The Desperate Plight of a Football Fan

by Jos. W.

I have to admit, I’m drooling a little – and I finished lunch an hour ago. Despite the fact that I’m in reasonably good health, my body is shaking uncontrollably at odd times throughout the day. Trouble concentrating, alternating giddiness and frustration, short attention span. Yep, I’ve got all the symptoms of Football Fever.

IT STARTS TONIGHT!

The Horseshoes and the Flying Elvii (with a nod to NFL.com’s TMQ) square up tonight at 8:00 p.m. Eastern for the first regular season game of the 2004 season. Finally, a game that means something! Well, to most of us, anyway. My wife will disagree, as the only games she will watch are Titans games (every one of which means something, darnit!) – the rest for some reason bores her. My usual excuse for watching other than the “home team” games is to keep up on my fantasy football teams, but that won’t fly tonight, as I have neither a Colt nor a Pat on any of my rosters this year.

So, how do I convince my wife that tonight’s contest must be watched, and watched on the big-screen in the middle of her living room? Perhaps mention of the “Opening Kickoff Extravaganza” party will be enough. As I live on the West Coast though, the party is aired after the game, and she’s never really been a big Jessica Simpson fan anyway. Things are beginning to look a bit bleak.

I could appeal to the cuteness factor. Women the world over seem to think Tom Brady is hunky, and the tight pants are always a big seller. Somehow though, Tom Brady just isn’t as cute as our new, 1-month-old son, over whom my wife gushes hourly. Rats, foiled again!

I’ve tried the “Peyton Manning is an ex-Vol” argument, but the wife’s loyalty to Tennessee begins and ends with the Titans, so that’s no good. Nor is the idea that “it’s Monday Night Football, ya gotta watch MNF.” “Not on a Thursday.” I’m getting wide-eyed and desperate just thinking about it. Foaming at the mouth will not help.

My next option is to point out that nothing else is premiering tonight, so she’s not missing anything good, while praying she hasn’t bought that new DVD she’s been wanting. I’ll also have to hope she doesn’t come back with “well, since there’s nothing on, let’s [insert any other activity here].” My wife is nothing if not creative and efficient when given an opportunity, so I can’t count on that.

It’s last hope time boys. I may have to play “let’s make a deal.” While nothing premieres tonight (other than NFL Football), several shows do premiere next Thursday. “If I can watch football on the big screen tonight, I’ll let you watch Survivor 37 next week.” Hopefully I won’t have to resort to this, but this is football we’re talking here, so, “I’ll even (gulp) watch it with you.” Given the absence of Rupert, this may not even be enough, but it’s all I’ve got. If this card fails, I’ll be squinting at the small screen in the bedroom, trying to figure out if that little dot is the football or the blimp – if I’m lucky.

Either way, you’d best not call me tonight between the hours of 8 and 11 p.m. Eastern (not that you would, you’re watching the NFL, after all). I’ll be busy. In fact, you probably shouldn’t call next week either – she’ll get cranky if we miss Tribal Council.