Au revoir, Bordeaux
Posted by: lucie
(edit: photos added on July 5, 2006)
I tell you what, these Frenchies sure know how to enjoy their summer. Weekdays around here feel like Sundays, with half the shops in the center opening incredibly late if at all, and actual Sundays it's like a ghost town. Luckily I'm not in the mood for consumption. Nor alcohol (you know a girl is serious about quitting drinking when she skips her drink of choice - red wine - even while spending five days in Bordeaux), so it comes down to a lot of sitting in parks reading, strolling around checking out architecture, drinking tea at sidewalk cafes and watching the world go by.
Oh, and visiting Cathedrale Saint-Andre over and over. I don't know what it is about that place; I just like the feel of it, so I pop in daily to wander around, drop a euro to light a candle and contemplate the paintings and sculptures of Mary and Jesus and various saints. This morning I even went to Sunday mass, albeit primarily to listen to some chanting and choir and organ music. I mean, why not? What else are you going to do with a Sunday morning, besides sit around drinking tea and eating croissants?
A kind congregation member took it upon himself to let me know that you could scale the spiral staircase tucked away behind a hardly-noticeable door and get up to the organ loft. As the door was just slightly cracked open I had my doubts as to whether this was actually acceptable behavior, but he told me three times in three separate places in the cathedral and seemed quite keen that I take his advice, so I eventually wandered up. Wish I had the pictures to post, but that will have to wait until I get back home, I'm afraid. Anyway, I snuck a few peeks at the organist as he played and considered taking his picture, but it seemed bad form to use the flash without permission. You'd hate to be responsible for causing the organist to fumble when he's responsible for such a giant, cathedral-filling sound, so I wanted until there was a break between pieces to ask permission.
Holding up the camera and giving him a questioning look, I drew upon my stunning French vocabulary - "foto? sil vous plait?" - and guess what, guess what, guess what happened next? He patted the organ bench next to him and invited me to sit down while he played. He seemed more than a bit nervous but glad for the company and attention, and I was excited as a six year old in an airplane cockpit (back when that was acceptable - I suspose they've had to stop such fun and games now as you never know which six-year-old might be a terrorist, given the right opportunity). We had a halting conversation in French, which I do not really speak. But having lived abroad for a while, I'm pretty good at interpreting tone, body language and the odd word here and there, and picking up enough to respond a little bit... or at least I think I am. You never quite know whether you've got it right or not, and you find yourself smiling and saying "yes" quite a lot, but sometimes it works. Here's the kind of stuff I think we said to each other.
Him: Do you play the organ?
Me: Oh, no.
Him: That was a Bach fugue, it was very complicated.
Me: Very beautiful!
Him: Now I will improvise.
Me: Improvise! Aha! From the heart!
Him: Yes, of course, always!
We had ourselves a nice little time up there, providing music for the faithful as they filed in and took their seats for mass downstairs. I watched him move his hands between four keyboards while playing basslines with his feet and flipping switches for different voices with names like "bombardement" and "celestial flute" and "human voice" (those latter two were in french, I just can't remember the French words). Organs are complicated. They have a lot more switches, buttons and pedals than I ever knew. If you play the organ, I commend you.
Tomorrow, back to Eastern Europe. Au revoir, France! It's been magnifique.
Life has changed
Posted by: lucie
(edit: photos added on July 5, 2006)
Dear friends, I have no idea what to tell you about the last three weeks except that they have been three of the best (and at times hardest) of my life. I laughed, cried, sang and chanted a lot, breathed deeply, ate mindfully, did walking meditation with Thich Nhat Hanh, acknowledged some old suffering, made some new friends, listened to the most inspiring, essential, pure teachings I've ever heard and realized over and over just how beautiful every moment of life can be if we simply pay deep attention to it. I really do feel changed, and I'll absolutely go back to Plum Village again someday - hopefully soon. I'd like to spend a few months there sometime, but that's a story for another time.
Right now I'm enjoying the sights of Bordeaux, which is stereotypically French in all the most charming ways. Gorgeous old stone buildings and cathedrals, twenty restauraunts on each city block, quaint hat shops and dress shops and boulangeries and French women riding their bicycles in long, flowy dresses. One of my good friends from the Lotus retreat back in November also came to Plum Village, and we spent out first evening "out" of the monastery together eating pizza and having intense discussions about living in the present moment, the nature of reality and his thoughts on ordination. Yes, my dear friend is considering becoming a monk, and I can totally envision it. It's pretty cool.
He and I went on some adventures together after Lotus - we hit up Swyambunath (where they cremate people), the Monkey Temple, and even bungee jumping in the Himalayas. With all that plus a Tibetan Buddhist retreat and a Zen Buddhist retreat behind us, it felt like we should find something significant and adventurous to do with our only evening together in Bordeaux. Conveniently, the universe manifested a big street party for us in honor of summer solstice (we think), and we spent a few hours jostling around in the crowd, listening to everything from brass bands to pianists rolling out Chopin concertos to awful punk groups on street corners in the pedestrian district of Bordeaux. It was slightly overwhelming after all the mindful silence of Plum Village, but very joyful, and I realized that for all its faults and dangers and distractions, I do really love and feel a part of this world. I can understand why people chose monastic life, but I'd miss this crazy world if I left it behind.
The monitor on my digital camera cracked (again - only I'm past the 'no questions asked return period' this time, so will have to look into repairs or replacement. Shame, though I can't help but think I've more than had my money's worth out of this thing in the last year), so some of my shots are a bit disappointing; really goes to show how helpful it is to be able to check each attempt on the screen while you're still able to capture the moment. I have a feeling there are some good ones, though, and I look forward to sharing them later, along with some excerpts from Monastery Experience Number Two - a lot more positive than the Lotus days, I can tell you.
For now, the real world awaits, and I'm off to hit up a French fruit stand. Yesterday I had the best strawberry I've ever tasted in my entire life.
Summer retreat end
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 5, 2006)
Listen deeply to understand; look deeply to love.
mindfulness, concentration, insight
Summer retreat day twenty
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 5, 2006)
Our last full day! The fourteen mindfulness trainings transmission ceremony was beautiful, and then I sat at the front of the meditation hall, perfect photo distance, for Q&A. The Sangha fair is on and I've met the woman who runs my soon-to-be-local Sangha, and she seems lovely. Everyone is buzzing around and talking now, but I just feel like laying around in my own little zone of peace and quiet. I feel ready to leave tomorrow, I think. Not eager or anything - just ready. Feeling all chilled and ready to be released back into the world. But I'll definitely come back here someday. Probably within the year, I'd guess. And the woman who runs the soon-to-be-local Sangha said we'd probably have a retreat this year with some of the Plum Village nuns, so there is much to look forward to!
Kelly leaves today. I'll miss our chats. It's been awesome to connect with her here, and Evan; we've had some amazing, deep conversations about all kinds of things. It's been an excellent time.
- -
Wow - now that it's down to the very last night, I'm feeling a bit funny... uneasy, a bit anxious or even scared? It's hard to actually think about the problems or realities of "my life" while I"m here; largely because I don't even know what "my life" is, or what it will be. I've definitely learned to take deep breaths when that anxiety comes up, and I feel quite capable of clearing my head and dwelling in the present moment... I think I can learn to think less. Whatever life brings will be okay with me.
Summer retreat day nineteen
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 5, 2006)
So my fast lasted three days. Not long, but it did what I needed it to do. I feel good.
