BABIES!!
I delivered twins last night.
Or everyone says I delivered them. I am more of the opinion that I mostly just got in the way. Nonetheless, I was there, seated on a stool between trembling legs as heads were coming out of small openings and fluids were exploding towards me. I held the first twin as it took its first startled breath, shocked to be exposed to the harsh lights and threatening openness of the world. I tried to hand said baby off quickly to the nurse and get up off the stool as the attending obstetrician chided, "out of the way - out of the way." Ummm, got a tiny baby here, ok? Sheesh. I clamped a cord. I delivered the placenta. I cut the sutures that pieced together the tears. Oh, the cruel injustice of mother nature. Oh, the cursed fate of the daughters of Eve. Stupid old apple.
Babies come out fast once they come. As the first one's head was well on its way, the attending told me to grab the cord clamp. I turned my back to search, only to miss the baby shoot out of her mother. Like a little slippery rocket, literally bursting forth into the world. Its why they call it "catching." Never turn your back on the mom, said my resident. Never.
I am currently on night call on Labor and Delivery. A week of nights. It is the oddest schedule, this 5pm til 8 am work-day, and my body has not quite adjusted to it. I constantly feel like I just woke up from a long, hard afternoon nap, the kind that saps you of all energy and leaves you with a dull foggy headache. And this schedule becomes all-consuming. I don't have time during the day to really do anything but try to sleep a hot sunny sleep and then get back to the hospital. But I see cool things. I see sad things, like pregnant, meth-using, pack-a-day smoking women with AIDS. I learn about delivering babies. I see a lot of fluids. I put my fingers inside a lot of lady parts. (I sometimes have silent, inappropriate inside jokes with myself about using some of the many nicknames for the lady parts in front of patients. Like "I'm going to put my fingers inside your hoo-ha to check the dilation of your cervix." I will never say this.)
Down there. That's funny too. I think I might be delirious.
You know you're in medical school when on a lovely spring saturday afternoon you think to yourself that you can't believe you have already been at the hospital for 6 hours. And then you think, only 18 more hours to go.
Someone remind me of what that commercial was: it aired during the superbowl a couple years ago, and consisted of people aggressively rampaging through an office, repeating weird phrases and being destructive. And this woman kept saying "BABIES!!" with a frantic wide-eyed glare. Was this a commercial for Skittles? Someone help.
BABIES!!
oh yeah! that commerical with the guy who was like, "you're hot, let's get married," and she goes, "okay but I want LOTS OF BABIES," and he's like, "ok," and then they keep picking up more people as they rampage through the office, and the babies lady keeps grabbing papers and staplers and stuffing them up under her shirt. What the fuck was that a commercial for? That was the best commercial I ever saw. And oh yeah: YOU DELIVERED TWINS.
It was for Nutri Grain cereal bars!! I LOVE THAT COMMERCIAL! It's called "I Feel Great", and you can find it on the dudernet. Then you can download it and watch it and watch it and watch it and laugh and roll and cry.
Oh my god, you delivered twins. Wow. This is one of the best blog entries in the history of blogging. Congratulations!!
Hey,
Just to say it's great to read stuff from medical students half way round the world. I'm studying at Nottingham in the UK, it's about 11:45 here - revising for an AAA repair tomorrow morning that I'm assisting on. Haven't read all your blogs (cos I'm meant to be studying!) but I was just wondering how old you guys are when you become medical students? Is it true that you start much later than we do here (18, straight out of school). I'm 21 now, and will be a doctor just before I'm 23, in 2008. Just interested. Anyway, keep up the interesting blogs - can't wait for my obs and gynae attachment. We started our clinical attachments about 6 months ago and I'm loving it so far.
Don't know if you'll bother to reply or not - but hey, it's cool to network with people all over the world. I guess that's part of the reason you started the blog.
Ian
PS: just looking through your blog a few weeks ago you sounded confused about the OSCE exam. Over here its called the Objective Structured Clinical Exam. Kind of a stupid name, but at least it fits the acronym. Silly Americans :)
Ian
Fiona, I think that you will be a famous writer someday (it seems to me that you're already quite famous). That is my prediction. I guess that formulating blog entries on a regular basis for several years must hone one's writing skills, and of course you had those when you started medical school (it can't have hurt to have written a thesis is Spanish), so they've only gotten better. I love the way that you describe the appendix. Does anyone else know how to describe the appendix that way? We have talent here, genuine talent, and not just for surgery and other medical tasks. No pressure intended, though. You are spectacular just the way you are.
Jill, I love that your definition of genuine writing talent is someone who uses the word "hoo-ha" in a blog entry. Very sensitive and professional, I tell ya.
And its crazy to me that people in England become doctors when they are 22. Practically children! In the U.S. we have the requirement of a 4-year liberal arts undergraduate degree before starting the 4-year medical school program. And if you are like me and take 2 years off before starting med school, and then do an extra year in pathology "just for fun" then you will end up becoming a doctor at the ripe old age of 29. Which, according to my calculations (aided of course by my trusty calculator watch), is shockingly close to 30.
Best of luck, future Dr. Bullock.
What is wrong with using the word "hoo-ha"? I think it is a very nice choice, and an apt example to accompany your mention of your secret inside jokes.
Three phrases should be among the most common in our daily usage. They are: Thank you, I am grateful and I appreciate.
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