Strategic thinkers
Posted by: lucie
One of the funniest things about doing an MBA is watching people slowly mutate into MBA caricatures before your very eyes. They start off a bit overwhelmed and wide-eyed, but honestly - put one semester of finance, marketing and other basics behind some of them and suddenly they know everything. This all comes to a very scary head in the silliest class of all: strategic management.
Strategic management is where MBAs learn to speak like MBAs, and to draw serious-looking but ultimately very simple diagrams that make them look as though they possess elite knowledge. Our professor typically explains, in the most fancypants way possible, with as many references to Harvard as he can squeeze in, something so very businessy that typically boils down to a simple concept, such as "don't invest in things that don't look like they'll succeed, but invest a lot of money in things that look like they could be successful - if you have the money" or "don't get complacent or you might miss the big picture" or "listen to the customer." One per class, by the way. We'd never cover that much material in one class.
Academic business types sit around dreaming up ways to draw concepts on 2x2 matrices, I think. And then they actually copyright and patent them. Take, for example, the Boston Consulting Group's growth/market share matrix. Check out that link - it opens in new window. See how it seems goofy yet academic and complex all at once? The funny thing is that it's saying hardly anything at all.
I'll give my thirty second version. If you have products with high market share in high growth markets, invest lots of money in them because they will make you lots of money. For products with high market share in low growth markets, invest moderate amounts of money in them because they will make you a moderate amount of money. Bear with me now, because it gets even trickier. for products with a low market share in a high growth market, you should pick the ones you think will be successful and then invest lots of money in them becuase you can make lots of money off them, but the ones you don't think will be successful, you shouldn't invest in those. Don't worry if you don't understand all this. Not everyone can be an MBA, right? Finally, products with low market share in low growth markets, probably you don't want to invest in them because you won't make your money back.
Seriously, we spent like three hours on this one day.
Business is common sense, really. So the best part of strategy class is passing notes back and forth with the boyfriend, just trying to maintain a sense of humor about the absurdity of it all. We also keep a running tally of how many times the lecturer mentions that he spent some time teaching at Harvard. Today we realized there may even be an inverse correlation between the number of times he does this and how intimate he is with the particular case study of the week. If he has interviewed important executives at the company in question, he drops quotes. However, when he has no inside line on the case, or his knowledge is way out of date (cf a case study about Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft that dated back to 2001), he invokes the prestige of Harvard. We look forward to keeping more detailed data in the future and performing some statistical analysis on these theories.
But anyway, he isn't the only one talking nonsense. The longer some people are on this course, the more nonsense they talk. They take on this air of authority when discussing, say, the financial condition of companies on which they have no insider information. If I've learned one thing about finance, it is this: you can't tell jack from the financial statements a company makes public. There are a million and one ways to make everything look rosey. In face, the rosier things look, the more wary I reckon I'd be. But there they set, my colleagues, making these grandiose statements about how this company should buy that one, or this one should expand into India/China (most popular statement EVAR thank you) as if they really have some in depth knowledge. It's just funny.
I mean, no one ever said MBAs had in-depth knowledge anyway. That isn't what it's about, and that's fine. And I guess none of this is any surprise, because talking a load of jargon and acting like they know more than anyone else is what MBAs are really supposed to do, and I guess this is our time for learning how to do it.
Anyway, it's not all bad. I'm learning some good stuff too. The truth is, there's a lot of knowledge to be gleaned on a course like this. The trick is just not to believe your own hype.
Today I had to make a presentation about a strategy for a very big global player in the banking sector. We present cases each week, and this week it just happened to be my turn. To my delight (cough), I had the special honor of presenting my strategy suggestion not only to my colleages and the professor, but also to the CEO of the freaking bank. This has never happened before in the class, and I had no warning of my privilege until the man walked in five minutes before I was to present. I proceeded to tell him and everyone else that his operations were getting bloated and that he should move his UK backoffice functions to Central Europe if his company wanted to remain flexible enough to be competitive in the future.
His response was along the lines of, "Don't you think we've thought about this kind of thing before?" to which I replied that yes, of course I did, and I was sure he had more information than me. He assured me repeatedly that they discussed new possible locations every month, and once he'd roughed me up just slightly, he backed off and said it was actually a good idea, and one that they were considering.
