March 2007 Archives

It's still March in the mountains, and I know I'm cutting it close for my last interview of this month's blog challenge, but I bring it to you with love and dedication. Earlier in the week, you were treated to a risque* interview by the hott Michelle Baldwin (AKA Vivienne VaVoom), founder, performer, and creative director for Burlesque As It Was, and founder/instructor of Vivienne VaVoom's School of Burlesque. She also happens to be the president of the second Denver chapter of the ladies drinking for charity group I just joined, LUPEC (Ladies United for the Preservation of Endangered Cocktails). She doesn't stop there; the lady also freelance writes for Westword and has authored a book. you better not let anyone tell you Denver doesn't have its share of interesting and talented people. And now, with minutes to spare, here is my final interview, with the wonderful Hubs, who agreed to do this interview at my begging.

*Spellcheck wants to change that to "bisque"

Where are you from originally?
I'm a born and raised Denverite.

How long have you lived here?
Long enough to know better.

What is your favorite thing to do in the city? Outside of the city?
In: Go to places I've never been to meet people I've always known.
Out: Go to places I've never been to meet people I've never known.

Do you think there is something you can do in Denver that you can't do anywhere else?
I don't think there is anything here you can't do anywhere else, but the weather definitely won't be better in that other place and you'll probably make more friends doing it here.

Where in Denver is your favorite place?
Right now it's DPL but it changes almost monthly. This would be a good feature for my blog, hmmmmm.

How do you spend your spare time?
Waiting

Have you ever been to NYC?
Yup. And I'm going again toward the end of May. Tickets were bought last week. United has a great deal for $200, roundtrip, from DIA yo!

If you could sum it up in one word, what would it be?
iloveyoutoo

Do you have a favorite book, or if not, movie?
Oooph. Though one. I think I could live my life happily telling everyone I meet that "Cruddy" by Lynda Barry is my favorite book. And movie-wise, who can deny the power of the Shawshank.

If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?
Maybe a professional, traveling, sociologist/anthropologist/cultural documentarian (I don't think that's a word but I get to make it up right?) with nobody to report to, and no social or academic responsibility.

How far away is your closest relative?
One zip code away.

Generally, are you happy with your life?
Generally.

If MTV threw you a sweet [whatever your next birthday is] party, no expenses spared, what would your theme be?
Space

If you could have any fictional character be the next president, who would it be and why?
Ishmael (Daniel Quinn's gorilla) because I think he might actually have a chance at saving humanity.

Yeah, I forgot Denver weather always likes to have the last word on a season's end and start.

Happy hour margaritas on the porch, anyone?

My mom gave me a coupon for a free Jamba Juice. It was due to expire today, so I ran over at lunch to grab me a delicious free smoothie. While waiting in line, I felt a tap on my arm and turned to find a man standing next to me, handing me a card. I immediately accessed that this was one of those deaf sign language give me money schemes and handed the card back. (In a polite way, I wasn't a complete bitch or anything.) He handed out his cards to a couple more people, who also handed them back, and then he left. A worker came up behind the girl at the register and asked what the guy was handing out. She said he was deaf and asking for donations.

I don't know why I felt the need to speak up, but I guess the jaded New Yorker in me just scoffed a little too loudly to be ignored, so I said, "Oh, I doubt he's deaf." And the worker and the register girl stared at me like I said I had just killed a raccoon outside by stepping on its head. "You don't think he's really deaf?" the register girl asked in an awed voice. I realized immediately I should have kept my mouth shut, because what do I know if that guy was deaf. I backtracked by saying as much, but then couldn't help myself by adding that that it was a well-known tactic for panhandling, though. Again the raccoon-killing looks. "Well, I see him here all the time. I woulda given him a dollar," the register girl said finally. I felt both indignant that I knew the cards are a ploy (regardless of whether the card bearer can hear or not), and sorry I'd said anything badmouthing the apparent neighborhood deaf dude.

I got my smoothie and mulled on it on the way back to the office. I actually spent a lot of time with the deaf community in high school and know a fair amount of sign language. I was sorta wishing I'd been quick enough to pull some out. Of course, it's ridiculously rusty now and the ensuing conversation would have been all, "Where's the bathroom?" "I like cats" and some finger spelling.

