December 2005 Archives
Welcome to the long awaited final installment of the Mustache Competition. It is, let's be honest, the episode we've all been waiting for. And no scrolling to the bottom to see the winner! That's cheating! It's been a long five weeks and I know a lot of us became quite attached to our new looks.
The Final Week
The final meeting was held at the office, because we planned on celebrating the geekiest stache of all, Mario, with the recent release of Mario Kart DS. It was quite the inspiring event, with everyone at maximum growth. We took pictures to be cropped for the judges, so that the ratings would only be based on the stache, and not the general hotness of the men involved. Can you guess who is who?
You'll notice there are less images than competitors featured throughout this contest. I was really hoping Jason would make it to the end, as he came into the competition a week late and still had a great stache, but was forced to clear it out when he caught the flu and suspected the invading germs were hiding out in the jungles of his upper lip.
And then the noble and highly anticipated Noby left the competition early in an unfortunate end-date miscommunication where he thought he missed the deadline and SHAVED IT OFF! We regret his departure from the competition and wish him well.
The job of the growers over, we sent the images off to be judged. Before we jump into the judging, I'd like to give a "shout out" to the inventors of Just For Men mustache coloring agents. After the official portraits were taken a few of us took advantage of their fine products to enhance our masculine and I have to admit, much sexier, appearance.
Thanks JUST FOR MEN (note: no photoshop trickery was used, these photos represent the actual change in color w/o altering the levels or contrast*)!
The Judges
Now it's time for the judging! Before we begin, let's meet our panel of mustachio magistrates:
Marjorie Skinner is a California conquistadora who came here expressly to go to Reed College, but discovered upon graduation that she didn't have enough money to move back to her native San Francisco. She hates rain. Since then, she has been refusing to either grow up or wear shoes to work, finding employment at the Portland Mercury, a newspaper that caters perfectly to these demands. Recently promoted to Managing Editor, Skinner has appeared on reality TV dating shows, manufactured her own kidnapping, test driven sex toys in Beaverton, and gone undercover as an Insane Clown Posse fan. She also enjoys boxing, shopping, and plotting schemes.
Lisa Radon is a freelance writer who writes primarily about style and culture for a number of publications. She is the editor of ultra (http://www.ultrapdx.com). On the flipside, Radon employs words in non-linear, non-explicative fashion in abstract poem performances in which syntax is often AWOL and sound rules.
Brede Rorstad has the best looking mustache of any man under 40. He is a mysterious and quiet fellow, but his appreciation for the mustache cause brought him out as a judge. His stinging critiques are as ruthless as his fierce ping pong game (sorry about that misspelling of your name on the ping pong page!).
Ken and Bev Merrill are my parents, which you would think would give me an advantage in this contest, but you would be wrong. Upon accepting his position as a judge my father said to me, "I'm afraid with your genes you may have a handicap. I think I was 40 before I could grow one that did not look like I just forgot to wipe my mouth after eating a chocolate donut." My parents are very knowledgeable about the mustache, as my father is a retired state trooper and my mother has been married to him for over thirty years.
And finally, the results, from lowest to highest:
Ian: 9th Place with 8 points.
Marjorie: Sparse - I could grow a thicker 'stache than that!
Lisa: I'm sure this gentleman looks quite handsome sans mustache.
Brede: Try a mullet instead perhaps...?
Ken: "Sorry Charlie" – the little follicles that couldn’t.
Bev: Nice try. Don't give up! A few years will make a tremendous difference.
Tim: 8th Place with 11 points.
Marjorie: No comment.
Lisa: Bad grooming choice. The vast space between the nose and the mustache killed this one. Raggedy lower edge seals its fate.
Brede: Shaved by a robot - flat on top and flat at the bottom. No dynamics.
Ken: Maybe when it grows up.
Bev: You’ve got a cute mouth... forget the mustache.
Mike: 7th Place with 15 points.
Marjorie: Points for creepiness; that's a total rape 'stache.
Lisa: Mustaches require combing. Uneven lower edge makes me want to get out my scissors.
Brede: Nice shape, but needs work on texture. Eat your vitamins.
Ken: Folliclly Challenged - might make a good democrat politician.
Bev: Colorful, nice horizontal shape. Length of hairs seem uneven giving it a somewhat ragged appearance.
Josh: 6th Place with 19 points.
Marjorie: I never knew a mustache could have a widows' peak.
Lisa: A mustache is not an art project. Mustaches must never be trimmed to the outline of the lips. Never.
Brede: Confident and sleazy. Seagull-shape must go.
Ken: Disturbing - might be seen on a poster in the Post Office.
Bev: Unique sassy shape with a hint of gothic style. Well trimmed and creative.
Dave: 5th Place with 23 points.
Marjorie: Nice symmetrical winged shape, and good density—it even has a center part.
Lisa: Fine growth with haphazard grooming. Potential.
Brede: Good growth, needs trim.
Ken: Would rate higher with another couple of weeks growth time.
Bev: Good soup strainer. Length of hairs seem a bit uneven.
Steve: 4th Place with 24 points.
Marjorie: The downward curling on the ends compliments the roundness of the chin.
Lisa: A shape with personality, shaped a stitch too thinly.
Brede: Good intentions and good effort, but shape needs revisions.
Ken: This will make a great cookie duster.
Bev: Nice hairs, appears warm and fuzzy. A little ragged on the edges.
Wade: 3rd Place with 36 points.
Marjorie: I love the triple boldness of color, size, and shape.
Lisa: Great growth and color, but if one is to have a handlebar mustache one must swing for the fence.
Brede: Delightful form and a lovely hue.
Ken: Points added for unique coloring!
Bev: Warm color, strong hairs, nicely groomed and trimmed.
Cabel: 2nd Place with 39 points.
Marjorie: Perfectly ’70s porn director. Any caterpillar would be charmed.
Lisa: Super healthy and glossy, kind of wild man...untrimmed in a good way.
Brede: Robust and firm, topped off with a subtle flirt with the wild side.
Ken: Full and nicely colored, but lacks grooming.
Bev: Full and fluffy but needs careful edging. Great color.
J. John: 1st Place with 41 points.
Marjorie: This actually looks natural, not affected.
Lisa: Distinguished variegated coloring and very nearly haughty shape with luxuriant growth.
Brede: Very elegant, yet solid and convincing.
Ken: Best over-all, Full, nicely colored and well groomed.
Bev: Good shape, good length, thick, nicely filled out and trimmed to perfection.
Congratulations John! Your mustache has been victorious, and the image of your stache will be immortalized on a case of Jones Soda! (arriving soon at the Hott Denn)
For The Cheaters Who Scrolled Down
*statement may not be actually true
Welcome back to the mustache competition! In this episode we're going to see week 3 and 4, where the stache is really growing in!
Week 3
For week three we went to Jake's Grill for the classic Portland happy hour. The place was pretty crowded, but we all managed to squeeze into a booth.
In the third week, there was some definite separation of the "men" from the "boys", but still way too much soul patch, beard, and other extraneous hair going on.
Week 4
Originally we planned on going to Uptown Billiard's Club for Week 4, but when we arrived it was closed for a private party of dentists! So we relocated to a nearby McMenamin's pub, but in honor of the gentlemanly game of billiards, here are the growers in a standard 9-ball formation:
Just one more short week of growth before the FINALE, which will be unveiled, along with the mystery judges, in the NEXT and FINAL EPISODE of THE MUSTACHE COMPETITION! Stay Tuned!