I've been thinking I'd really like to come back here for a while, either for a few months after business school or perhaps even during the six months they give us to work on our thesis. Hard to say whether the environment will be conducive or the Sangha would smile to academic work being carried out on the premises, but if my topic were something to do with ethical business it could fit right in!
I've been reading a book called "Mindfulness in the Marketplace," which is a collection of essays on ethical business, economics and consumption by prominent Buddhist teachers. So far I'm a little disappointed that it's so heavy on judgment and theory, and so light on pragmatism. Of course Thay's essay is very focused on individual mindfulness of consumption, which is brilliant. He certainly knows how to convey what must be accomplished within each of us in order to create peace in the world. As for other angles, well, few people seem to have much advice. It's an interesting area to focus on - concrete ways in which to change one's approach to business and be more helpful. Tangible practices people can actually do. I think everyone wants to be good; we simply don't always believe we have the time or energy to manage it. If we had concrete examples and suggestions of how to do more good and less harm, it would be much easier to accomplish.
I've heard one of the sangha members runs a chain of Fair Trade stores; must catch up with her and learn a bit more about that, maybe get her contact info and follow up later. There are probably loads of progressive business types here. It hasn't really been a priority to find them. Nor the Brits from the area I'll be moving to. So much being in the present moment, so little time to think about the future!
I wrote Thay a letter last nght, but not to ask a question. Throughout the retreat I've contemplated asking him what types of things one might best do with business in order to improve society, but in the end I thought his response would probably be to look deeply into myself and my community for that answer. Instead I wrote him a letter and told him about the question I'd thought to ask, the kind of books I've been reading and ideas I've been researching, the answer I thought he would give me and many thanks for the teachings during the retreat. I also offered to send him some of the books if he was interested. He's always learning new things and leading special retreats for professionals, from teachers to psychotherapists to business leaders. Right now he's studying quantum physics and neuroscience to prepare for a retreat with scientists. I could imagine him doing the same with economists or something, so I just offered the books in case he was interested, and as a show of gratitude for the teachings. You know, rather than lazily asking for answers I should do the work to find within myself.
- -
Tomorrow morning we'll have a ceremony for transmission of the fourteen mindfulness trainings, and new OI members will be ordained. Then breakfast, then Q&A, then a "Sangha Fair" where we can meet members of the sanghas in our respective areas, or in some cases try to form them. In the afternoon we'll have a no-doubt emotional session of "beginning anew" in our family groups, then dinner, packing, evening meditation. Tomorrow morning people will start to trickle away!
It's funny, I brought four notebooks with me on this retreat, convinced I would go through at LEAST two and probably three. Here I am on the first one still. It's a good reflection on the retreat that I haven't spent the entire time with pen to paper. There has been much to enjoy.
Been contemplating the James question again today, specifically whether I'll have any word from him when I get out. I guess if he hasn't been in touch at all I'll take a hint and, uh, find someone else to give this autographed book too. If we pick it back up, fine. If not, the whole thing was a bit of a dreamy fantasy. I don't need it so desperately. I'll just dwell on my inbreath and outbreath!
Who needs a future husband? Who needs a future anything? What's wrong with here and now? Practice practice practice. I have an excellent life right now. Time to start enjoying it. I'm in France in the summertime. I don't need wine; I have my inbreath and outbreath. Who needs booze when life is so beautiful? And it really is. It hurts sometimes, it's confusing sometimes and I get anxious once in a while, but there's not a thing to complain about
I was telling Evan and Kelly today, it's so funny to look back on my 19 or 20-year-old self who used to protest, "I don't like drama, I just have a lot of drama in my life! I can't help it, I don't want it!" It may have taken ten years to really get it, and I might not be so skillful at recognizing it all the time, but now I do truly truly understand that everything comes from my own mind and I choose how to react to things, whether to be joyful or sad. All of it. The mind creates it all. James, this retreat, the people who breathe too loudly in the gompa, the beautiful lotuses blooming in the pond, my parents, the men I've carried on with - projections of the mind. If I train my mind, it will make better and better things in my world. If I appreciate things as they are, simplify, smile to life when I wake up in the morning and remember to breathe when I feel strong emotions, everything will keep getting better and better. It's all there. I can make my life as beautiful as I want to make it. I can make myself as compassionate and kind as I wish to be. In fact, there is no becoming; I already am everything I wish to be. The only task is to continue being the good things and be mindful of the unskillful habit energy.
Simple.
Summer retreat day eighteen
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 5, 2006)
Three days from the end of the retreat and people are starting to talk about travel plans and how they'll miss it here. I said in Dharma discussion yesterday that I wasn't happy or sad to be going. A lot of people are getting depressed about leaving, and about how much harder it is to practice at home, but it doesn't feel that way to me at all. I'm looking forward to the space, and to having an opportunity to use the practice in my everyday life.
Today we'll hear our second-to-last Dharma talk. Tomorrow is Lazy Day, Tuesday we'll have Q&A, then one more talk on the last day and we're gone. I shall sit in Bordeaux eating fresh fruit and lovely French food, sober and aware of all around me. Evan and I are leaving together and will hang out for the evening, which is nice - it will be good to re-enter the world with someone who has been on the retreat. Not that I expect it to be difficult. I love the outside world and will be pleased to say hello to it again.
Texted Rebecca to say I'd shaved my head and wasn't coming home, but she didn't buy it. I can't wait to see her and have an eight hour full-on interrupting-and-going-on-tangents conversation marathon. No one here interprets my interrupting as a show of enthusiasm, I'm afraid.
Summer retreat day seventeen
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 4, 2006)
So I more or less fasted yesterday, and I feel amazing for it. Well, much better, anyway. I had a little energy bar when I woke up, as I do every day (maybe 150 cals?), a decent sized breakfast at nine, and nothing but water and a bit of juice for the rest of the day. My body feels loads better and my emotions are much calmer, despite the fact that I am hormonal. Interesting to think that, while women generally succomb to cravings to alleviate the anxiety of PMS, cutting our food intake way back might actually be a lot more effective. One thing I remember well from Lotus is that when we started precepts, the vibe really calmed down. And in Thay's book about Anger he says that eating less has a calming effect. It seems quite true.
Picked up a copy of Cultivating the Mind of Love for Pete today. I wish he could have been here. There's a calligraphy I'd love to have bought him as well, but 80 euros is a bit spendy and I'm not that good a friend. It said "You have seen the path; you do not need to be afraid anymore." Well, the book can't be hung on the well, but it says a lot more than that. I hope he reads it. I mean, I'm sure he'll read it, but I hope he reads the whole thing soon, with excitement, and gets a lot of joy out of it.
One thing I'm really glad of with this retreat is that I feel like I've been pretty honest with myself. I haven't buried my mind in books, found fault with the teachings, fixated on other people's problems or psychological drama, obsessed too much on my own pain or even socialized that much (though I do feel like I've talked a lot more than is strictly necessary, but I make an effort to avoid it; it's not like I'm caught up in making friends). I feel like I've observed by mind, observed my emotions, observed others, but not gotten too caught in anything - or at least not for too long. And I've loved the teachings, at least on the days when I'm rested enough to be attentive. I've had my ups and downs over some of the personal history stuff, but I feel like I've managed to ride the waves pretty well. As well as I can right now.
It's totally damp cold this morning.