Then I noticed the straw in my smoothie was cracked somewhere, because I was sucking a lot of air. No matter, I would fix it back at the office. The big Best Of issue is out today and on my way into my building, I grabbed a stack of the papers, which weigh like 10 pounds each. As I was pulling them out of the stand, I lost my grip on the smoothie and it started to go flying. I made a lunging grasp at it and caught it...with my thumb punching through the styrofoam cup and effectively splicing the cup in half in my hand. I dropped the papers, which the wind immediately picked up and tossed everywhere. The stand was covered in purple berries and vita-boost and there was no trash can to be seen. I lurched inside and made my way to the kitchen and a spare cup, saving most of the drink and coating myself and the sink in smoothie. After cleaning up the sidewalk as much as I could and gathering up the papers that were still around, I feebly made my way back to my desk.

I'm sure there's a very concise way of saying "Karma's a bitch" in sign language, but I don't know what it is.

I made good on my promise to make Mike and Willow come to the Geeks Who Drink pub quiz while they were in town and it completely paid off. We teamed up with a couple other super trivia-smart friends and we were un.stoppable. Seriously, the competition was fierce because there had been a month-long competition going, where the teams with the most cumulative points for March would win a snowboard, so everyone was in prime shape. But everything went our way: we got double points on a cover song round, we knew our South American countries, we were able to correctly distinguish which celebrities appeared on the Surreal Life and which appeared on Dancing with the Stars. My crowning moment was when I was able to answer that canola oil comes from rapeseed oil. (In college I had a fight with a crazy roommate who insisted that canola oil was bad because it was derived from a poisonous source and I told her she was nuts. There might be other reasons not to eat canola oil, but thinking it is poison is not one of them.) We only really bombed the South Park round, because we just don't watch enough South Park to distinguish characters' voices (and anyway, many of the voices are kinda the same). In any case, Krazy 4 Webkinz rocked the house. And now we have a $25 gift certificate for more drinking. I sense a vicious circle starting...

Remember my secret restaurant evaluation job? I just got assigned a fancy hotel evaluation in town and I'm psyched. I think the evaluation process is a little more intense, but it also comes with required room service, morning coffee reception, and afternoon wine reception. I also see that the hotel also offers IN-ROOM SPA SERVICES, and I'm praying to the gods of luxury and restricted budgets that they ask me to evaluate something of the facial/massage/manicure variety. Because if there's anything I enjoy more than being paid to lounge in giant beds eating croissants, it's being paid to lounge in giant beds eating croissants while getting a pedicure. Sometimes my life is so hard.

Willow and Mike leave town today and I'm sad to see them leave. I think they fit in just fine here and when they're sick of boring old Portland, I hope they keep Denver open as an option. We had big plans to hit up Casa Bonita (missing Skinnyboy by a day!) but due to waylaid plans, we had to miss out. I do believe Willow and Mike are planning on going today at lunch, and I can only wish them many cliff divers and exciting cave adventures. Also, after checking out Skinnyboy's pictures, I called Willow to remind her not to get the cheese enchilada, because they are apparently made with nacho cheese. Stick with the bucket of Coronas, dudes.

The theme for last night's cooking club was "foods in disguise," which gave me the perfect opportunity to try out some sweet sushi I've seen done to perfection all over the internet. I was particularly inspired by these creations by some so-called Evil Mad Scientists. I decided to use Rice Krispie treats instead of cake, and they worked great for molding and cutting. I freaked out for a little while because all the recipes call for green Fruit-by-the-Foot, and people--there is no green Fruit-by-the-Foot to be had anywhere. In fact, there are no green Fruit Roll-Ups. The only ones we could find were in a mixed box, and they were neon and had Spiderman tongue tattoos printed on them. Not ideal, but I was going to make it work. Then, by some dehydrated fruit miracle, I came across a bunch of healthy Fruit Roll-up knock-offs in the produce aisle. They came in green apple flavor! And lo, the color was completely perfect for mimicking seaweed.

Cute! I also found this recipe for savory cupcakes and couldn't resist. Delicious! But I believe the star of the evening was what appeared to be a glorious white frosted cake, but what was really grilled cheese with ricotta frosting. I felt disorientated the entire time I was eating it.

* * *

As promised, I'm sending you into the weekend with another interview. The chicken-man was none other than John Dicker, writer, author, and co-founder of Geeks Who Drink. See how I tried to toss you clue with the bonus question about drinks? I know, this guessing the profession thing isn't completely working out. But my next guest is lobbing you softballs...

The interview below marks our first female interviewee, and I think you're in for a treat.

