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Most likely to eat you when you're dead
by fiona
A few weeks ago a few of the pathology residents and I were chatting in the residents room, and the conversation turned, as it usually does, to the topic of pets that eat you when you die. One of the residents is particularly interested in forensics, and has done a lot of work at the medical examiner's office, and this is what she has to say on the subject:
What is the dog that is most likely to eat you when you die?
The dachshund.
The weiner dog.
Yes, that tiny, elongated, vaguely comical dog will eat out your eyes if you die. "They are burrowing dogs," Tracy the future medical examiner said, "Don't ever die naked around a dachshund." They will eat into your soft bits and dig themselves into your body. Medical fact. She has seen it.
A golden retriever, on the other hand- those guys are often found starved to death, lying next to their fallen companions. Such noble, loyal friends. Not the shifty-eyed little weiner dog. They are found plump and healthy at the scene of the crime, blood dripping from their viscious little mouths.
But then again, if you were a dog and your owner died and your were trapped inside a cold apartment - wouldn't you?
Comments
This is my bottom line: I don't want some pansy ass dog at my side. I want a survivor. If my dog died and I was trapped in a cold apartment, I'd eat it. I'd eat a baby too. I guess that's easier said than done, but I thought I'd put it out there.
Posted by: Starr at January 22, 2005 11:48 AM
I'd eat a human. No question. I'd eat a dog. I'd eat a baby. If its their dignity (if such a thing can be found in death) versus my survival, i'd vote for me not starving to death any time.
Now, if I was stuck on an island, or a raft, or down a mine shaft with a my best friend (or my mom, or my honey), and we knew that we would both die of starvation unless one of us was sacrificed for meat... now that's a tough spot to be in.
Posted by: fiona at February 1, 2005 12:59 PM
Scarily, one of the regulars at our favourite coffee house, is a half-demented, eccentric lady, who has at least four dachshunds.I have an awful premonitory feeling since I read your blog... She loves them so much, though, I bet she'd be happy if they survived by tucking into their departed Mamma. I just feel for the poor soul who has to deal with the aftermath...
Posted by: fifi at February 15, 2005 4:58 AM
What if I die face down? What's she gonna burrow into then?
Posted by: thetango at February 16, 2005 8:57 AM
Well if you are naked... what do you think?
Posted by: fiona at February 16, 2005 4:12 PM
I have a dachshund--oh, yes--and I have to say that he's got strong teeth for such a little guy, but he hasn't shown any burrowing instincts yet. He actually seems a little claustrophobic, thank god. Just to be safe, maybe I should start weaning him onto a vegetarian diet.
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Posted by: nelly at April 4, 2005 10:28 PM
I have dachshunds. Always have.
I'll consider myself lucky if they wait until I'm dead, frankly...
Posted by: Scipio at January 29, 2006 10:29 AM
uhh ya...i also have a dachshund and sometimes when i am sleeping i can tell that he is checking my breathing to make sure if i am dead or not. then when i jerk he acts all innocent like he wasn't up to anything....but i know better!
Posted by: alberta at March 28, 2006 9:56 PM
Its all too sick for me.
Posted by: Gabe Hall at June 13, 2006 9:55 PM
Not all dachshund's are the same just like not all whites or blacks are the same. I have owned weiner dawgs all my life and they are the most loyal animal around even more so than people. Its sad you put information out there to the public that is not true and making these dogs out to be what they are not. Shame on you Dumbass
Posted by: Rod at August 26, 2007 12:46 PM
god, i love a golden retriever. I picture Dr. Franklin Hughes as a golden retriever. Loyal, loving, smart, gifted creatures. p.s. this entry is really disgusting. AWESOME!
Posted by: ritchey at December 30, 2004 3:30 PM