A Rambling, Tortured, Distorted Preview Of A Truly Great Rivalry Wherein As Many Parodies Of Our Rivals' Name That We Can Think Of Are Printed Without Regard For Brevity (The Soul Of Wit) Or Relative Humor Level, As Long As They Serve To Further Denigrate

The first thing that really confounds any newcoming fan of the USL, after they stop snickering over the name Ragin' Rhinos, is that the the schedule appears to be put together by a drunken, angry spider monkey. It metes out punishment randomly, wantonly, only pausing briefly to check that there are not 37 days in July.

Of course, this is a tortured intro to saying that the Timbers head into a back-to-back series with the Preston Burpo-less Kitsap Sounds Of The Seventies. Two games without a day for rest? With a 3-hour bus ride each way? YOU WILL SHUT YOUR PURTY MOUTH AND TAKE WHAT THE SPIDER MONKEY HATH GRANTED YOU.

It's really going to be a shame watching the Kitsap JV squad without Burpo this year, having left the northwest to clean the goat stables at Chivas North Country. Of course, the celebrated be-nosed and be-neck-bearded Burpo is a treasure trove of comic relief and pedophilia wherever he goes, such as when he played right into our hands by breaking the nose of Bremerton forward Maykel Galindo. Obviously, Burpo's nose saw an evolutionary competitor to its alpha nose status. (details in this match preview by the excellent Allison Andrews.)

When it comes to the Tukwila Tugboats, you really have to feel for the players most of all (I mean, underneath the seething bile). When they're not being targeted for Burpo's hospitalization express, they're forced to play for pittance in front of crowds so small, even their families find better things to do. If that wasn't enough insult, you have a "fan" "base" that continually approaches new Kaufman-esque heights of self-parody each week (warning: youtube link). After a few months of the star treatment, these guys are ready to throw themselves in front of the Burpo Bus and end it all, and that can't be good for the Development of the American Soccer Player, can it? Of course, once their flight to the burbs is complete, they won't be developing anything anytime soon.

Zach is right. There's no fun in denigrating a team from Kitsap. It's like beating up a 9 year old. Would you really do this to us, Shittle? Who would we hate if you weren't here? Vancouver? it's just not the same, and some of us actually like that city, what isn't Whitecraps-tainted, at least. Puerto Rico? Virginia Beach? Please. The Rochester Raging Allegories of Sexual Frustration? OK, at least there's potential there, but don't make us stoop to that level. We need you to focus our hate. You need us, to.... well, you need fans. And you need a stadium. And a city that's not a train wreck. But let's not bite off more than you can chew right now. Suffice to say, you're a mess. But that's nothing that a move to the burbs can fix.

The Mighty Mighty Timbers travel to Starbuckistan tonight, and then face the Team With No Name, Home, Or Fans at PGE Park on Saturday, kickoff at 7pm.

Postscript: Recently, we were able to get our grubby little hands on a copy of Ax To The Head, unarguably a paragon of sports reporting and fandom testification. If I were you (and let's be glad for both of us that I am not), I would get one as fast as humanly possible and let money or dignity be no object.