I will devote my life to medicine

With monk-like fervor. With glorious ferocity. With pureness of purpose I will give myself over to the study of healing. Completely. In the cloister framed by the walls of anatomy texts and computerized lab results I will battle back the deep-eyed demons clawing at my soul. I will win. I will learn. I will create warmth out of knowledge. I will win.

This is not a new years resolution.

Even as I write this, I know that I will not do this. I am not the kind of person who is able to do this. I wish that I was. My life would be so much easier if I could honestly just study and study and sacrifice everything to the multi-armed medical school gods. They are vengeful gods, I swear. But alas, I like tv too much.

My life now officially belongs to Medicine, whether I'm ready or not. With a capital "M"- Medicine. As in the Internal Medicine rotation that i started today. Its funny, beginning a new clerkship. If you're like me, you start it by showing up late because you have to ride your scooter across town instead of using the highway (the gods were forgiving - they have been briefly appeased by the studying I did on my vacation - and my lateness went unnoticed and unpunished).

Then, as you enter the resident call room filled with residents who turn and stare at you in your little white coat, you can't decide whether it would be better to address your intern (who has only recently graduated from medical school) by her first name or by "doctor so-and-so." Then you realize that you don't remember her last name. Then you mispronounce her first name.

If you're like me, you have spent the first half of the day hoping against hope that you will not have to work up a patient today. That would be entirely too much. They must see that. Then the first thing your senior resident says is "we have a patient to admit this afternoon." "Great!" You say. "She can be your patient." "Awesome!" you say. And on the way to her room, you still cling to the ridiculous notion that perhaps they will let you observe, just this first time, being as its been so long and all. And then he says "we will observe you while you do the history and physical." And you say, with a nervous laugh, "I warn you, I'm a little rusty." And no one else laughs.

Then you do it and it is rambly and sucky and disorganized. But they are nice and lie to you and tell you that you did a good job. And then later you have to go back and watch the intern ask all the questions you forgot to ask.

And hence it begins. The battle commences. I resolve to try.