On Friday afternoon, while most people were recovering from turkey and stuffing overload (some more than others), a quiet bidder won the complete set of eater magnets we posted on Ebay. The set ended up going for a whopping $51, and we are thrilled. The money will be put towards the travel expenses for our Atlantic City adventure on Saturday (not slot machines, we promise).

We'd love to tell you who the winner is (it's actually pretty interesting!) but the magnets are going to be a gift, so we can't ruin the surprise here. We'll tell you this much: the new custom magnet will be a female...

Thanks for everyone who lent their support for this venture! We'd love to be able to offer personalized magnets to everyone, but we might have to clear a few hurdles first. We'll keep you posted.

Happy Meatballs, everyone.

On Saturday, November 18th 2006, it was announced on EatFeats.com and the official IFOCE website that one Ms. Helen Haggerty, a recent Bryn Mawr graduate and field hockey enthusiast, had come in second place in the Posole eating contest in Acoma New Mexico - defeating Rich LeFevre and Eric Denmark, amongst others.

At first glance this seemed like an extraordinary occurrence. Not only had a newcomer to the sport beaten a very talented field of competitors, but she was a woman. No mean feat.

However, after True Fan had time to review the video, offered by Mr. Andrew "Skinnyboy" Lane we have come to the sad conclusion that Ms. Haggerty does not exist and in fact this is just another one of Mr. Tim Janus' alter-egos.

We have made multiple attempts to reach several of the competitors and the IFOCE for comment, but at the time of this post, none have responded.

There seems to be a conspiracy afoot - one that has multiple layers of duplicity and co-conspirators. We are not sure what alumni or current students of Bryn Mawr and their field hockey team (currently ranked 21st in their division) would think about this deception. A deception that looks like it had legs. It was announced this morning that Ms. Haggerty had started a blog. How far were they willing to take this?

We will be reporting more on this as more details arise.

Like the proverbial rented mule, UrbanHonking AC was beaten soundly last night by a mercy-rule mitigated 12-5 (Portland Futsal house rules dictate that a team cannot lead the game by more than 7 goals). We were, for lack of a better word, dreadful. Physically dominated, unable to close down the midfield, marking with more holes than a cheese grater, and a hesitancy to ask any questions of the opponents' keeper whatsoever (ok, i'm exaggerating on the last point. Curt had several shots saved, and i had a weak shot while falling backward that was an easy save. w00t).

Yours truly gifted our Bayern-Munich-replica clad adversaries their very first goal, after an ill-advised attempt to dribble out of the backfield. Who knows what the hell I was thinking. The first half was pretty well summed up at the buzzer, when a last-ditch cross in front of our net—that probably would have sailed harmlessly past had I not been in front of it—hit my forearm and was redirected into our net. Had I not been there, or had we delayed him 2 seconds longer, the half would have ended poorly enough. A harsh mistress indeed.

There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth afterwards at the hospitable Brooklyn Park Pub, our Official Post-Game Public House And Tavern, and hopefully our surgically extracted humbling will see us "digging deep" and "finding strength in adversity" and recognizing we "got to want it." With the thanksgiving break next week, we have a double-edged sword. Having no game will give us more time to work out the defensive kinks, but as far as fitness is concerned, Thanksgiving is the worst holiday to be facing now. I fear for my muscles, for they will be trapped between the fire of physical exertion and the ice of our nationally shared lethargy. As the saying goes, they're going to be like lukewarm water.

But in the meantime, I'll be softly weeping while curled under my desk in a fetal position.

"And we're baaaaaack!" And yes, we're Still Fantaseain'.

Week two of the UHXFBL3 season and things aren't looking good for the bottom half. It would be bad science to forecast a trend based only on two data points, but the numbers are showing the first sign of this season's story. Will we see a dominant group keep the lead all season? Will a scrappy underdog fight his (or her) way to the top?

Josh Berezin of the Swamp Champs believes "at least two of the teams in the bottom six are serious contenders." When pressed to name names, Berezin relented, "You have to think Loopahoopahs is going to improve, since he is coming off a strong second-place finish last year. Wilma Fingerdoo may well turn the corner, as well. The season is young."