Afterward I realized that maybe my little pre-presentation joke: "What an honor to be able to present to the CEO of this institution - Colin, if you'd like to speak to me about my consultation rates at the coffee break, I'll talk to you in the lobby" - might actually have been taken as slightly less sarcastic than it had been meant. Which makes sense, I suppose, because I can imagine some people in my class making that kind of "joke" half seriously. Note to self: try not to make faux-cocky MBA type jokes in the presence of multinational CEOs in the future.
Noisy neighbors and premature job hunts
Posted by: lucie
The guy who lives somewhere upstairs - upstairs and behind, or upstairs-and-to-the-left, or some other mysterious upstairs location - thinks he can sing and rap and drum (with hands). He also thinks it's cool to listen to The Doors and crappy hip hop and sing, beat and stomp along at 2am. I wish two things: 1) that he would drop dead right now, and 2) that I could figure out which damn flat he lived in. I walk outside and listen from the courtyard, total silence. I walk upstairs in this building and listen in the hallway - total silence. He must be somewhere in the adjacent building not facing the same courtyard as me. Wherever he is, we share walls and vibrations and I have to hear his nasty singing and crappy hip hop. And I swear it's loud, as unlikely as it may seem given the silence in select surrounding areas.
I tried banging on what seemed to be the correct area of my ceiling, but I fear I am actually disturbing someone else's sleep, and anyway, it certainly didn't have any positive effect. I'm taking another direction now: sitting at my laptop with a beer. It beats laying in bed wishing death upon the little bastard.
In typical MBA style, I have begun my jobhunt at least six months before I could possibly start a job. I've posted my CV on Monster, sent it to a UK government programme that matches skilled postgrads with up-and-coming companies in this region, and poked around on the Guardian's job site. The Monster CV, despite clearly stating that I was looking for non-profit work, attracted a recruiter with a 4-6 month IT contract far from home. The interest was nice, anyway. I would actually have quite liked to do the gig and made a bit of quick cash, if it weren't for the distance. Tried to pass it on to a friend or two, but no takers.
The UK agency contacted me yesterday to see if I'd be interested in being the International Marketing Manager for a company that made telemetry collars for tracking wildlife. I thought that sounded semi-interesting, and the title certainly would have looked nice on my CV, but something made me wonder whether said collars would be used purely for humane purposes, and besides that, the offices are in podunk nowheresville. ("Did you really think the wildlife company would be in, like, London?" the boyfriend asked.)
Speaking of inhumane, someone has been posting on my earlier Painted Cats entries that people read these books about painted cats and then try to paint their own cats, damaging them terribly. Said poster says I should take the posts down because I am promoting this suffering of cats. But now his comments are there on the posts explaining this, so do I really need to take them down? Hm.
Finally, I found an interesting job in this area of the country working for a non-profit healthcare organisation, basically copywriting and overseeing the production of their fundraising literature. It sounds fairly basic until you get to grips with the size of the organisation and volume of materials they'd be talking about, which probably explains why the salary seems quite high given the title (which doesn't have 'manager' in it). So I spent this evening rewriting my CV (It's always so much more satisfying reworking your CV with an actual job in mind. This whole 'generic CV' thing just doesn't inspire greatness) and pulling together a lovely customised cover letter claiming that I'll be available to work in mid-June. Which I will, really, except I'll still have a dissertation to do. But what the heck. It could be done.
Of course, even if I get the interview, even if they offer me the job, I don't know if I could actually accept it. This is where relationships complicate life. Here I am with a boyfriend of just four little months, but someone I feel entirely at ease with and could imagine staying with for a long time. Here we are, both trying to decide whether we want to stay in the UK after school, and then whether we can find suitable jobs in the UK after school, and if not, where we'd live in the States, and neither one of us wanting to settle for a post-MBA job that isn't up to our abilities or hopes. I think I've said it here before, but international love truly is a pain in the ass. There's little sense in me even applying for a job that I would have to accept by March, let's say, when school doesn't even end until September and the boyfriend has yet to decide what his disseration will be about, let alone which country he wants to live in.
His background is healthcare finance, and he doesn't think he wants to work for the NHS, so that raises a few red flags. He also doesn't know whether he wants to stay in healthcare finance, and occasionally muses, "I wonder if I could get a job in finance for Apple," or "Hey, the Miami Heat are hiring for a Controller," whereupon he fantasizes about offering Mr O'Neil a towel or bottle of Gatorade, or just getting to write out his bazillion dollar paychecks, etc.