Where are you from originally?
Born in D-Town, raised in Little-fun

How long have you lived here?
My whole life...

What is your favorite thing to do in the city?
Discover new places, see bands, check out theater...Denver has tons to do and I find myself wanting to do all of it--all at the same time.

Outside of the city?
Hike around the hills, look for ghost towns, drink hot chocolate in small town cafes and drink beer in weird little bars.

Do you think there is something you can do in Denver that you can't do anywhere else?
Experience 2 degrees of separation...a lot.

Where in Denver is your favorite place?
Cruise Room in the winter, City Park in the summer

How do you spend your spare time?
Spare time? What's that?

Have you ever been to NYC?
Every year, at least once a year.

If you could sum it up in one word, what would it be?
New York? Delicious!

Do you have a favorite book, or if not, movie?
Dreamland by Kevin Baker in my dreams I'm always in Coney Island, dancing at the Girlshow

If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?
I want Dita Von Teese's job.

How far away is your closest relative?
1 mile

Generally, are you happy with your life?
Ecstatic. I'm extremely lucky. I'd love to figure out how to make all my 'hobbies' become my day job, but I have a lot of fun doing all the things I do.

What quality in people frustrates you the most?
Apathy and laziness. Get up people--there's way more to do than watch 28 hours of TV a week.

If you had to appear as a participant on one reality show, which one would it be and why?
I was already on Trading Spaces- which was fun, even if Doug was an ass and screwed up my living room...otherwise I'd love to be on that Pussycat Dolls show just so I could audition with a striptease and then act really shocked when the "Burlesque Pop Stars" didn't get what I was doing. Burlesque is Striptease people--not just dancing in slutty outfits.

It's so springtime outside! I don't feel like doing a single thing except sitting outside and having happy hour and snacks all day long. Maybe with breaks to stroll around the park or check out some little stores on Broadway. I was in the chip aisle in the grocery store the other day and it struck me that it is almost Mike's Hard Lemonade and Sour Cream and Onion Pringles time again. I believe this combination became a barbecue staple sometime in college, but has since permanently cemented itself in my head as the quintessential snack of Officially Warm Weather. Just like eating my mom's homemade toffee would seem wrong in July, I think spring and summer are the only really appropriate times for whipping out the green canister and hard lemonade. Maybe early fall if the weather's still nice enough to fire up the grill and you just can't let go.

Speaking of fall, J and I are gearing up for a travel-heavy wedding season. My friend Kelly is in the middle of a paperwork war, which if all goes in her favor, will allow her fiance in Africa to come to the US for their wedding, tentatively scheduled in September. In Alaska. This would be exciting all by itself if it didn't happen to fall only a couple months away from J's brother's wedding. In Mexico. What's a financially struggling couple to do? Right now, we're preparing for the possibility of having to split up the weddings, sending I-hate-the-sun J down south and sending why-can't-I-ever-have-a-beach-vacation me to Alaska. It's not that I'm not psyched about visiting Alaska, but I know J--who's never been there--would really enjoy it, and I have a feeling he'd enjoy Mexico more if I were with him. And anyway, why can't we both go both places? Here's where that private jet would come in handy...

I bet you thought I forgot about my March interview challenge, just because I forgot about it last week. So I'm a little behind, but you should expect the full four interviews before the end of the month. Fair warning.

Week one's interview, was with Andrew "Skinnyboy" Lane, Denver's one and only professional competitive eater. He is ranked 33rd nationally, and while that doesn't put him up there with the big leaguers, the number still represents a lot of heart for the sport. (Apparently, he also has some sort of "real job" with mortgage loans.) I only met Skinnyboy once, briefly, at a pizza competition, but we didn't get a chance to bond over our home state. Speaking of competitive eating, I had the honor of being interviewed by the legendary Beautiful Brian on his website. So if you have an extra hour to kill, want to get some advice on double dating, want a glimpse of Pat Bertoletti giving a Christmas interview, care very much about my views on Joey Chestnut's eating technique, and have the ability to understand my garbled phone interview, you can go here and click on the little leprechaun.

This week's interview comes to us in the form of a boozing chicken, who doesn't always wear the poultry costume. As before, the compulsory questions are first, and my two are added at the end.

Where are you from originally?
Bedford, New York (home of Martha Stewart, represent!)

How long have you lived here?
Since August of 2004

What is your favorite thing to do in the city?
A cliché perhaps, but cook and eat, drink, and socialize.

Outside of the city?
Same thing with different people.