In an unusual move, Manager Burr has changed his team name from TheHolyTrinities to The Robert Johnsons. While Burr could not be reached for comment, we did ask some of the other managers what they thought. "If you don't even trust yourself to name your team, and stick by that name, I think that says a lot about your style of play." said Berezin. "what he needs is more confidence," added Steve Schroeder, "I think he has a great core and could make a serious impact in the team."

Schroeder jumped up two places to claim 6th place, saying "I was down, and I came back as I knew I would and took an epic victory." That 7-3 victory over John Afryl's KellyJellyRolls puts Afryl's team at number 7 in the overall standings, the biggest drop we've seen.

The biggest jump in standings comes from Berezin's Swamp Champ team, who jumped three places to take third. Lacking his usual bravado*, Berezin says, "The first couple weeks can be really random, so I'm just happy to be in the top half of teams at this point." With three games being 7 - 3 and the all the rest 6 - 4, it means that the those on the losing end are falling even farther behind. But like Berezin said, "The season is young." and "The first couple weeks can be really random."

*Update: Berezin interjects, "Bullshit on you! Lacking bravado? I'm going to win the season. I'm saying the first couple of weeks don't make any god damn difference."

OFFICIAL RESULTS Week 2:

Jefferson Democrats (steve)..7
KellyJellyRolls (john).......3

roundmoundofrebounds (curt)..6
Castle Doozers (becca).......4

Swamp Champ (josh)...........7
the mo malones (morgan)......3

loopahoopahs (kevin).........6
wilma fingerdoo (ben)........4

the robert johnsons* (burr)..3
eli..........................7

california gold men (andrew).6
weird beard (chris)..........4


* formerly TheHolyTrinities

And let's see how that affects the standings:

1. Eli's Eli......................14 +1
2. Andrew's California Gold Men...13 same place
3. Chris' Weird Beard.............12 -2
3. Curt K.'s RoundMoundOfRebounds.12 +2
3. Josh's Swamp Champ.............12 +3
6. Steve's Jefferson Democrats....11 +2
7. J.John's KellyJellyRolls.......10 -5
8. Kevin's Loopahoopahs............9 +1
8. Ben's Wilma Fingerdoo...........9 -2
10. Becca's Castle Doozers.........7 -1
11. Morgan's The Mo Malones........6 -2
12. Burr's The Robert Johnsons.....5 same place

Meanwhile, THE ULTIMATE FANTASY continues...

Curt's South by North pulled together 28 points this week, beating Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc.'s 26 points. This puts Curt in the lead by just two points.

Curt's South by North:....28 + 25 = 53
- Curt K...................6
- Steve....................7
- Ben......................4
- Eli .....................7
- Chris....................4

Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc.:.26 + 25 = 51
- Josh.....................7
- Kevin....................6
- J.John...................3
- Andrew...................6
- Becca....................4

Mike is dropping Becca this week and picking up Morgan.

oh, True Fan, i'm sorry. I haven't been your best contributor. Remember those days of wine and roses, when i'd post warmed up leftovers from Eleven Devils and A Pretty Move? yeah, i didn't think so. It's been a while since we put any soccer at all up here. We even had the gall to leave you derelict during the World Cup.

Believe me, we were doing you a favor, True Fan. There were so many Portland-themed soccer blogs taking up that mantle, that posting whatever shoddily-analyzed dreck of a match report I could write would have actually lowered—nay, destroyed—your bloggy credibility. It would even have tarnished your rep in the competitive eating community, and that is one audience you Cannot Afford To Lose right now.

I can't even guarantee that this is the start of a comeback, either. Maybe the first of a series, but don't you see that if i promise you nothing, your heart won't be broken when those promises aren't kept? Let's just take it one baby step at a time.

First of all, there's this UrbanHonking AC thing. Yeah, i know, this is True Fan, not True Playa. But this is, literally, your team! a team playing for perpetual UrHo glory! a team to carry the impeccable style, verve, and other je ne sais quois of the Urbane Honkers onto the indoor pitch. We'll kick off our debutante season tonight at 6:20pm against some motley crew of obvious ne'er-do-well rapscallions named AC Felonious Kick. Whether this is some reference to Straight, No Chaser, or merely refers to the criminal underground that must fill out their roster, these felons will have a challenge before them tonight. They'll do well to be especially wary of my "Viper Attack", which, actually, only involves me shrieking like a little girl who just saw a viper.