I guess I could pretty much go anywhere, anyway. Well, not Miami. Little danger of that, though, as the boyfriend is a redhead. He could handle Miami for about two days before developing skin cancer. Thank God I have an insurance policy against Miami. I have that, at least. But beyond that, there are no certainties.
Except this: that little fucker is shrieking along with LA Woman again, the campus security guys are here, and they too are perplexed as to where this obnoxious noise pollution is rooted. They are creeping around investigating. God bless them for trying, anyway. Fingers crossed they'll track the evil perpetrator down and silence his classic rockin, trashy hip hop blasting ways.
A little bit of peace, right?
Please, please pray for me. Because he just started playing that Go Ask Alice or White Rabbit or whatever that song is REALLY LOUD and I can't take it anymore. I just can't. And I only *have* two beers, and they're not going to be enough to put me to sleep.
Well, goodnight. I'll do my best. I wish you all greater peace than I am finding in my own humble abode this evening. Enjoy the silence, brothers and sisters, wherever you may find it. Silence is precious.
Testing
Posted by: lucie
The other night I went to a concert and I was the oldest one there. I think this is literally true. Mind you, it wasn't a concert I normally would have gone to or anything; the boyfriend is kind of into some stuff that I'm not so hot on, but the reverse is also true and we do our best to accompany each other to whatever shows one of us might want to see. He buys the tickets for his shows and I buy the tickets for mine. It's a nice agreement. But my point here, dear readers, is that this was one of his shows, thus I am not outgrowing any of my own scenes.
Still, very bizarre. It was full of teenagers. Teenagers who thought they were all punk, wearing braces and sweatshirts with gun graphics silkscreened on the front, acting tough. The venue was sold out but there were no lines at the bars -- because most of the crowd wasn't old enough to drink (note: in the UK this means 18). Top two wtf moments:
1) Turning to a girl next to me and asking "Was this song popular in the UK in the eighties?" when a most bizarre between-bands-selection was played. "Erm... don't know. I was born in the eighties," she said apologetically.
2) Looking out into the crowd and spying a sea of LCD screens as they all took pictures with their phones. I'm not saying I have really been to that many concerts where a sea of lighters ever featured, but I have known such things to happen at least a couple of times. It was such a "this is truly not my generation" feeling.
Was I that cute and faux-rebellious when I was 17? God, I'm sure I wasn't but I really wish I had been. Oh well.
Now I am just a boring old MBA student beginning to lose the faith a little bit. God, I'm in a bad mood. I like fewer and fewer of my classmates all the time and I really can't tell whether I'm being unreasonable in my write-offs. For example, today an African friend told me that one of the American girls I am sort of friends with (mostly I am a shoulder for her to cry on about her boy problems, if we want to get specific) basically doesn't acknowledge her when she says hello. Ditto many of the other students from Africa, India and other further-afield countries. I always knew she was a bit picky in who she chose to speak to, and I've always been uncomfortable with this, but I never had any idea she snubbed people this way.
Which is a lie, I guess, because I've kind of seen her do it. I suppose I rationalized it to myself as a couple of more or less one-off incidents. Today I started watching her and realized how snooty she really was to anyone she didn't consider part of her circle. I watched and got really, really angry, and began to feel ashamed to be sitting next to her. The African girl isn't a dramatic type. She's a beautiful, lovely, soft-spoken and very chilled out girl who has been keeping this to herself for a while although it makes her feel like dirt. And it's really inexcusable, this kind of behavior.
I've been having a lot of these "loss of respect"/"writeoff" moments lately. The list of people I actually like on this course is getting shorter and shorter, and I feel bad about that. It probably means I'm overly judgmental. But damn, people act in disappointing ways. Sixty students from thirty-five different countries - you'd think people would learn something. It's amazing how narrow minded some can still be.
Gender is another big issue, and a difficult one to reconcile. There are many guys I don't have much time for because of their attitude toward women. I've had some rather unpleasant groupwork experiences with a good handful of them. I've definitely never considered myself one to fall back on the "that guy seriously has issues with women" excuse, but it is an ever-present tension in this multicultural, male-dominated environment. Maybe I should be more forgiving of people who grew up in countries where women are second class citizens. But hell, maybe I should be more forgiving of American girls who are so ignorant of the world they don't think they have to say hello back to anyone they don't necessarily understand.
