December 2006 Archives

Some of you may remember my post last year about Sandra Lee's Kwanzaa Celebration Cake. For those of you who don't, you might take a minute to look over THE WORST RECIPE EVER CONCEIVED, if only because it will make the rest of this post a little more funny. For whatever reason, this Kwanzaa cake has been coming up a lot in conversation lately. I think it's because my brother loves the sheer absurdity of the whole recipe and the various steps it takes, each worse than the one before, so it's often at his cajoling that the story is told again and again. Really, it's only a matter of time before someone in my immediate family or friend group makes this cake and brings it to a gathering for a joke.

And just looking at the recipe, you would think that that would be the case everywhere: that the only instance someone would actually purchase ingredients and spend time making this cake would be for a really big joke. But this world is a sad place, and it turns out there are people who have made this recipe for real. And brought it to social gatherings. And fed it to their loved ones.

Last night my phone rang, and from the other end I could hear my brother on the verge of exploding with glee. "There are reviews!" he said, and proceeded to tell me that he'd found the recipe online and discovered that not only had many people made this cake, many people were NOT HAPPY they had made the cake.

Here is a sampling:

I found this offensive to my heritage.

Inexplicable...Why is there popcorn on the cake? It was picked off before any one ate a piece.Who would find this delicious? Truly strange.

It was very easy to make but it tasted awful. Most of it went in the trash.

It looks like its mocking an ethnic group.

Just add a packet of ranch dressing. It's the only thing that could make this recipe any worse...Corn nuts? Are you crazy?

It didn't sound so bad to start but then it became obvious that this was a ridiculous recipe!!!

Wow. I thought this cake would be an interesting thing to take to our multi-cultural party at work. Well, needless to say this cake sat relatively untouched after the first person who tasted it almost gagged. I would recommend that you not waste your money on this concoction.

All my guests came to same conclusion I did and that's this cake has strange ingredients. This item just did not go over well and I had 12 people at my home who agreed. I wish this had worked and felt badly for my guests and family

When I watched this show I thought this might be a good cake for a "change of pace", but after putting in together and serving I now realize how much of a mistake I made.

When we saw this cake on line it looked rather interesting, but when prepared in real life, it looked very sad.

I tried this with an open mind. I just didn't get the popcorn on the cake.

I like salty + chocolate as a combo, but this was just too sweet, and the apple/chocolate/salted corn/creamy/angel food grouping was...not right...This one just wasn't a winner.

The best ones are the ones you can tell have a little story behind them. I think a lot of Sandra Lee's followers are people who desperately want to impress people with their cooking skills, but don't actually have any. They turn on her show and see a perfectly turned out woman creating elaborate dishes with ordinary items, and they think this is their free ticket to praise and glory in the kitchen. Then, when canned frosting and corn nuts don't turn out to be a crowd pleaser, they feel betrayed. Which makes for hilarious comment-leaving. After the Kwanzaa cake reviews, we went searching for more and found a couple golden ones buried in the Christmas Crescent Ring recipe.

My best friend Colleen made this for our weekly card club. She said she spent hours on it to get it just right with the icing and all. I didn't have the heart to tell her how "thrown together" and cheap it tasted, but there was another newer member who did just that. I offered to ride Colleen home and told her that the new member was correct, but we all appreciated her effort.

My office had a pot luck and I brought this in. The only people who took a piece were myself and my closest coworker/friend. She confided to me that this tastes like a combination of cheap rolls and corn syrup laden jelly. I thanked my coworker and quickly removed this item from the pot luck table.

I wanted to make an impression on my mother in law because she's such a cooking perfectionist. Unfortunately I should have not chosen this recipe in attempt to make that impression. Let me just say this indeed made an impression on my mother in law, but not in a positive way. We were both all smiles while sitting at the tale drinking coffee and getting gift ideas from holiday catalogs. Upon her first bite, my mother in law's smile immediately changed to a frown followed by her asking me where on earth I got this recipe. She immediately knew these were crescent rolls and told me it was the worst tasting breakfast treat she's ever had. This is a terrible thing to make - please skip this mess.

Sometimes I think of Sandra Lee sitting around with her buddies at a bar and just slaying them all with the newest thing she pulled over on the public. "And then!" she'd gasp, "I had them use a store-bought apple pie...as an ingredient!"

I realized I left you all hanging here with a post about starving to death in a blizzard. I didn't get too many emails wondering if we'd made it out alive, so I figure you figured I made it out okay and had a lovely Christmas. You are correct. Shortly after writing the last post, Willow convinced her step dad to drive her over to our house for a little rescue. She brought us a big food care package and it was just like we were in our own little soup kitchen. If soup kitchens served okra patties, Veggie Booty, and amaranth flakes.