- -
This morning's teaching was awesome, getting deep into no-self and impermanence. Really beautiful. And even when you can't stay entirely awake, ti's great to close your eyes and, as Thay says, "allow the Dharma rain to penetrate the soil of your mind" when you're half awake! Keeps you from overintellectualizing.
"Psychotherapists like to talk about getting a strong sense of self. Before you can get a strong self, you have to make peace with the notion of non-self," Thay says. When there is a self, you spend a lot of time comparing it to other people.
The six characteristics/signs:
universality (like a house)
particularity (like the bricks and mortar)
unity
diversity
integration
differentiation (risk of alienation)
break through all notions... to nirvana in everyday life
Summer retreat day sixteen
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 4, 2006)
God, the retreat is really slipping away so quickly. I have moments when i'm ready for it to be over, but they always pass. It's just that I was so inspired the first week and went through the emotional wringer so hard in the second. There are so many people here that I occasionally feel a bit desperate for some peace and quiet. The discussion group is unfailingly emotional, to the extent that I'm starting to dislike spending so much time with them. Yesterday we got off to a slow start and someone actually pointed out that we weren't sharing as "deeply" and she missed the "healing." I'm beginning to see it as something of an emotional vortex that I'm wary of being sucked into. Maybe that's not quite accurate, but either way I've decided to start keeping my mouth shut from now on, lest I get swept away in the drama.
Today I'm going to cut back to one meal a day - it just feels like I need to do something to shift my mind a bit. I feel all bloated and my skin is in a state - there's a lot of talk about the MSG in the food, so who knows, maybe that has something to do with it. So I think I'll stick with breakfast. Fasting also tends to bring me good realizations, and I do feel like I've stagnated a bit, so here's hoping for a kick start. Less food, more time in silence, and we'll see where that gets us. Not having dinner will also give me an excuse to be by myself in silence for a short time; perhaps I'll enjoy some sitting meditation instead.
I was thinking today about what I'd tell my Lotus friends about this place - the ones who aren't here - and realized I'd probably have to say it can be a bit too group therapy or self-helpy at times. But there's no denying that it's a poultice for your pain and suffering. Those things are certainly drawn out. Whether that's good or bad, I'm not exactly sure. My current feeling is that it's probably good to acknowledge it and then move on. Again, there are many people in the world who would love to trade childhoods or other problems with me. I don't live in a warzone. I have my health and my freedom and some amazing friends. I have money and a good brain and enough to eat and clean water to drink. Really, I have it incredibly good. The trick is to appreciate all that and not dwell on the past.
Summer retreat day fifteen
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 4, 2006)
Didn't sleep well last night. It's going to be difficult to stay awake through teachings today. I set up camp outside thinking perhaps I could snooze on the grass a bit, but have found it a bit wet and opted for caffeine instead.
Just realized I'd like to get a hold of some of the recordings of Thay's teachings at the retreat for business leaders he held last year. He's publishing them in a book next year, which will be called "Power," but it would be great to listen to them before school starts. Maybe there'll even be people at school who would like to listen to them.
Been feeling gradually less enthusiastic about the retreat for the past few days; just a bit saturated, I guess. Maybe a bit aimless. Definitely tired.
--
Beautiful talk today. I think they are beautiful every day; it just depends on how tuned in you are.
Summer retreat day fourteen
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 4, 2006)
Body, speech and mind in perfect harmony
I send my heart along with the sound of the bell.
May the hearers awaken from forgetfulness
and transcend all anxiety and sorrow.
Listening to the bell, I feel the afflictions in me begin to dissolve.
My mind becomes calm, my body relaxed.
A smile is born on my lips.
Following the sound of the bell, my breath guides me back to the safe island of mindfulness.
In the garden of my heart, the flower of peace blooms beautifully.
Summer retreat day thirteen
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 4, 2006)
Just over a week left! It's quite hard to believe. I've hit a sort of middle-of-retreat slump where I just want to withdraw, sleep more and make judgments of people. Much easier. Tomorrow we'll have proper teachings again (today was Q&A), and that will make a big difference. We also have a formal lunch, where the entire monastic and lay Sangha, including Thay, eat our lunch together in silence in the meditation hall.
"This is one practice I think I will skip," a woman in my discussion group whispered to me today. "A lot of patience is required."
Bedtime already. Don't want to sleep through teachings in the morning.
Summer retreat day twelve
Posted by: lucie
(posted July 4, 2006)
Lazy Day again - more than halfway through the retreat already! It's hard to believe. The sun is beating down for the second intense day in a row, I had a great night's sleep and my stomach is full of beautiful vegetarian food.
This morning we watched a Dutch documentary about Thay's trip to Vietnam after 39 years of exile [note: the documentary is called Going Home and you can watch it over the interweb by following that link!]. It was incredibly beautiful. There's a scene where he gets off the plane in Vietnam and greets a nun he used to practice with; she's something like 100 years old, and he presents her with some flowers.
"I brought you these flowers from France," he says.
"I haven't brought you anything!" she tells him. "Except these flowers," pushing a bouquet at him.
"Give them to me; I'll put them on the altar."
"And some material for a gown," she adds, pulling it out of the bag to show him. "And some ginger cookies. And this envelope - save it for future use."
They embrace and she tells him there's no one else left now, only them. "Dear mother nun, let us go to the temple," he tells her. It was all very moving and I got more than a bit teary.
The documentary follows Thay as he gives teachings in temples, visits his root monastery and leads walking meditation through the city. It's gorgeous.
Otherwise, just lazing around for Lazy Day. Had a long chat with one girl here about Zen vs Tibetan Buddhism. She is very very intimately involved with her Tibetan Buddhist Sangha at home, as is her boyfriend, and she is struggling with ideas of what to do when she gets back. It sounds like Tibetan Buddhism is the biggest thing in her life and she is feeling really disconnected from it. On the one hand, I think it's all the same thing and matters very little; on the other, if you're surrounded by people whose practice you can't really relate to, it wouldn't do much for your own, so I guess it's tough.
Me, I don't feel I have so much to figure out, really. In terms of decision-making, anyway. Things just need to roll on for a while. Business school will be alright provided I learn the math and everything before I get there. I'll have a lot of that to cram before September. And as for where to live when school is over... well, I guess I'll make a decision about that when I'm ready. Maybe I'll come back here sometime soon. There are a lot of maybes. Nothing I can't handle.
I've been a little irritable in the past couple of days, but it seems to be going around for some reason. Our Dharma family is in an odd space - the energy is really dissipated and it bugs me a bit. I'm also, for some reason, feeling very self-conscious about my body and my eating habits, thinking I need to make a better effort with my diet at home. More cooking, more vegetables and less Eastern European fare. If I can manage that and give up drinking, my body should come back together nicely.
As for family stuff, I don't feel particularly ready to deal wtih it yet, so I'm glad I never booked that ticket home for August. I'll go at Christmas instead. For now, I've got enough to think about. I'd like to try and establish a nice, easy, mellow practice before biz school starts so I'll be able to hold onto it throughout the changes. And it'll be a nice way to slowly make my way to the UK rather than deal with lots of shipping and logistical shenanigans.
Math, economics, all those books about social entrepreneurship and progressive business, Dharma practice, gym... that'll easily fill 2 months. Not to mention enjoying summer in Eastern Europe. It'll be good. I'll arrive in the UK ready to roll.
--
If I haven't written this already, here's another little insight about my obsessive mind: why isn't real life good enough for me? I mean, seriously. It's good enough for Thay to dwell in the present moment with his entire being. Why do I need to escape into things? I should obsess on each moment, each thing I do. In fact, perhaps my obsessive mind, channeled correctly, will even help my practice. Why not? We all have to play to our own particular strengths, using the mental faculties we're given.
