I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to sports games. I have no idea what to expect or what is going on. Basically any human man or child has more knowledge about sports events than I. But this does not deter me from enjoying new experiences, and a Blazer game is totally a new experience. I saw the Blazers vs the Memphis Grizzlies. I must admit, I would’ve loved to go to the Blazer/Laker game. I lived in LA a long time and people are criminally insane about the Lakers. Instead I got to enjoy another sports team who, like the Lakers originating in Minnesota, have been displaced to warmer climates, in this case, the formerly Canadian Grizzlies who now dwell in the delta.

The best piece of advice I got about the game was to “arrive early”. Not because of traffic or convenience but because of pure showmanship. The best part of the whole show, I mean game, is at the top of the evening. First of all it’s enjoyable to witness the guys warming up. They’re in their outfits which look so comfy, and they’re just warming up, you know, like anyone else – they’re exactly like you and me. Then they go into their dugout or whatever and the show begins!

An Italian child wearing a Billy Elliot t-shirt comes out to sing the national anthem. Tiny human women in sequined bikinis stand on the hands of gigantic bald men and do flips in the air. The lights go down and the beats go up! Blood pumpin’ beats charge through the stadium; everyone stands up, clapping, stomping, dancing. The 65 yr old man next to me is pounding his fist in the air to the music, the tough talkin’ couch potatoes in the row behind me are doing the same; the music is just like at a gay man’s disco party! I feel so ALIVE! Thanks to the power of Jock Jams, EVERYONE CAN ENJOY THIS EVENT!! Oh my! An amazing video featuring a bunch of players who are presumably everyone’s favorites is aired on the jumbo screen – they all look so happy, and everyone is so happy to see them! The team comes out and one of the guys who everyone likes so much that they can’t stop clapping says something. I have no idea what he said. It was probably something wonderful, because everyone was so pumped! I look around me and notice many, many people are wearing jerseys with names on the back. I see some repeated names: Aldridge, Matthews, Wallace, Batum. I only see one Fernandez – and I’m curious. Who is this “Fernandez”? If I were at a baseball game I wouldn’t think twice, but not a lot of Fernandez-es in basketball. I’ll have to keep my eye peeled for that guy.

THE GAME BEGINS!

It appears from the first half of this game that these two teams are exactly evenly matched, because they are totally in a tie. The way the first quarter went was Memphis would get a basket and then they’d foul so the Blazers would get free throws and that was how the scoreboard climbed. I was beginning to put the players to the names on the backs of the shirts people are wearing. Long haired Wallace – yes! L-train LaMarcus Aldridge – yes! And in comes Fernandez. Hello, Fernandez, and what do you have for us this evening?

THEN IT’S HALF TIME!

I was hoping for a little more from the cheerleaders. I’ve seen Glee and Bring It On, I know what cheer choreography can do, and the “blazer dancers” were neither on stilts, nor doing 6 flips at once, which I found disappointing. I in no way dismiss the athleticism nor the stage presence of the cheerleaders. They are a fiery bunch of winners, that is clear. I think my disappointment would’ve been assuaged if only they’d chosen MORE powerful, MORE in-your-face music for their dance routine (music more like the opening VIDEO)! It was at this moment when I realized why sports players date cheerleaders – they’re both never-say-die athletes rippling with muscle; arguably a perfect match. Bouncing off each other like rubber mallets.

As half time entertainment, 3 mismatched adult men did a weird show about jumping on trampolines and making baskets. One guy was short with grey hair, another guy looked like superman and the third guy looked like a shaven Zach Galifnakis. No matter how visually unsettling, all three were great at the show they were putting on. Again I would’ve enjoyed more intense music – but in this case the music would be like music at an arena magic show – pulsating, with a touch of mystery.

BACK TO THE GAME!

I have no memory of the third quarter, because it was in the fourth quarter when the game went… from BLAZÉ to BLAZER!

All of a sudden we’re all ridin’ the L-Train (code for “LaMarcus Aldridge”=everyone’s favorite) then I made up similar phrases for the other players when they made baskets. “Putting up the dry wall” = Gerald Wallace, “laying down the yoga mat”=Wesley Matthews, “Mill Wheel grinding”=Patty Mills, “Fern gully’s making Tapas” =Rudy Fernandez. Actually I have a few for Fernandez because I didn’t know where he was from until I internetted him. For example “Fernandez is whipping up some guacamole” (if he were from Mexico) or “who’s on production? Dezi-lu” (if he were Cuban) or “Can you hear the drums, Fernandez” (if he were Swedish). But he is from España, so Tapas it is. Another option for when he’s putting the hurt on the other team is to say “the Spaniard’s spreading smallpox.” That reference is a little dark. I don’t know what is going on with Spain, but they are exporting some fine basketball guys.

All of a sudden the Blazers got ahead and people in the stands started leaving, I guess to avoid traffic or crowds or something. Which is a shame, because just as the Blazers were making 100 points, for some reason everyone started chanting “chalupa” and then Taco Bell gave everyone free chalupa coupons. So the early leavers didn’t get any snack coupons. Bummer for them, because who doesn’t want to sink their teeth into a “crispy chewy chalupa”.

THE BLAZERS WON!

That’s not a surprise.

I must say, the best part of the evening was learning the hand sign. It’s an “OK” sign, but now it means “3 points”. I chose to take it to the limit and do the sign with 2 fingers for 2 point shots and with just my pinkie for free throws.

Good work, Blazers. It was great getting to know you a little, and learn more about what your job is.

And great work, fans. Especially the retiree who when he walked over to take the seat next to mine slapped me on the shoulder with his program, as if to say “hey buddy.” We didn’t and do not know each other, but that was the level of camaraderie at the Blazer game, where a strange old man can literally hit someone and it is awesome. A level of camaraderie where no one is put off by a girl taking photos of herself in the bathroom, A level of camaraderie where all walks of life from children in costume to retired adults with type 2 diabetes can dance to the sounds of a gay man’s disco, A level of camaraderie where it feels like I just had dinner at a new friend’s house. A dinner of beer and chalupa coupons.

Thank you, Blazers. I hope we can do it again sometime… or three times (goggles face).