Oh, and remember MLS? you remember, American soccer. No, no, they did away with the shootout. And the clock counts up now, just like the rest of the world. Come on, you haven't forgotten Shalrie Joseph, have you?

Well, he's back in the big game. MLS Cup 2006 features returning chumps New England against the San-Jose-of-the-Atlantic Houston Dynamo. You should watch, if only for the fact that if Clint Dempsey is healthy, it could be your last chance to watch him and Houston's Dwayne DeRosario languish in MLS before they go languish on some mid-Colaship squad next year. No, really, you should watch it. It's on ABC at 12:30 PST this Sunday.

So yeah, I agree, this post was both parts mildly familiar and awkward. Kind of like having sex with your cousin, or so i'm told. I'll try harder, True Fan, I really will. Can you forgive me?

And the battle begins! An exciting first week in UHXFBL3 - Still Fantaseain' where the fresh new faces are making quite a splash, as is the case for Chris' Weird Beard team coming out with a huge 8-2 victory over Burr's TheHolyTrinities. All we can do is slap our foreheads and ask, what happened!?

"It wasn't all that surprising to me." Burr said, "If you'll look back on my track record from last year, you'll see I had a lot of such losses." There are rumors that Season One Champion Kyle K. might be working with Burr to improve his lineup. Burr admits, "Kyle visited me on Friday and he was none too enthused about my lineup." The rules don't prohibit this kind of help, and we'll see if Week 2 shows any signs of Kyle's rumored "golden touch".

And in case you're wondering about the name of Burr's TheHolyTrinities, he adds, "I did win the three pointers category, which was what I was going for in terms of the name."

Weird Beard's Manager Chris doesn't have quite the bravado you'd expect from the team with the best record in week one. "I think that I got lucky this week," Chris says, "I did pick up a couple of new players. I have a feeling my work may be cut out for me this week."

OFFICIAL RESULTS Week 1:

Curt K.'s RoundMoundOfRebounds.6
Steve's Jefferson Democrats....4

J.John's KellyJellyRolls.......7
Morgan's The Mo Malones........3

Josh's Swamp Champ.............5
Ben's Wilma Fingerdoo..........5

Eli's Eli......................7
Kevin's Loopahoopahs...........3

Chris' Weird Beard.............8
Burr's TheHolyTrinities........2

Andrew's California Gold Men...7
Becca's Castle Doozers.........3

So an incredibly strong first week for Chris' Weird Beard and an excellent start to the season for J.John and his KellyJellyRolls, Eli's creatively named Eli and Andrew's theme team, the California Gold Men. Let's take a look at the overall standings:

1. Chris' Weird Beard.............8
2. Eli's Eli......................7
2. Andrew's California Gold Men...7
2. J.John's KellyJellyRolls.......7
5. Curt K.'s RoundMoundOfRebounds.6
6. Josh's Swamp Champ.............5
6. Ben's Wilma Fingerdoo..........5
8. Steve's Jefferson Democrats....4
9. Morgan's The Mo Malones........3
9. Kevin's Loopahoopahs...........3
9. Becca's Castle Doozers.........3
12. Burr's TheHolyTrinities.......2

But it's only week one, and we have a lot of Fantasy Basketball to go. It's easily anyone's game.

The Ultimate Fantasy

In the world of Fantasy Fantasy Basketball Curt's South by North collected 25 points, as did Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc. team. That's an average of five points per player, which is pretty poor.

Curt's South by North:....25
- Curt K...................6
- Steve....................4
- Ben......................5
- Burr.....................2
- Chris....................8
vs.
Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc.:.25
- Josh.....................5
- Kevin....................3
- J.John...................7
- Andrew...................7
- Becca....................3

Curt's North by South high scoring player (Chris) was playing another on his own team (Burr), thus the 8 points that Burrow scored were averaged to 5. This was also the case for Curt K. and Steve. This made Curt's North by South team's only chance of getting an above-average score rested on Ben, who ended up scoring 5 points.

Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc. faced a similar fate. Facing off against Ben was Josh, who scored the other 5 points. Becca scored 3 points, but played Andrew, bringing the average back to 5. And While both J.John and Kevin played against free agents, giving Mike the best opportunity to pull ahead, they scored 7 and 3 respectively, which brings us back to that 5 point average.

So a tie for week one in the ultimate fantasy. Curt is dropping Burr and picking up Eli. Mike is going to keep his lineup for another week and hope his luck improves.

Putt Putt is not mini-golf. Mini-golf is the randomness of laughing clowns and spinning windmills. Putt Putt is a game of skill and geometry, like billiards it's all angles and skillful shots. The courses lack the road-side attraction of mini-golf--though the course we visited did have a giant giraffe on top of a rocky waterfall--but the consistency in the game from course to course suits it much better to regular competition, such as the Sparkle City Open tournament in Spartenburg, SC.

Thanks to Curt, who is the co-author of this post, States Rights Records for the song In The City, from the recently released Xiu Xiu vs. Grouper - Creepshow album, and to our friends at the Pro Putters Association.

The UrbanHonking Fantasy Basketball League, officially named "UHXFBL3 - Still Fantaseain'" has started its third season with a mix of veterans and fresh faces. Reprising his role as League Commissioner is Steve Schroeder, who is the manager of the Jefferson Democrats. Last season Schroeder's New Jersey Generals finished fifth, but he is more optimistic this season, "I think I have the opportunity to win it all. So much depends on early season developments. I've already made three free-agent pick ups."

Season two champion Josh Berezin is of course returning, and feeling entitled to take another play-off. "I can win back-to-back championships. I plan to." Berezin's confidence is backed by his draft picks

The new season features twelve teams. Nine have played in previous seasons, with three new managers entering, and a first for the league, one team is managed by a woman. Becca Uherbelau is the manager of the Castledoozers. Berezin, who brought her into the league says, "She is smart, but I'm still going to beat her."

Fantasy sports requires knowledge of the players beyond the superstars. "I think my late drafts were well researched and will show their payoffs early." says Curt Kentner, manager of the Round Mound of Rebounds team. Kenter suffered last season due to player injuries. He ended the season in a morale-shaking tenth place, but losing can be a powerful teacher, "I learned my lesson last year... Not to take risks on great players that get injured." J. John Afryl, managing the Kelly Jelly Rolls for his third straight season agrees that the strategy is to look farther down the list and choose players who can win those "less glamorous categories." Afryl is hoping to improve upon his third place finish from last season.

Of course it's not just a numbers game. Emotions are bound to come into play. Manager Burr says he would like to get "Darius Miles, [just] so I could bench him." Burr is heading the The Holy Trinities this season, and he "drafted the best talent available for the first seven rounds or so, then I tried to draft a few sleepers," in order to improve upon his 11th place finish last season.

The Ultimate Fantasy

Last season my team, the Cameroon Robusto's, placed a distant (but not humiliating) seventh. The worst team in the league belonged to my brother Curt Merrill, who was 12th for the second season in a row. This year we both opted to close up our virtual sporting franchises and much like Vince McMahon and his XFL, create a new fantasy sport, Fantasy Fantasy Basketball.

Curt and I have drafted the managers of the UHXFBL3 into two five-person teams, leaving two as "free agents". Curt won the coin toss and the first round pick and we did a little trading.

Curt's South By North: Curt K., Steve, Ben, Troy. and Chris K.

Mike's Meta Fantasy Inc.: Josh, Kevin, J.John, Andrew and Becca

So the way this will work is that we are pitting the total points against each other. In the UHXFBL3 each player is trying to win the best number in ten categories (FG%, FT%, 3PTM, PTS, OREB, DREB, AST, ST, BLK, TO). We'll take the points earned by each player and total them each week to look at who won and who lost.

Additionally, since we are only playing with five players on each team we have the two free agents, Morgan and Eli. Since I picked last in the draft, Curt will have the first opportunity to pick up a free agent after we see how everyone did (of course he'll also have to drop a player).

Let the Fantasy (and the Fantasy Fantasy) begin!