I have to admit that earlier, when I wrote about my "real life," I got a bit edgy. Heartbeat sped up a bit. There are things to do and handle, certainly, and limited time. Many challenges, to be fair. Likely some dramatic emails from mom and/or sisters when I get home, possibly continued silence from James. And I'll basically be a bit isolated again, spending most of my time studying. Perhaps I shall use it as a bit of a retreat, limiting my internet time, blocking out study time and dedicating a nice chunk to practice. There may also be the temptation to drink again when I get bored. A few weeks of mindful living here won't turn my real life into a dream, but I do believe I can begin to transform my reality if I use the tools properly. It is a wonderful opportunity. I'm lucky to have the time ahead.
Thay is signing an incredible number of books every day. People leave them on the altar and his attendants carry them off each day. When you get a book back with his signature on it, it's amazing to know that he has signed it with all of his being, completely mindful and focused on the act of putting pen to paper.
Summer retreat day eleven
Posted by: lucie
(posted July 4, 2006)
The ups and downs continue. Still feeling generally very happy, but a lot of emotions are coming up, both big and small. Everything from grief over childhood and my mother's refusal to acknowledge her past/present actions and states of mind to minor irritations about people's behavior. I found myself sharing with Kelly and Evan today about the early life/blank memory stuff and crying again. It's a bit embarrassing but I guess it's part of the process and I know they completely understand.
Thay's teachings continue to be amazing. I tried sitting outside yesterday, but it wasn't qutie the same; something changes when you can actually watch him. It adds another dimension. The calm of his movement, the serenity of his face, really convey the teachings that much more deeply.
He wants us to write letters to suicide bombers. Pretty intense. It's an exercise, a practice of compassion and looking deeply into the roots of things, but I really don't know how one would do it without sounding patronizing. Maybe I'm not quite ready for that level of practice yet. Maybe it'll come.
Feels like I have nothing interesting to write today. I guess things are working themselves out in my head and I don't need to write as much.
Summer retreat day ten
Posted by: lucie
(Posted July 2, 2006)
Had an interesting realization yesterday as I was contemplating just how embarrassing it is that I can't stop writing about James in my journal. The gist: the little things I obsess on mask the deeper issues I'm not ready to deal with. If I let go of my stupid obsession with James, I'll be letting go of one more wall that stands between me and my real pain. The next affliction will make itself known to me once I drop this one, and it will be bigger and scarier and deeper, so I keep the one I've got. I even invent new ones. Boys work especially well for this.
But here's an interesting thing about it; when you use people as distractions, it's not particularly fair to them, because you're not looking sincerely at who they really are. Who is James? A beautiful person, but I'm so busy projecting my own fantasies and ideas onto him that I fail to appreciate that half the time. What a shame. And not particularly fair to him not to give him the space to be whoever he actually is.
I know my mind pretty well by now - my obsessiveness and all that - and yet I laugh off my bad habits and say, with a dismissive wave of the hand, "Well, that's just me." I obsess on things even as I knowingly admit I'm creating it all in my head. So I'm halfway there; I can see exactly what I'm doing. I know all my own tricks. I've been studying them for a long time. All I need to do now is choose to stop. It sounds hard, but maybe it isn't so hard. Maybe I simply choose to be a better version of myself and get on with it.
I've read two of Thay's books since I got here; one on anger, and then Cultivating the Mind of Love, which is my favorite so far. Both were amazing. Cracking open Zen Keys today.
Summer retreat day nine
Posted by: lucie
(posted July 2, 2006)
Last night I took refuge and received the transmission of the five mindfulness trainings, then went out and laid in the grass by the lotus pond in the dark and sobbed. It felt more like catharsis than an emotional outburst; like releasing pain into the ground. A fitting ending to a most emotional day. During our Dharma discussion, at least half the group cried, including me. Everyone was coming out with all this pain and suffering. Maybe I'll deal with some family history during this time after all. It occurred to me last night that I should at least acknowledge it; articulate or write it down somehow. Say exactly what it is I'm angry about, where the suffering comes from. That could be a project in itself given how foggy my memory actually is.
But I took refuge and the mindfulness trainings, and I'm glad about that. It felt good. And I received a Dharma name: Mindful Action of the Heart.
Summer retreat day eight
Posted by: lucie
(posted July 1, 2006)
The Dharma talks get deeper and more beautiful every day, and each day I find myself thinking wow, I've been waiting my whole life for someone to say that. Just astounding. Breathtaking.
Just had a great chat with a Catholic nun on the bus back from the other hamlet. She was saying that Thay's teachings show her how to live, to take care of herself, and to understand things more deeply on a spiritual and not just a religious level. We agreed that all religions point toward the same thing and that their essence is the same. It was a lovely conversation that reaffirmed my feeling that a true Buddhist, a true Christian and a true anything else, for that matter, are really the same thing.
Had a nice realization about James today - namely that it's only a problem in my head; I'm making it an issue. It's the kind of realization you can apply to pretty much anything or anyone, of course. Actually there is still potential for something beautiful to blossom, friendship or otherwise; I simply need to remember that it will happen if it's meant to. The other part of the realization was that I'm completely not ready for any serious relationship stuff right now anyway. Not as serious as he and I could have become, at least. the thought of it actually sets me to panicking pretty quickly.
Not sure how to clear away the mess I've created in my mind so I can see the real person who is left, but I guess that's just the practice. Unravelling those knots in your mind isn't supposed to be easy, but it happens.
Throwing away wrong perceptions sounds a lot easier than it actually is.
Summer retreat day seven
Posted by: lucie
(posted July 1, 2006)
One week already! It's passing so quickly. Life is so good here - everything is so peaceful it just allows you to see what kind of person you're capable of being. I feel really happy, light and joyful. Every morning when I wake up I take a deep breath and begin the day with a smile. It's a very good way to start the day.
The more people share their thoughts and pain, the less abnormally neurotic I feel. Yesterday in our discussion group everyone said a few words about how their retreat was going. Some cried, some said they felt lonely. I realized I rarely feel lonely anymore. I guess I'm happy enough to keep myself to myself and let it all unfold naturally. Or at least that's how it's gone here. I knew I had Kelly to speak with once a day or so and was happy to keep silence for the rest of the time. Of course it's evolved otherwise - I speak to one of my roommates quite a bit, and a couple other girls, and feel I should perhaps go out of my way to speak more with other members of the group who have expressed their loneliness.
The things that worried me before I came feel small now, for the most part. Moving, math, that whole MBA thing, turning 30. Generally not big deals. Three things need a bit of sorting out, still: James, family, and how best to make my contribution to the world in terms of career and life's work. Though none of those things are going to be resolved while I'm here, and I guess the trick is just to be okay with that.
One guy asked Thay a very cute question yesterday about thinking. He was obviously a very intellectual type. He said Dear Thay, your practice relies on insight, the mechanism for which is thinking. So I would like to know: how do you structure your thinking? When do you think? What do you think about?
The first part of the reply was, "Your question is very well structured. But I don't structure my thinking." He went on to say that he preferred to do things - answering questions, for example - with his whole being. Then he said that people think too much, and that it can get us into trouble. There don't seem to be any arguments from anybody on that count.
