Hungry, Focused, and Busy as Hell

It's been a busy few weeks in the competitive eating world, and we thought we'd give you the recap to end all recaps. See, if you were a good little competitive eating fan, you'd already be reading eatfeats daily and getting your scoop there. But since you're already here, we're gonna serve you, like, 3,000 words of competition goodness. That's the reading equivalent of eating about 15 cannoli, so strap yourself in. Plus, no offense to our dear OJ Rifkin, the pseudonymous mystery man who runs eatfeats, but he's not giving you killer quotes like, "I threw up twice in my mouth," or "Just when you think the Masked Avenger is out for the count, he comes back like Barbara Streisand."

What OJ is giving us, however, is an award! Yes, you are looking at the two winners of the 2006 Trenchy Award for the Best Non-Eater Writer! Hel-lo! We feel really honored for getting the votes (um, over two freakin' published authors!), so thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Although, what's with this "no monetory or tangible award" bit? We were picuring a little something like so:

We can dream, can't we? Anyway, on to the competitions!

It wasn't long after the competitive eaters recovered from the Nathan's hot dog competition that they were already revving up for the 2006 Krystal Square Off World Hamburger Eating Championship. Krystal burgers, for those of us not in the south, are tiny square burgers cooked with an onion flavoring and served on little fluffy buns. They go down fast and have become a favorite competition food among the serious eaters. "Humble" Bob Shoudt says, " In my mind, there exists no bigger single contest then Krystals. I marked 10/28/2006 as taken on my PDA as I was waiting for the final totals to be calculated on stage last year at the 2005 Krystals Finals. I live for Krystals. Everyone has a contest that they prefer, this is mine."

This is also one of Kobayashi's favorite competitions and he'll be back this year to battle it out for the $30,000 in prize money (1st prize is $10,000 of that). As champion, he gets an automatic seat at the finals, leaving every other soul out there with a competitive eating streak in them left to battle their way to an accompanying seat. And, dude, there are a LOT of 'em. Krystal has a following of "Krystal Lovers," average customers who have a passion for stacking the little burgers high on a regular basis. The chain has a bit of a cult following, even inspiring things like Krystal wedding platters (totally different than crystal wedding platters).

Anyway, it seems simple: there are eight local qualifiers (8-minutes long), with the winner of each, plus four wild cards, going on to take a seat at the big table in Chattanooga, TN. But then it gets more complicated: (deep breath) in order to go to compete in a local qualifier you can either a) be a professional eater or b) sign up for a 2-minute pre-qualifier, of which there are about 20 per city. The top 10 pre-qualifiers in each city go on to compete in the local qualifier with the pros. As Brian Cooley, who does PR for the Krystal Square Off says, "The 2-minute events are loaded with passionate customers that just want to have fun and be part of the excitement." So, if the talent is ripe, it is possible for a Krystal Lover to win his or her way to the big finals with the pros. You got all that? You wanna watch all of it? Helloooo webcams!

Because yo! Joey Chestnut and Sonya Thomas won the first two local qualifiers, in Jacksonville and Chattanooga, respectively. I know, I know, no big surprises there. Although, in the past, Krystal Lovers like Sam Vice have been known to stride past respected pros like Don Lerman in local qualifiers, so there may be shockers yet to come.

Although, since Joey's rise to 2nd best eater in the world, there has been some harsh Sonya doubting. Of course, her loyal fans and supporters know she's as determined as ever and her numbers are showing it. She ate 62 burgers in the 8-minute contest, a number that matches Joey's American record in last year's finals and that beats Joey's local Jacksonville win this year by 10 burgers. Joey doesn't discount Sonya's abilities going into this competition saying, "Sonya is an amazing eater and should never be doubted. She consistently puts up huge numbers and forces me to push myself. As far as Sonya being a threat at Krystal finals...I know she will put up a big number, I just hope it is not as big as the number I am going to be training to hit at the finals." And if there's anyone who's focused, it's Joey, who took his last loss to Kobayashi pretty hard. "I don't talk about Nathan's," he says. "I just want to walk away from the Krystal finals happy."

Sonya may have have been feeling like she had something to show her closest competitor, as he had narrowly beat her in a gyoza competition on August 19th. They battled it out right to the end, but Joey overtook The Black Widow at the end, beating her with 212 dumplings to her 210.

And our rising Phenom, Chip Simpson, certainly hasn't been sitting around twiddling his thumbs these past few weeks. On August 26, he stormed the GoldenPalace.net World Sausage Sandwich Eating Championship in Syracuse, NY. With 13.25 sandwiches, he won $2,000 and beat out Humble Bob by a quarter of a sandwich. Then only a week later, Chip had his real moment in the sun at the Buffalo Wing Festival when beat Sonya Thomas for the first time.

Did you catch that? Chip. Beat. Sonya.

"There is no competitive eating contest more elegant than the Buffalo Wing contest and no victory more important. The essence of the human struggle to survive is on display in Buffalo on Labor Day Weekend."