Do you think there is something you can do in Denver that you can't do anywhere else?
No.

Where in Denver is your favorite place?
The Thin Man.

How do you spend your spare time?
I don’t have a lot. But...reading, playing handball, cooking.

Have you ever been to NYC?
I lived there for six years.

If you could sum it up in one word, what would it be?
bidness

Do you have a favorite book, or if not, movie?
That’s like asking me if I have a favorite eye or leg or nad. I like depressing British cinema from the 60s and polemical and narrative nonfiction.

If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?
I’d be a grizzly bear.

How far away is your closest relative?
About a mile.

Generally, are you happy with your life?
Yes, but I’m terrible at managing it.

If you could go back in time to reveal one thing about your current life to your younger self, what would it be?
That I didn’t die a virgin.

If you could only order one type of drink at bars and restaurants for the rest of your life, what would you choose?
Some sort of ale.

Denver is crazy with the thank you notes! Here are the businesses from which I've received hand-written thank you notes since moving here:

Hairdresser
Bank
Waxer
Dry cleaner

Seriously, the last one almost killed me. It specifically mentioned the article I'd brought in and sounded genuinely enthusiastic about having the pleasure of cleaning it. A hairdresser and waxer I sort of understand, because they are individuals who are trying to keep clients. A bank I sort of get, though all I did was start an IRA to roll some 401k money into for 6 months until I can start a 401k at my new job. But a dry cleaner? It's a major national chain, too, not some mom and pop operation. And who's assigned to write these notes? The cashier? The actual cleaner? The store manager? Baffling.

I like to flip to "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader" during commercials for other, greater, shows to see what the questions are. They like to draw out the answering portion of the game A LOT, so I rarely get to see the answers. Which doesn't matter, since last night the entire entertainment was in watching these grown adults have zero concept of their location in relation to the rest of the world. I'm no geography buff, but I am aware of some basic things. Like, oh I don't know, that Canada exists.

The first question I caught was: What is the most western US state: Nevada, California, or Alaska? And the guy...thought about it. Then PEEKED at the kid's answer. Then hemmed and hawed because he thought it was Alaska, but wasn't sure. I am dying to see the map of North America he has in his head where Alaska is farther east than California. It must be amazing.

The second question was for a different contestant and asked simply: What country borders the US on the north? And then I almost killed myself because the lady did the SAME routine: thought out loud, peeked at the child's answer, and then thought some more. She eventually went with Canada because she "remember[ed] a song [she] learned in grade school and remember[ed] the lyrics saying something about Canada being our neighbor to the north." WELL THANK GOD FOR GRADE SCHOOL SONGS.

It was J's birthday yesterday and we had a little party for him over the weekend. His collected birthday gifts include:

"Heroes" t-shirt
HeroClix
Spiderman night light
Spiderman candy
Superhero band-aids
Three Stooges memorabilia
Gift certificate to comic book store
Artistic rendering of Risk pieces
Superman sling toy
Banana Republic slacks and hoodie

Can you guess which one I gave him? It was actually really sweet that people brought all these goodies; it gave the party a bit of an old school feel. And by "old school" I mean "elementary school." And by that I mean "lots of fun."

I attempted a four layer chocolate cake, which had a lying recipe and turned out only three layers. One day, when the sun and moon are aligned just right and the other forces in the universe see fit to make it so, I will produce the perfect cake. Until then, it is slightly dry cake with imperfect frostings for me. I find it infuriating that I can't seem to make a delicious cake, but I blame it mostly on the fact that I don't make cakes that often. Who makes cake often? It's a special occasion thing. Which is why it should be extra important to have that infallible recipe tucked away and ready for use.

On Krista's last night, we ventured out to a British bar and played a pub quiz for most of the evening. I'm semi-terrible at trivia, but J and Krista have minds like little steel traps and we did brilliantly for our first go. Plus our team only had us three*, while others had the collaboration of up to six members. The sixteen points we missed were almost certainly in the "name the video game music" round, which was entirely harder than we thought it would be, and the "celebrity downfalls" round, which was more obscure than anticipated. All night, Krista and I were gunning for a reality television question, and when it finally came, it was about "Work Out" and who watches that show? Sadly our vast knowledge of model-, singer-, and vapid teen-themed reality television went untapped.