The other day in our discussion, one of the sisters shared about her day. "Dear sisters, dear friends, today I had a wonderful day. This morning I prepared myself for sitting meditation, and then I heard that we were practicing walking meditation to Upper Hamlet instead. Usually we have only 45 minutes to go there, but today I had 90 minutes to enjoy my walk. On the way I passed groups of people who walked in silence, and this silence was so powerful. Thay gave such a beautiful Dharma talk, so rich with wisdom. I sat outside where it was very cold, but I just followed my breath until the sun came out. Because I was outside I could hear the singing of the birds, and it was very beautiful."
Her joy to be alive was so clear.
Later, in response to people talking about their internal dialogues and noisy minds, she shared that in her daily live she had a lot of thoughts too. "Sometimes they are wholesome thoughts, but sometimes not so wholesome," she said. So she tries to have something else available to think about. She compared it to having a bad CD playing. Switching the CD. So she works and practices to make sure she has another CD available.
Yesterday I brought the Plum Village chanting and recitation book. It has lots of the gathas you see posted around Plum Village, loads of sutras, the chants and prayers the monastics always sing before Thay's Dharma talks, ceremonies and the mindfulness trainings and lots of other stuff. I think I can see myself incorporating some chanting or singing into my practice when I get home. Just a little in the morning or evening, when I do my meditation. I never would have thought I'd be saying that, but there you go.
I'm sitting in the Assembly of Stars Hall waiting to hear another beautiful Dharma talk. I tend to leave these feeling kind of high. It's pretty amazing to be here.
--
Tomorrow evening is the five mindfulness trainings transmission ceremony, and I'll be taking them. But it doesn't make me nervous. These are the same aspirations I've had since before I went to Lotus and before I ever heard of Thay. Just being better, kinder, more careful with my speech, consumption and so forth. Actually there are more aspects than that to the trainings, so many challenges lie ahead, but I have a lot of faith that this is really the way to happiness. For me. It's funny - I didn't understand the people at Lotus who became to enraptured; really couldn't see any reason for it. But I guess there are different ways for different people. If they felt as much joy as I feel about Thay's teachings, I can understand it and am deeply happy for them. It's a beautiful thing.
Thay's Dharma talk today was amazing (again). He hit on all the main points of life, of course, but my favorite parts were the ones where he said everything was already right here. I love anyone who says that, but I particularly love hearing him say it. Happiness, you already have it. Buddha mind, already there. You only need to open your eyes to see the paradise of beautiful forms and colors around you. Everything is already there; just get out of your own way.
He also gave beautiful explanations of emptiness and impermanence, and related them in a very skillful way. When you look from the angle of time, you see impermanence, he said. When you look from the angle of form, you see emptiness. It was a real gem that I hadn't yet read in any of his books, and a joy to hear and reflect on all day.
Late in the morning we had walking meditation and stopped for a while to sit in the shade of the forest and soak it in. A monk and a lay friend sat in front of me and started playing a little game with sticks and dry leaves. The monk stuck a branch in the ground like a tree. The friend nodded appreciatively, then took a dry leaf and attached it to the branch, snagging it on the remains of a snapped off twig. The monk nodded, smiled, a picked up another leaf, hanging it skillfully on the twig. They took turns this way, then built another "tree," stopping with each addition to nod approvingly at the little world they had created. Like children constructing their own little world.
Late in the afternoon we had "deep relaxation" with Sister Chan Khong. What a treat! Eight hundred of us piled into the meditation hall, relaxed, laid down and listened to the sweetest, most loving 70-something year old nun in the world sing songs to us in English, French and Vietnamese. We lay there like babies and she just mothered us for 90 minutes. She led a guided meditation where we reflected on and thanked parts of our bodies. "Breathing in, I am aware of my legs. Breathing out, I send my love to my legs. Oh my legs, you carry me around the earth, you help me to walk and run and play sports, yet I never remember to thank you! Thank you, my wonderful legs." We did this with our arms, heart, liver, kidneys, intestines and so on. It was so precious. Then she sang to us for an hours. Honestly - lullabies. Words cannot express how much love this woman had - enough compassion for a gym-sized meditation hall full of grown babies. She was amazing.
Summer retreat day six
Posted by: lucie
(posted June 30, 2006)
Goodbye Lazy Day, hello sleeping through 5.30 working meditation! Oops. I should have been cleaning a little bit earlier, but I was snoozing away. One of my roommates wakes up extra early each morning, so I always make a concerted effort to ignore the first sounds I hear. Unfortunately this morning I blocked all the rest of them out as well and woke up 15 minutes after work meditation starts.
Well, anyway, apologies later.
I feel so incredibly lucky to be here, to hear Thay's teachings. Was speaking to one of my roommates earlier today about how few people there are on the earth like him. Thay, The Dalai Lama... who else? Lama Zopa was pretty cool, and his words penetrating, but nothing so simple and wonderful as this.
At the end of the retreat we can buy all the recordings, either on CD or DVD. This makes me incredibly happy. For now I can just sit here and let the teachings wash over me, not even worrying about taking notes. It might be a bit expensive to buy all of them, but honestly, they're priceless.
Perhaps I will even have another opportunity to do a retreat with Thay in the UK. I love this tradition and this joyful practice. It's hard for me to imagine anyone encountering it and not loving it with their whole heart. I love that I can take it home with me and continue to practice just this way.
There are litte verses posted all over the place - reminders of how to contemplate and look deeply into different activities. A few examples:
Brushing your teeth:
Brushing my teeth and rinsing my mouth
I vow to speak purely and lovingly
When my mouth is fragrant with right speech
A flower blooms in the garden of my heart
Turning on the water:
Water comes from high mountain sources
Water runs deep in the earth
Miraculously, water comes to us and sustains all life
My gratitude is filled to the brim
Looking in the mirror:
Awareness is a mirror
Reflecting the four elements
Beauty is a heart that generates love
And a mind that is open
How great a reminder is that? Thay is extraordinarily beautiful, despite his ears sticking out in this adorably goofy way. He simply radiates peace and love, and what could be more beautiful than that?
This is what I was looking for when I went to Lotus. It's all the deep beauty of Buddhism, no strange accretions.
Last night I was contemplating the wisdom in Thay's books and thinking about how they are really sutras for our time. It's like reading the teachings of the Buddha in modern language. Thay is a Buddha. I feel so lucky to have the opportunity to hear teachings from him, take the mindfulness trainings here, adn just to be here. So lucky to have encountered Thay's writings and teachings.
--
This morning we had a Q&A session instead of a Dharma talk. They set up two chairs at the front of the meditation hall and Thay sat in one. "The other chair is for you," he said, looking out at the Sangha. "If you have a question, come sit near Thay."
People asked about how to deal with the pain and loneliness of being without a partner, how to know whether they should quit their jobs, what to do about the realization that they were only going to college to please their father and so on. He answered each question very thoughtfully, deeply, gently. I loved every minute of it. Twice he asked monastics to get up and sing songs.
One woman asked, "Dear Thay, you are one of the most emancipated men in the world. I would like to know, will it be a woman who carries on your work?"
It was a bit of an odd question as there seemed to be an agenda to it, but he considered it for a few long moments, then looked up, grinned and said "You are the one!" Works on a few levels.
Kelly and I met up again for a chat after breakfast and we were both glowing. Just radiant and happy because... well, this is it. Thay's teachings and practice - it's the way. It's the real thing. He's a Buddha. The practice is the path to real happiness. We both feel it deeply.