I don't even know what amaranth is.

Eventually, J dug the car out and we slowly progressed with our holiday. Let me tell you something about Willow: she is an excellent white elephant strategist. Excellent. I bet you thought you couldn't strategize with random gift receiving, but it turns out, OH YES YOU CAN. A bunch of us were all gathered around for a white elephant party, and the rules had been set that when it was your turn, you could either pick a new wrapped gift from the pile or steal another already opened gift. If your gift was stolen, you had the same options. The first five gift-openers were very quiet and content and there wasn't any stealing. Then someone opened a "Boondocks" DVD and all hell broke loose. Seriously, these people wanted that DVD baaad. I didn't particularly care, since meanwhile I had opened a wrapped gift and received all four of the Harry Potter movies and was determined to keep them. But then someone took the "Boondocks" DVD again and the giftless person stole my movies. I had a moment of despair.

Then, quietly at my side, Willow whispers, "Just take the 'Boondocks' DVD and when someone steals it, you can get your movies back." It was like a light went on in my head. Yes...I would be sneaky! So that's what I did and that's what happened. But we were only at the beginning of the game. J suddenly got a pair of night vision goggles that he was in love with and Willow stole a gold-framed squid print that she was desperate to hold onto. Then someone stole my gift again, and Willow whispered, "Just take J's glasses and make him get your movies back." Which we did. Then someone stole Willow's print, and she took my gift so I could get hers back.

That's right: we formed a white elephant alliance. It worked perfectly; we all walked away with exactly what we wanted. Willow was giddy with a sense of accomplishment, saying she channeled her bf, Mike, but I think it's clear she channeled years of reality television viewing.

I think I got everything I wanted for Christmas. Settlers of Catan. Sephora brush set. Nikki McClure calendar. Pancake mix and real maple syrup from the Roadside. ACME Novelty Library #17. A camera.

A camera! We ended up with a Canon PowerShot A540 and are pretty excited about the options. It's not crazy fancy, but it's a big step up from what we were using, and we liked our old camera.

Probably the best gift was getting to spend a couple days with my ladies, Willow and Heather. I didn't realize how much I'd missed having them around until we all were able to hang out in Denver for the first time in forever. In some ways it feels very normal and everyday, but then you realize everyone has to leave the next day and you're back to not having your lady friends anymore.

I've been thinking about New Year's resolutions and I'll need a new one for 2007. I've liked the 52 books in 52 weeks, but I've lost a big chunk of my reading time since I lost my hour and a half daily commute by subway, and completing that challenge now seems like more work than fun. I'm thinking something interactive, though...something like baking a new cookie a month, but not as lame.

Hi.

Still snowed in. I was determined to make it to work today, if only to prove to myself that a little snow never hurt anyone. I got up, showered, did my hair, got dressed, and bundled up. I even pulled out some track pants to put over my jeans (figured I'd go casual for the storm) and dug out my hiking boot, which are as close to snow boots as I have. I looked out at where our car should be and, though I couldn't actually see it, there was a distinct car-shaped inconsistency in the snow, where figured it would be. Did I mention our garage is about 6-inches too short for our car. Yeah, so I decided public transportation would be the way to go and I revved myself up for a short walk to the bus stop. I took about five steps off our front porch, realized I was up to my knees in snow, the streets weren't plowed, and there weren't any cars on the street. I called the boss and an official second snow day was called. (She was incredulous I even attempted to leave the house, as the drifts were big enough at her place to seal the doors.)

Now we are facing a bit of a food crisis. In that we don't so much have any. It was supposed to be grocery shopping weekend last weekend, but we got busy, and now...we don't have any food. Desperate for a cup of tea this morning, but lacking any unspoiled milk, I frantically searched for a substitute. If you are wondering, mint chocolate chip ice cream works very well with Earl Grey. Also, if you don't have cereal, some menorah-shaped Hanukkah cookies will be pretty delicious.

To further take away from my food-related activities planned for the week, the city closed down last night, which means I had to postpone my secret evaluator dinner that I spent the whole day studying for. (For those of you interested, you can sign up for this secret eating and luxuriating [can that work as a verb?] at this website and click on "Evaluator Opportunities." You have to take a fairly time consuming test and there's a lot of writing involved, so it's only for those who are very motivated for free things or need to fulfill daydreams about becoming a food critic). There is also a party I'm supposed to attend tonight. And then there's Willow! All but half a mile away from me and we can't get to each other.

