September 2005 Archives

Its like I can't even remember how to make a sentence anymore, much less a blog.

My last entry was apparently in june! That's like 3 months ago or something. Life was so much simpler then, devoid of the complexities and insecurities and complete and utter weirdness of being a so-called MS 3. The third year medical student. The.

Here is what I need to impart about the past couple months, in no particular order:
- I am not going to be a pediatrician
- waking up at 4 am everyday is the worst idea ever
- it is suprising how quickly you get used to waking up at 4 am everyday
- the human body is amazing
- the job of the third year medical student on a surgery rotation is to "pre-round" on patients (aka wake up at 4 am and see your patients and then tell other people about them when they show up at a more reasonable hour, aka 6am) and retract during surgery
- one time, in surgery (i love that I can start sentences that way), it was my job to retract the upper abdominal wall by holding these monstrous clamps and pulling straight up on them with all of my might for 45 minutes straight, and i could feel the sweat rolling down my inner arms and then my hands started shaking. Physically shaking. And they looked up and were like "how are you doing, Fiona?" and I was like "pretty good."
- one of my patients started to cry when i said goodbye to her on thursday
- one week I worked a total of 97 hours. And that didn't include the time I spend studying at the hospital "after hours."
- surgery residents all agree that Scrubs is by far the most realistic medical-based tv show
- I am ready to not be tired all the time
- suturing, aka "throwing knots" is fun, even though they didn't let me do it very much
- This morning, my first day of sleeping after my surgery rotation, my alarm went off at 2:50am. BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN I GOT UP YESTERDAY. Was that yesterday? Is that even possible? I have lost all sense of time.
- In spite of everything, I am honestly enjoying myself. I love that I get to do what I get to do everyday. It doesn't seem like it should be allowed.

My recent life has been reduced to a long series of day-to-day challenges - just make it through rounds, just read about this case for tomorrow, just go see the next patient, just go to sleep - small little goals that keep me focused on staying afloat. Self-preservation. Its been really hard to think about things in the context of days or weeks, much less what I will be doing in several months time. But its ok. Its ok. Its working. My little goal for right now is to enjoy my weekend. Maybe take a nap. Maybe do some dishes. I am not even thinking about my next rotation. Monday, when I show up for my Psychiatry orientation, does not even exist.