goal (how studly is that? When Brian goes down, it's in a blaze of glory). He'll be out for several months at the least, and given his age and the danger inherent in knee injuries, we hope it isn't the last time we see McBride in Fulham white. Or any kit, for that matter.

Tonight! PGE Park! The mighty mighty Timbers play their last regular season home game against Charleston, who bring along former PTFC'er Byron Alvarez. Come with us and sing yr brains out! Give our boys some momentum into the playoffs! Drink some beer! WOOOOOO!!!

Welcome back to True Fan's Awkwardly Earnest Guide For The New Yank Fan Of The Premiership! So now we've covered some basics in Part 1, laid out the intense rivalries in Part 2, let's explore the first question you may have when trying to decide what team or game to watch: Where my Yanks at?

All right, it's time for Part 2 of our Awkwardly Earnest Guide For The New Yank Fan Of The Premiership! Games are set to begin tomorrow with champions Manchester United travelling to just outside London to take on last year's plucky underdogs Reading, Aston Villa hosting Liverpool, Fulham travelling across London to meet Arsenal, Manchester City also travelling down south to play West Ham United, and newcomers Derby County will play south coasters Portsmouth (these are the games available on FSC this weekend, check here for dates and times).

Unfortunately, none of the games this weekend are in the category of what we'll be talking about today. That is, the crosstown rivalry, or as it's known in England, the Derby.

Breaking News: Benny Feilhaber, Slayer of Mexico, has been granted a work permit to join newly promoted Derby County! Yet another Yank in the Prem, and Derby will be on the American teevees this weekend as they open up their campaign against Portsmouth (Fox Soccer Channel, 11:30am PDT).

Of course, I can't resist posting this again:

golazo!

If the fading whiff of grilled hot dogs means the height of summer is passing, then the scent of tiny square hamburgers can only mean the start of the autumn competitive eating season with the inimitable Krystal Square Off. Here are the stops the tour will make for qualifying rounds. The date ranges represent how long they will be in the particular city doing several mini-qualifiers. The winners of those mini-qualifiers head to the main qualifier on the last day and the winner of that qualifier goes on to the finals (um, got that?). Anyway, who lives in the south and wants to do some on-the-scene reporting/eating!

Krystal Square Off IV

Aug. 22 – 25: Chattanooga, TN

Aug. 31 – Sept. 3: Jacksonville, FL

Sept. 7 – 9: Nashville, TN

Sept. 14 – 16: Knoxville, TN

Sept. 21 – 23: Atlanta, GA

Sept. 28 – 30: Memphis, TN

Oct. 5 – 7: Perry, GA

Oct. 12 – 14: Jackson, MS

Oct. 19 – 21: Birmingham, AL

TBA: Chattanooga, TN (Nationally Televised on ESPN)

In a press release Brad Wahl, vice president of marketing for the Krystal Company, kept the boxing analogies going strong:

“Like following the ‘Fight of the Century’ between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, the world is craving a rematch between Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut. Before that can happen though, Chestnut still has to qualify for the World Championship at one of our nine regional qualifiers. And it won’t be easy for the new number one ranked eater in the world. We anticipate more than 2,000 hopefuls to compete in our circuit events, including all of the top eaters in the world, and the competition will be fiercer than ever as guys like Patrick Bertoletti and Tim “Eater X’ Janus are out to prove that this is more than a two man contest.”

Though the eaters all aspire to be at the big Nathan's table, the Krystle Square Off still stands as one of the favorite competitions among the gurgitating elite. This is in no doubt due to the company's unwavering enthusiasm for the contest and for the eaters. What other eating competition can boast webcams airing all the qualifiers, a website that profiles all the eaters, and--new this year, my friends--the ability to pick your own fantasy eating team for the finals? (You might remember the True Fan's fantasy eating idea was born for last year's Krystal Square Off finals, though we were assured that the Krystal PR peeps were brewing a similar plan around the same time and needed a year to get it in working order.)