I did finish Watchmen last night and loved it. The whole way through chapter 11, I was waiting for the thing that makes Ahe cry. I kept thinking, what could be that sad? It's very dark and gloomy at that point, so I couldn't think of another bad thing that would happen that would push me from grim to crying. But then, there it was, the final four panels or so and I had tears. It gets you because you aren't expecting the tender moment. The tender plus the calamity. Isn't there a Greek word for that?

Well, we're officially in the midst of our first Denver blizzard together. It started snowing last night and isn't supposed to stop until tomorrow sometime. We all got sent home from work, and J's job was cancelled for the day, so we're having a cozy snow day. I drove the car to my office this morning and didn't realize I didn't have an ice scraper in the back until too late. I returned after four hours, found Big Red under five inches of snow, and had to basically scrape a layer of ice and snow off with my gloved hands. Which is awesome fun.

I didn't even have work to take home, so I think my afternoon plan is to hunker down with some sugar cookies, hot chocolate, and Rorschach.

You guys are awesome with your camera recommendations; I'll let you know how it all turns out.

You know those December to Remember ads? With the cars and the big bows? That was us! We got a car! Except, of course, instead of a new Lexus SUV we got a '90 Buick Park Avenue. And instead of being surprised with it on Christmas dawn with a big red bow on top, it had been given to us on loan a couple months ago and we were presented with the deed on the second night of Hanukkah. (Honestly, we had made our entrance by helicopter and had circus animals present, I would have sworn I was in my own episode of "Sweet 16"). Theatrics aside, we are the proud new owners of a gigantic luxury vehicle lined with maroon leather and lovingly nicknamed "Big Red." You will love this car. When you come to visit, we will drive you around in it and you will moan in ecstasy while luxuriating in the supple seats and watching the antennae go up and down. You will not be able to bring your drink into the car, however, because there are no cup holders.

If you are looking for some sort of release for your holiday spirit, I recommend applying ho ho ho hats and beards to your friends' Flickr photos. Waaay more fun than it should be.

I signed up to be a secret evaluator for a company who works for a bunch of fancy spas, restaurants, and hotels. My first restaurant trip is on Wednesday and they give me a pretty big budget to work with, including a required trip to the bar prior to eating. I was pretty excited until I started reading all the rules and regulations for being sneaky, and then I got a little panicky. What if I lose track of how many times they refill my water? What if I don't remember how long it took the server to come back and ask how everything is? How am I supposed to remember the whole meal in 5 minute increments if they're paying for a bottle of wine for the table? Huh? I invited Willow along as my guest thinking this would be a perfect opportunity for us to catch up when she gets into town, so I hope the whole thing doesn't devolve into a tense timed test.

Also, yes: that's a comic book in my 52B52W pile over there. I'm counting it because who's going to stop me, suckers.

I pass a billboard for a cemetery every day on my way. They show a yellowed photo of a young woman with her name and date of birth and death underneath. Next to the photo it says something like, "Taught 2,082 children how to read." The slogan splashed across the top is "Celebrating Lives Well Lived." While I appreciate the gesture, can a cemetery really celebrate lives? Also, the fact that they are advertising in a very mainstream way kinda creeps me out a little. I suppose it shouldn't, but it DOES! Buy Starbucks, eat at Good Times, listen to KBPI, bury someone or yourself at Fairmont.

The SciFi channel has been showing reruns of "Heroes," and because they are well-versed in the habits of nerdom, they created a mini-series to run this week so us fans would have somewhere handy to turn to for nerd milk because we aren't ready to be weaned yet. The series, "The Lost Room," is pretty ingenious*. It's like "Lost," but with a hotel room instead of an island, and like "Heroes" except instead of people with powers, there are objects with powers. So like instead of meeting new people and discovering that they can generate radiation, or stop time, or fly, you meet eye glasses that stop combustion, combs that stop time, and bus tickets that can send you just outside a podunk town. Let's just say that the main characters in this show are arguably a hotel key and a glass eye.

Did I mention we somehow broke our camera? Yes, we have no more camera. There might have been a moment after it wasn't functioning and before it was broken when we could have taken it to a camera shop and had it fixed. But J apparently...did something. And now it is dead. It's not too devastating, since this same camera purchased several years ago is now several hundred dollars cheaper. Which means we can probably go up a camera grade for the same price. Very exciting. We're planning on holding out until after the holidays, though, to hopefully cash in on some sales. Any camera suggestions? I'm mostly a point and shoot kinda girl, but I like a good macro.

