Matthew Stadler's Personal Weblog

What a week. The past nine days have been somewhat overwhelming. I’ve been thinking about mistakes. One thing I am admittedly terrible at is coming clean with my faults. In the past, I have run – even so far as to another continent – to escape the realities of my life and the what-ifs I’ve created for myself. I’m not going to mention my past indiscretions, for once again, that would mean dropping names you don’t wish to hear. After all, it’s still summer (for a few more weeks, anyway). Come autumn and I may just reinvent myself again and thus, create a new list of ideals. I can be good…as long as I have a new season and a new year and a new chance to change everything around. How can one stay in a single place for their entire life? I get restless in one spot for too long. I don’t see the point in remaining stagnant. It seems had I adopted this way of life, I might grow old twice as quickly. Whereas this once might have seemed a delicious thought to me, it scares me now that I am older and, let’s face it, wiser. Time will do that to a person. Now I am older and have more responsibilities, dare I say a family, people to please, etc. In short, I am forced to slow down and face the fears I tried for years to leave behind. Some people say, “The only way around is through.” Meaning in order to get over something – a hardship, a bad memory, a deadly sin – is by going straight through it. Confronting in directly. While this may seem terrifying, it must be done. In certain instances, there is absolutely no other way. I still maintain that in some cases, it is better to run, to forget the past and move ahead with your life without ever looking back. However diligently I pound this lopsided notion into my brain, I still find myself wondering: what did it all mean, anyway? Maybe I am a sadist and secretly, deep down, want to feel the pain I caused returned to me. Maybe I am just thinking too much because the summer is dragging on. There will be a certain peace when the seasons change. With the trees, I will turn over, change color, begin to die only to be regenerated and renewed. It is this metamorphosis I look forward to and count on to preserve my sanity. One thing I know for sure is that I am thinking way too much, locked in my own mind’s prison. It truly is the loneliest place to be, inside one’s head. I can’t seem to break through, no matter how many television programs I force myself to watch. Comedy usually does it. There is nothing better than laughter to pull you from the wrenches of your past. I never was a fan of clowns or tricks as a kid, but nowadays it seems those frivolous acts are a necessity to me. I need people to make me laugh, frolic around me with ridiculous costumes on and prance on my melancholy, beat it down to the ground. I may find my way to the airport soon, perhaps “find myself” (in more ways than one) somewhere other than here. Thinking of people of the past, I feel there is nothing better than to be straightforward. I must quit hiding from myself and others. I am only backtracking and wasting valuable time. Contrary to previous ways of thinking and outdated beliefs, I am neither invincible nor will I live forever. Yes, I am quite sure of it: it is time for a change. Change your mind, change your life. Where did I hear that? So many sayings and sound bytes. It all gets so repetitive and begins to make my life sound like one big cliché. I hate clichés! At least, I thought I did. The more I think about it, the more each and every cliché holds some sort of truth in my life. Every cheesy saying I ever read on the back of greeting cards or in the Sunday paper, every billboard and commercial with a schmaltzy message, every caption under photographs hanging in museums…they all make a sort of sense to me now. Am I just aging and giving into my sentimental side? Is the cynic in me dissolving and leading way to the pushover, the naïve schoolboy? Or am I just desperate to find meaning in an otherwise bleak past? I won’t solve this tonight. For now, I will just leave this open-ended question here for you all to wrap your heads around.