A little well-regulated holiday spirit

I just got an email from the department of Environmental Health and Safety at OHSU. They are the folks who usually deal with toxic spills, and chemical exposures, and other unfortunate events that might pose a danger to patients, health workers, and medical staff. Apparently one of the things that falls under their jurisdiction is also how to prevent unsafe situations. They are trying to deal with biggest threat to OHSU right now, which is, apparently, the risk that a carelessly placed holiday decoration may burst into flames and burn many people to death.

The email is entitled "Use of Holiday Decorations."

In their words, "This message includes guidelines for the use of decorations in OHSU facilities during the holiday season by individuals or offices." What follows is a bulleted list of guidelines and regulations regarding the purchasing, placement, and composition of holiday decorations. Here are some examples:

-- No university funds are to be used for trees or decorations.

-- Only UL-listed, miniature lights may be used on green trees. Regular 7.5-watt tree lights are not permitted on decorations of any kind in university facilities. Artificial trees with exposed metal surfaces should not have lights on them, but may be illuminated by separate spotlights. Because most fires are electrical, only grounded, heavy duty, 14-gauge or more, UL-approved extension cords shall be used

-- Departments must designate individuals who are responsible for ensuring trees remain in water. Those individuals also must have authority to remove the trees when they become dry and needles begin to drop.

-- Trees must not impede doorways, corridors, stairways or other means of egress.

-- All trees and holiday decorations must be removed from OHSU facilities by 5 p.m., Dec. 27, 2004.

And my personal favorite:

-- No more than 20 percent of a wall surface and 10 percent of a door surface shall be covered with combustible decorations.

Isn't that amazing? I'm not saying that these rules are ridiculous - they make a lot of sense. I'm sure hundreds of people die every year from prevantable christmas decoration-related mishaps. Seriously. But a list like this is inherently funny because someone had to come up with it. Someone, most likely some sort of environmental engineer, had to figure out the exact percentage of door coverage by combustible decorations that crossed the line from Harmless Holiday Fun! to A Deadly Inferno Waiting to Happen. Who is that guy? And why 10%? Is 20% just asking for it? "Folks, you may see a cute rudolph cut-out with moveable legs, but I see a monstrous death trap that is just begging to burn your skin off."

Thank god for that guy.