This month is looking like a quick slide into the new year. It starts tonight with the final cooking club of the year (theme: sparkle motion) and doesn't stop until January. At which point it picks up again. Also I'm going to have to get going on all your book suggestions or I'm going to miss my book goal by, like, three books. And how lame would that be?

*ingenious in nerding out.

I guess a little compulsory posting is good for a blog. Look where I went without it! A whole week full of nothing but some crazy bus stories. Haaa, bus stories.

Seriously, the buses here are great for crazy conversations. Maybe even better than in New York. You get some serious crazy in New York, but Denver has a breed of super friendly Crazy that is perfect for listening in on. I also failed to mention my favorite tick of the bus driver's (I have the same one every night, because in Denver? The buses come on a schedule. Like the same bus at the same time on the same route every day. I know, New York, you can reel now). He announces each stop as it comes up, but he first does it seemingly just for himself. That is, he'll announce loudly (to himself), "Next stop, Alameda and Broadway! Transfers available to X and Y buses." then he'll get on the loud speaker and say the same thing. The first few times he did this, I thought maybe he was just forgetting to hit the loud speaker button when he did the announcements and was forced to redo them. But after several trips on the bus, I occurred to me that he just likes to do it. It could be that he's practicing, but there's no hesitation and he's a big friendly guy, so I just think he enjoys saying the stops so much that he's built in an extra little time to say them. What more could you ask for in a bus driver?

We got a takeout menu from a new Thai restaurant and they have a dish called "One Night in Bangkok." It lists "crabs" as an ingredient.

Am I the only person who watches "The Amazing Race"? I think so. My favorite team got the boot last Sunday and I am pretty devastated. I couldn't even tell you their names because the show and all the contestants always refer to the other teams (and themselves) by generalized terms. But I loved the blondes. They were cute, upbeat, completely fierce competitors, and all the other teams hated them. By being the front runners, they became the underdogs, and I was hoping they'd end up taking it all. But instead they got beat out by the worst team ever, a couple who fights the entire time, beat up on each other emotionally, call each other "Babe," constantly, and are generally unpleasant.

Sometimes I think about who I would bring on "The Amazing Race" if I had to choose a partner.* You should think about this, too, because it's not always who would come to mind for other things. J would be great in a lot of situations, and I have a lot of friends with different strengths, but Kelly would be my "Amazing Race" partner. No question. Willow would be my "Supermarket Sweep" partner, though.

Re: ANTM, I would like to quote an email conversation RealGirl and I had when they first released the picture of the final 13 models. RealGirl is very good at predicting:

Me: okay, the one leaning against the sofa to the viewer's right [Melrose] looks the most dramatic to me. The rest look pretty drab. Any predictions for you?

RG: Caridee (!?) looks just like first year's runner up whose name I already forget. They'll mention that sometime. Monique (far right) looks like their token ghetto temper girl. Tyra will love Megan's (pixie hair girl) hair and mention Mia Farrow. Jaeda (next to twins) is their token model-who-looks-like-a-man.

I get to see my first roller derby tonight! There's a part of me (the violent, skating part) that thinks I could be a roller derby girl. But then there's a different part (the liking my teeth unchipped part) that says, maybe not.

*I do this constantly, imagining myself in all kinds of unlikely scenarios and then thinking through how I'd handle them. Even bizarre everyday things, like "If I drove a school bus, I'd hand out candy on Halloween."

#1

Tall, chubby kid whose voice hasn't changed; looks maybe 17-years-old: Yeah, I just broke up with my girlfriend, too.

Friend: Who's your girlfriend?

Kid: You know Matt Klowsky? Yeah, his mom.

Friend: His mom?

Kid: Yeah. (pause) I wasted two years of my life on a 42, 43-year-old woman.

#2
Crazy lady: (pointing at someone's rolled up pant leg) I rolled my pants up like that yesterday! Yeah, I hate when they get all wet. But they got all wet anyway, just higher on my leg. (To teenager) You have any kids?

Teenager: No.

Crazy lady: Yeah, I didn't think I'd have any, either.

#3

Bus pulls up to curb where an older couple is waiting, weighed down by several stuffed bags full of groceries.

Bus driver: (opening doors) Ha ha ha! Boy, what if I had just drove off just then! What if I'da just closed the doors and kept going! Ha!

Woman: (scowls, enters bus)

Bus driver: (to husband) Ha ha! I mean, what if I'd have just drove away? What would you have done then, huh? Whoo boy!

Man: (clearly annoyed) I don't think I could have done anything.

Bus driver: Ha ha ha! But you'da been mad.