* For the visual round, we were given eight pictures of different movie posters starring Jodie Foster. Krista was going crazy trying to get the first one and we finally called in a long-distance teammate to help out. Luckily, Tom came through and provided us with "Sommersby," which would have given us a perfect score if we hadn't missed "Anna and the King."

Willow and Mike are here in a week and I think J and I will commandeer them for a night. I have a feeling that couple is good for a lot of facts.

Edited to add:

Krista has been here since Friday and we are too busy enjoying the 70-degree weather and visiting the mountains and eating giant chocolate chip cookies held together with chocolate chip cookie dough. Too busy. Back at the end of the week!

I have mixed feelings about the Pussycat Dolls reality show. On one hand, I don't care. But on the other hand, many girls puked. There was the initial requisite shot of the one girl who was too tired and too ill to continue rehearsal. We made fun of her in the usual way you make fun of a reality show contestant who is immediately too sick to do what they signed up on the show to do. But then! One girls straight-up projectile vomited. Then another. Then everyone! It was like the scene in Stand By Me, except with sick ladies who want to be the 40th member of the Pussycat Dolls replacing repulsed contest-watchers. There were IVs and medics on hand and they girls had to tough it out through the funniest/saddest round of auditions I've ever seen. I don't see how the show can possibly get any better, so I may just cap out my viewing at one episode and call the whole thing a success.

But more important than reality shows is reality jobs. Jobs in reality. Real jobs, like the one J just got! He's had steady temp work for awhile, but we're both glad to gain a little extra financial stability. Unfortunately "stability" doesn't translate to "windfall" or "glorious lake of money to bathe in," but paying bills is fun, too.

This might be one of the best stories I've read in a long time. It passed the real world test, in that I kept thinking about it and giggling to myself hours later. Then I had a couple glasses of wine and told people at a dinner party and it was still funny. So, there you go.

I think J and I lost something fairly big. I don't want to talk about it because that would make it real and we didn't actually lose anything, we've just momentarily forgotten where we placed it (right??). Do you have any tricks for finding items that are temporarily not where they are supposed to be?

It is March, and that means a new blog challenge is upon us. This month's challenge giver is Krista, who as I mentioned earlier, put together a very interactive one.

I want you to choose one person a week to interview. They cannot be a friend or relative. They need to be someone completely new to you. Perhaps they drive the bus, or make your coffee in the morning. Perhaps you work with them, or maybe they are your neighbor. I want you to interview them and ask them the following questions, plus 2 that are from you and can be about anything you want. It would also be nice to add a bit of interactive-ness to the challenge...We could have the readers read your interview and then they will have to guess what they do for a living.

So, I rounded someone up. To be honest, this is someone I've had past interaction with, but not really face to face. It would be fair to say that I know very little about his personal or professional life and we've never, say, sat down to a cup of coffee and chatted about old times. But we did grow up in the same place. Krista's compulsory questions are first, mine are the last two. I don't think you'll be able to guess his profession, but I'll give points if you can guess something he's known for. (Besides flaming poo.) No cheating if you recognize his picture.

1. Where are you from originally?
Around, I guess. Dad was in the Army so we moved around quite a bit. Born in North Carolina but did time in Georgia, Florida, Denmark, Hawaii, back in North Carolina, and Virginia.

2. How long have you lived here?
Colorado since 1991.

3. What is your favorite thing to do in the city? Outside of the city?
In: Get a little brown paper bag. Put some poop in it. Place it on someone's doorstep. Light the bag on fire. Ring the doorbell. Run and hide but be close enough to hear and see the hilarity that ensues. Out: See In.

4. Do you think there is something you can do in Denver that you can't do anywhere else?
Not really. Denver is like anywhere else; we are just here and not there.

5. Where in Denver is your favorite place?
Any mall. I absolutely love shopping. And crowds. The bigger the better.

6. How do you spend your spare time?
See #3.

7. Have you ever been to NYC? (or another big city, if no)
NYC, no. Define "big city". Denver? Vegas? DC? Phoenix?

8. If you could sum it up in one word, what would it be?
One word: Relax. But I like "Eat, drink, and be merry. For tomorrow we die" or "Celebrate we will. Because life is short but sweet for certain". Thanks, Dave!

9. Do you have a favorite book, or if not, movie?
Silence of the Lambs! "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti." and of course "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

10. If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?
Pump gas.

11. How far away is your closest relative?
My wife is like right over there. My family and stuff, they're all back east. I am sort of the black sheep out here.