We got into talking about seeing reflections of ourselves in others, which naturally brought me around to family stuff - first time I've actually talked about it here. Just admitting it's there and needs to be dealt with, I guess. And then it was time for walking meditation through the orchard. Halfway through, Thay sat down beneath one of the plum trees. I didn't see him at first as I was getting myself organized on a patch of earth, but then I turned around, looked up the hill and saw him there. "Oh my God, he's sitting under the Bodhi tree," I immediately thought. I think I may actually have whispered "oh my God" out loud. It was a powerful sight.
Pretty much walking on air today.
Summer retreat day five
Posted by: lucie
(Posted June 29, 2006)
It's so easy to meditate here. Just so easy to follow your breath, concentrate, focus. The energy of the place is incredibly peaceful. Life is easy here. I'd love to stay until the beginning of school, just spend the next few months breathing!
So, some things are coming up. Like my tendency to judge. Lately I seem to have a judgment for every action or statement every last person makes. Largely these have to do with either being pious or, uh, just sad. Examples: today I overheard someone telling one of the sisters that his six year old granddaughter had drawn a picture of him, and in the picture she had drawn a halo. "She was manifesting her Buddha nature," he said, and instantly a voice in my head snidely retorted that it was interesting that making him into, or seeing him as some kind of saint meant that she was manifesting Buddha nature. Like, seeing him as holy made her wise?
At times it does seem like there's some posturing going on. People eating soooo slowly, or stopping reverently to smell flowers in a way that just doesn't appear genuine. I can't help but judge all these things in my head.
The other major thing is people talking about their childhoods and families. I swear, the number of 50+ year old women I've heard getting all soppy over their rough childhoods, dissolving into tears because their families were abusive. I can't help but think my god, how many decades has it been? Isn't all this talk about childhood stuff and low self-esteem and such kind of indulgent? What does it have to do with Bodhichitta? Why do I feel like I'm at group therapy half the time?
Of course I recognize that I have my own family stuff to deal with, and obviously that's part of what's going on here. So I'll have to try and have a look at those issues while I'm here. I mean, clearly it has to be done. I've bought Thay's book on Anger and it is, of course, very wise. When I think about the recent drama with my mother I still feel disgust and disrespect and can't yet imagine taking this loving approach to her (I swear if I gave her this "I care about you, I don't want to make you suffer anymore, how can I help to make this relationship better" line, she'd just run with it forever, and I don't have enough to give her), but I guess that's something I need to work on.
I can imagine taking the advice with, say, James, odd as that may sound since we're not actually in a relationship. But we're kind of in a pretend one, and I can certainly practice gathering my energy and emotions, cooling my head and remembering I'm not the only one with feelings and he has his own suffering and confusion. It's only my pride and fear that make me want to come to some conclusion about the whole thing, give him an ultimatum or call the whole game off. It won't make me feel any better if I do - I just need to cool it off in my own head. Over and over I learn so much from my interaction with him, or with my idea of him, or whatever is going on here. It's almost all my own thing. Heaven knows how he sees it.
So anyway, moving on from my own psychology. One of the things Thay writes about in this anger book is eating nourishing food, and not eating too much. He says most of us could probably do with about half of what we eat in a day and that we can learn to eat less. If we eat more mindfully we will eat less, avoid becoming agitated by excess energy and can also afford to buy organically produced foods, which helps both us and the world. I'm going to work on it while I'm here.
Also picked up an interesting book with contributions from lots of the western Buddhist all-stars called Mindfulness in the Marketplace. Lots of essays on ethical consumption, business and so forth. Consuming mindfully, and in moderation. These are things I've been thinking about a lot recently, so it will be nice to read some teachers' perspectives on such issues.
Today is Lazy Day, and it's very peaceful. No one is being too loud, everyone is going about their day in mindfulness. I got up, took a shower, sat for 20min or so in the meditation hall, ate breakfast, read my new book, sat for another 30min and have now chilled with my journal for a while. I think I may go sit again. May as well use the time while I can.
--
Ah, lunch, more sitting, more reading, a little bit of work meditation and back to the journal. It's nice to have this time to watch my thoughts. Still finding myself feeling rather bitchy toward people on occasion, though I don't think I act it or am perceived that way. I mean, I smile a lot and think I'm nice enough. Though when work meditation kicks off I probably fail to hide the mental notes I make about who's lazy and who's bossy. And I could keep more of my suggestions to myself. There are enough "managers" in the group as it is. I work, probably more than most, then think as much to myself, then try to stop myself from thinking it because it doesn't really matter. I guess this is practice.
Realized today while I was sitting (for the third time) that I really will be able to leave Plum Village with a meaningful practice. That's one thing I was really hoping to get out of Lotus. I guess Lotus planted the seed of meditation in me, in a way, but the Tibetan practices just seemed like distant rituals. A friend of mine here described this practice perfectly when she said it was just like a handle; all you have to do is reach out and grab it. Practice. I mean, I already had my views on what was what in this world, how we should live, and proper perspective, but it's hard to keep that perspective. I wanted some structure; some reminders. Thay's practice has all of that. I mean, that's all it actually is. There are no stupas, no hierarchy, no guilt, no chanting in languages you don't speak (though the monastics do all seem to speak at least English, French and Vietnamese, so there's quite a lot of rotation) - just mindfulness, compassion and joy. It's very beautiful, very essential.
Everything fits so beautifully. Thursday I will take refuge and the five mindfulness trainings (precepts). In one way it feels a bit early, given I've only seriously studied Buddhism for 6 months, but I've been thinking about it for the past several weeks, and it feels more like a commitment than an initiation. And the five mindfulness trainings, well, those are all behaviors I aspire to anyway. Taking the vow against intoxicants in front of the Sangha will really support my commitment to quitting drinking. It's still a bit difficult to imagine never drinking ever again, but I know it's really necessary. I really do need to stop in order to live more consciously and progress.
The other trainings are no cakewalk either. Ethical consumption falls in there, as well as sexual conduct (no sex without "love and a long term commitment"! I may modify that one in my mind to just the first part. Luckily Thay is fine with people screwing up and learning from their mistakes. That's how you learn that the mindfulness trainings are there to protect you, he says. So I might need to make some mistakes on that one in order to get it through my head). And, of course, deep listening and loving speech. I pretty much suck at those.
Yeah, I've got my work cut out for me.
--
God, it's amazing how quickly things can change. Evening meditation - awful. Sometimes you get one person in the meditation hall breathing like Darth Vader and it's terribly distracting. I couldn't focus at all, despite being aware that I shouldn't allow myself to be distracted, that the problem was in my own mind and all the rest. Oh well.
Had a great chat today with a girl I met about negative thoughts, judgments, irritation and so forth. She said she spent the first two days being irritated with one person she hadn't even spoken to, completely fixated. She also said everyone she's spoken to has been dealing with suffering, sadness and anger, so I guess I'm not the only one having bitchy thoughts! In fact, according to another girl I talked to today who's been on loads of retreats, it's all too common. "You can be sure there's a lot of judgment goign around," she said. Well, if not, I seem to have a bit to spare.
Ah well. You can't always be clear-minded, I guess. With a good night's sleep, there's a fresh chance tomorrow. And more of Thay's teachings in the morning.