The quote above was taken directly from the IFOCE website and is attributed to convivial IFOCE Chairman George Shea. It speaks directly to the significance of this contest and the importance of paying attention in English class.

Sonya and Bob tied for 2nd place with 146 wings each, but it was a clean victory for the young gun, who downed 158 (though Sonya's record of 161 from last year still stands). Will Chip be the next eater to enter the Kobayashi level of eating? Joey admits it could happen. "I think the gap between Koby and America's top eaters is closing. Chip and Pat [Bertoletti] are great eaters and will most likely qualify for Krystals with a higher number than me."

There was some controversy surrounding this contest, apparently stemming from the bad weather. The method for cooking and delivering the wings had to be changed because of the rain and this, it's been said, caused the wings to run out before the contest ended--a big no-no. Hopefully, next year will be rain and controversy free.

Chip was understandably excited about this win. "The Buffalo wing competition was a huge step for me, as it is recognized as big contest to win," he said. "I actually was an alternate in the contest last year which would have been my eating debut. I went with the hopes of getting in, but all of the eaters showed up. I watched it from afar and thought to myself, 'I think I can hang with these guys, eventually.' I was extremely excited to compete, and finally beating the great Sonya Thomas was another HUGE step in my eating career. Of course she whooped my butt the next day, but at least I got one victory."

The whooping in question happened at the Waffle House World Waffle-Eating Championship, held in Atlanta on September 3rd. Never one to miss out on a good whooping himself, Joey got in on that action, breaking his own world record by consuming 23 buttermilk waffles in 12 minutes, and beating both Sonya and Chip.

"Humble" Bob sees a comparable competitive streak in the two eaters, "Sonya is very similar to Chip...She is a great eater and an even better competitor. She backs down from no one and does not allow anyone any advantages. She always plays for keeps. Whenever anyone can keep themselves near her totals, they should take that as a moral victory."

And Bob's been on his own winning streak. While Chip was busy winning the wing competition, Bob was getting ready to kill at the Buffalo Buffet Bowl. This contest is unique because it doesn't just focus on one foodstuff. Plates made up of 5 pounds of food, including roast beef sandwiches, buffalo chicken strips, pierogies, and chicken wings were given to participants; the first to complete their plate won the $500 prize. "Humble" Bob came out on top in just over 5 minutes.

(A fun side-note: Jammin' Joe LaRue won most creative wing sauce for his apple chipotle chutney at the same festival. Way to OWN the festival, IFOCE peeps!)

But Bob wasn't done winning yet. He went to The Indiana State Fair held the Toyota Trucks Chowdown Championship (couldn't they come up with a longer name?), which was held to promote Indiana food products like pork sandwiches, turkey legs, and grilled cheese sandwiches. "Humble" Bob was victorious and won $1500 in cash. Is it us, or shouldn't have Toyota have thrown in a truck or something? The contest was held in five rounds and Bob ate the following:

1st round--3 grilled cheese sandwiches
2nd round--3 pork sandwiches
3rd round--3 rib eye sandwiches
4th round--2 turkey legs
5th and final round--3 cupcakes

We sorta love that they ended on cupcakes. It's almost...cute! Unlike, say...jalapenos.

Holy Jalapenos! Competitors were given 15 minutes and all the jalapenos they could eat at this year's 3rd Annual Sabor Caliente Salsa and Chili Championships at the Sky City Casino in Acoma, New Mexico. Pat Bertoletti took his "tongue" in his hands and a possible lifetime of stomach lining problems to win with an amazing 177 jalapenos. Going into the competition Pat told us he expected the winner to eat anywhere from 140 to 160, so his winning with 177 surprised the hell out of him.

However, fellow competitor Erik "The Red" Denmark said he wasn't really surprised. He said he was more surprised by the fact that, "three eaters ended up over 140 and that (he) was not one of them." Erik went on to say, "It is a shame that this contest was not held at a bigger venue with more attention because it was definitely one of the most grueling and entertaining tests of first speed, than capacity, and than especially resistance from the vinegar, heat, and flavor of the jalapenos."

This next detail from Erik is not for the weak stomached so please don't fault us if you start feeling as if you had just eaten 100 jalapenos. However, we are keeping it in because it really gives readers, who don't compete, real insight into what it feels like to do this. "I personally was not that impressed by my own total of 107 because I was doing really well in the first 8 minutes of the contest, I had about 90 down and I was probably 25-30 behind Pat. The taste and the vinegar hit me suddenly and my body reacted violently - I threw up twice in my mouth and my cheeks were bulging as I was trying to keep it in, the regurgitated jalapeno juice started coming out of my nose! I managed to compose myself and swallow what was in my mouth but I was walking a very thin line the rest of the contest, I did not push it at all after that because a reversal and disqualification would have been devastating to me. That contest was a test of will; the last 5 minutes were a struggle for everyone."