The site will be live Friday, so log on to www.KrystalSquareOff.com and click on the "Fantasy League" section. (Even if you are already on one of True Fan's fantasy eating teams, go ahead and join another! Mix it up a little. Since when are we in the business of moderation here?) From there, you'll be able to draft your own team of competitive eaters. If you have lots of buddies into this, go ahead and create a league--we aren't fancy here!. In fact, who wants to be in my league?

Some rules:

Leagues can have a maximum of seven teams but no fewer than four. Once teams have been drafted, owners can drop, add or trade their competitive eaters up until midnight on the day before the regional qualifier final. Eaters cannot be dropped, traded or added once they've competed. Points will be accumulated based on the average number of Krystal Hamburgers that each eater consumes in the local qualifier finals and their total at the Krystal Square Off IV World Championship.

Back in the real world, Kobayashi seems to be committed to participating, but will his jaw allow it? Furthermore, after his hard-won victory in hot dogs, will our new American hero, Joey Chestnut, allow himself to beaten by the reigning champ? Questions to ponder over tiny square burgers in the months to come.

So, let's say you're a sports fan (if you're not, you might be at the wrong place, go check cute overload instead). And let's say that you're new to this soccer thing. Or maybe you're not, but regardless, you've never followed England's top level of soccer. And while we're at it, let's say you're an American. Got all that?

Well today's your lucky day! Because today True Fan presents a four-part blow-by-blow series introducing you to the 9-month long soap opera that is The English Premier League. It's the best 9-month soap opera you can participate in that doesn't involve a screaming, crying fetus at the end of it. Unless you count Cristiano Ronaldo, that is.

Welcome to True Fan's Awkwardly Earnest Guide For The New Yank Fan Of The Premiership! Today in part one, we'll be discussing the basic league setup and the major characters: The Big Four. In parts two through four, we'll cover rivalries, Yanks Abroad, and the lowdown on all the cast, large and small.

First up, though, the League itself and the Big Four...

It's August of a "rebuilding" year, and instead of my mighty mighty Timbers merely scrapping for a playoff spot, we're in the hunt to win the Whole Fecking Shmear. And who are we fighting it out with? It's none other than those posers from the north, Seattle. Zach has the rundown on the craziness up north.

Tomorrow night, 7pm, PGE Park, the Timbers fight for precious points against last-place Minnesota Thunder. Then this Saturday (same time, same place), a truly fierce clash with the Vancouver Whitecaps may have huge implications on the finish to this season. Only three home games left this season! Must the magic end so soon? NO! GIVE US A PLAYOFF RUN!!!

As one season winds down, another winds up. The English and Scottish leagues are primed and ready to go as the season begins this week. Champions League qualifiers are already in motion, and DaMarcus Beasley kicked off a great week for Yanks abroad by sealing victory for his new Glaswegian club Rangers in a Champs' League second leg qualifier over FK Zeta with the game's only goal.

Run DMB's first goal for Rangers was marred unfortunately by monkey chants from the Zeta supporters, and props to Beasley for speaking out against it. Rangers look to take on Serbian side Red Star Belgrade, who have their own large history of racism, so this is the time for UEFA and FIFA to make good on their promises of cracking down on this.

Continuing the great news from our countrymen, Bobby Convey is finally healthy! After a debilitating season of multiple surgeries, Convey's knee has come back from the brink and he scored the game winner from one of his classic free kicks in a closed-door preseason friendly with Queen's Park Rangers.

And finally, to cap it off, Brian McBride gets some well-deserved love from his new manager, who named him the full-time Fulham captain today. Considering that Sanchez has completely revamped the team with his own guys, it's a testament to McBride's professionalism and heart that he gets the armband. Even though they open against Arsenal at the Emirates on Sunday, I can't wait for Fulham's season to begin.

And to kick off the UK excitement, True Fan will unveil, starting tomorrow, a four-part, drinking-from-the-firehose introduction to the Premier League for all you Yanks that are new to watching England's top flight, and are wondering what's the deal with all the funny town names.

Yes, it's.... True Fan's Awkwardly Earnest Guide For The New Yank Fan Of The Premiership. Look for it tomorrow! Set your RSSerizers appropriately!