Summer retreat day four
Posted by: lucie
(posted June 29, 2006)
It is really such a joy to hear Thay's teachings. Just so beautiful, simple and completely true, all right there for the taking. I managed to stay awake today and was amply rewarded, though I seem now to remember very little of what he said. I know it sunk in, but recollection would be nice as well. Rumor has it we'll be able to buy recordings of all the teachings at the end of the retreat. I certainly hope it's true; I'd definitely like to hear all of this again, and share it with others.
Woke up feeling very refreshed this morning, and I'm continuing to feel pretty relaxed, though the crowds are getting on my nerves a bit - mostly by talking during silent times. Of course, then I remember how awful Brian and I were at Lotus and realize I have no right to be annoyed.
Tomorrow is Lazy Day, which means we have no activities scheduled. The idea is just to spend the entire day in mindfulness. How we choose to do so is open to interpretation.
Summer retreat day three
Posted by: lucie
(posted June 29, 2006)
Wow. Dinnertime already and I haven't written a word yet. The days seem to include a lot of free time, but little remains for writing. After the morning Dharma talk I generally hang out and chat with Kelly, before lunch I lay on the grass half-asleep, and after lunch I take a nap. That's what happens when you get up at 5am or earlier.
This may or may not have to continue, but for two days straight now I've been nodding off terribly during Thay's Dharma talks. Yesterday's felt pretty introductory, but today it got deeper and I was in and out of consciousness. I could tell it was beautiful and hated to miss a word, but my eyes just wouldn't stay open. It's happening to a lot of people. You can even hear snoring in the meditation hall. I keep meaning to buy some food at the shop as well, to get a few calories in the tank - we wake up at 5 but don't eat until 9, and the combination of tired and hungry does one few favors.
Otherwise, moving along nicely. I spent my time in walking meditation today after thinking some things over (you're not supposed to think, but my habits won't change overnight) and putting the James era behind me in my mind. I'm certainly open to possibilities if there turn out to be some, but for now, screw this emotional unavailability nonsense.
I have a weird dark spot on my leg and have got it into my head that it's some kind of tick or something. It looks like a big freckle, but it's way too dark. So I'm wondering: bust out the Swiss army knife? If it's actually just a freckle I hadn't noticed before, that would pretty much qualify as psycho.
So anyway, it's very therapeutic here. Large parts summer camp, hippie commune and group therapy in addition to the Dharma. We sing lots of songs, simple campfire-style tunes. People talk about their feelings a lot. I'm hesitant to join in, or just not so inclined at the moment, I guess, but it's a relief to hear people talk about their own neurotic minds. Makes me think mm, I'm not actually doing so badly with this head of mine. I get by. I'm getting better.
Tonight will be our first full hour of silent meditation. I've been finding the cushions a bit hard, shifting and squirming around a lot more than I would ever do at home, so I'm really hoping to be able to sit peacefully and have a productive session.
Thay told one of his favorite stories today (from what I hear), about a man who goes running up to the Buddha and his disciples in the forest, out of breath and asking if they have seen his two cows, which seem to have run away. No one has seen them, so the man moves along and continues his frantic search. The Buddha turns to his disciples and tells them they're very lucky not to have cows or other attachments to worry about. We all have cows, Thay said. You may like to take out a paper and pen and call them by their true names. So here we go:
- the general need/desire to obsess on something at all times
- alcohol
- James
- family issues/anger/etc
It's not too bad. I've left a lot behind.
--
Wow, meditation was fantastic. The Plum Village approach is so enjoyable and relaxed. I am actually truly just enjoying my breath. It's beautiful, and the guided meditation is genuinely nourishing. I nearly wanted to stay in the hall and sit a bit longer, but of course its' nearly bedtime now, and I want to crash ASAP so as not to keep nodding off during teachings. Every sentence from Thay's mouth is such a pearl of wisdom that every moment spent in anything less than complete concentration is a terrible waste. So with that I shall turn in and float peacefully off to sleep.
Summer retreat day two
Posted by: lucie
(posted June 27, 2006)
Kelly and Evan are both here! It's so nice to see familiar faces. The three of us caught up today and marvelled at the vast difference between this place and Lotus; it's really night and day. All three of us are enjoying the silence, which is remarkably easy to keep. 800 people here and no one utters a peep. There's no pressure; people just respect the practice and the Sangha here because they are genuine and sincere.
Thay gave his first Dharma talk today. And he sat next to me for a while before he did it! I was sitting in the front row of the meditation hall, next to the big bell. Before he gives talks he sits in front of the bell and leads the monastics in chanting for a while. So I found myself on a meditation cushion next to Thich Nhat Hanh today. Seriously. As he was preparing to sit, I looked up at him, looked him in the eye and grinned. It's impossible not to - he's just such a beautiful presence. He looked down and very kindly smiled back. An hour or two later after the teachings finished I realized that this was probably less than appropriate; you're supposed to bow your head and avert your eyes from your teacher, generally, in respect. I meant no disrespect, of course, but it was a bit naive. Luckily he's a buddha and can see through my actions to the motivations behind them, so no worries there.
The talk was an introduction to the sutra on mindful breathing, which is one focal point of our retreat. But Thay also revealed that he had been approached by some Hollywood producers about buying the film rights to Old Path White Clouds. Someone is dropping $120 million to make a movie about the life of the Buddha. Pretty amazing. Thay said he wouldn't take a penny for the rights to the book, but you do get the sense he'll have quite a firm hand in preserving the integrity of the story in the script. He's already stipulated that the actors must come to Plum Village to practice for a while before filming. "That way they won't have to pretend to sit, pretend to feel peaceful," he said.
It's been a long day; we got started at 5am, if not earlier. One of my roomies was keen to get into the shower before the crowds came, it seemed, so her alarm kicked off at oh-dark-hundred in the black of morning. I was nodding off during the Dharma talk, on the bus back from the other hamlet and through lunch. Managed to sneak in a nap between lunch and working meditation (cleaning toilets, cutting vegetables, sweeping the meditation hall, that kind of stuff).
The discussion group is interesting; people are supposed to share things about their practice or their feelings and refrain from getting into theory. Again, entirely the opposite of Lotus. We all introduced ourselves today and people in the group are already crying. It's pretty intense. Actually, Plum Village seems a lot more like therapy than Dharma practice at times. It's almost excrutiatingly soft and warm and fuzzy. I get the occasional twang of too-cool-for-this - especially when we're singing these very simple campfire-lke songs - but it's probably just best to roll with it.
Kelly and I were catching up today and I filled her in on the James story, which got it back into my head. I hope he'll fade out of there soon. I go between resenting him ("He's just been getting an ego boost out of knowing I like him") to regretting my email ("Maybe it was a bit harsh to throw that out there and then take off") to holding onto the idea that he actually wants to see the whole thing go somewhere at some point, or why would he write the types of emails he writes, and so often, to hey, you know, if this were ever going to go anywhere, he'd have bought himself a plane ticket by now. I mean, really. And anyway, not emailing before I left was just crap. In the end, though, I always come back to not knowing anything about what's going on in his head. I think I may have a feel for it, that it's quite a mix and whatever it is, it probably won't ultimately be enough... but only time - or James himself - can tell that.
Here's hoping I'll be past it by the time I get home. I mean, you can only run circles around someone in your head for just so long, and it really has been occupying my mind to an unhealthy degree. I should have put a stop to the affectionate stuff the moment he gave me the renunciation/"romance isn't something I think about for myself any time soon" line. I don't know him well enough to be this patient. I don't know him at all. This whole thing almost begins and ends in my mind. How did I let it get so out of hand? I meant to put the whole thing out of my head, but I'd sure love to get to the bottom of that question. Yes, I do have genuine feelings for him, yes, he made a deep impression, but... I really hardly know him. Yet oddly, I still almost feel like I could talk to him about this. Like, "I'm not sure how much of you I've made up or quite why I've done it." Good heavens.