Thank you Erik...for that lovely, um, vision. But still, it's refreshing to hear someone say "I threw up in my mouth" and really mean it. Also, Erik liked our interview so much, he's posted it up on his blog, so now you can read about throwing up in mouths in several locations on the interweb. Isn't the future awesome?

Don Lerman, who was hoping to reclaim his title and who raised some eyebrows when he claimed on his website he would win in New Mexico said he "was taken aback by the peppers in New Mexico; the shell was soft and it was made for speed. I knew the numbers will be in the upper 100s." He also wishes he would have brought milk to drink in the contest instead of water. Lerman finished with only 48 jalapenos.

Pat, who told us that the burn wasn't as bad as he had anticipated during the contest, paid dearly for his antics the next day. Apparently, after the contest, egged on by Erik Denmark, he added tequila, tamales, and burritos into the mix and didn't have the best of trips back to Chicago...it is here we will leave the rest up to your imagination.

And while we're on Mexican treats, we should mention Tim "Eater X" Janus's big win at the 2nd annual World Tamale Eating Championship in Lewisville Texas. The eater broke the world record by eating 51 tamales in 12 minutes during the competition. Only one tamale separated Tim and the second place finisher, Rich LeFevre, who we hope isn't too crushed by the close finish. We bet the $1000 cash prize helped ease his troubled mind and full belly.

This victory marks a bit of a come back for Eater X who was talking about "taking a break" before eating his personal best on July 4th. "Did I get a boost from the Fourth of July? I guess so, at least a little bit, but I don't think it lasted very long, although the feeling of accomplishment did. I'm still very pleased with my performance that day, even though like most guys, I'm looking forward to trying to improve upon it," he said.

Crazy Legs, on the other hand, attributes the change in attitude to the gift basket Jennifer Aniston bestowed on him. (Several phrases in that last sentence should be read with air quotes around them.) He thinks Tim's switch from Jodie Foster is healthy for the ego, and sums up his friend this way: "Janus is an enigma wrapped inside a riddle wrapped inside a cornhusk wrapped inside a conundrum. Just when you think the Masked Avenger is out for the count, he comes back like Barbara Streisand. You are nice to him, and he crushes you. You challenge him, and he crushes you. You can't win so its best to cross to the other side of the street and let him be. There is a reason he is the Sybil of the Stomach. Maybe I should attribute the Bruce Banner line to him...except it would be, 'Don't make me melancholy, you don't want to see me when I'm melancholy.'"

Seaver "The Achiever" Miller placed a strong 3rd and we think this bodes well for his future. When asked about his thought process going into a competition Seaver stated, "Being so new with so few competitions under my belt, I don't go into competitions to beat other people or to keep an eye on other people. I have a personal goal I set for myself before the competition. Whether I reach that goal or not I walk away from the table always learning something new." A very thoughtful answer, from a very thoughtful competitor.

Though Crazy Legs had this to say about the new guy, "It is as if he stepped out of the fifties into a technicolor 06. He goes from the "Leave it to Beaver" soundtrack to Nine Inch Nails in 8 - 12 minutes. He looks like an action figure. Maybe he is just his own action figure except bigger. He is the next class of great eaters, guys like him and Denmark improve not in years, but in circuits. It took me four years to go from 14 hot dogs and buns to 22, and those guys made it happen in their rookie outings. Seaver is too polite for his own good, I'd love to see him mug an old lady or push somebody down the stairs, but he is coming out of his shell."

And then there's Pat Bertoletti, who killed at the World Kolache Eating Championship. If you are anything like Krista, when someone says "kolache," your immediate reaction is: kolache-who? And then you take yourself to the knowledgeable pages of Wikipedia where you find a kolache is actually a type of pastry with a variety of fillings from cheese to fruit inside a bread roll. And then you say to yourself, I always thought that was a danish, to which Wikipedia replies, no you imbecile a danish is a layered pastry similar to a croissant, but topped with icing or maybe custard. To which you finally reply, note taken, Wikipedia (you know-it-all)...I stand corrected.

It seems the kolache/danish confusion is pretty common since Pat Bertoletti, the winner of the competition, with 44 kolaches referred to the pastry as, "dinner biscuits with the middle cut out with cherry pie filling; kind of like cheese danishes." Weighing in at 2.5 - 3 oz each Pat said they went down pretty easy, but were a little sweet and rich towards the end...hmm, the end of a 44 pastry eating frenzy gets a bit rich towards the end...who would have thought? Just kidding, we love the Pat here at True Fan.

Hall "Hoover" Hunt upped his web presence in August by launching his own blog and he's made a good start with four entries so far. Pretty good for a guy who says he doesn't "have a clue how all this works." In his blog, Hall professes his love for eating, which he proclaims is one of, "the greatest sports of all time" and his reasons for competing, "It combines many of my great loves such as eating mass quantities of food, traveling, and competing." We wish Hall the best of luck and welcome him to the blogger family.

And if you can believe it, we're not even done. Stay tuned for our tribute to one of competitive eating's favorite gurgitators, who announced his retirement in August. You'll be missed, Booker!