Do you ever get to that point where you just think yes, everyone is insecure to some extent, but it can't just be an excuse for behaving poorly? I mean, if you break it down, you can take any heartless action or statement or pattern of behavior and trace it back to some sadness or insecurity, but... I don't know, I'm in more of a mood these days to write people off and detach, because integrity and sincerity and general awareness seem to be in short supply over here sometimes. They really do. And it's wearing me down.
/VENT
Choose a dissertation, choose an advisor, choose a career, choose a life
Posted by: lucie
The MBAs are getting restless. It's that special time of year when the staff begins to push you forward onto a long and winding career path that will, the school hopes, end with students stepping into high-paying jobs and boosting the school's rankings. The first semester they assess you, talk to you about your CV, bring in a plethora of speakers from banking, finance, pharmaceutical, oil & gas and consulting companies and encourage you to network mercilessly. I have done pretty much none of the above.
Some people feel the job-hunting fire burning under their asses from week one. The programme directors tell you things like "Remember how long it might have taken you in the past to find a job - you'll want to start looking very early." Somehow it has never taken me more than about a month to find a job. Perhaps that's because I'm not picky enough, or I get too easily excited by fresh challenges, or talk a good game in interviews. But it's never seemed that hard.
Anyway, this semester they do try to press you a little harder down the funnel. There are two main mechanisms, as far as I can see. First, the Career and Personal Development feedback. They observe you, give you a handful of personality tests, look at your CV, ask you what you like and then give you encouraging nudges in some direction. For me it was consulting. I have a perfect consultant profile, they tell me. Consultants would be very interested in me, they say. I get it. I have a short attention span, like challenges, am creative, maybe have some problems with authority and long-term routine. Fair point. Still, one has to hang on to one's idealistic ideas of doing something to save the world, and most consulting firms just make big companies even more money.
The second tactic to narrow the field of potential careers is to get us thinking about our dissertation topics and advisors. We'll spend June-August writing our dissertations, and the proper choice of dissertation as an entree into a new career is much discussed. This is a bit of a tricky gamble, as you could choose a very specific topic in a very specific area in which you would like to work, thus putting all your eggs in one basket but arguably improving your chances of getting into, say, an international development agency... or you could step back slightly, choose a broader field and leave yourself options, just in case your ideal job should prove unattainable. If you can find a topic relevant to both, all the better.
So for me, it's going to be the last option. My dissertation will explore how non-profit organisations have used emerging internet platforms (blogs, podcasts, YouTube, Second Life et al) to achieve their communications aims on tight budgets... and how others might follow their examples and push those medium forward. I figure it's a fairly flexible topic - everyone has messages they need to get out, and there's never enough money to do it. Low-budget organisations probably have to be more creative in their use of new media because they can't necessarily afford the traditional paths, so it should be most useful to the sectors I'm particularly interested in. We should even be able to get down to the level of entrepreneurial crafts businesses in third world countries using blogs and getting flickr or YouTube accounts to show what their work is about, right? Why not? But if it turns out that I'm not able to get the kind of job I'd like at this point in my life, at least I could use the learning elsewhere. So that's the plan.
I've spoken to the advertising professor at the school, and she has agreed to be my disseration advisor, so this is pretty much locked down now. She even seemed fairly enthusiastic about the idea, which is a huge plus. In the meantime, some of my colleagues are still waiting for email replies from the advisors they hope to secure, so I feel quite lucky. Each lecturer can only advise something lik 7 or 8 students, so it's a bit of a race to get a good one sorted out. There is panic in the air.
The first order of business, I'm thinking, might be to start another blog. Something special to support the dissertation - basically get the feelers out, get a network started, see what's going on out there in the internet-savvy non-profit community. It could be the blog I was contemplating last summer, when I realized I could be doing something more productive with this space. Though it wouldn't be this space, of course.
Anyway, things are ticking over, kicking around in my head for the moment. Watch this space. In the meantime, feel free to hit me up with non-profit blogs, creative campaigns, weird Second Life advertising or anything else that's going on out there.