It's such a good thing that they keep us separated from the boys here. I love them for it.
It's nearly ten already and the day has flown by. Tomorrow morning we'll walk to another hamlet for the Dharma talk - no morning meditation, but the exercise will be nice. And more of Thay. Better crash so I'm not fighting sleep during his Dharma talk this time.
Summer retreat day one
Posted by: lucie
(posted June 26, 2006)
So another Dharma adventure begins. I'm sitting in the new airport terminal, apparently the only one who feels it necessary to arrive as much as 90 minutes prior to an international flight. Checking in and making my way through passport control took all of five minutes. There isn't a sign of life to be seen anywhere near my gate.
A few definite differences between this time and last. The size of my luggage, for example. It's brilliant to be able to pack light rather than carry as much as possible with the intention of transferring as much as I can from one home city to the next without shipping costs. Some Dharma books, a little bit of non-Dharma reading for the plane and after the retreat, seriously minimal toiletries with not a drop of makeup or jewelry in sight and one pillow, thank you very much.
Big disappointment from James before taking off. I sent him my last rambling email on Monday, long and affectionate, but among other things mentioned that I was feeling a bit uneasy about how attached I had become to him, without really knowing for sure whether my idea of him corresponded to reality, given most of our relationship has been built on email. It sounds heavier than it was in context, but I threw it out there for the sake of honesty, I suppose, then bid him a fond farewell as I was to be in France for a month, and "take care and I don't mind if you even miss me a bit!"
His response? Nothing. Not even "have a good retreat!" Pretty disappointing. Found Pete online and asked whether, in my shoes, he'd proceed to leave this whole thing far behind. "Yes," he replied. "Bon voyage, Charlie Brown." Not even writing to say bye, talk to you in a month, is just not nice. Silence like this seems to speak volumes. Perhaps it would be good for me to pay attention and get over the whole thing. Maybe that boy is something of a blank canvas and I've painted all over him, made much of it up in my own head. It was fun for a while, but the amusement really ends when you start getting moody over lack of contact.
So it's time to lighten way up on the James fantasy. There are 3 billion boys in the world. And anyway, I have bigger things to do right now.
There is so much uncertainty in my life right now, and so much possibility; I could live anywhere, date anyone, choose any career, start any business, become anyone I want. At the same time, there's so little to hold onto, so little to count on. Nothing comfortable or predictable; no one, no place, that feels like home. When these thoughts occur to me, I tend to think "Yes, and that's as it's always been - Nothing has every been certain, so nothing has changed. I just have fewer illusions right now."
What I'd like to do with these few weeks is learn to acknowledge the uncertainty instead of just ignoring it, take a deep breath and accept it without fear or any steely display of non-fear. Just let it be.
Of course, living without fear is no small skill to be picked up in three weeks. I know that. It's also not exactly new to me. I face fear regularly by picking myself up, moving, jumping off 300meter bridges, admitting my feelings, getting naked in the name of art. Those have been good adventures. But it's time to sand down the finer edges and learn to dwell a bit more in that scary-but-beautiful feeling of letting go and floating through the universe unrestrained, free and unsupported. That is the feeling of being alive. that's living awake, aware, eyes open. I want to live that way. It's going to take focused, sustained effort to learn just how to do it.
--
In Munich. Just had an amusing interaction with the passport control boy. "What do you plan to do in France?" he asked, after a look at my plane ticket. "I'm going to a Buddhist monastery," I told him, smiling a bit in anticipation of the reaction. "Buddhist mastery. Very interesting," he said, flipping through to find a clean page to stamp. Pause. "Is it... a competition?" No, a monastery, I told him. "I'm sorry, what is it?" he asked, a bit confused. I said it was a place where monks lived and he grinned, passed my documents back and told me to have a nice time.
Just being on my way I feel incredibly, incredibly relaxed. Though I'll admit to keeping my eyes open for an Internet kiosk and slightly grasping at the remote possibility that James might have emailed before he went to bed, which would possibly have been after I left this morning... which is a dumb thought. James. Who is James, anyway? Even the name looks funny when I write it. I've been emailing an idea for the past several months, and letting it take up far too much of my energy. It's certainly not his fault, and I do hope to stay in touch with him and see him again someday, but really - the frequency of contact has been a bit excessive. It would be okay if the whole thing were actually going somewhere, but after all the talk of visiting and no plane tickets...
So anyway. Kelly will be at the retreat and I can't wait to catch up with her. She's been all over the world since the Lotus retreat and this will be her last stop before returning to the States. And Evan said ages ago that he was coming, but I haven't heard from him in months, so not sure whether he'll be here. I'd be surprised if there weren't a couple more Lotus kids there as well, albeit probably not anyone I'd remember.
It's not even 9am and I'm struggling to stay awake. Bedtime this evening will be a blessing. Evening meditation will be a struggle against the desire to fall asleep.
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I'm here! I'm here and this place is everything I think I dreamed Lotus would be. Already it feels so gentle and joyful, almost magical. When I went into the office to confirm my registration, one of the nuns was telling a man that when he finished the retreat, he would be changed. Everything would look and sound and feel more beautiful, and his heart would be opened. She looked so purely, truly happy. The hamlet I'm staying in is almost exclusively women. The average age here is much higher than at Lotus. Everyone seems remarkably chill, speaking in hushed tones and greeting each other incredibly warmly. It's beautiful.
I'm inclined to keep myself to myself as much as possible on this retreat in order to avoid the patterns of the last one - too much energy expended on extroversion. It should be easier as there's a lot more going on here, language-wise. More people speaking French than English right now, for example. Tonight at 8pm we'll have an orientation talk.
You quickly get the impression that the focus here is not on discipline, but simply being. The rules will come, no doubt. But one woman has already told me that she's never seen anyone be chastised or berated here. Of course that's as it should be, but what seems obvious isn't necessarily so at other places.
Met a few people in the parking lot of the train station, where we were asked to get the hell off the overcrowded train and wait for a bus to come get us. It's obviously not every day that Plum Village has hundreds of people arriving for a retreat, so the train was at triple its capacity. Chaos ensued. All the placid, mindful Buddhists rather stubbornly stuck to the train until the bitter end. Well, the sunshine in the parking lot turned out to be a dramatic improvement on the stuffy train, and some of us made jokes about how either the universe or the French Transport Service woudl eventually provide. A bus showed up in its time and we were off. The guy who sat next to me let me in on his psychological profile, extended mid-life crisis and deepest spiritual phrases. He was sweet.
An unwell bee buzzed up and down the windowpane at my side for most of the bus trip, commanding more of my attention than he perhaps deserved until I resolved to let go of the bee fear/focus and succeeded about halfway.
From the final bus stop we got to Plum Village by nun-driven vans. It's very laid back here. The rooms are clean, the beds look cozy, the sun is shining like it means serious business, the nuns are all smiling and looking peaceful, the grass is green and I'm thinking I could do a lot of this retreat in silence and relative solitude, reading, writing, sitting, reflecting.
Oh, the bell just rang and everyone stopped and took 3 deep breaths, just like Thay writes in his books. It's real! I'm here! At Plum Village with Thich Nhat Hanh! Mindboggling.