12. Generally, are you happy with your life?
I'm probably not going to change the world like I thought I would growing up. But with a wonderful wife and kick ass doggies, it's all good!

13. Did you have sea monkeys growing up?
No way! Those things have always freaked me out! Sea monkeys and clowns!

14. Pro-Peep or anti-Peep?
Me, anti-Peep totally. But my wife digs them so I suppose I'm pro-Peep by Proxy.

I got an email recently, from someone's work address, that had this quote in the signature: "Tell me, and I'll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and I'll understand." Now, I kinda feel the same way about signature quotes as I do about bumper stickers and tattoos, mainly that there's nothing I have that's so definitive and important about myself that I need to remind others of it constantly. So, I'm biased here. But is it ever really a good idea to include the phrase "Tell me, and I'll forget" on an email going out to co-workers, bosses, and clients on a regular basis? Although, I guess it's a decent way to cover your ass if you ever mess up. Didn't you see my signature line? Fair warning.

* * *
Mixed into some paperwork I received in the mail, there was a letter that had clearly been lying on the sender's kitchen table and was included by accident. The letter is a permission slip from a private school which, if signed by the parent, allows the teachers to PADDLE their kid if the student exhibits "inappropriate Behavior [sic] and anything else that interferes with the learning process in lieu pf suspension, early dismissal, or time out of class." Because I would much rather my inappropriately Behaving kid be paddled in front of the class than removed from the room. I'm secretly glad I'm in possession of this permission slip, with its tiny coffee stain in the corner, because that means it can never be signed and returned.

* * *

Do you know what American Idol tastes like? Well, I'll tell you:

It tastes exactly like yellow birthday cake, but ice cream instead of cake. It's brilliant. And it is currently the only product I own that allows me to be consuming a television reality show both visually and gastronomically, so, y'know: sold!

Speaking of tasting reality shows, the ANTM finale themed food party is shaping up already, and we've only had one episode. Thank you, Natasha, for finally bringing White Russians to the buffet table.

I had been feeling blue. This blueness, I decided was due mostly to the fact that I left all my close lady friends on the east coast (except Willow, who's camped out on the west coast), and had no one to meet for happy hours or brunch or shopping or pedicures. But then, like a heaven-sent answer to my loneliness, I was invited to join a ladies-only drinking club that focuses on raising money for worthy causes. I mean, they focus on drinking, but in-between making fancy drinks and hosting get-togethers with themed hors d'oeuvres, they host some charity events and do things that are generally good for the community. So I got an all-in-one package of 1) lady friends, 2) drinks, 3) food, 4) theme-based gatherings, and 5) volunteer work. DID I FOUND THIS GROUP AND JUST FORGET?

To balance out all this extra drinking, I've been going to a boot camp class at the gym. What happens is this: an instructor yells at you for 30 minutes as you do more crunches and push-ups and squats than you've ever done in any exercise class you've ever taken in your life. Combined. Then you are free to go unless the guilt trip that the instructor lays on you works, and then you stay for an additional 30 minutes of punishing. I was suckered into staying for this second half once, and now he knows I can do it and won't let me skip it. It hasn't been so bad in the past, as we've focused mostly on doing odd circuits with jump ropes and bosu balls.

But then, last week? He was all, "Let's go outside. FINALLY!" And I realized with a sickening feeling of dread that this second half of the class--that I was just barely getting through--usually takes place outside. Where they run. Up and down stairs. A LOT. Only the snow on the ground had trapped us inside and forced us to do lesser things like jump rope for five continuous minutes. But I was stuck in his authoritative instructor beam and couldn't say no. (I tried a feeble, "But I don't have a jacket..." and some girl in the class who wasn't affected by beam of guilt was heading to the recumbent bike was all, "Here, borrow mine!" Bitch.)

Yoga and pilates are good. They give you strong muscles and good balance; they help you have pretty push-ups and are teach you excellent skills for focusing during endurance events. However, when you are running up flights of stairs and trailing behind ex-track runners during sprints, you realize maybe you should have been focusing on some aerobic activities, too. You realize this as it seems like someone is punching you repeatedly in the chest, as your lungs collapse in on themselves, and as your stomach remains in "nauseous" mode the rest of the evening. You think of screaming, "I can do headstands, motherfuckers! I'm very flexible! I can almost do king pigeon pose! Can you hear me?? KING PIGEON!" But they can't because they have finished their sprints about ten minutes before you and are heading back to the gym already.

I'm going back tonight, but only because there is snow on the ground.